Recovery The Invisible Barrier

[Music]

what if i told you that for the next 30

days someone’s going to follow you

around

and keep a record of everything you do

wrong like every time you eat a few

grapes in the grocery store while you’re

waiting in line

or maybe you lie about being sick when

you’re

really not sick to get to work

or you skip sunday dinner at your

in-laws and you lie that your children

are not feeling well

or you tell a little white lie to your

spouse or maybe

you even lie to a police officer to get

out of a ticket we’ve all done something

like that right

then what if i told you that it could

follow you in a national database

for the rest of your life that it could

haunt you every time you go for a loan

to apply for school to rent an apartment

to buy a house

to acquire resources for you and your

children

or to even try to get property or

medical insurance but most of all

just to get a job what if every bad

decision

hung over your head for the rest of your

life

i ask you these things because this is

what i’ve experienced

every single day for the last 14 years

let me tell you about the person you see

before you today

today i am the founder of a non-profit

extended care for women

for struggling with substance use

disorder i’m an intensive outpatient

program director

at mountain view recovery here in

asheville north carolina

i’m an internationally certified alcohol

and drug counselor

operating in two different states and

i’m the lead on the oral history

sweeping the nation

for people struggling with substance use

disorder but most importantly

what people do not see when they think

about addiction is that i’m human

just like you with a family who loves me

with friends and colleagues that look up

to me

today i am the mother of three highly

successful children today i’m successful

today i’m determined and every day to be

the change

today i am hope today i am the miracle

known as recovery today

i am freedom from active addiction

december 23rd

23rd 20 2006 is the day that would

forever change my life

never would it be the same

that is the day that i became a justice

involved individual

possession with intent distribute

manufacture dispense or sell

just two years into my sentence i would

receive yet another felony

and that would leave me only lost from

um

connection the opposite of addiction you

see is connection

so another drug-related felony left me

yet another charge

but let me tell you how i got there at

the age of five months

i became blind in one eye

from a tragic accident and just three

months later i would be even more

disconnected from normalcy

as my mother lied dead on the operating

table at the age of 29.

imagine for me if you would for just a

minute your entire lifeline

everything that had ever agreed every

person who had ever greeted you

the person who had greeted you every

morning your only caretaker

was gone in the blink of an eye

my father an enlisted navy man would

spend the rest of his career trying to

find someone anyone to take care of this

little girl

with a multitude of injuries and medical

needs

by kindergarten it was clear i would

never know what it was like to see out

of two eyes

the teasing and torment would follow me

for many years to come

as my father answered the call to serve

time and time again

i was left with a woman he thought he

could trust i want to be severely beaten

abandoned and even left it outside in a

blistering cold

starving with my other with my older

brother begging for food

with cigarette burns on our body if we

dare shed one tear

i was blessed to have some family

members who fought very hard to free me

from this

trauma and eventually they succeeded

but the damage was done

this is where my addiction began not

with drugs and alcohol

but with the need for validation i

yearned to be wanted i yearned to be

needed i yearned to be accepted at any

and all cost

whatever it took to hear the words i

love you

just to believe for a moment as someone

anyone cared

as i lost more and more of myself and

attempted suicide over and over turning

to drugs and alcohol was just another

part of my journey

i was trying to hide the pain trying to

gain control

jails mental institutions and my

acceptance of death had become my only

destination

for me the chains of my addiction would

be broken in 2012.

when i found myself staring back at my

children’s eyes

tears streaming down their face

i felt my very heart shatter against the

bulletproof glass

ten months of being unable to touch them

ten months of being unable to hold them

10 months and i still could not stop

their little hearts from aching for

their mother

that is the moment that brought me to my

knees

and at that moment i promised myself my

children would never look at me through

glass again

freedom come from some someone so much

greater

so much wiser and so much more powerful

as i stood in front of a judge for the

fourth and final time

my opportunity would come in the form of

restoration

and shackles and waste chains ashamed

embarrassed and afraid of who and what i

had become

as the district attorney pled his case

for every injustice i had made to an

unforgiving system

the judge looked at me with redemption

and grace and he said this state will do

this woman no good

let her go home let her get her life

together let her go back to work

and that’s just what i did and so i was

sober

and i was and i thought i was free but

the better i got and

so more sober i became and the longer i

stayed sober

i still had no access to the big four

food

housing education and employability all

because of a drug charge

i was a new person living a new life

with what i thought was endless

possibilities

from the drastic changes i had made how

was i supposed to contribute to a

society who had shut me out of its most

basic privileges

i will never forget being met at the

door 34 years

34 days of employment as a supervisor

give us

your keys give us your badge hr won’t

touch you

we just got your criminal record back it

didn’t matter how honest i was

or just two years ago when i applied for

a home and i was denied because my

background was

less than favorable for what you see is

they don’t they didn’t see the person

standing in front of you today

they only saw what i looked like on

paper and that was all that mattered

i had no value how do we become

productive members of society

and provide for our children when we

have no access to the resources that

change

our lives what makes the distance what

makes the

difference in the ability to allow for

the access to the big four

food housing education and employability

do you understand that our current

system determines how successful we are

by whether or not we reoffend not by

whether or not we’re success

our success is not measured by our

perseverance our accomplishments

or our victories but only our failures

the same system strips us from anything

that even

can be conceived as success we are no

longer allowed access to the big four

food housing education and employability

our current system spends billions of

dollars a year

educating prisoners as a form of

rehabilitation

yet when they return to society they

cannot get jobs doing the things they

were rehabilitated and trained to do

they are fed false hope of a brighter

future with your tax dollars

our system allows men and women to get

degrees

teaches them a trade even them allows

them to fight our national forest fires

while in prison these prisoners

in california risk their lives every day

for a community to save

save a community that they could not be

a part of once released from prison

instead they were told no because their

criminal records

why were they good enough to fight the

fires during incarceration

but not allowed to fight them and when

not allowed to protect the same

community they served

their lives with as we become productive

members of society

we are told no again and again and again

application after application after

application in 14 years two months and

24 days the only thing the system has

ever given back to me is the right to

vote for the success of this country

they have never given me true freedom

i’m still enslaved to background checks

still denied housing still unable to

participate in food and program

food and education programs available to

others

sex offenders murderers and rapists are

still allowed access to two

of the big four that i am not

though i was given grace and mercy and

god made a way i am only one

that made it out despite the obstacles

what about the other mothers the other

women the other daughters

the other men when will they get their

chance for success

when will the paper trail and the guilt

and shame stop following them

i am forever caught in a system that

will not forgive me

will not allow me to make an amends to

society after all wasn’t the reason

that’s the reason i was sentenced in the

first place to pay my debt to society

yet my interest is compounded daily and

my debt will never be paid in full

governmental amnesty is the answer

governmental amnesty is a concept that i

only thought i was creating for people

like me

but in georgia bill senate 288

they have allowed the certain certain

access for expungement for miss some

misdemeanors and drug non-related

felonies also known as the second chance

law in georgia and the second chance act

here in north carolina

but it’s just not enough

it’s just not enough it’s an amazing

start

remember even this does not help me

because i have multiple convictions

in 2018 an isap

journal of labor policy found workers

with a criminal background check with

criminal backgrounds

appear to be no worse and possibly even

better

than workers without such background

bills like this also need to restrict

access to criminal records where

eligibility to the big four are

concerned food housing

education and employability

it is vital that we continue to reform

the criminal justice system

for successful reintegration restoration

and our only genuine goal is not a

lifetime of setbacks

setbacks and punishments i

am what over 25 million in recovery

today can contribute to your community

if given the chance but the solution can

be found in you

inside each of you is a voice will your

voice be heard with

compassion and humanity their voice is

powerful enough to change the reality

for people

so many just like me governmental

amnesty creates a system that no longer

continues to

punish people for a lifetime of setbacks

and bad choices and it does not shut

them out from the very existence they

need to be successful

it will limit accessibility of criminal

records

that empower individuals to turn from

criminal activity

and be catapulted into redemption

restoration

and success it is you and your voice

that can turn this concept into a

movement sweeping the nation

will you raise your voice by advocating

by supporting by speaking up for

individuals

like us today i am determined to be the

change

today and every day i am hope today

i am the miracle known as recovery today

i have earned governmental amnesty

today will you be the beacon of hope

and inspire a miracle another’s recovery

will you become the difference

that inspires today will you be

the change