Learning How To Swim

[Music]

living along the pacific coastline

first in yokohama and now in vancouver

allow me to develop

a very unique relationship with the

waters

i remember every year i would count down

the days until i could spend

every day exploring this beach town

allowing the current to drift the summer

days away

until the skies resembled blank canvases

rather than a work of art we call the

sunrise

until the leaves lost their color

i spent the longest days of the year

floating above the waters

but at the same time i spent what felt

like the longest days of the year

trapped

underwater

what does drowning feel like when the

undertow hits and your lungs are filled

with water

burning for me it wasn’t the water that

pulled me down to my lowest point

i was once in a very dark place but

nobody knew at the time

not even my closest friends because i

didn’t let them

i began to submerge in all the

expectations

but from the outside it looked like as

if i had my life together

and my day’s plan i always had my

journal by my side and i kept myself

busy

from the outside you would never have

been able to tell that it was all just a

facade

i used to play hide and seek almost

every day

as if it were a game well mostly the

hyde part

i’d hide behind my outgoing and bubbly

persona

i’d hide behind the everyday struggle as

an elite

student athlete i’d fill my schedule up

so i wouldn’t have to face all the

pressure

because when you’re busy you don’t even

have time to be stressed right

i set a timer for 10 minutes when i

needed to cry because

i simply didn’t have the time there were

always more tasks on the to-do list

i didn’t even have the time to

acknowledge the fact that a few years

ago my mental health capsized

you see i was always the friend they

went for help advice and support

and i was happy to be there for them but

when it came to myself

i didn’t want to burden anybody with my

own troubles so i pushed these feelings

away

balling it all up i began to drift away

from morals and common sense

i made impulsive decisions like stealing

my parents car and sneaking out

countless times

but no matter how many times my parents

got angry before doing something like

that

i plugged my ears and brushed it away

from a young age i was labeled gifted

and i felt the pressure to live up to

these expectations

at first i just did whatever i enjoyed

dipping my toes into the waters

hockey piano lacrosse rugby you name it

i loved them all

but at a certain point i became

conditioned to think that if i wasn’t

the best at everything

i was a failure so i’d challenge myself

to the point where i would be at war

with myself

i’ve clear memories of myself when i was

in grade 4

crying asleep because i felt like a

failure

at 10 years old

this later developed into a series of

eating disorders and sleepless nights

at this point my feet couldn’t touch

sand anymore and my head started to

plunge

under the familiar waters i tried to

tread water

to tough it out but you could only tread

for so long

i didn’t see the problem because in my

household and actually i find this with

a lot of immigrant households

mental health is not a common subject

i finally realized the extent of this

neglect actually last year on my 16th

birthday

when i went down to the office to look

for a janitor after i accidentally

spilled some water during a lockdown

drill

beside me was an asian boy and his

mother trying to sign out but

they weren’t allowed to leave i mind my

own business

until all of a sudden he starts getting

hostile and the police have to come and

settle the situation

with tears running down his face i stood

in the office looking out at him

listening to the sirens approach the

school

his mother clearly distressed starts

apologizing for her son’s behavior but

what she doesn’t acknowledge

is the pain in his eyes i could see it

and i didn’t even know his name

i wanted to ask him why and i’d be lying

to you if i told you i just went about

my day after

i later realized that i too was lashing

out for

no reason i had negativity surrounding

me latching on to me but

i couldn’t put an actual reason to it

in order for me to take away step away

from that

and gain control i was

constantly putting myself in situations

where it gave me enough adrenaline to

forget about the stress for a moment

but at the end of the day the root of

the problem never went away

it planted itself deeper

let me introduce to you a part of me

that’s giving me something to look

forward to on my darkest days

but at the same time has been the reason

i broke down on my dark on my sunniest

days

i’m a hockey player and i played on a

team full of outstanding players

but it took me a lot to get there

i got my first pair of rollerblades when

i was six after i moved to canada

soon after my parents threw me onto the

ice and i fell in awe with the feeling

of flying

i was a talented skater but the stake

part didn’t come naturally to me

regardless all i knew was that i loved

hockey and that i

had potential

when i switched over from boys hockey to

girls hockey i was so over the moon to

play at a more competitive level because

i made the rep team

i even quit figure skating that year too

so that’s how you really knew i was all

in

i was diving into the deep end

about a week in coming from boys hockey

with the background and figure skating

although i knew that i was good enough

or i wouldn’t have been there in the

first

first place my coach at the time

neglected me right off the get-go

couldn’t understand why so i let it get

to me and it was pretty hard to navigate

for a 12 year old

at the time i was too scared to do

anything about it and speak up because i

didn’t dare to disagree with any of the

coaching decisions that were made

my parents also had no influence unlike

some of the other girls parents because

mine knew nothing about hockey

but rather than allowing me to quit when

the waters got choppy

they encouraged me to persevere

then all i had to fend for for myself

was myself although i knew that i was

deliberately being mistreated

i still showed up to every single

practice because i didn’t want to give

him a real reason to bench me

i gave it another year after that but i

began to believe that i wasn’t good

enough to continue

i even planned to quit hockey but

something told me to give it one last

shot

so i decided to try out for this team

called phrasal valley rush which is part

of the major

aaa league to put into perspective it is

the highest level you can play before

pursuing post-secondary

the coach of this team delaney collins

was a former team canada player gold

medalist and coach of team bc

so i thought wow how cool would it be to

be coached by her

well like i said this team was full of

superstars and there was a lot of

competition

with my confidence planning by the

minute what made me think i had a shot

well the way it worked in my head was

make this team or quit

there were two tryouts one in may and

one in august

long story short may comes around and i

don’t get a spot

but by then i didn’t care about anything

i didn’t care about hockey

i didn’t care about school rugby

lacrosse work

anything

i showed up to the second child

expecting nothing

at the end of the weekend i want to say

thank you to delaney after

a great tryout and she ended up offering

me

a spot mid conversation

among the most seasoned players she

chose me and from that day forward

she gave me more chances than i could

have ever asked for

little by little she started to develop

me into twice the player i used to be

starting with a mentality she sprinkled

some confidence in me and taught me more

than just how to be a hockey player

she doesn’t know the impact she had on

me by being such a remarkable role model

but i gave her credit for getting me to

where i am today

i had a conversation with her at the end

of the year about what to do

about my upcoming year which was my

grade 11 year

my school offers this program called the

ib program which

is a very rigorous academic program and

i was kind of caught up between wanting

to take this challenge

and trying to stick with hockey at the

same time

my counselors at the time my school

counselors suggested

that playing elite level hockey while

pursuing full ib

would be a combination for disaster but

fellaini disagreed

she said she believes in me and in order

to be great you have to take these

challenges

if it weren’t for that little nudge i

wouldn’t have had the courage to do so

myself

she’s one of the reasons why i’m so

passionate about coaching

mentorship and giving back why i always

try to check in with a friend

because i think the only way we can

collectively achieve great things

is to uplift those around us

now that i look back i gained more than

i lost

not only did this team give me 19 other

girls that i can count on any day of the

year

19 other girls that i call family

this team gave me more chances and

opportunities i could have ever asked

for

that i’m beyond grateful for another one

of my best friends wrote me a letter

once that said

make it count but do not negotiate with

your mental health and well-being

while i stand in awe of your work ethic

i sometimes encourage you to take a step

back and let yourself relax

and if you need a friend i’m one text

away

and that stuck with me

well underneath all the walls and labels

we’re all just trying to become a better

version of ourselves

you won’t be able to tell and they won’t

show it either because of the fear of

vulnerability

but i hope that by me being vulnerable

today it can spark some conversations

amidst all the blur all you need is an

individual who sees the struggle and

gives a little push a steer in the right

direction

it’s powerful and the impact it had on

me i carry with me every day

imagine if we could all be this person

for someone else

it’s so simple yet we rarely take that

extra effort to do so

learning how to swim is not easy and

does not come naturally

even if it feels like you dropped a

thousand meters below the surface you

will rise again

the feeling of floating is rewarding and

refreshing but you will never experience

that in the shallow waters

you can stand in the sand all you want

however life’s thrills appear where you

can’t reach the ocean floor

so you decide sink or swim