Doing Too Much is Good For You

settle down

you’re doing too much try harder it’s

the only way to succeed

who’s right i was accepted

into a private middle school in the

suburbs of chicago

i showed up in walmart clothes to a

bloomingdale’s sixth grade homeroom i

was

miserable and i wanted to be there even

less than my 29 they’ve been best

friends since birth classmates wanted me

to be there

but my parents had made it clear this

is opportunity this is the best chance

you get

to move ahead unable to

disappear in my too small down jacket

and corduroy pants

i decided to stand out i pushed my way

into 10th grade french class

started several very exclusive after

school clubs

one member only fought against

anti-semitism in the social studies

curriculum

played on every team okay that was

required

and i was dreadful

and made not one friend in three years

so many well-meaning teachers pulled me

aside to tell

me to just relax a little don’t stress

that was a high touch phrase in the

1980s and i heard it a lot

not at home though my parents first

generation americans

born to parents who were refugees had

built their lives by trying harder

and doing more born way before jews

could pass

as white they believed that anything was

possible

but if it was worthwhile it would take a

lot of work

eleven years later armed with my

bachelor’s of fine arts

and very little common sense i’d taken a

job i had no business being offered

that’s how i found myself backstage

at the second city improv theater in

chicago

working and laughing and learning

alongside some of the funniest

would someday be famous smartest people

i’d ever met

and damn that was stressful

i’d been hired on a whim by the

executive vice president

he told me later that i was the first

person hired from outside

ever i was 10 years younger than anyone

else in the company

and i was on a learning curve for much

longer than i should have been

i did eventually crack the code and

integrate

only to discover that the substance use

culture was

way past my comfort zone so i decided to

apply to medical school like you do

i moved 500 miles enrolled in science

classes and an mcat prep course

built a loft in half a sublet room and

juggled

three part-time jobs i also volunteered

as an emergency medical technician

where i mentioned the stress that i was

facing to a paramedic who seemed to

really love his job and his life

tell me about it like chest pain he said

on a scale of one to ten how bad is it

a seven probably three years later

in debt up to my ears i stood in an

operating room at three o’clock in the

morning

holding a retractor above my head to

keep a woman’s uterus in view

for four hours and i

reflected on my choices i was sharing a

house with nine

other people but only four if the city

is asking

working as an american sign language

interpreter to support my eating

everyday habit

studying even in the bathroom and going

on hospital cafeteria dates with a

cute nursing assistant i’m at so

stressful like a nine out of ten but

worth it

and confusing because one of the things

i was studying so hard

was the negative effect of stress on

people’s bodies and minds

stress i was learning was the new

cigarette a bad

habit one should never take up we were

told to counsel patients on the dangers

of stress

and that should our patients not listen

they were pretty much doomed

does this sound like a problem you’ve

faced we’ve been

taught to fear stress to avoid it

to minimize it to eliminate it if you’re

causing stress in someone’s life

you’re the villain if someone is causing

stress in your life

that relationship is toxic get out

that we have to get away from stress

before it kills us that if you’re

stressed

you can’t possibly be happy again

i couldn’t reconcile these two

narratives you have to experience stress

to get what you want

or stress is poison stay away from it at

all costs

so i searched for people i could learn

from which path is best

and what i found confused me even more

how much stress

people faced wasn’t the differentiator

the difference seemed to be

how they perceived it and how they

handled it

i’d like to say i learned the lesson

then but nope

ten years later working at a federally

qualified health center as an attending

physician in family medicine

i saw a patient i’d known for years a

middle-aged

college-educated middle-class white

woman with progressive

multiple sclerosis her disease had

worsened to the point that she relied on

a motorized wheelchair

using a toggle at her chin to move

around hi

how are you today wonderful she told me

my grandbaby turned one this weekend

he’s getting to be such a big boy and

the flowers

at my door are blooming and i’m going to

that friday night concert series in the

park this weekend i’m really excited

i think i still wouldn’t have learned

the important lesson headed my way

except it was only a little bit later

that same morning

that i saw another middle-aged

college-educated middle-class white

woman in the room next door

this woman was well no mental health

issues no physical issues except for

some mild occasional low back pain

hi how are you today terrible it’s it’s

everything it’s my back

nobody understands my work doesn’t

accommodate me my family just

plans things never thinking about

whether or not i can join

have you been having pain well no but i

could be

when i asked she rated her stress 10 out

of 10 and i went on to help her as best

i might

but i also kept thinking how could i

help more patients be like the woman

behind door number one you see i’d been

a doctor at this point for more than a

decade and i was trying to reconcile

several things i’d noticed first

people are afraid of anything stressful

sure it will harm them and do

everything they can to avoid it second

resilience the ability to navigate

change and come through it whole and

with a sense of purpose

was a much better predictor of people’s

happiness than health

or wealth or anything else i could find

and third

the people who were resilient had faced

a great deal of stress

in their lives because stress

is to mental health and resilience what

exercise is to our body’s fitness

for most of us both stress and exercise

are kind of awful easier to avoid than

engage in and harmful to overdo either

one

but it’s the only way to get stronger

my med school professors were right

stress can be damaging we have to avoid

or minimize the damage

by knowing our limits recognizing the

warning signs in our own minds and

bodies not just the red flags like

substance abuse risky behaviors or

sabotaging relationships

but the yellow flags as well the

behaviors or feelings that

tell us we need to go ask for help now

before we get hurt

and my med school professors were wrong

stress is a tool not a toxin

just like every tool it can bash your

head in if you don’t know how to use it

but you cannot build without it

i’d like to say that i learned this

lesson from other people’s experience

but stresses and people don’t really

work that way

four years later i was building my own

business as a youth development speaker

still practicing medicine raising my

four boys with their dad

that cute nursing assistant i’d married

who is now an emergency medicine doctor

the second city improv theater invited

me back to create a show about raising

kids

i’d hosted a pbs television series and

was guesting on the today show

and good morning america and then

my mom slipped into a coma and went into

hospice

500 miles away

the stress i faced writing my mom’s

eulogy

felt like a solid five

i asked my uncle a psychologist with

many books

and decades behind him what he thought

about the fact that it didn’t bother me

more

i’d be surprised if it really even

stresses you that much he answered

you spent your childhood caring for your

mom as she struggled with bipolar

disorder and alcoholism

and your adulthood helping her manage

all of her physical issues

you have the skills for this

skills the paramedic who scooped up

overdose patients

and performed cpr but smiled every day

and found time to mentor me

the nurses and patients i met in med

school whose outlook

defied their situations the patient with

ms

who looked straight at and also beyond

her circumstances

my parents sending their only child out

to face each new challenge

no platitudes but plenty of humor and

faith in me

skills that’s what they all had

those six weeks going back and forth

from whirlwind times at home with my

kids to

long stretches of silence at my mom’s

bedside as she slipped away

were actually the calm before another

storm

my marriage was ending

you might think as lots of people felt

brave enough to

actually say out loud to me well what

did you expect

you’re doing too much that’s when i

realized i had to do

more i had to learn not only that there

are skills to resilience but what

exactly they were because i was going to

need them in spades

if i was going to get through the

hardest time in my life

and help my boys through it as well i

needed to understand what

specific skills create resilience

i’m a scientist so i looked at the

research

when you look at dozens of markers

measured by scientifically validated

resilience scales

the one social scientists use to define

resilience

there are eight key skills eight

actions anyone can take at any time

any one of which could make me more

resilient and able to handle

this enormous change i was facing

number one build connections with other

people

people i’m willing to ask for support

i don’t have to have all the answers but

when i don’t have them

it’s the people i know or can reach that

will make all the difference

i could work on broadening the number of

people i really know not

just the folks on my social media

friends lists but genuine connections

and i could deepen some of the

connections that i do have

by showing up for them yes but also

through being vulnerable which can be

really hard but when i got brave enough

to tell a few people the truth

about my grief and anger

they were able to understand what i

needed in the midst of my divorce

it turns out that the most meaningful

connections i have

didn’t happen until i was willing to

stop believing my own advertising

of always being in control and having it

together

number two set boundaries

what am i willing and not willing to do

my own resilience gets stronger when i

put some

limits around my availability and my

resources

recently i made a new rule at home no

one may talk to me when

i’m in the bathroom unless there’s

actual fire or spurting blood

that one boundary has strengthened my

resilience remarkably

number three open to change

to the possibility that there are

different paths than just the one i’d

imagine

staying open-minded is a hard one for me

because of my pretty profound

ego it makes me very resistant to the

idea that i could be wrong

about anything but especially the future

i’d pictured

which makes it very hard to be resilient

if

when i’m wrong number four

manage discomfort i had to figure out

what helps me start to feel okay when i

don’t feel okay this is absolutely

crucial to resilience

most of us hate discomfort to such a

degree that we can’t think

past it we overeat or focus on how many

drinks will numb that discomfort

those and so many other negative coping

mechanisms

cause real damage all changes

even the good ones are uncomfortable i

finally found the right combo of

exercise trashy romance novels and ice

cream to manage my feelings without

hurting myself

or anyone else number five

set goals i have to know what i want to

have any hope of getting it

that’s it that’s the tweet

number six find options

you know which choice most of us go with

when we’re faced with a decision

the first one we think of and we have a

lot of lore

around this trust your gut go with your

instincts

but i know that often my first idea is

not my best one

case in point this talk needed several

pretty significant edits

most rough draft ideas are not as good

as they could be

with a little bit more thought so i have

to force myself to think of several

options in just about every situation

number seven

take action resilience means getting

through

the change so i have to do something

the stress hormone that gets released

when we encounter change is cortisol

most people have heard of that as the

fight or flight hormone and it can cause

either of those reactions

the most common reaction to cortisol

though is actually

freeze we get so overwhelmed by change

that we get

stuck when i knew that second city

improv wasn’t the right place for me

i faced such a wide open unknown did i

want to

change theaters try to get work in

television

wait tables become a firefighter or a

teacher or run for office

or make the obvious move and be a doctor

it was too easy to just keep listing

possibilities instead of picking one

and moving forward knowing how to act on

my goals to choose one or more of the

options i identified

keeps me out of option overload and

number eight

persevere this last one

the ability to try again when what i

tried didn’t work

that’s the one that takes the most

practice i think that’s why it’s the

skill that most people credit

when they finally achieve success

the goal of handling everything i was

facing felt impossible

but these were actions i could take any

time to strengthen my resilience

so that i could keep doing too much

without hurting myself for others

because we believe that stress is the

most dangerous villain

we fear taking on too much we blame

ourselves or accept blame when our

circumstances

hand us more than a full plate i have

never been busier in my life

than i am as a single mom raising four

kids doctoring

and building my own business i’ve also

never been happier

or healthier adults are torn

between doing too much and taking care

of ourselves

and what i finally learned is that these

are not opposing concepts

handling everything that comes at you

while building the life you want

doesn’t have to be dangerous or

impossible we all have some resilient

skills and we can develop more

so don’t waste your time fearing

stress don’t worry about doing too much

you’re the expert on you only you know

what you can handle

it’s your obligation to notice when it’s

harming you and it’s your right to

decide when it’s helping you

say no when you can or minimize or share

with someone else

the stressors that cause you damage and

take on every

busy thing that serves your purpose do

exactly what you need to do to be

whole that’s not too much for you

thank you