Nothing happens for a reason

[Music]

it was the 3rd of june

1981

it was a winter’s day

it was a chilly day and there was a sky

that was perfectly blue

not a cloud to be seen and the sun was

shining in a way that its light warmed

you

i was walking home from school

in the sun and i was eight years old

and i was walking home alone from school

which was nothing unusual in 1981 it

wasn’t unusual to see a young boy

walking the streets alone

things were different back then

i got home and there were people at my

house there was a few cars and a friend

of mine daryl my age sitting on the

veranda outside of my house normally my

mom would come and greet me at the door

but today

we had visitors

a friend of my mom’s auntie patsy came

outside to greet me and she said that my

mom wasn’t feeling well

that

i perhaps i should just wait outside

while they looked after her

and they’d come back and fetch me

my mom hadn’t been well my dad and her

were going through a nasty divorce and

i knew the toll it was having on the

both of them and on my brother and me

my mom would often faint or she would

sleep for days sometimes unable to get

out of bed to greet me

hunty patsy went back in and came back

outside to tell me that my mom really

wasn’t doing well and that she needed to

go to the hospital and an ambulance was

on its way

there were a few ladies milling around

inside the house and i didn’t know who

they were and one of them came out to

say to me will i please wait on the

pavement outside the house and direct

the ambulance into the driveway so knew

where to go and i remember feeling quite

excited to see the ambulance

to wave it in like an air traffic

controller guiding in an airplane

the ambulance arrived and pulled into

the driveway and another lady came out

and said that perhaps daryl and i should

go and get some food with her that we

should go and eat

so she suggested we walk with her to the

local cafe they had a fish and chip

shops there and we should get something

to eat there

they used to serve the fish and chips in

newspaper remember that

i used to love it there

we ate and i walked back home the

ambulance had gone and my mom was on her

way to be looked after

i remember there were more cars that

arrived and there were people more

people in and around the house and i

remember be confused as to why they were

there

i got to the front door and a lady

hugged me

and i hugged her back even though i had

no idea who she was and she said perhaps

i should walk to my mom’s room and go

and see auntie patsy

i remember walking down the passageway

and it was a couple of meters long and

there all these ladies that had appeared

out of nowhere were standing on either

side of the wall

and i felt like a prince walking through

a row of gods

i sat down on the bed next to auntie

patsy

and next to her were two crumpled

tissues

and two envelopes

one with my dad’s name on it and one

with my brother and my name on it

i can’t remember what i felt but i

remember it happening

auntie patsy might have taken my hands i

don’t know

but i remember her very gently telling

me

that my mother had taken an overdose

that she had found her when she had come

to visit

and that my mom was dead

i can remember the crumpled tissues

that were next on the bed were still

damp with what i assume were my mom’s

tears

and in each of them was a diamond ring

one for my brother

and one for me

it was all that was left of her and the

letter saying that she was sorry

i remember a few ladies crying

and i can remember my own tears filling

my eyes and it felt like they were

coming from the pit of my stomach

as i gasped and cried

and

even at eight years old i i knew what

her death meant that she was gone

at about that time my brother arrived

home from school he’s five years older

than me

and i can remember running outside to

grab onto him

he was already running down the driveway

in tears like he knew what was happening

and i remember i went and grabbed him

and he held me and i remember screaming

at him saying mom is dead mom is dead as

we both fell to the floor

he was 12

and i was eight

and our mother had decided we weren’t

worth living for

the rest of the day was filled with

people arriving and photos of my mom

were put on the coffee table in the

lounge

and candles were lit next to them and my

brother and i sat silently on the couch

while people who we never knew tried to

say things to make us feel better

don’t worry my boy

your mom’s in a much better place

today god went for a walk in his garden

and picked his most beautiful rose to be

with him

be strong

everything happens for a reason

silver lining after silver lining was

thrown my way as people with the best of

intentions

try to make me feel less broken and

devastated

and traumatized

by her decision to leave us

for years i’ve carried that abandonment

when your mother takes her life when

you’re at such a young age it shapes who

you become and how you see the world it

it makes the world a scary place and it

tells you how easily abandoned and

rejected you can be

it’s it makes the world

something that you want to run away from

and the thing is is that

in that world of scariness

that i felt

i’ve had to

still keep searching

because i’ve been angry with god

i’ve been angry with god’s decision to

pick his rose

to

for him to choose that heaven is a

better alternative than being with me

and i’ve asked loads of questions

questions that can’t be answered

wondering why i wasn’t enough to live

for

what life would be like with her still

here

what did she sound like

hating myself for not paying attention

to the way that she

she spoke she she laughed she she sang

just so that i could remember it

why wasn’t i enough to live for

why did she do it what were the last

words i said to her

before i left for school

forty years have passed since that day

a day forever etched in my memory with

feelings still as close to the surface

as they were back then

and boy oh boy have i done the work

i think my therapy bills paid for my

psychologists house and car

i

i i have looked at my mom’s death from

every angle

and after the years of searching and

crying and healing and speaking and

questioning

this is the realization that i’ve come

to forty years after her passing

nothing happens

for a reason

why did my mother kill herself

because she could

that may sound cold

but it’s how i found peace after years

of fighting

with me with her

and with god

you see when that lady so glibly told me

that everything happens for a reason i

must have decided to start looking for a

reason i searched everywhere i searched

in self-help books and therapy with

priests and monks and in deep

introspection and try as i may i

couldn’t find a reason for her death

my mother died

because she decided to

there was no reason

for me

you see power

that internal sense of strength that

says i can face tomorrow doesn’t come

from always looking on the bright side

of life

especially when things feel like they’re

falling apart i may never be the same

again

power comes from surrender

power comes from surrendering to our

past

to let go of its power

i had to surrender to the fact that on

the 3rd of june 1981

my mother made a decision that would

forever affect and change the trajectory

of my life

the moment i felt my most powerful

was the moment i decided to surrender

and accept

because power also comes from acceptance

i had to surrender to my past accept her

decision

and accept

that what happened before her death and

what has happened since her death up

until today is just part of a tapestry

of things that have happened in my life

and you

have had things that have happened in

your life

that have wounded you deeply

a friend of mine used to remind me that

we don’t just sit next to a person

we sit next to a pool of tears

you have experienced things that have

devastated

and shattered you

and so has the person next to you

a part of all of us are deep gaping

wounds that long to be healed questions

that beg answering and moments that feel

completely out of control

but surrender is the decision to let go

of control

acceptance is the decision to be in

control

by accepting that things happen in our

life that we can’t control

nothing happens for a reason

things just happen

things that turn your world upside down

and i can spend the rest of my days

trying to find reasons trying to find

the lesson in her death or trying to see

myself as stronger because of what she

did but i choose not to

because therein lies my freedom

i surrender

how

by saying two words

oh well

my mother committed suicide

oh well

i surrender

and i accept

i accept that hard things happen along

the way

that things don’t go according to plan

that pain is just a school walk away

you see acceptance is when we embrace a

situation that’s outside of our control

and we see it without judgment

without asking questions without the

need to find its reason

or its lesson

acceptance is when we choose to see that

right now this is where we are right now

this is

it without feeling or wondering how it

could be

and acceptance is not a passive activity

it’s a strong bold resilient decision to

say that what i am is what i am

and where i am is where i am and who i

am is who i am even though parts of me

may be better than scott

it’s about accepting

that this is our life as it is

i can spend the rest of my life

trying to find reasons

i choose not to

when you expend energy

looking for the reasons

you live in a world of

unhappiness

and less

acceptance and surrender

is when we we live in a world of more

more happiness more peace

and more control because surrender

is the one thing in life that we can

control

you don’t have to find the good and the

bad things that happen in life

what you do have to find

is the strength to continue

to go on with a heart of gratitude

with bold strength resilience

to say that i can face tomorrow

you have to allow yourself to go on a

journey

of

acceptance and surrender

to what is

and what has been

i forgot to add that

my grandfather died a few hours before

my mom

on the same day

i lost her and my mom and found out

about it a few hours apart

oh well

i surrendered to the events of that day

i choose to live in the power of

acceptance

rather than as a victim to circumstance

it never happened for a reason

nothing has happened for a reason

nothing happens

for a reason

there’s power in saying that and while i

do believe that a negative can have its

positives one day

and i do believe that strength can

emerge from something that once felt

like it could destroy you

nothing happens for a reason but it can

work for good

but only if you allow yourself to go on

the journey

of acceptance

and surrender

to surrender to what is

and accept what has been

thank you

[Applause]