What I Wish People Know After My Husband Died

[Music]

in 2016

on a very normal thursday july morning

my husband dave and i were going through

the motions getting ourselves ready for

work

and our two young daughters eve and zoe

ready for daycare it was a beautiful day

out

so i very naturally took the girls with

me in the car

so dave could ride his motorcycle to

work

i was in a rush as usual so i just blew

him in air kiss from the driveway

like and off i went

at around 2pm the police showed up in my

office

to ask if i knew a david budeck

i remember the feeling of my stomach

dropping

i said he rode his motorcycle to work

was there an accident

is he dead he wasn’t dead

but there was an accident they were

going to drive me to the hospital to see

him

i arrived at the hospital through the

police and ambulance entrance with no

one else around

and was eventually taken into the trauma

icu

to see dave for less than a minute just

to make sure that

it was my day they were working on

and then i waited and waited

after more waiting and signing paperwork

for an eventual surgery

i left the hospital but barely slept

that night

throughout the time in hospital it

wasn’t that i was holding on so tightly

to hope

i actually thought dave would recover i

called our insurance company to find out

what coverage we had for his eventual

rehabilitation needs

in my small brown spiral bound notebook

i tracked everything going on in that

room

i tracked the numbers and beeps from the

machines

i counted the staples in his head and

there were 50

from ear to ear

and i wrote down every word the doctors

were saying

so that when dave recovered i could tell

him about it

being the scientist he was i knew he

would want the details

40 days after dave’s accident on the

night before eve’s very first day of

kindergarten

at 808 pm dave died

i became a widow at the age of 33 with a

two-year-old

and a five-year-old

what was i gonna do

well what do most of us seem to do these

days when we just don’t know the answer

to something

we google it do you know

if you google how to support a widow

the first thing that pops up is a list

with 10 suggestions

there’s also a picture of two elderly

women holding each other

and the number one recommendation

bring food and coordinate food drop-offs

with others so that grievers have one

less thing to think about

when dave was in the hospital and after

he died people brought food

and google was right it was helpful

and the rest of the suggestions on that

list are definitely helpful too

but what i want to talk about today is

what happens

after the so-called grieving period is

over

when it seems that people want those

grieving to get back to normal and

not be so sad anymore in different

religions and regions across the world

grieving and mourning look different but

generally

we don’t know what to say to each other

how many of you have googled what to

write in a sympathy card

we struggle with how to interact with

each other when people die

every day not just weeks after loss

but what happens months or years later

when life keeps going

i’ll tell you what happens we stopped

talking

about our people who died

life goes on and we get busy i get it

but what would it look like if we were

more intentional

and made it the norm to talk about our

people who have died

to say their names and tell their

stories

let me tell you how you can support a

grieving widow years later

quite simply talk about the person who

died

after dave died i got a lot of

well-intentioned let me know if i can do

anything

offers but i knew i wasn’t reaching out

i had to pretend that we could live a

normal life

i stuck to the nightly routine dave

followed

because asking for help for what i

eventually realized i did need

might signal that i wasn’t okay and that

i couldn’t do it on my own

so that meant talking about dave less

and just

focusing on everything else that needed

to be done

and then it got harder to talk about

dave because

i thought that if i did people might

think that i was stuck

in grief i remember this one time

someone asking

me how i was doing you know with the

head tilt and eye squint and that

unconscious look of pity how are you

doing

you know what i said we’re doing okay

yep i’m figuring it out we’re doing okay

i walked away got into my car and

suddenly the tears were just

gushing down and i was doing the ugly

cry that you can only really do in the

car

or in the shower basically anywhere

you’re alone

so nobody will see you lose it yeah it

turns out i was not okay

but grief is complicated and fast

forward to today i can honestly say that

most days

i’m okay i’m also totally comfortable

saying now that

some days i’m still not

being okay and being resilient are

unconscious pressures placed on people

in grief

doing well in the face of adversity is

so subjective

if resilience looks at your capacity to

recover quickly from a difficult

situation and

bounce back to normal there is simply

no resilience possible from this type of

loss

i can’t bounce back to the life i had

because dave isn’t here anymore

i will never get back a future that is

forever gone

resiliency for widows isn’t about

bouncing back it’s about creating a

meaningful life

with the way things are now

what i have found is making meaning of

my life now

has to include talking about dave his

life and his death

influenced and shaped me into who i am

today

and while not all widows want to talk

about their dead husbands

i can tell you that when i feel free to

do so i’m comforted by my memories that

continue to have this place to live

i found the most welcoming environments

to talk about dave and his death and

life since his death have been with my

fellow young widows

whether that’s in person or online

these online organizations groups

therapists

blogs are all there to support those in

grief

and i think they are most helpful when

they complement our existing

relationships

with our family and friends for example

a widow in florida can offer a lot of

comfort and support

simply by having a shared life-altering

experience

but she doesn’t know dave she can’t

laugh at his quirks and remind me that

he would never

pay full price for anything he loved

flipping coupons

we are on the verge of becoming a

community where we can openly talk

about people after they have died except

people don’t know what to say to someone

who is grieving

or quite frankly they’re worried they’re

gonna say the wrong thing

so it can seem easier not to mention the

person at all

but just how you want to share stories

of your loved ones

i want you all to know about dave’s

annoying obsession

with sunflower seeds he would eat them

one by one at his computer desk every

night

and lucky me would shift to the bed if

he was finished checking his emails

before his

tiny tupperware of seeds was empty

acknowledging relationships can be

complicated but in my opinion

part of life includes talking about our

people who have died

but isn’t it interesting that we don’t

talk about death

we purposefully avoid talking about

death because it produces this

terror inducing fear that one day we

will die too

we have so much anxiety knowing we will

die we do anything we can to avoid

talking about it

so let me clarify we don’t need to talk

about death

we just need to talk about our people

who died

communities exist that talk about people

who have passed away

but you may be thinking when is it

appropriate

the next time you see something that

makes you think about someone who has

died or you have a memory or a thought

that you want to share

share it talking about somebody’s dead

husband

doesn’t make them more upset or remind

us that they died

trust me we remember we know

and if you say something that makes

someone emotional

it’s okay because i tell my kids when

they get upset

seeing me upset it’s okay to cry

i will tell zoe my youngest

daddy died and it’s sad and so i’m going

to be sad for a moment

bringing up memories about someone who

has died means

they mattered they still matter

they aren’t forgotten even zoe have very

limited memories of their dad

talking about dave will be the only way

they get to know who he was

seeing the kobit 19 statistics unfold

and the death rate continue to rise

has made me think about two things

one dave would have been all over the

science behind this pandemic

and we would have looked quite prepared

thanks to the seemingly

lifetime supply of cleaning and paper

products

thanks to his extreme couponing

and two there are new coved widows and

widowers out there

and their wounds are still raw

so while they may not be ready to talk

about their loved ones just yet

in three or four years from now they may

be

it’s been over four years since my dave

died

and the sadness while still always there

feels a little less unbearable and it

gets easier to listen to the ways others

choose to talk about dave

my sister recently told me that the

family used to place bets

on which shirt they would be wearing

when we came to visit

because majority of the time it was his

favorite

white shirt with yellow sleeves this

waffle shirt from old navy

and that shirt is now eve’s daddy shirt

and has been in her bed with her every

night since the day of his funeral

i’ve also taken that shirt with me to

school concerts and plays

because she tells me she feels like he’s

watching her too

and because eve is still so young i went

to ebay

and i bought a backup daddy shirt just

to have for when his

shirt wears out completely

talk about people when there are big

decisions to make

for instance hearing someone who knew

dave say they would

he they think he would have understood

my decision to move brought so much

comfort

holidays and birthdays are more obvious

hard times

and you can still mention the person

but the hard times are also the really

good times

eve earned her yellow belt in karate the

same day she did well on a difficult

math test

last year and and that was hard because

dave should be here for this he should

be here to watch

his children grow up

but he’s not here he’s missing

and is going to continue missing all the

milestones

he isn’t in any back to school pictures

he won’t teach his girls to drive

he won’t see them graduate

and he won’t be with them on their

wedding days

so when you think about when would be a

tough time for a widow

check in when things are seemingly

really good

that might just be the perfect time for

a reminder

that years later dave still matters

time passes and grief changes when you

aren’t sure what to say to a widow

or anybody who’s experienced loss it’s

okay to ask

can i talk about dave do you talk about

him in front of your kids

just asking questions tells me he

matters

if a widow says they like talking about

their late partner

go for it but if they don’t

doesn’t matter why just accept it move

on

regardless of how uncomfortable you may

feel you’ve asked a question that

acknowledges

a person existed

my story while sad is not consumed in

and doesn’t end in sadness i am so lucky

to have known a love

so deep that it cannot die with the

person and i’m beyond grateful to have

repartnered with someone

who told me he watched a movie he thinks

dave would have liked

we have talked about dave to the point

where someone who never had the chance

to know him

knows him

those who work with people preparing for

death will tell us that

when somebody is dying they just want to

know that their lives have been

meaningful

did they make a difference in this world

what will they be remembered for

if we stop talking about people after

they die

then really what are they being

remembered for

dave was the smartest man i’ve ever

known

i will continue to tell his story and

love sharing his favorite mantra was

never pay someone to do a job that you

could learn how to do yourself

he read how to books for fun and studied

the owner’s manuals of items we hadn’t

even bought yet

like our vacuum cleaner just to make

sure it was the perfect one for us

there’s a saying that a person actually

dies twice

the first time is when they take their

last breath

and the second time is when somebody

says their name

for the last time i want you to keep in

mind that talking about our people who

have died

helps keep their memory alive it keeps

them alive

how are you going to support someone in

their grief years after loss

you