The Secret to Successful Romantic Relationships

[Music]

why is it

that the qualities you first admired in

your partner can become the exact same

qualities that you now

label as annoying those

cute quirks that are now the source of

your silent criticism

so if you used to think i love that

she’s so funned and spontaneous

now you could possibly think that

labeled as

impulsive scattered or out of control

like when she went to get groceries and

came back with a kayak

or if you used to look at him with

adoring eyes

because you just love that he was so

focused and together

his now anal retentiveness may fall

under labels like

predictable boring or just too uptight

like when he took the soup cans and put

them in alphabetical order

well look don’t worry this doesn’t have

to mean that your whole relationship is

headed down the drain

but let me tell you something if you

don’t start paying more attention

to the labels you’re attaching to the

person you love

the romance in your relationship could

be headed down the 3d drain

the dysfunctional damaged deficient

drain

i mean it’s not that surprising that it

gets harder and harder

to fire up that romantic chemistry and

get that potent

love potion flowing if those silently

said negative labels

start sliding between the sheets it’s

really hard to

cozy up too boring chatty

cheap impatient lazy obsessed prude shy

workaholic

or just annoying and you know

get turned on now i’ve been in a loving

relationship for a long time now

but i’m still amazed at how long it took

me to learn some of the most basic

lessons in how to maintain the long-term

romance

which was a surprisingly painful

thing to accept but

two practice marriages can make you

think about a few things

the bottom line is at the end of the day

this silent labeling completely derailed

my relationships

and that’s why i’ve dedicated the last

decade of my life

to passionately researching creating

communication tools

writing a book speaking training all

trying to answer the question

how do the very qualities that started

out

as adorable when falling in love

change into behaviors that we now label

as annoying

once the honeymoon’s over here’s what i

found out

perhaps we fell in love with the parts

of our partners

that we possibly fell a little short on

and together

you rounded each other out a bit you

know how they say opposites attract

i think it’s more like compliments they

attract

let me give you an example so in my own

romantic relationship

our qualities and our behaviors they

complement each other

because we understand and we accept

each other’s emotional needs so i’m an

extrovert

and i am ignited and i am driven

by the thrill of challenge and new

experiences

where my partner chris he’s an introvert

who’s comfortable with routine so when

we find ourselves in a new situation

like going to a new restaurant you know

in my case

i’m not just looking for a meal i want

to create a

moment you know i want a cool

dining vibe i want lots of interesting

new menu choices

and even better i want wait staff that’s

singing and blindfolded

i’m serious where my beloved

he’s not even leaving the house until he

pinpoints

his burger on the menu he

reads his accordion file is his huge

file full of reviews and he radios ahead

to check that there’s no lineup

i mean clearly we bring different things

to the table

however because our tendencies

complement each other

we end up with an experience that’s safe

and enjoyable

for both of us and this is usually how

it goes

the introvert falls for the extrovert

the impulsive falls for the planner

the steady plotter for the adrenaline

junkie

and the adventure grabber well they fall

for the security seeker

there’s no denying the idea that

something in us

is drawn to people who counter some of

our dominant qualities

with complementary tendencies

but after some time goes by and that

love luster dust dries up

we don’t see those qualities as

complimenting us anymore

but rather they’re just annoying

now i know it would be convenient to

blame this on covid

the increase in time that couples are

spending together

but the truth is labeling is something

we humans have been doing

since the beginning of time i mean we

love to label

labeling is how we categorize and

organize the world and people around us

it’s an evolutionary process that

started out saving us

grouping the world into danger and safe

people into good and bad

but like many things in our evolution

that start out as helpful

we take it too far and it can end up

being hurtful

like labeling admirable attributes as

annoying

instead of just allowing them to be

complementary

i think it’s sort of like evolution has

this private joke going on

i mean it’s luring us into labeling to

help us make sense of the world

and then it’s silently slipping in the

romantic relationship

eroding warning in teeny tiny print

labeling must be done

with care

and even though i know oh i know

the damage that this negative labeling

can do

i have the divorces to prove it it’s

still hard to change

making that switch from negative to

positive

to be careful and conscious of the

labels we’re attaching to the person we

love

because most of us we have highly

developed

critical labeling skills and they are

lightning fast

i’m talking ninja fast and those labels

they’re just standing at the ready so

just the other day i’m in the kitchen

and we’re making dinner and i go to grab

the knife

and he says be careful it’s really sharp

and he gets this

and i say seriously i’m an adult

thanks control freak in my mind

and with those labels rolling around in

your head

it makes it really hard to want to

cuddle on the couch after dinner and

watch a movie

but you know when we first met i

loved that he was always looking after

me i mean

he’s the kind of guy that when you go

for a walk in the city

he walks between you and the traffic

like he’s some kind of human protection

shield

because safety is really important to

that guy and he wants to protect those

he loves

so i need to remember and appreciate

that

about my guy you see it wasn’t his

behavior that was annoying

it was my thoughts about it because of

the label

i now attach to his caring and

protective nature

the part that’s actually complementary

to my sometimes reckless adventurous

self

generally silently sabotaging the

romance in our relationships

this doesn’t happen overnight we don’t

just wake up one day and decide to ruin

the romance in our relationships

no it’s a process it happens over time

re-categorizing the adorables into the

annoyables

without stopping to consider the

consequences

now the great news here there’s a way

out of this toxic labeling trap

it involves shifting your thinking

pattern from negative labels

to positive ones and because us humans

are hardwired to label and we’re not

going to change

we need to be careful about the words we

choose

when labeling the ones we love now i

think it’s worth taking a moment

to think about the qualities of your

partner that were once

charming adorable even and why you fell

in love with that part of them

in long-term relationships it’s more

than just helpful to remember your

falling and love story

how did you feel on dates in the early

days

you know in my case i thought my human

shield was pretty sexy

and i still do

so what qualities of your partner did

you just

adore what words did you use to describe

them

the labels you attached to those

qualities that gave you those love

feelings

because after all there’s a fine line

between adorable and annoyable

a line that’s made up of labels that you

get to choose

so if you want to keep the

romance alive in your relationship i

suggest you become complimentary again

and remember to always label

with care thank you

you