A Divine Departure A Journey of A Moslem Transman

Dozens years ago

When I’m studying in madrasah ibtidaiyah or equal to elementary school

I spent alot of time in boy dorm in an islamic boarding school that founded by my Grandfather

and manage by my parents that time

I’m happy and I feel that I’m part of them. And I feel that I just like them.

I feel so free as a boy

But each time I to go to school I have to wear a skirt

People said male student wear a pants and female student must wear a skirt

You as a female student have to wear a skirt at school.

This make me feel unfree and sad during my school time.

So each time I’m back from school, I changed my skirt to pants and start playing around like other little boy.

then I went into madrasah tsanawiyah or equal to middle school.

My parents start telling me that I as a teenage girl are not allowed anymore to play in boy’s dorm with the boy students.

you have to wear hijab and stay at the girl’s dorm.

I feel that my happiness taken away that time.

Since that time I don’t see me as I am.

Somany poeple told me that I’m a tomboy.

I have a lot of tomboy friends, till now they’re still look masculine.

But they don’t think that there’s something wrong with their body

Instead of me, I have a lot of question and struggle in my mind questioning about who I am.

That situatin happening so long until I went to university.

During my collage time I read a lot and spend a lot of time in organization.

Then I realized that the world is filled with so diverse human identities.

Include the gender and sexual identities

so I studied more and more about my own gender identities.

until I realize that I’m not a woman.

I am a man, I’m a transman

Then I have the courage to tell this to my mother.

That moment when I share this story to my mother is the most touching moment in my life.

Because before that I never have a deep conversation with my mother.

But when I share that story. I feel so close with her for the first time.

After two to three hours of story.