Do we choose the experience our trauma teaches us

my trauma

is bigger than yours

according to the english dictionary

trauma is defined as a distressing

or disturbing experience that happens to

an

individual or a community

with that definition it’s reasonable to

assume

that most if not all of us

will experience trauma at some point

in our lives yet

it remains the biggest elephant in the

room

in our homes and in our communities

most of us are roaming this earth with

unresolved trauma resembling scenes from

the hit series

the walk-in dead

during my awakening which really means i

was going through a crisis

i attended a number of personal

development workshops and seminars

as you do i attended this one seminar

where a number of people

took to the stage to share their life

experiences

this one gentleman who appeared to look

in his 40s took to the stage

initially he appeared timid and

vulnerable

i was in awe of his courage

to share an incident that happened to

him in kindergarten

it was take your pet to school day and

he had decided to take his goldfish

that was happily swimming in a glass

bowl

he was so excited to talk about it to

his classmates

as he stood in line ready to go into the

classroom

the school bully walked up

looked at him and smacked the ball

out of his hand causing it to fall to

the ground

crash and sadly his fish died

on that day unable to save his pet

that little boy decided that

he was not enough

as i listened to his story i found

myself getting emotional

and i rarely do i was so sad that that

little boy at

age five or six years old made the

decision

that he wasn’t enough

as the man sobbed on the stage he

explained that as a result of that

incident he had become closed off in

most of his relationships

so much so his marriage was suffering

and was on the brink of divorce i

remember thinking

wow and i thought that my trauma

was bigger than everyone else’s

the father of semantic therapy peter

levine says

that trauma resides in the body more

than anywhere else

regardless of our traumatic incidences

most of us are operating from a fight

flight or freeze response meaning

we are not living in the now the time

that truly counts one person’s trauma

does not outweigh the other it is how we

choose to respond to it

that truly counts

according to the national council for

behavioral health

70 of adults have experienced

at least one traumatic event in their

life

70 percent of adults

why don’t we talk about this do we fear

that in speaking up

we will be shamed or ignored when in

reality

all we want is the space for us to be

heard

and to heal

my auntie would often giggle

when she said the words uncle’s favorite

girl

these words would make me freeze dead

in my tracks whilst playing with my

siblings in sunny hut nigeria

for these words meant that my uncle was

in town

he lived in a different state and when

he was over he would stay with us

and typically sleep in the spare room

i was around seven or eight years old

when uncle would call me into his room

here he would abuse his power

his sexual power over me

causing me to lose mine

that event took away my voice

i literally couldn’t speak

and when i tried to at that age

i just wasn’t heard

fast forward to 2012

i’m now in london england and i hear my

uncle is around i’m now in my

30s i am more confident in who i

am yet the thoughts of him and i being

on the same

continent made my body tense

i later find out that uncle is looking

after a young girl

in the family i froze

and i heard a voice my higher self

say this is why you speak this is why

you use your voice

because in doing so you get to free

others

we all have a story and based on the

stats

most of us will experience a distressing

or disturbing event

for some it might be a one-time event

known as shock trauma

for others it might be more complex

trauma that

sees itself play on repeats in our lives

most of us are trying to avoid the

disturbing conversation around trauma

and that’s because it forces us to get

comfortable

with being uncomfortable

i want us to explore an idea

what if we have a choice

in how we respond to our traumatic

events

what if we make the choice to transform

our trauma as opposed to transfer it

especially to future generations

when i reflect on my traumatic event

i make the conscious choice to ask

self-empowering questions

as opposed to self-blame

we can no longer thrive with a victim

mentality

but we can collectively transmute

our pain to power and be the catalyst

for change that the world so

desperately needs

what if we could take our power back

just by acknowledging what we went

through

with the view that it could serve

humanity

could we view the world differently then

could we be kinder

to ourselves and each other

having our trauma serve us and others is

not a new

or novel idea there are people who have

come before

us and some still with us today who made

the choice to transform

their trauma and as a result of their

transformation

they have contributed to the world in

tremendous ways

ways in which we need more of us to do

today

nelson mandela without his decades of

confinement he wouldn’t have crafted

those words he’s so

eloquently shared with the world rosa

parks

without her audacity of hope

and use of her voice i may still have to

sit at the back of the bus

george floyd without the sad loss of his

life

the world may not have been triggered to

open its eyes

and use its collective voice for change

that little boy who lost his goldfish

his trauma is no smaller

or bigger than mine for the body keeps

the score and our priority must be to

resolve

our trauma so we can unearth the gifts

we have to give to the world

here are three steps for transmuting

pain to power

first acknowledge your trauma

and use your voice to release the power

it holds over you

and others second

awaken to the possibilities

on different perspectives for healing

third transform by asking yourself the

question

what lesson can i learn from this

experience

then go out there and be the change you

wish to see in the world

what if resolving our

greatest tragedy our deepest

suffering ends up being the greatest

gift to humanity

and what if we did it with compassion

can we face our trauma then in a new way

we may not be responsible for our trauma

but let’s empower ourselves to be

responsible

for the healing of it

you