Friendships in Adulthood 5 Things to Know

lots of people want to ride with you

in the limo but what you want is someone

who will take the bus with you when the

limo breaks down

this quote from oprah winfrey cuts to

the heart of my talk

and it relates to a story of how my

buddy aaron

took the bus with me back when aaron and

i were in college

we’d meet for dinner almost every night

we loved talking about how we’d become

psychologists

we’d go into practice together and

dreamed up ridiculous

tiny details including a waiting room

with a pool table and a sushi chef

because we were 18

and we were goofballs i have since

learned that would be

a very bad idea

after college he became a psychologist

but i didn’t i was happy for him but i

was

in a perpetual state of grief

many years went by and on a hot august

night

i hit a low point i woke up at around

2am with my heart

pounding i went into the er and learned

it was a panic attack

i later realized my panic was caused by

me quashing

my dream of becoming a psychologist

my career path saddened me daily but i

was married had a mortgage

a son and becoming a psychologist seemed

impossible

a few months later aaron and i were

hanging out i was

nearly crying when i mentioned how

heartbroken i was

that i didn’t follow my dream he said

dude you still can what ensued was

to put it mildly a heated discussion

i pushed back hard but he pushed back

harder

he wasn’t willing to let my fear kill my

dream

but he was willing to push through my

resistance

get uncomfortable and fight for my

happiness

his courage and commitment gave me new

life

i became a psychologist i love my work

and it wouldn’t have happened without my

friend

friendship is a really big deal and yet

compared to the number of books on

romantic relationships

there are few books on friendship

i want to share with you five ideas you

need to know about

adult friendship in my experience these

five ideas can make a big difference

in your life the ideas come from

research

my observation as a silicon valley

psychologist and my personal experiences

with friendship

so here goes idea one loneliness

can be lethal let’s first look at

loneliness

according to a recent survey three out

of five americans

are lonely u.s surgeon general

dr vivek murthy described loneliness as

a public health issue

it can be more predictive of mortality

than even

obesity it’s important to contrast

loneliness

from solitude solitude is not the same

as loneliness

solitude which is choosing to be alone

can be restorative and

even essential but loneliness is painful

and something no one would ever choose

that said good relationships improve our

health

a harvard study spanning more than 80

years showed that men lived longer and

were happier

when they had close relationships and it

wasn’t how many relationships they had

instead it was the quality of

relationships

that mattered research also shows

that social support improves recovery

times when we’re sick or recovering from

medical

procedures without question

our health improves with good

friendships idea two

forget about cryptocurrency for a minute

invest

in friendship to earn the benefits of

friendship we need to invest by treating

our friends

as our a-listers because they are

a-list treatment includes being caring

empathic

honest reliable trustworthy

loyal present and a good listener

it also means reaching out and showing

up

it’s a virtuous cycle the more we invest

in friendship

the better people we and our friends

become friendship shows up a lot as a

topic

in my office and here’s a story about

investing in friendship

that comes from an amalgamation of

several clients

we’ll call him fred fred is a successful

venture capitalist and a likable guy

yet he complained of having a void in

his life

he said he had no friends he had lots of

connections on social media

and lots of people would be very happy

to ride with him in the limo

but nobody would ride the bus with him

although fred was a powerful man he felt

powerless to even start

to fill the void he was well educated

but like most of us he wasn’t educated

on how important friends could be

or how to do friendship

he had friends up through college but

after college

he didn’t maintain friendships or grow

new ones

he also got a reputation for being a

flake whose only priority was business

fred was a venture capitalist a

professional

investor who didn’t invest

in friendship fred hit rock bottom and

decided

to change he began to invest by making

time in his calendar

for friends he called them often with

no agenda just to say hi he hung out

with them

he showed up emotionally and he showed

up on time

he put away his phone when he was with

them

and as we worked toward his friendship

goals he’d ask himself

how have i shown up as a friend this

week

the result in fred’s words the return on

his friendship

investment was far better than any

business investment he’d ever had

we’ve got to be like fred friendship

requires investment idea three

friendship can boost your love life when

we invest in good friendships our

romantic relationships improve

until a few hundred years ago we lived

in tight-knit communities

you know that saying it takes a village

couple’s therapist esther perrell talks

about how we once

had an entire village to count on for

all kinds of social needs

now we tend to place all of those needs

onto one person

our significant other since we all have

a broad spectrum of needs it’s

impossible and

unreasonable to expect our primary

partners

to meet them all while i’m talking to

all genders

research suggests that men in particular

may struggle to find and maintain

friendship

especially in western nations men can be

socialized

to be independent which can sabotage

their quest for friendship

we see lots of movies with the

independent guy a solitary protagonist

representing an ideal

we glorify a guy whose life recipe

results in sadness and loneliness

men who follow in those footsteps may

unintentionally put

the burden of all the missing

friendships

onto their spouses and regardless of

gender

it’s uncommon for anyone to appreciate

every single aspect of their partner

that’s what friends are for our romantic

relationships benefit from friendship

idea four even superheroes

have limits there are limits to what any

friend can provide

friends are like superheroes with

strengths and limits

a friend who’s happy to help you move

might not be able to do the heavy

lifting of emotional support

when you go through a tough time another

friend

might be unable or reluctant to help you

move but might shine

in supporting you after a breakup

friendships do better

when we know our friends limits but

sometimes we can gently challenge those

limits and discover that our friendship

has more elasticity than we thought

that’s a great way for friendships to

deepen

but if they don’t friendships can still

thrive when we accept those limits

gracefully

idea five it’s a bad idea to spend more

time choosing a car

than choosing our friends what’s good to

think about

when choosing friends it’s a good idea

to look for people who reflect the

person

we want to become we humans are social

animals

studies show that as individualistic as

we may think we are

we still tend to conform or be

influenced by others

there’s truth to the idea that we become

the average

of the five people we spend the most

time with

so choose friends whose judgment you

value

think about all the times you seek

advice from a trusted friend

our friends become our advisory board

and shape how we think

and we need to pay attention as

friendships develop

according to research it takes between

three to nine weeks to make a friend and

to make a good friend about four months

but we only really know our friends over

time

especially how well they can celebrate

with us when we win

and how well they support us when we

lose

and while it can be fun easy and safe to

talk about

topics like movies politics and

technology

in close friendships it’s also important

to talk about

how we are really doing

can we truly share what’s going on in

our lives this takes trust

safety and vulnerability remember my

story how vulnerable i was with aaron

because of that vulnerability i found

the courage

to make a change and this is consistent

with what dr brene brown’s research has

shown

courage and vulnerability go hand in

hand

we can only be courageous if we are

willing

to be vulnerable but the payoff can be

a stronger friendship and a stronger you

and whomever you choose as a friend

you’ll be giving them your most precious

and non-renewable resource your time

you can lose your money and get it back

you can lose your health and get it back

but you can’t lose your time and get it

back

a good use of time is being in

reciprocal relationships with a healthy

give and take you can ask yourself

does the friendship feed me or bleed me

obviously you’ll want to feel fed by

your friendship meaning nourished or

enriched and you’ll want this for your

friend too

even in the best friendship we may we

may feel bled

or depleted at times but it’s important

to notice

a great way to discern the fetter bled

is by doing what i call

the driveway test imagine you’ve been

hanging out with a friend whether in

person on the phone or

even online how do you feel

driving away or leaving the encounter

do you feel taller happier better or do

you feel

deflated exhausted or perhaps used

and sometimes if negative feelings

persist

we might have to move on if this happens

it can be helpful to do so with

gratitude for the time you shared

what do we think about at the end of our

lives we think about our

relationships loved ones family and yes

friends as for me i’m sure i’ll reflect

on friendships about aaron

and that epic conversation when he said

dude you still can

the effect of that conversation showed

me all five things

you need to know about adult friendship

my health

improved my investment in friendship

paid off

my wife is happier because i’m happier

and even though there are limits since

aaron lives in hawaii

it’s still a great friendship and for

sure

i chose a great friend and advisor

i’ll close with the words of tennessee

williams life is partly

what we make it and partly what is made

by the friends we choose i’ve got to add

finding a therapist with a pool table

and a sushi bar in their waiting room is

a long shot

a better bet is this good friendships

can deepen and enrich our lives

immensely

thank you