How to talk and listen to transgender people Jackson Bird

Hi, I’m Jack,

and I’m transgender.

Let me take a guess at some of thoughts

that might be running
through your head right now.

“Transgender?

Wait, does that mean that they’re
actually a man or actually a woman?”

“I wonder if he’s had the surgery yet …

Oh, now I’m looking at his crotch.

Look to the right,
that’s a safe place to look.”

“Yes, I knew it!
No real man has hips like those.”

“My friend’s daughter is transgender –

I wonder if they know each other.”

“Oh my gosh, he is so brave.

I would totally support his right
to use the men’s bathroom.

Wait, but how does he use the bathroom?

How does he have sex?”

OK, OK, let’s stop
those hypothetical questions

before we get too close for my comfort.

I mean, don’t get me wrong,

I did come here today to share
my personal experiences being transgender,

but I did not wake up this morning
wanting to tell an entire audience

about my sex life.

Of course, that’s the problem
with being trans, right?

People are pretty much always
wondering how we have sex

and what kind of equipment
we’re working with below the belt.

Being trans is awkward.

And not just because the gender
I was assigned at birth

mismatches the one I really am.

Being trans is awkward

because everyone else gets awkward
when they’re around me.

People who support me and all other
trans people wholeheartedly

are often so scared to say to wrong thing,

so embarrassed to not know
what they think they should,

that they never ask.

Part of what was so nerve-racking
about coming out as transgender

was knowing that people
wouldn’t know what I meant.

And when someone comes out as gay,

people know what that means,

but when you come out as trans,

you have to face the misconceptions

that will color other people’s
impressions of you

even after you’ve educated them …

And you will have to educate them.

When I came out,

I wrote at 10-page encyclopedic document

with a zip-file attachment
of music and videos

that I sent to every
single person I came out to.

(Laughter)

And I kept it in my email signature
for months afterwards,

because you also
don’t ever stop coming out.

I came out to the accountant
helping me with my taxes

and the TSA agents who didn’t know
which one of them should pat me down,

the man or the woman.

I mean, I just came out
to everyone watching this.

When I came out to my dad,

to my great relief, he was totally cool
with me being trans,

but as soon as I started talking
about physically transitioning,

he freaked.

And I quickly realized it was because he,
like so many other people,

think that physical transition
means just one thing:

the surgery.

Now, listen,

if there were one magical surgery

that could turn me into a tall, muscular,

societally perfect image
of a man overnight,

I’d sign up in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple.

There are dozens of different
gender-affirming surgeries

from chest surgeries to bottom surgeries

to facial feminization and man-sculpting.

Many trans people will only ever undergo
one procedure in their lifetime, if that.

Maybe because they don’t
personally feel the need

but also because they’re expensive,

and health insurance
is only beginning to cover them.

Instead, the first step for a trans person
seeking physical transition

is usually hormone replacement therapy.

Hormones are why I have a deeper voice
and some sparse whiskers on my neck

and a giant pimple on my chin.

Basically, they put you
through a second puberty …

it’s a blast.

(Laughter)

Now, because our transitions
are slower and steadier

than historic misconceptions
can lead people to believe,

there can be some confusion

about when to call someone
by their new name and pronouns.

There’s no distinct point
in physical transition

at which a trans person
becomes their true gender.

As soon as they tell you
their new name and pronouns,

that’s when you start using them.

It can be difficult to make the change.

You might slip up here and there;

I’ve slipped up myself
with other trans people.

But I always think to myself,

if we can change from calling
Puff Daddy to P. Diddy,

and if we apologize profusely
when we’ve used the wrong gender pronoun

for someone’s pet cat –

I mean, I think we can make
the same effort

for the real humans in our lives.

Now, there is no topic that makes other
people more awkward about trans people

than public bathrooms.

Ah, the bathrooms –

the latest political flash point
for LGBT opponents.

Here’s a fun fact about bathrooms:

more US congressmen have been convicted
of assaulting someone in a public bathroom

than trans people have been.

(Laughter)

The truth is we trans people are so much
more scared of you than you are of us.

It’s a huge point of discussion
in trans communities

about which bathroom
to start using and when,

so we don’t attract attention
that could lead to violence against us.

I personally started using the men’s room

when I started getting confused
and frightened looks in the women’s room,

even though I was petrified
to start going into the men’s room.

And often we opt to just
not go to the bathroom at all.

A 2015 national survey of trans people

found that eight percent of us
had had a urinary tract infection

in the past year

as a result of avoiding restrooms.

These bathroom bills
aren’t protecting anyone.

All they’re doing

is ensuring that when trans people
are assaulted in bathrooms,

the law will no longer be on our side
when we report it.

Being trans means a daily onslaught
of these misconceptions.

And I have it pretty easy.

I am a white, able-bodied guy

sitting nearly at the peak
of privilege mountain.

For non-binary people,

for trans women,

for trans people of color,

it is so much harder.

So I’ve given you a starter pack
of trans knowledge

that I hope will lead
to more learning on your own.

Talk to trans people.

Listen to us.

Amplify our voices.

Take the heat off of us
and educate those around you

so we don’t have to every time.

Maybe someday, when I say,

“Hi, I’m Jack, and I’m transgender,”

the only response I’ll get is,

“Hi, nice to meet you.”

Thank you.

(Applause)