A MODELED TEACHER
[Music]
[Music]
growing up i never really felt like i
fit in
i was always taller skinnier and more
awkward than anyone else that i knew
one day i saw an interview with a woman
by the name of tyra banks
who shared that she too didn’t feel like
she fit in at home or at school
but now as a successful model she’s
found her place in the world
and i thought well that’s it all i have
to do is become a supermodel and all my
problems are going to be solved
so at the age of 13 i set out to all of
the top
agencies in new york city and on that
day
they told me that i was too tall
too short too urban to
everything but what it was that they
were looking for in a model
i remember leaving and feeling desperate
to be seen
i didn’t fit in at home at school
and not even as a fashion model so i
wrote a letter to tyra
detailing how i’d been feeling and the
feedback that i received from agencies
she responded some time later and in her
response she shared that i should
appreciate the journeys
both the wins and the losses embrace
your failures
because they’ll help you appreciate the
success so much more later on
i still apply that advice to my life to
this day
i was away at school when i turned 18
and tara
announced the cycle 9 auditions for
america’s next top model
i remember arriving at the venue and
seeing blocks and blocks and blocks of
the most beautiful women that i’ve ever
seen
black white latina asian and everything
in between
for the first time in my life i was able
to acknowledge another woman’s beauty
without associating them with my flaws
that moment taught me that when you’re
walking in your purpose
you feel a sense of peace because you’re
right where you’re supposed to be
i finally got in the audition room and
they lined us up chest to back
chest to back chest to back and my big
moment came down to
bianca golden 5 11 18 years old queens
new york
that was it that was my moment i was
stuck on my thoughts in my head thinking
that can’t be it
i need to tell them how i feel about
fitting in i want to tell them about my
letter to tyra i want to tell them the
advice that she offered me
i want to tell them that for the first
time in my life i feel like i belong
i was so caught on my own thoughts that
i almost missed them calling my name
they called my name i was the only woman
chosen out of
all of those women wrapped and wrapped
and wrapped around the blocks
to make it on america’s next top model
cycle9
i always get chills when i tell that
part of the story because there’s so
many moments in our lives where we’re
focused on
who’s in front of us and who’s behind us
in line
that we forget what’s for us is for us
you can’t take it you can’t touch it
you don’t even know it’s there because
it’s mine
so i went on national television
as my most authentic self a black girl
of west indian descent from queens new
york
i was unapologetically myself which made
for great television
but it was probably also why i didn’t
win now i don’t want to go ahead and
spoil this for anyone but
i finished third runner-up and i was
crushed i was scared that everyone would
see me as a loser
isn’t it funny that we can accomplish so
much and still get caught on the one
thing that we didn’t do
i overcame my insecurities i was one of
11 women
chosen out of millions to compete i was
even one of the faces of the olympics
but that wasn’t enough i couldn’t help
but focus on the one thing that i
couldn’t do
i went home devastated i cried and i hid
from the reaction of the world
and then one day i received a call
connecting me to tyra and i just knew
that she was calling to tell me
that there was a mistake and i was the
real winner
that’s not exactly what happened she was
just calling to tell me that there was
an
agency interested in signing me and all
i had to do
was show up now as a product of my
environment i know how not only to show
up
but to show out so i went and got the
jamaica avenue special and for those of
you
who are not from queens new york that is
a long weave
a nice set of acrylic nails paired with
some thick
long lashes i showed up to click model
management that day ready to reclaim my
time and get signed
that’s not exactly what happened when
the president of the agency
came out i heard her whisper to the
receptionist i thought she said she was
here
to which i jumped up and said hello how
are you i introduced myself
she stopped turned her head
and squinted she then ushered me to the
back but i didn’t think anything of it
maybe this is just how bougie people say
hello
when we got to the back she explained
that she was a bit taken back because on
the show
i had a low haircut to which i explained
yeah you know well i gotta weave
she looked and said okay well can you go
to the bathroom and take it off
my hair it was at that moment that i
realized i was gonna have to explain
exactly what a weave was but before i
could
she reached over and grabbed my hand i
wiggled my fingers so she could see my
nails better
she said well can you take these off and
i thought well yeah but not at this very
moment
finally she grabbed me by my chin and
said certainly darling you weren’t born
with those lashes
but before she could even ask i said
well listen these can’t come off
she thanked me for my time and told me
we’ll be in touch
as i packed up my portfolio i began
feeling uneasy
i walked towards the door but i quickly
turned around and asked well do you need
my telephone number
she said no darling it is on file
i took a few more steps before i turned
back and said well what about
my email address she said no darling
we’ll be in touch i got all the way to
the door
i put my hand on the knob and before i
could turn it i turned around and said
you know sometimes i ride the train and
my service is a little shaky but let me
give you my mother’s number because she
will always get the message to me
she gently reminded me that when the
time is right we will be
in touch i made it outside before i
started crying
but i couldn’t sit in that moment you
see there was an opportunity
waiting for me and i couldn’t afford to
lose it so i went to the closest barber
shop
i sat down and i demanded for him to cut
it all off as the barber started cutting
my hair
i clicked off my nails and i ripped off
my lashes i think i left the men in that
barber shop scared and scarred that day
when i got out of there i immediately
called the agent and she said bianca i
told you we’ll be in touch and i said i
know i know i know
but i just wanted to let you know my
hair’s cut off those nails that you
didn’t like plucked
lashes gone
she said well why would you do that
i was unemployed and bald
i was a failure i had failed to get an
agency
so i took an alternative route i got on
the show and failed to win
i had an agency interested in signing me
all i had to do was show up i failed to
show up the right way
by all accounts in my mind i was the
failure i was no longer afraid to fail
because that would mean i was afraid of
myself
i was a big fail rejection was no longer
a concern because at that point
i heard snow so much it became a part of
my love language
the only fear i had left was that i’d
lose my will to try so
at the age of 18 i set out to all of the
top agencies in new york city
and on that day i heard that
i was too tall too short
too urban two everything but what it was
that they were looking for in a model
i was emotionally and physically drained
when i got to the last casting call
now every casting call is different at
major model management they require you
to walk around the shared office table
with the agent sitting on either side
and introduce yourself
state your name your stats and walk
around the table then exit
i noticed that none of the agents looked
up as the models completed their casting
process
so i started looking around and i would
notice that the hope in their eyes
would leave as they would exit my
sadness turned to anger
and by the time it was my turn i went in
and out with a bang
good morning everyone how are you my
name is bianca well not that anyone
cares
but if you wouldn’t mind i’m just asking
for five seconds of your time you see we
just want to make sure
that we’re good enough could you tell us
i’m gonna walk around this table not
because you care but i’m just gonna
help you with some practice of ignoring
me effectively
all right here i go if you don’t mind
excuse me
all right guys i’m done i know you’re
happy i certainly am have a good day
god bless when i was done i sat down to
take off my heels
and put my jordans on but i felt someone
tapped me on my shoulder i knew what
security did
to kick me out i didn’t even look up i
said don’t worry i don’t need an escort
i’m good
the voice connected to the tap said
actually we don’t want you to leave
we’d like to sign you when i looked up
it was one of the agents
i just started to cry and then i started
laughing at myself because that’s
important too
finally i was a model my childhood dream
had become a reality
i did things that only people would
dream about from the outside looking and
i had made it
but i wasn’t happy i missed so much of
life because i was never around
birthdays holidays graduations
anniversaries the things we take for
granted
people stopped inviting me to things
because i knew i wasn’t going to make it
and so one day i called my agent and i
quit
i couldn’t do it anymore i was maybe 24
25 unemployed and lost
so i do what all black people do when
they need guidance i went to church
i needed god to speak to me but he was
silent
i couldn’t wait around and do nothing
because i’m gonna do it so i began to do
i started a ministry for girls as ages
13 to 18 called she can
which stood for sisterhood empowerment
can change a nation
i loved every moment of it i couldn’t
wait for them to get out of school so we
could meet
have discussion make connections between
life and various topics build
relationships
when i was with them i felt the same
sense of peace that i had when i was
auditioning for america’s next top model
and though i was unemployed i was
fulfilled i was happy my heart was full
i wanted to bottle up this feeling and
keep it forever
you see when i took care of myself i
merely existed
but when i contributed to the existence
of someone else
i felt alive my trail of failures led me
to a calling in education so i thought
well
that’s it all i have to do is become a
teacher and all of my problems will be
solved
i realized that if i didn’t fail so many
times in life i wouldn’t have found my
calling because it wasn’t the failure
it was my ability to keep trying despite
my fear of failure i know so many people
who wouldn’t get back on the bike
because they
someone saw them fall and they’re afraid
of being laughed at
i know just as many people that had
plans and prematurely told someone
and it didn’t go as planned so they
stopped
because they were afraid they’d get
judged i know some of the most talented
people who blame laziness but in reality
they’re just afraid of trying because
people may see their weakness
i know brilliant minds who are afraid of
hearing the word no so they don’t try at
all
i challenge everyone in here to consider
how your failures have contributed to
where you
are today do you talk about them
or do you hide them there isn’t a person
in here who hasn’t failed that something
and while those moments may have been
difficult they were all purposeful
if in your life no one has told you or
maybe someone tried to tell you
but you weren’t in the space to fully
receive it allow me to
it is okay to fail
i’m currently in my third year of
teaching and i couldn’t imagine being
anything else
teaching is a very selfish selfless act
of service for me
i gained so much from my kids and i
found myself being the student as they
teach me about life
one lesson that stands out developed for
my first cohort of students and their
fear of failure
i constantly tell them to stop being
afraid to be great
i couldn’t understand how a group of
students could be so intelligent
filled with so much promise and talent
and yet still afraid to stand in their
greatness
it didn’t occur to me until much later
that they weren’t afraid to be great
they were afraid to fail i found myself
constantly telling them my favorite
failure anecdote that takes me back to
the third grade teacher
explaining the reasons pencils have
erasers on them are so that we can make
mistakes
we can just simply remove them and move
on
what i didn’t tell them for so long is
that i secretly hated that theory
because we
all know that even the best erasers
don’t remove mistakes completely
you can still see remnants of where you
tried something that didn’t work but as
an adult
i can appreciate the spots being left
behind as a reminder of effort
if we empower one another to become
human or racist then we will understand
that our failures lead us to our first
draft
remind as many people as possible that
when you’re writing your story
you’re making mistakes but that they are
essential to your success because
without them
how can you understand who you are or
where you’re going without examining
where you came from
incorporating phrases like that’s okay
it’s not a big deal
and let me tell you how long it took me
to master that skill that you’re
currently struggling with
it makes people feel comfortable because
we’ve taken the power away from failing
and they’ll start to consider it a
moment that they can just bounce back
from
i consider myself an unconventional
teacher it took me over 10 years to
complete my bachelor’s
the first job on my resume was reality
television star
and the second was fashion model one of
my favorite listed skills on my resume
is the ability to see failure
as not the end but the beginning i hope
you decide to make
a commitment to share your failures
because without it excellence does not
exist and the cool thing about
failure is it’ll never tell you that
you’re too tall
too short or too urban everyone’s
welcome to fail
thank you