Balancing the value of character and great brows

[Applause]

the set

ideal of beauty changes

depending on where you live when you

live even your age

trends and perceptions change the

traditional concepts of beauty

have been historically inconsistent

in the 1800s the ideal was having the

fairest palest skin

this is transformed to having a

sun-kissed bronze glow

another example in just a decade we’ve

gone from an ideal of plucked

pencil-thin eyebrows of the 2000s to a

polar opposite trend

of big fluffy brows it’s no surprise

that it’s hard to follow these trends

and yet we can each spend hours studying

our reflections

and trying to match the ever-changing

ideal think about what you do

when you walk up to a mirror do you scan

analyze pick yourself apart wondering if

you match up with the current beauty

trends

if you look beautiful why is it that we

can only see

flaws in that mirror all of us know we

should be nicer to ourselves

and yet this doesn’t change much we

would never

criticize another person like we do

ourselves

and no this isn’t because every other

person we come in contact with

is some perfect 10 on a subjective scale

of attractiveness

it comes down to this simple truth we

really don’t care that much

what other people look like

think about it what’s the most beautiful

thing

about your mother what about your

grandmother

oh wait just a second were you about to

pull out a picture from a few decades

ago

and highlight their perfectly on trend

permed hair

and blue eyeshadow oh maybe not

but were you about to highlight their

wrinkle-free skin

or their small waistline of course not

because this isn’t what matters most to

you it isn’t what you find

most beautiful we are far more impacted

by a mother’s kindness

and a sister’s forgiveness it isn’t her

flawless complexion

that makes an impression this is the

type of beauty

that lasts and resonates far more than

perfect eyebrows

or the latest cultural idea of a perfect

size and a perfect

shape this is the beauty that we care so

much more about

in the people around us so then why is

it

that we can’t impress upon ourselves it

isn’t our looks that matter

that others do care so much more about

our kindness and our generosity

about our empathy and our compassion

this isn’t a new issue it isn’t a new

question

why do we place our own perception of

our appearance

so much higher on our list of critiques

why can’t we connect our perception of

ourselves and others around us

this double standard is deceiving

this disconnect between what we judge

important in ourselves and others around

us

is incredibly harmful by the age of 13

53 of american girls are unhappy with

their bodies

this number grows to 78 by the time

these girls reach 17.

and this isn’t just a teenage issue

little girls as young as five

talk about needing to go on a diet

because they are fat

a recent study asked women in their 60s

are you happy with your body

and 68 percent of women said no

from our mothers to our grandmothers

to our aunts and our sisters and our

friends

this is a horrific beauty trend that

persists throughout the ages

seven in ten girls believe that they are

not good enough or that they do not

measure up in some way

they don’t measure up because they’re

holding themselves to a standard

they can’t recognize is impossible

and these aren’t just statistics these

are real people

meet my best friend mirabella is one of

the kindest people that i know

she is understanding and compassionate

adventurous

and hilarious she has a ray of sunshine

to every single person that she meets

and yet for a long time she struggled

with feeling she was even worth talking

to

when mirabella was 12 she had the

chickenpox for an agonizing two weeks

she was covered in red

itchy pock marks these marks scarred her

face

long after the virus disappeared this

event had devastating consequences for

mirabella

day after day she would study her

reflection in the mirror

and criticize her face but not only did

she decide she wasn’t beautiful

she decided that she just wasn’t enough

my best friend thought that because she

didn’t have a perfect complexion

somehow that meant she wasn’t worth

talking to

she tied the entirety of her worth into

her perception of herself

she thought that in order to have people

love her and want to be around her

that she would have to hide the scarring

on her face under layers of foundation

and concealer and mascara she says it

that way because she’s from australia

now i was best friends with mirabella

throughout all of this

but i had no idea the mental and the

emotional struggle

her self-image was going through

i was clueless to the months of anxiety

the months of depression the months of

suicidal thoughts

all because she was convinced she wasn’t

beautiful

mirabella truly began to believe that

unless other people saw her as beautiful

that they wouldn’t care about her that

if she didn’t have a perfect complexion

that other people would just discard her

if she couldn’t be beautiful

she was worthless

this is my best friend the person that i

see is beautiful

for so much more than her face if you

were to ask me

if i thought this person was worth

talking to

worth caring about worth loving

i think the answer would be pretty clear

can list attributes and stories for

hours about what makes mirabella

beautiful

stories of her selflessness and her

bravery

of her compassion and her understanding

but none of that actually mattered when

she couldn’t see or

believe it for herself she struggled

alone

and couldn’t recognize what other people

were really seeing in her

and this isn’t just a story about

mirabella

would you ever want your best friend

your mother or your sisters to hold

themselves

by such toxic meaningless standards

of course not and yet we all do this to

ourselves

we hold ourselves to standards that we

don’t want to live by it’s exhausting

but what can we do to change it

mexican-american actress salma hayek

once said

people often say that beauty is in the

eye of the beholder

and i say one of the most liberating

things about beauty

is realizing you are the beholder

in between a sunrise and a sunset is a

wonderful world

full of beautiful places and things and

people

to behold recognize and give weight to

what you were beholding

you have the power to decide where you

will place your emphasis

what is it that you truly value

what type of beauty do you care about

yes

it is possible to value compassionate

generosity

and still want your eyebrows to be on

point

of course you can adore blue eyes

without being a shallow person

what type of beauty do you value

when you recognize what beauty you value

you can choose to give it weight

and you can emphasize what you are

beholding

because i want to live in a world where

my best friend knows i appreciate her

selfless service

so much more than a perfect complexion

i want to live in a world where my

grandmother knows that there is so much

more that i care about

than a wrinkle-free face when we

recognize what we behold

we can help our best friends to know

their worth and we can help our

grandmothers

to feel appreciated we can begin to

close the disconnect

between how we view ourselves and how we

view the people around us

how will that change the next time you

face yourself

in this mirror in the ways that you

interact with the people around you

in the ways they view themselves in the

way you view yourself

what are you going to behold

thank you

you