Hey there delusive thought lets go on a date tonight

relax rouhani

you’ll be just fine as you always have

did anyone notice those words hovering

in the background

[Music]

can you relate to any of them

does it remind you of something

of a big mush of thoughts and emotions

that just don’t know where they belong

of your heart impelling you to find your

truth

in a predetermined world of the sneering

midlife crisis

before you’ve understood the term crisis

let me tell you what it reminds me of it

reminds me of a girl

who despite being at the counselor’s

office

thrice a week didn’t recognize that she

was struggling with her thoughts

she would go to the counselor cry it out

and temporarily feel better

she never for once understood the terms

mental health

or mental illness even though she was

constantly drained emotionally

bitter throughout the ib and just wished

that someone would save her from her

thoughts

she never believed that her thoughts had

the power to affect her gut

nor that her racing heartbeats were

dangerous

as long as she could get work done

nothing else mattered

funny huh how we tend to identify the

big bad things

occurring in our lives as catastrophe

and the ceaseless back and forth

bickering of our thoughts

as harmless left unchecked our thoughts

go on to create the catastrophes

we’re facing in our world at every level

as our emotions

develop through our thoughts and

together our emotions and thoughts

determine the quality of our actions

thus our thoughts emotions and actions

are deeply interlinked and deeply impact

the relationships we have with ourselves

our fellow humans other living beings

and mother nature

do you know what my guru puja baitry

defines

as mental illness being regretful of the

past

excessively worrying about the future or

being overly attached

to the present this last one

quite reminds me of myself because when

i was in school

i found solace in routine pooping every

morning

going to school coming back doing

homework

exercising having three meals a day

spending time with family and repeating

that was my life a carefully constructed

formula

that dared not change and every time i

tried to change

i worked even harder to keep it intact i

felt so proud

every every time i defeated time in that

moment

[Music]

i thought i had mastered time management

but what’s the point

if it doesn’t welcome change what’s the

point

if you can’t make time to develop the

most nurturing bond

of your life the bond between yourself

and your thoughts because prioritizing

everything but yourself

and having answers to everyone else’s

questions

will not quench your thirst it will

instead

make you this irritable human being who

will eventually

combust like i did after high school

when life became uncertain

a word i absolutely and passionately

despised

and one that still makes me quite

uncomfortable

i was so accustomed to the words

perfection

certainty grades competition and the

phrase

i will be happy once but i couldn’t

acknowledge the nourishing words

such as growth change

self-care gratitude journey

not until i was thrown into the messy

reality of life

not until i went away to study

architecture in edinburgh

my proud answer to every auntie that

would ask so

what are you going to study better but

only to realize

that i was fading and i wasn’t able to

speak about it

because i felt ashamed of not knowing

what the future held

if i quit these were not

feelings i recognized but i had to quit

eventually because my inert body

was pleading with me please

help me be with me

because i can’t go on any longer

i was battling between healing myself

fast so that i could go back to school

or giving myself the time i required to

heal

i ended up going back to another

university and came back

in three months i know it sounds funny

to my ears as well

but at that point in time i was

devastated

so devastated that my heart sobbed

in a numbed paralyzed body

i thought that one big bad event was

enough for a lifetime

but two big bad events and that too

consecutively

i must be cursed this time

i couldn’t get out of that messy

daunting state

all i did was repent my past choices

and indulge in negative self-talk as if

it were a big bowl of belgian chocolate

ice cream

all my sentences began with what if and

i wish i this time i had to sit

through the ruthless pain and feel every

aching moment of it i had to deal

with every thought lovingly

in simpler terms i had to learn how to

think

you know the way we learn to solve math

problems

by doing them over and over again

because thinking is hard thinking makes

us question everything

and confuses us even more right

but imagine we had someone to guide us

through our thoughts

someone who offered us options for

addressing

our problems someone who simply

listened to us rant about life

yes i’m talking about a therapist

the one person i never wanted to meet

because i found it pointless

and belittling but then she never

treated anything i talked about

as pointless not even my poop conundrum

that lasted for eight sessions straight

it was when my bowel started to relax a

little and my poop cycle started to

change

that i finally agreed that yes our gut

is very much affected by our thoughts

because whenever i’m anxious

my whole body becomes rigid and my

bowels

stop working it’s my body’s way of

telling me

uh oh something’s wrong can you please

address it so that i can function

normally again

i find it both fascinating and

disturbing

that a single persistent thought let

alone several thoughts

has the power to make or break our body

all we need is a medium any medium

that will drive us to confront our

thoughts

any medium that will reveal to us the

source

of our mental burden so that we can

tackle it

and learn from it not tackle it and

forget about it

so that when the next problem comes we

don’t know what to do

and are once again questioning why me

it’s like getting stuck into a new hole

if we didn’t retain what we tackled

from what we uh if we didn’t retain

what we learned from tackling our last

hole

then this hole would feel just as

obnoxious

and foreign as if we’ve never dealt with

getting stuck

inside a hole before which we all have

starting from the baby that persistently

tries to get back up

after experiencing its first fall

however had we carried along the

learning with us

from our last hole and practiced it

along the way

we would realize that every hole

although they may vary in depth size

or substance are connected by one force

our approach our approach dictates

how we see life and thus thrive through

each distinctive whole

along the way we refine our approach

by sitting with our thoughts every

single day

no matter how uncomfortable or baffling

it may be

to understand them so that we can

nurture them from our past experiences

and blossom into a tree of felicitous

thoughts

becoming a tree of felicitous thoughts

allows us

to live in the present without grieving

the past

becoming too comfortable with the

present or over worrying about the

future

we no longer delay happiness but we’ll

naturally find it everywhere

such that even when we’ve fallen into a

hole we don’t realize

but if we do we work towards getting out

of it

instead of dwelling over why me because

as my guru says happiness and sorrow are

two wrestlers on the battlefield

when one is on top the other is trampled

underneath

but they’re both still there coexisting

in a world of duality

which is exactly why we need consistent

compassionate introspection to help us

maintain a rhythm in this dualistic

world

to help our minds unclog effortlessly

the way writing when i met rouhani

unclogged mine

when i started writing the book in late

2016

my goal was much simpler i wanted to

create

a love story that was divine one

where the characters sought more than

just sensual gratification

this was an experimentation not for the

world to see

but when i picked up my almost discarded

manuscript in 2018

a series of positive what ifs followed

what if rouhani is based on you what if

aditya and rouhani

are both manifestations of you what if

the love story

is set within the context of your past

experiences

there were two rouhanis now the one

writing about rouhani

and the character herself the one

writing about rouhani

was peeling several layers of her past

experiences and identity

off as she fed it to her manuscript

whilst the character herself was working

towards peeling off those layers

through the journey of the book now

there were still events small holes

occurring outside my book life events

that i couldn’t control

but knowing that i could control the

events inside my book

made me feel both grateful and like a

badass

the more i molded the plot and

characters through my writing

the better i felt internally it felt

like moving around

thought blocks until they fit perfectly

to the tune

and structure of my head i felt

empowered

to create holes and then make sure that

my characters

got out of them because it only

supported me

into getting out of my holes so i was

being unconsciously

selfish the more i wrote the more i

realized

that my story carried many people’s

struggles

that it encompassed mundane sentiments

and this is when i realized the bigger

purpose of my book

i wanted to give a voice to all those

girls and boys who were struggling with

men

of with internal issues that they were

unable to speak about

because of fearing the society their

family

or even themselves i wanted to let them

know

that rouhani is here for them that is

their strength

and always will be thus the scope had

changed

which wouldn’t have been possible in

so funnily enough i thank my unpleasant

experiences

those unforeseen holes that made me

question my existence back then

because without them when i met rouhani

would not exist

and without when i met rohani well i

wouldn’t be up here

so if you don’t know what you want say

i don’t know what i want yet that’s when

that thought of yours

will delightedly accept defeat aha

she finally acknowledges my existence

she accepts me

every time we accept our lack of

knowledge or rather

our ignorance in the moment we’re

conquering

our ego by declaring that persistent

unsettling thought we realize knowledge

of our lack of knowledge which is a very

first knowledge

our curiosity and willingness to receive

what we don’t know

opens us up to a journey in the light of

positivity

filled with endless possibilities we’re

giving our unsurety

a high five and telling it let’s work

together buddy

you you and i have a lot of not to

untangle

that’s the brave journey that rouhani is

on thank you