The Traits of an Adult Child of Dysfunction.

[Music]

my jaw

dropped tick tick

tick the sound i heard in my head

as my sister jen listed one by one

the trait of an adult child of alcohol

she was studying this

for her college course for us

it was alcohol but the research found

that these traits equally applied to

environments such as gambling

drug addiction abuse or dysfunction

traits like loving people who needed

rescuing

that was me tick

low self-esteem tick

people pleasing seeking the approval of

others

tick avoiding conflict tick

more comfortable living in drama than

peace

tick terrified

of personal criticism tick

by the age of 16 i was drinking heavy

gone from one toxic relationship to

another my doctor had diagnosed me as

depressed

the 25th of february 1998 i was 23.

it was supposed to be the best day of my

life

i had walked around the clock to save

the deposit for myself and my son’s

first home

but my boyfriend at the time was an

alcoholic

just two months before we were due to

sign for our house

he hit the drink became deeply depressed

and he refused to get out of bed i had

tried

everything to help him it was never

enough

i remember the day we got our keys we

had no money for new furniture

but i had bought some new pots and pans

the evening we were moving in i left my

son with my mom and i’m so glad i did

we had another huge brow

but this time something inside me

changed

i finally accepted that this needed to

end

i spent a total of one night in my new

home

i left the next morning but i never once

regretted my decision to live

and take my new pots and pans with me

low self-esteem tick

two years after i bought my pots and

pans i fell

head over heels in love with ian

we’d only been dating for a few weeks

when i heard the words slip out of my

mouth

i love you

did i just say that all sorts of stories

went running through my mind

as a deadly silence hung in the air

oh was his reply i had

never met anyone like this guy he was so

confident

he was so self-assured what did he see

in me

i was possibly an alcoholic i was

depressed

i made a mess of things how could

someone like him

ever love someone like me a couple of

weeks later

i was at home alone i was having a few

drinks when i felt

so low i went looking in the cupboards

for pills

the rest was just a blower until i woke

up in hospital

after having my stomach pumped

if you ever do that to me again he said

i’m gone i love you amanda

but i’m not staying in a relationship if

you do this to me again

i knew he meant it i knew he would live

after that life was good to us but it

was not without its challenges

and that was mainly my drinking i had a

huge

sense of entitlement when it came to my

nights out

because this was my only escape from my

dark thoughts and my harsh self-judgment

when i drank that all disappeared

i was the life and soul of the night out

i was fun

i was liked i needed that feeling

and i wasn’t giving that up for anyone

even in

now years passed and eventually

i began to work on myself and the more i

worked on myself

the less i needed those drunken highs

i liked the sober me i had a

deep sense and knowing

that life had more for me i was driven

to challenge myself and i’d even started

my own business

but i still

sought the approval of others tick

despised this side of me i hated that i

agreed with everyone

even when i didn’t that my identity was

wrapped up

in what everyone else thought of me it

caused me

endless amounts of stress and anxiety

i hated that i would say yes when i

meant no

or i’d smile and look interested in

conversations

when the truth was i often didn’t

understand what the other person was

talking about

one day i was queuing up for lunch

at a business event when the guy beside

me started a conversation

i smiled i asked him the only question i

could think of

and what’s your business i own a

logistics company told me

oh marvelous i had no idea what that

meant

now the old me would have stood in dread

dreaded that he would think i was stupid

i’ve heard the logistics i said

but i’m not sure what it means could you

explain please

because i had began to challenge my

behavior

he beamed a smile of course

i’d be happy to i felt 10

feet tall i did it i asked the question

without caring what he thought of me i

felt empowered

for some people who have been brought up

in environments

such as gambling drug addiction abuse

alcoholism or dysfunction my

experiences may seem simple

but for me they were highly significant

when i reflect i believe one thing stood

out

i took responsibility i took

responsibility

when i left my gorgeous brand new home

after one night

i took responsibility when i started to

work on myself

and i took responsibility when i

politely

demanded to know what logistics meant

on the august bank holiday weekend 2017

age 42 i went on an almighty bender

i came home after three days and i sat

in my couch

and as i sat there all the old feelings

came flooding back the guilt

the shame and the regress

i taught about the confident

self-assured sober amanda who was

building a driving business

and i quietly came to the decision

i’m done i took responsibility

i finally quit alcohol

i became aware of my new feelings

hope and my faith and i ran with them

and i’ve become the person i always knew

i was meant to be i

invite you to take responsibility

and add hope and become the person that

you know

you’re meant to be

[Music]

you