Do we choose the experience our trauma teaches us
my trauma
is bigger than yours
according to the english dictionary
trauma is defined as a distressing
or disturbing experience that happens to
an
individual or a community
with that definition it’s reasonable to
assume
that most if not all of us
will experience trauma at some point
in our lives yet
it remains the biggest elephant in the
room
in our homes and in our communities
most of us are roaming this earth with
unresolved trauma resembling scenes from
the hit series
the walk-in dead
during my awakening which really means i
was going through a crisis
i attended a number of personal
development workshops and seminars
as you do i attended this one seminar
where a number of people
took to the stage to share their life
experiences
this one gentleman who appeared to look
in his 40s took to the stage
initially he appeared timid and
vulnerable
i was in awe of his courage
to share an incident that happened to
him in kindergarten
it was take your pet to school day and
he had decided to take his goldfish
that was happily swimming in a glass
bowl
he was so excited to talk about it to
his classmates
as he stood in line ready to go into the
classroom
the school bully walked up
looked at him and smacked the ball
out of his hand causing it to fall to
the ground
crash and sadly his fish died
on that day unable to save his pet
that little boy decided that
he was not enough
as i listened to his story i found
myself getting emotional
and i rarely do i was so sad that that
little boy at
age five or six years old made the
decision
that he wasn’t enough
as the man sobbed on the stage he
explained that as a result of that
incident he had become closed off in
most of his relationships
so much so his marriage was suffering
and was on the brink of divorce i
remember thinking
wow and i thought that my trauma
was bigger than everyone else’s
the father of semantic therapy peter
levine says
that trauma resides in the body more
than anywhere else
regardless of our traumatic incidences
most of us are operating from a fight
flight or freeze response meaning
we are not living in the now the time
that truly counts one person’s trauma
does not outweigh the other it is how we
choose to respond to it
that truly counts
according to the national council for
behavioral health
70 of adults have experienced
at least one traumatic event in their
life
70 percent of adults
why don’t we talk about this do we fear
that in speaking up
we will be shamed or ignored when in
reality
all we want is the space for us to be
heard
and to heal
my auntie would often giggle
when she said the words uncle’s favorite
girl
these words would make me freeze dead
in my tracks whilst playing with my
siblings in sunny hut nigeria
for these words meant that my uncle was
in town
he lived in a different state and when
he was over he would stay with us
and typically sleep in the spare room
i was around seven or eight years old
when uncle would call me into his room
here he would abuse his power
his sexual power over me
causing me to lose mine
that event took away my voice
i literally couldn’t speak
and when i tried to at that age
i just wasn’t heard
fast forward to 2012
i’m now in london england and i hear my
uncle is around i’m now in my
30s i am more confident in who i
am yet the thoughts of him and i being
on the same
continent made my body tense
i later find out that uncle is looking
after a young girl
in the family i froze
and i heard a voice my higher self
say this is why you speak this is why
you use your voice
because in doing so you get to free
others
we all have a story and based on the
stats
most of us will experience a distressing
or disturbing event
for some it might be a one-time event
known as shock trauma
for others it might be more complex
trauma that
sees itself play on repeats in our lives
most of us are trying to avoid the
disturbing conversation around trauma
and that’s because it forces us to get
comfortable
with being uncomfortable
i want us to explore an idea
what if we have a choice
in how we respond to our traumatic
events
what if we make the choice to transform
our trauma as opposed to transfer it
especially to future generations
when i reflect on my traumatic event
i make the conscious choice to ask
self-empowering questions
as opposed to self-blame
we can no longer thrive with a victim
mentality
but we can collectively transmute
our pain to power and be the catalyst
for change that the world so
desperately needs
what if we could take our power back
just by acknowledging what we went
through
with the view that it could serve
humanity
could we view the world differently then
could we be kinder
to ourselves and each other
having our trauma serve us and others is
not a new
or novel idea there are people who have
come before
us and some still with us today who made
the choice to transform
their trauma and as a result of their
transformation
they have contributed to the world in
tremendous ways
ways in which we need more of us to do
today
nelson mandela without his decades of
confinement he wouldn’t have crafted
those words he’s so
eloquently shared with the world rosa
parks
without her audacity of hope
and use of her voice i may still have to
sit at the back of the bus
george floyd without the sad loss of his
life
the world may not have been triggered to
open its eyes
and use its collective voice for change
that little boy who lost his goldfish
his trauma is no smaller
or bigger than mine for the body keeps
the score and our priority must be to
resolve
our trauma so we can unearth the gifts
we have to give to the world
here are three steps for transmuting
pain to power
first acknowledge your trauma
and use your voice to release the power
it holds over you
and others second
awaken to the possibilities
on different perspectives for healing
third transform by asking yourself the
question
what lesson can i learn from this
experience
then go out there and be the change you
wish to see in the world
what if resolving our
greatest tragedy our deepest
suffering ends up being the greatest
gift to humanity
and what if we did it with compassion
can we face our trauma then in a new way
we may not be responsible for our trauma
but let’s empower ourselves to be
responsible
for the healing of it
you