A MODELED TEACHER

[Music]

[Music]

growing up i never really felt like i

fit in

i was always taller skinnier and more

awkward than anyone else that i knew

one day i saw an interview with a woman

by the name of tyra banks

who shared that she too didn’t feel like

she fit in at home or at school

but now as a successful model she’s

found her place in the world

and i thought well that’s it all i have

to do is become a supermodel and all my

problems are going to be solved

so at the age of 13 i set out to all of

the top

agencies in new york city and on that

day

they told me that i was too tall

too short too urban to

everything but what it was that they

were looking for in a model

i remember leaving and feeling desperate

to be seen

i didn’t fit in at home at school

and not even as a fashion model so i

wrote a letter to tyra

detailing how i’d been feeling and the

feedback that i received from agencies

she responded some time later and in her

response she shared that i should

appreciate the journeys

both the wins and the losses embrace

your failures

because they’ll help you appreciate the

success so much more later on

i still apply that advice to my life to

this day

i was away at school when i turned 18

and tara

announced the cycle 9 auditions for

america’s next top model

i remember arriving at the venue and

seeing blocks and blocks and blocks of

the most beautiful women that i’ve ever

seen

black white latina asian and everything

in between

for the first time in my life i was able

to acknowledge another woman’s beauty

without associating them with my flaws

that moment taught me that when you’re

walking in your purpose

you feel a sense of peace because you’re

right where you’re supposed to be

i finally got in the audition room and

they lined us up chest to back

chest to back chest to back and my big

moment came down to

bianca golden 5 11 18 years old queens

new york

that was it that was my moment i was

stuck on my thoughts in my head thinking

that can’t be it

i need to tell them how i feel about

fitting in i want to tell them about my

letter to tyra i want to tell them the

advice that she offered me

i want to tell them that for the first

time in my life i feel like i belong

i was so caught on my own thoughts that

i almost missed them calling my name

they called my name i was the only woman

chosen out of

all of those women wrapped and wrapped

and wrapped around the blocks

to make it on america’s next top model

cycle9

i always get chills when i tell that

part of the story because there’s so

many moments in our lives where we’re

focused on

who’s in front of us and who’s behind us

in line

that we forget what’s for us is for us

you can’t take it you can’t touch it

you don’t even know it’s there because

it’s mine

so i went on national television

as my most authentic self a black girl

of west indian descent from queens new

york

i was unapologetically myself which made

for great television

but it was probably also why i didn’t

win now i don’t want to go ahead and

spoil this for anyone but

i finished third runner-up and i was

crushed i was scared that everyone would

see me as a loser

isn’t it funny that we can accomplish so

much and still get caught on the one

thing that we didn’t do

i overcame my insecurities i was one of

11 women

chosen out of millions to compete i was

even one of the faces of the olympics

but that wasn’t enough i couldn’t help

but focus on the one thing that i

couldn’t do

i went home devastated i cried and i hid

from the reaction of the world

and then one day i received a call

connecting me to tyra and i just knew

that she was calling to tell me

that there was a mistake and i was the

real winner

that’s not exactly what happened she was

just calling to tell me that there was

an

agency interested in signing me and all

i had to do

was show up now as a product of my

environment i know how not only to show

up

but to show out so i went and got the

jamaica avenue special and for those of

you

who are not from queens new york that is

a long weave

a nice set of acrylic nails paired with

some thick

long lashes i showed up to click model

management that day ready to reclaim my

time and get signed

that’s not exactly what happened when

the president of the agency

came out i heard her whisper to the

receptionist i thought she said she was

here

to which i jumped up and said hello how

are you i introduced myself

she stopped turned her head

and squinted she then ushered me to the

back but i didn’t think anything of it

maybe this is just how bougie people say

hello

when we got to the back she explained

that she was a bit taken back because on

the show

i had a low haircut to which i explained

yeah you know well i gotta weave

she looked and said okay well can you go

to the bathroom and take it off

my hair it was at that moment that i

realized i was gonna have to explain

exactly what a weave was but before i

could

she reached over and grabbed my hand i

wiggled my fingers so she could see my

nails better

she said well can you take these off and

i thought well yeah but not at this very

moment

finally she grabbed me by my chin and

said certainly darling you weren’t born

with those lashes

but before she could even ask i said

well listen these can’t come off

she thanked me for my time and told me

we’ll be in touch

as i packed up my portfolio i began

feeling uneasy

i walked towards the door but i quickly

turned around and asked well do you need

my telephone number

she said no darling it is on file

i took a few more steps before i turned

back and said well what about

my email address she said no darling

we’ll be in touch i got all the way to

the door

i put my hand on the knob and before i

could turn it i turned around and said

you know sometimes i ride the train and

my service is a little shaky but let me

give you my mother’s number because she

will always get the message to me

she gently reminded me that when the

time is right we will be

in touch i made it outside before i

started crying

but i couldn’t sit in that moment you

see there was an opportunity

waiting for me and i couldn’t afford to

lose it so i went to the closest barber

shop

i sat down and i demanded for him to cut

it all off as the barber started cutting

my hair

i clicked off my nails and i ripped off

my lashes i think i left the men in that

barber shop scared and scarred that day

when i got out of there i immediately

called the agent and she said bianca i

told you we’ll be in touch and i said i

know i know i know

but i just wanted to let you know my

hair’s cut off those nails that you

didn’t like plucked

lashes gone

she said well why would you do that

i was unemployed and bald

i was a failure i had failed to get an

agency

so i took an alternative route i got on

the show and failed to win

i had an agency interested in signing me

all i had to do was show up i failed to

show up the right way

by all accounts in my mind i was the

failure i was no longer afraid to fail

because that would mean i was afraid of

myself

i was a big fail rejection was no longer

a concern because at that point

i heard snow so much it became a part of

my love language

the only fear i had left was that i’d

lose my will to try so

at the age of 18 i set out to all of the

top agencies in new york city

and on that day i heard that

i was too tall too short

too urban two everything but what it was

that they were looking for in a model

i was emotionally and physically drained

when i got to the last casting call

now every casting call is different at

major model management they require you

to walk around the shared office table

with the agent sitting on either side

and introduce yourself

state your name your stats and walk

around the table then exit

i noticed that none of the agents looked

up as the models completed their casting

process

so i started looking around and i would

notice that the hope in their eyes

would leave as they would exit my

sadness turned to anger

and by the time it was my turn i went in

and out with a bang

good morning everyone how are you my

name is bianca well not that anyone

cares

but if you wouldn’t mind i’m just asking

for five seconds of your time you see we

just want to make sure

that we’re good enough could you tell us

i’m gonna walk around this table not

because you care but i’m just gonna

help you with some practice of ignoring

me effectively

all right here i go if you don’t mind

excuse me

all right guys i’m done i know you’re

happy i certainly am have a good day

god bless when i was done i sat down to

take off my heels

and put my jordans on but i felt someone

tapped me on my shoulder i knew what

security did

to kick me out i didn’t even look up i

said don’t worry i don’t need an escort

i’m good

the voice connected to the tap said

actually we don’t want you to leave

we’d like to sign you when i looked up

it was one of the agents

i just started to cry and then i started

laughing at myself because that’s

important too

finally i was a model my childhood dream

had become a reality

i did things that only people would

dream about from the outside looking and

i had made it

but i wasn’t happy i missed so much of

life because i was never around

birthdays holidays graduations

anniversaries the things we take for

granted

people stopped inviting me to things

because i knew i wasn’t going to make it

and so one day i called my agent and i

quit

i couldn’t do it anymore i was maybe 24

25 unemployed and lost

so i do what all black people do when

they need guidance i went to church

i needed god to speak to me but he was

silent

i couldn’t wait around and do nothing

because i’m gonna do it so i began to do

i started a ministry for girls as ages

13 to 18 called she can

which stood for sisterhood empowerment

can change a nation

i loved every moment of it i couldn’t

wait for them to get out of school so we

could meet

have discussion make connections between

life and various topics build

relationships

when i was with them i felt the same

sense of peace that i had when i was

auditioning for america’s next top model

and though i was unemployed i was

fulfilled i was happy my heart was full

i wanted to bottle up this feeling and

keep it forever

you see when i took care of myself i

merely existed

but when i contributed to the existence

of someone else

i felt alive my trail of failures led me

to a calling in education so i thought

well

that’s it all i have to do is become a

teacher and all of my problems will be

solved

i realized that if i didn’t fail so many

times in life i wouldn’t have found my

calling because it wasn’t the failure

it was my ability to keep trying despite

my fear of failure i know so many people

who wouldn’t get back on the bike

because they

someone saw them fall and they’re afraid

of being laughed at

i know just as many people that had

plans and prematurely told someone

and it didn’t go as planned so they

stopped

because they were afraid they’d get

judged i know some of the most talented

people who blame laziness but in reality

they’re just afraid of trying because

people may see their weakness

i know brilliant minds who are afraid of

hearing the word no so they don’t try at

all

i challenge everyone in here to consider

how your failures have contributed to

where you

are today do you talk about them

or do you hide them there isn’t a person

in here who hasn’t failed that something

and while those moments may have been

difficult they were all purposeful

if in your life no one has told you or

maybe someone tried to tell you

but you weren’t in the space to fully

receive it allow me to

it is okay to fail

i’m currently in my third year of

teaching and i couldn’t imagine being

anything else

teaching is a very selfish selfless act

of service for me

i gained so much from my kids and i

found myself being the student as they

teach me about life

one lesson that stands out developed for

my first cohort of students and their

fear of failure

i constantly tell them to stop being

afraid to be great

i couldn’t understand how a group of

students could be so intelligent

filled with so much promise and talent

and yet still afraid to stand in their

greatness

it didn’t occur to me until much later

that they weren’t afraid to be great

they were afraid to fail i found myself

constantly telling them my favorite

failure anecdote that takes me back to

the third grade teacher

explaining the reasons pencils have

erasers on them are so that we can make

mistakes

we can just simply remove them and move

on

what i didn’t tell them for so long is

that i secretly hated that theory

because we

all know that even the best erasers

don’t remove mistakes completely

you can still see remnants of where you

tried something that didn’t work but as

an adult

i can appreciate the spots being left

behind as a reminder of effort

if we empower one another to become

human or racist then we will understand

that our failures lead us to our first

draft

remind as many people as possible that

when you’re writing your story

you’re making mistakes but that they are

essential to your success because

without them

how can you understand who you are or

where you’re going without examining

where you came from

incorporating phrases like that’s okay

it’s not a big deal

and let me tell you how long it took me

to master that skill that you’re

currently struggling with

it makes people feel comfortable because

we’ve taken the power away from failing

and they’ll start to consider it a

moment that they can just bounce back

from

i consider myself an unconventional

teacher it took me over 10 years to

complete my bachelor’s

the first job on my resume was reality

television star

and the second was fashion model one of

my favorite listed skills on my resume

is the ability to see failure

as not the end but the beginning i hope

you decide to make

a commitment to share your failures

because without it excellence does not

exist and the cool thing about

failure is it’ll never tell you that

you’re too tall

too short or too urban everyone’s

welcome to fail

thank you