Transforming Trauma Into Resilience and Strength

[Music]

so

do you swear to tell the truth and

nothing but the truth

i swear i stood there on the stand ready

to tell my story

at least that was the idea i had in my

head i am going to get to share my story

right

what happened to me wrong as long as

you’re in a courtroom where you’re asked

to prove that what happened to you is

true

you’re not the main character you’re not

the hero you’re just

a chapter in his book there are five

main characters in the courtroom

the judge who oversees the case the

defendant

him the crown prosecutor whose job is to

prove that beyond a reasonable doubt the

defendant is guilty

defense whose job is to prove that the

defendant is not guilty

and the witness that was me and my job

was to tell the truth

crown began asking me questions

regarding the statements and allegations

i made against the defendant

the more questions asked the more fear

anxiety and panic i could feel

swirling through my body like a tornado

ready to cause destruction

i wasn’t aware i could ask for a break

so i kept going

despite the fact that i was increasingly

getting pushed further outside my window

of tolerance

the window that allows us to gauge where

we are emotionally and how those

emotions may be impacting our nervous

system

and our ability to regulate my body

language began to change

i can no longer make eye contact with

the crowd my head was tilted down as i

was slowly picking off

the light pink nail polish i painted my

nails with that morning

thankfully there was an objection in the

courtroom and i was asked to leave

i stood outside the doors hoping someone

would come but there was no one

i chose to enter the preliminary hearing

portion of trial alone because i figured

that

telling the truth was easy for those who

may be wondering

why would she choose to do this alone

well

the defendant was my stepdad and his

support team was my mom

shame and guilt they coincide with one

another this felt like a secret i needed

to keep

from my friends and from the rest of my

family i didn’t realize how badly i

needed support

until i was standing alone

i was called back in i took a deep

breath and blinked away the tears

starting to form in my eyes

defense would make statements like you

made this up

you manipulated everyone into thinking

it was him you convinced talia to join

in on this elaborate plan

me and my younger sister talia have

always been the closest however

separated by a system we legally were

not allowed to sit in on each other’s

testimonies

let’s take a step back for just a minute

and look at what happened to me in this

courtroom

it’s important to do this because parts

of my story are shared by many survivors

our court system presumes the innocence

of the accused

for survivors that means that our

stories are automatically doubted

the second i stepped into that courtroom

all the responsibility of having to

convince an older

intimidating more educated group of

people

following a centuries-old system of law

fell on my shoulders

i wasn’t prepared for this i didn’t have

a support system to rely on and

as you’ll continue to hear it was very

traumatic

survivors have already suffered enough

trauma telling their stories to the

courts

shouldn’t add to that trauma i was only

11 years old the first time this person

chose to take advantage of the power and

control he carried

standing in that courtroom inside that

witness box it

wasn’t an adult being questioned it was

that little 11 year old girl who

loved hannah montana and playing

grounders in the park

somehow that little girl was being

convinced that her truth wasn’t enough

how could someone make me feel like i

failed at telling my truth

before i could finish testifying that

swirling tornado touched down

i began to cry and couldn’t catch my

breath i left the courtroom and fell to

the ground

i laid there on my side with my knees

tucked into my chest

with my face hidden by my hair don’t

touch me get away is what i would repeat

over and over again until eventually

i just blacked out completely

drama response the most significant one

i have ever

and hope to ever have

i’m telling you about one of the most

difficult moments of my life because

it is only through sharing these stories

that we’re able to counter the shame and

fear that keep survivors silent

survivors lives are changed forever the

moment an abuser chooses to violate them

for me i chose to change my narrative

through reporting

that makes me and my story incredibly

unique because over ninety percent of

sexual assault cases go unreported

fast forward one year post-preliminary

hearing where we were told that enough

evidence had been proven to grant us a

trial

cue anxiety

just thinking of having to testify again

would make me anxious

the thought of that trauma response

would create a fear in me

i could not and would not walk into that

courtroom alone

if you’re ever looking for court support

search court support

it works casa came up first

calgary communities against sexual abuse

i would muster up the courage to call

them explain my complex situation

provide them with a court date and then

magic i was paired with my support

worker less than one week after my

initial call

i met heather my support in all things

trial and feelings

this working relationship would mark the

first time i ever truly felt validated

and believed

she would create a safe place for me to

search for strength and would teach me

how

sitting in the silence would give me an

opportunity to find my voice again

whatever anxiety i’d bring to her we’d

work through it together

she’d educate me on my rights and

explain every relevant detail about

trial

each week a little closer to trial a

little less anxiety with each session

that would pass by

after many delays we would walk back

into that courtroom

but this time was different this time i

would walk in with people who had my

back

when i took the stand again i proved to

myself that i was capable and strong

enough

to transform my drama into resilience

and strength

this is what that looked like i hugged a

teddy bear

picked up a rock closed my eyes

breathed in through my nose counted to

five

exhaled and when i was ready i opened my

eyes

then and only then when i take the

witness box

when i looked up i saw heather and my

best friend amy

my eyes locked with theirs and every

fear every doubt became minimal knowing

that if i left that courtroom in tears

i’d have my girl getting ready to wipe

them away

do you swear to tell the truth and

nothing but the truth

i swear crown began her questioning

nailed it defense defense was my villain

but

i was about to shock her with my

strength when defense began

so did the pounding in my heart my hands

became clammy and my body began to

shiver as if i was freezing when in

reality

it felt like my body was on fire i took

a second to remember all the coping

strategies i’d worked on with heather

i could hear her voice in my head close

your eyes

count to five breathe in through your

nose

exhale feel your body relax

where are your feet are they planted on

the ground

wiggle your toes wiggle your fingers and

when you’re ready

open them i was safe i had heather and

amy right in front of me

ready to celebrate any accomplishment i

would make during this process

when defense spoke i knew the answers to

all her questions and this time

i made a point of making eye contact

with her i fear i was able to get

through during my sessions with heather

i wasn’t going to let her stick me into

a box of vulnerability

my strong response remained throughout

the rest of cross-examination

i remember answering questions so well

that it calls me that it calls defense

to fumble over her words and have to

refer to her paperwork

finally i was released from the stand

what a mic drop that was

i smiled from ear to ear jumping out of

my body

twirling in circles like a little girl

because that’s what i was when this all

began

a little girl i was so empowered and so

proud at all the accomplishments i had

made

i looked to heather wide-eyed and with

the biggest smile no trauma response

that right there was my victory

conquering my biggest fear

facing my biggest villain we went

through a 10-day trial

with ups and downs tears and laughter

and a lot of taco bell

it was messy it was scary and

unpredictable but with a willingness to

see this trial through

we made it i understand that when

hearing stories like mine

we want the outcome to be a guilty

verdict less than three percent of

sexual assault cases are found guilty

and unfortunately

we fell right into that statistic

yes the verdict was not guilty

disappointed

definitely overwhelmed and relieved

of course but the biggest feeling of all

proud

my objective was not a guilty verdict my

objective was to prove to myself that i

was capable and strong enough

to transform my trauma into resilience

and strength

i crushed that trial i transformed every

fear

every doubt every anxiety all that

trauma

into resilience and strength

my story changed when i found support

when i learned techniques and tools to

get me through a court experience

when i was validated listened to and

believed

but none of that would have happened if

i hadn’t taken the steps to make it

happen

none of that would have happened if i

hadn’t advocated for myself

so where do we go from here your journey

and your story will look different than

mine

however as survivors we will always have

one thing in common

no matter what anyone says or things

you’re the hero

now all you have to do is find your

sidekicks they’ll have your back and

they’ll empower you through it all

this is your story you decide how it

ends not a system

or a piece of paper not a judge or a

defense lawyer

and when it comes to that villain

whoever or whatever it is

you got this close your eyes and when

you open them

get ready to conquer i was told by

someone i admire

rupa to always tell my truth to use my

voice because it is loud fierce and

powerful

with her inspiration i now pass this

advice along to you

be brave be bold and be loud just

don’t be silenced