Nothing happens for a reason
[Music]
it was the 3rd of june
1981
it was a winter’s day
it was a chilly day and there was a sky
that was perfectly blue
not a cloud to be seen and the sun was
shining in a way that its light warmed
you
i was walking home from school
in the sun and i was eight years old
and i was walking home alone from school
which was nothing unusual in 1981 it
wasn’t unusual to see a young boy
walking the streets alone
things were different back then
i got home and there were people at my
house there was a few cars and a friend
of mine daryl my age sitting on the
veranda outside of my house normally my
mom would come and greet me at the door
but today
we had visitors
a friend of my mom’s auntie patsy came
outside to greet me and she said that my
mom wasn’t feeling well
that
i perhaps i should just wait outside
while they looked after her
and they’d come back and fetch me
my mom hadn’t been well my dad and her
were going through a nasty divorce and
i knew the toll it was having on the
both of them and on my brother and me
my mom would often faint or she would
sleep for days sometimes unable to get
out of bed to greet me
hunty patsy went back in and came back
outside to tell me that my mom really
wasn’t doing well and that she needed to
go to the hospital and an ambulance was
on its way
there were a few ladies milling around
inside the house and i didn’t know who
they were and one of them came out to
say to me will i please wait on the
pavement outside the house and direct
the ambulance into the driveway so knew
where to go and i remember feeling quite
excited to see the ambulance
to wave it in like an air traffic
controller guiding in an airplane
the ambulance arrived and pulled into
the driveway and another lady came out
and said that perhaps daryl and i should
go and get some food with her that we
should go and eat
so she suggested we walk with her to the
local cafe they had a fish and chip
shops there and we should get something
to eat there
they used to serve the fish and chips in
newspaper remember that
i used to love it there
we ate and i walked back home the
ambulance had gone and my mom was on her
way to be looked after
i remember there were more cars that
arrived and there were people more
people in and around the house and i
remember be confused as to why they were
there
i got to the front door and a lady
hugged me
and i hugged her back even though i had
no idea who she was and she said perhaps
i should walk to my mom’s room and go
and see auntie patsy
i remember walking down the passageway
and it was a couple of meters long and
there all these ladies that had appeared
out of nowhere were standing on either
side of the wall
and i felt like a prince walking through
a row of gods
i sat down on the bed next to auntie
patsy
and next to her were two crumpled
tissues
and two envelopes
one with my dad’s name on it and one
with my brother and my name on it
i can’t remember what i felt but i
remember it happening
auntie patsy might have taken my hands i
don’t know
but i remember her very gently telling
me
that my mother had taken an overdose
that she had found her when she had come
to visit
and that my mom was dead
i can remember the crumpled tissues
that were next on the bed were still
damp with what i assume were my mom’s
tears
and in each of them was a diamond ring
one for my brother
and one for me
it was all that was left of her and the
letter saying that she was sorry
i remember a few ladies crying
and i can remember my own tears filling
my eyes and it felt like they were
coming from the pit of my stomach
as i gasped and cried
and
even at eight years old i i knew what
her death meant that she was gone
at about that time my brother arrived
home from school he’s five years older
than me
and i can remember running outside to
grab onto him
he was already running down the driveway
in tears like he knew what was happening
and i remember i went and grabbed him
and he held me and i remember screaming
at him saying mom is dead mom is dead as
we both fell to the floor
he was 12
and i was eight
and our mother had decided we weren’t
worth living for
the rest of the day was filled with
people arriving and photos of my mom
were put on the coffee table in the
lounge
and candles were lit next to them and my
brother and i sat silently on the couch
while people who we never knew tried to
say things to make us feel better
don’t worry my boy
your mom’s in a much better place
today god went for a walk in his garden
and picked his most beautiful rose to be
with him
be strong
everything happens for a reason
silver lining after silver lining was
thrown my way as people with the best of
intentions
try to make me feel less broken and
devastated
and traumatized
by her decision to leave us
for years i’ve carried that abandonment
when your mother takes her life when
you’re at such a young age it shapes who
you become and how you see the world it
it makes the world a scary place and it
tells you how easily abandoned and
rejected you can be
it’s it makes the world
something that you want to run away from
and the thing is is that
in that world of scariness
that i felt
i’ve had to
still keep searching
because i’ve been angry with god
i’ve been angry with god’s decision to
pick his rose
to
for him to choose that heaven is a
better alternative than being with me
and i’ve asked loads of questions
questions that can’t be answered
wondering why i wasn’t enough to live
for
what life would be like with her still
here
what did she sound like
hating myself for not paying attention
to the way that she
she spoke she she laughed she she sang
just so that i could remember it
why wasn’t i enough to live for
why did she do it what were the last
words i said to her
before i left for school
forty years have passed since that day
a day forever etched in my memory with
feelings still as close to the surface
as they were back then
and boy oh boy have i done the work
i think my therapy bills paid for my
psychologists house and car
i
i i have looked at my mom’s death from
every angle
and after the years of searching and
crying and healing and speaking and
questioning
this is the realization that i’ve come
to forty years after her passing
nothing happens
for a reason
why did my mother kill herself
because she could
that may sound cold
but it’s how i found peace after years
of fighting
with me with her
and with god
you see when that lady so glibly told me
that everything happens for a reason i
must have decided to start looking for a
reason i searched everywhere i searched
in self-help books and therapy with
priests and monks and in deep
introspection and try as i may i
couldn’t find a reason for her death
my mother died
because she decided to
there was no reason
for me
you see power
that internal sense of strength that
says i can face tomorrow doesn’t come
from always looking on the bright side
of life
especially when things feel like they’re
falling apart i may never be the same
again
power comes from surrender
power comes from surrendering to our
past
to let go of its power
i had to surrender to the fact that on
the 3rd of june 1981
my mother made a decision that would
forever affect and change the trajectory
of my life
the moment i felt my most powerful
was the moment i decided to surrender
and accept
because power also comes from acceptance
i had to surrender to my past accept her
decision
and accept
that what happened before her death and
what has happened since her death up
until today is just part of a tapestry
of things that have happened in my life
and you
have had things that have happened in
your life
that have wounded you deeply
a friend of mine used to remind me that
we don’t just sit next to a person
we sit next to a pool of tears
you have experienced things that have
devastated
and shattered you
and so has the person next to you
a part of all of us are deep gaping
wounds that long to be healed questions
that beg answering and moments that feel
completely out of control
but surrender is the decision to let go
of control
acceptance is the decision to be in
control
by accepting that things happen in our
life that we can’t control
nothing happens for a reason
things just happen
things that turn your world upside down
and i can spend the rest of my days
trying to find reasons trying to find
the lesson in her death or trying to see
myself as stronger because of what she
did but i choose not to
because therein lies my freedom
i surrender
how
by saying two words
oh well
my mother committed suicide
oh well
i surrender
and i accept
i accept that hard things happen along
the way
that things don’t go according to plan
that pain is just a school walk away
you see acceptance is when we embrace a
situation that’s outside of our control
and we see it without judgment
without asking questions without the
need to find its reason
or its lesson
acceptance is when we choose to see that
right now this is where we are right now
this is
it without feeling or wondering how it
could be
and acceptance is not a passive activity
it’s a strong bold resilient decision to
say that what i am is what i am
and where i am is where i am and who i
am is who i am even though parts of me
may be better than scott
it’s about accepting
that this is our life as it is
i can spend the rest of my life
trying to find reasons
i choose not to
when you expend energy
looking for the reasons
you live in a world of
unhappiness
and less
acceptance and surrender
is when we we live in a world of more
more happiness more peace
and more control because surrender
is the one thing in life that we can
control
you don’t have to find the good and the
bad things that happen in life
what you do have to find
is the strength to continue
to go on with a heart of gratitude
with bold strength resilience
to say that i can face tomorrow
you have to allow yourself to go on a
journey
of
acceptance and surrender
to what is
and what has been
i forgot to add that
my grandfather died a few hours before
my mom
on the same day
i lost her and my mom and found out
about it a few hours apart
oh well
i surrendered to the events of that day
i choose to live in the power of
acceptance
rather than as a victim to circumstance
it never happened for a reason
nothing has happened for a reason
nothing happens
for a reason
there’s power in saying that and while i
do believe that a negative can have its
positives one day
and i do believe that strength can
emerge from something that once felt
like it could destroy you
nothing happens for a reason but it can
work for good
but only if you allow yourself to go on
the journey
of acceptance
and surrender
to surrender to what is
and accept what has been
thank you
[Applause]