The Value of Not Waking Up

if you were to ask me a few months back

to describe how my life was going in one

quote from musical theater

as an avid fan of the theater arts i

could probably spit out dozens of

inspirational quotes like

even the darkest night will end and the

sun will rise

les mis or when you’re broken on the

ground

you will be found dear evan hansen but

it would ultimately come down to one

quote that i feel is the true

representation

of my experiences as a high school

senior in december

it’s all college applications and doctor

who quotations

mean girls the musical now despite the

fact that i’ve never once watched doctor

who in my life

i could replace that name with any

fandom that has helped me through some

difficult periods

but as relatable as this quote from mean

girls is

it’s actually used to describe the most

unrelatable group in all of north shore

high

the tragically socially cursed

mathletes in fact if we finish the quote

that i cited earlier it reads

it’s all college applications and doctor

who quotations

they wear their awkwardness with

stubborn pride

why do we always assume that the geeks

of our society have no

social or real world skills now

i recognize that mean girls is the

epitome of stereotypes

and that every living soul at north

shore high is a perfectly molded

archetype

but this pattern has been going on since

the dawn of modern media for teens

whether that be in literature and movies

in musicals or

on disney channel i love

early 2000s and 2010’s disney channel

and the blissful nostalgia

that it brings me but as i was watching

the disney channel original movie

geek charming a few months back for the

first time in about

four years it dawned on me that the pop

culture

textbook definition of a nerd was once

again being force-fed to me

in the movie a sci-fi film superfan is

confined to the miserable corner of the

lunchroom with a group of social

outcasts

until he decides to make a movie about

the school’s popular girl

suddenly lo and behold as if she were

his angelic savior

he seems socially capable and several

times more confident

but real world nerds are the true

saviors

they are the creators of the things we

couldn’t even imagine living without

today

martin cooper who oversaw the production

of the first mobile phone in the 1970s

has credited the star trek communicator

with inspiring his life-altering

invention

simon lake was inspired by the work of

jouel veron in 20 000 leagues under the

sea

to create his own submarine the argonaut

where would these groundbreaking

inventors be without the works of

fiction that created a spark in them

where would they be without their sense

that the impossible

is possible where would they be without

their sense of

unreality without their sense their

imaginations are the source

of what eventually becomes reality

where would they be if they weren’t so

caught up

in fictional delusions of what doesn’t

yet exist

now i digress and i understand that not

all those who immerse themselves in

fiction

are going to become trailblazing

inventors

but there is another fallacy that needs

to be addressed besides that of the

incompetent nerd

and that is the assumption that those

who indulge in fiction

are escaping their real world problems

choosing to live in fantasy rather than

ground themselves in reality

but what if we could use fiction and

self-projection onto fictional

characters

to face our most difficult challenges

head-on

and with more strength and bravery than

we could possibly muster on our own

we can learn so much about ourselves

through the intimate observation we get

to do a fictional characters

i’ve been lucky enough to witness this

firsthand

i’ve been struggling with anxiety and

panic disorder stemming from

perfectionism and imposter syndrome

since the beginning of 10th grade

imposter syndrome involves the inability

of a person to recognize their own

accomplishments

but at the same time the belief that

their accomplishments are what determine

their worth

and that life will fall apart if they

don’t continue to perform

optimally all the time

this type of thinking if left untreated

can lead to depression and burnout

both of which i still struggle with on a

day-to-day basis

but i’m learning to cope and one

unexpected individual is helping me to

do just that

around august of this past year in the

midst of a global pandemic and a severe

mental trough

i discovered detroit become human a

story driven choose your own adventure

video game

that is set in a futuristic world where

androids accompany humans in their

everyday tasks

condemned to lives of slavery

mysteriously increasing number of

androids have been going deviant

or becoming sentient gaining the ability

to make their own choices and feel

emotions

it’s really quite fascinating now i

really don’t play video games at all

my friends can attest to the fact that i

can’t do minecraft for the life of me

but the intricate world the story

created and the various directions in

which the story could go

were so intriguing to me

i spent hours watching playthroughs as

though the gamer movie

now before i go on just a quick

disclaimer

i’m going to be talking about a game

character in generalities without

getting into too many specifics

but if you haven’t yet played the game

and you want to be super duped for

extra surprise i suggest you tune out

for a few minutes

now back to our regularly scheduled ted

talk as i was watching the game play out

i was particularly drawn to a handsome

fellow with a few strange habits

conor an android himself is an

investigator and assassin programmed to

hunt the deviants that claim to feel

emotions

as i watched conor go through his

missions i noticed several peculiarities

about him

he has nervous ticks that an android

really shouldn’t have such as playing

with the coin he always carries around

his coat sleeves or his tie

but it wasn’t until conor entered his

mind palace

the virtual world literally inside his

head

that i realized that connor’s story

mirrors that of a person with anxiety

and imposter syndrome

connor is under constant supervision by

a superior artificial intelligence named

amanda that resides within his headspace

she seems to provide some semblance of

comfort for conor

half-heartedly congratulating him when

he performs up to par and checking in

with him every so often about his

missions

but even her congratulatory words are

laced with the sinister poison of

you could have done better amanda feeds

off of and rewards self-deprecating

comments

she scorns conor whenever he expresses

curiosity

and questions why he has to do the

things she is telling him to do

she persistently reminds him that he is

nothing apart from a tool for his

superiors

and that there will be chaos for the

entire city if he doesn’t complete his

mission and obey his orders completely

without question on top of the fact

that he himself will be terminated

and i’m watching this thinking huh a

voice in your head that provides a false

sense of security and validation while

also constantly reminding you that

you’re nothing but the sum of your

accomplishments and that you will die if

you don’t do everything it

asks you to all the time without

question

that sounds awfully familiar

sounds an awful lot like the internal

monologue that runs through my head when

i’m panicking because

if i don’t get a perfect score on this

test my teacher will be disappointed in

me

my gpa will be cursed for the rest of

the year i won’t get into a good college

and there will

be chaos

now depending on how you choose to play

conor he can adopt a variety of

dispositions and make a multitude of

decisions

but it ultimately comes down to whether

or not he chooses to listen to the voice

in his head

if he listens to the voice obeying its

every order

being amanda’s perfect little slave he

ends up being replaced and sent to his

death

but if he chooses to be strong

defying the voice doing what is right

despite how difficult that is for him in

navigating through the literal blizzard

of doubts and feelings of inadequacy in

his own mind

he ends up not only with his life but

also with

a meaningful relationship

that’s something i picked up on too

having the capacity to choose this path

for conor essentially requires having a

positive relationship

with another individual who questions

his machine-ness

and who just happens to be a very in

connor’s own words

hard-boiled police lieutenant named hank

anderson

just like a person struggling with a

mental illness conor requires a support

system to remind him that he is more

than the voice in his head

that he is human and not just a machine

built to be perfect

all the time conor loses this

relationship if he prioritizes his

mission

that’s what really sold it for me in the

most spectacular

sci-fi way conor parallels a person

with anxiety and imposter syndrome he’s

similar to me in a lot of ways

and not just because we both look really

good in a tie although

that is clearly also true

ironically conor the android is far more

human than any of the walking talking

mannequins in mean girls or geek

charming

he has real flaws real doubts and he

encounters real mental struggles that

are solved by more

than just meeting the popular kid at

school

he is forced to look within himself to

find the answers to his questions

when all amanda will tell him is do what

i’m telling you to do

he is forced to distinguish his voice

from that of amanda

and recognize that one of them is

speaking his own truth

and the other is feeding him lies and

insecurities about a completely

unattainable perfection

watching connor’s story has helped me to

put my everyday issues into perspective

and examine not only the short-term

consequences of

not being perfect that my panic-ridden

brain tends to focus on

but also the longer-term more grave

consequences

of constantly expecting to be perfect

conor is a self-projection he’s a cool

and attractive character and it’s good

fun for me to follow his storyline

it has also helped me to realize that

there are things we miss out on in life

like relationships with other people

when we pour

all our focus into trying to be perfect

throughout 10th and 11th grade i didn’t

try to stop my panic spirals because i

thought that worry

would push me toward action which would

push me towards success

that was never the case recently though

i’ve adopted a new outlook on panic

attacks and intrusive thoughts

and now i’ve been working on stopping

them using sensory exercises

because i understand now that

extreme perfection isn’t sustainable

so maybe it’s time we erase the

assumption that

immersing ourselves in fictional

universes and projecting ourselves onto

fictional characters

is a simple form of escapism

find a fictional being that reminds you

of yourself whether in positive or

negative ways

if you haven’t found them yet keep

looking

they’re out there i guarantee you that

there is something you can illuminate

about yourself

or about your relationships with others

or about your mental well-being

just through painless observation of

said character

and i guarantee you that there is

something you can improve about your

life

even disregarding the self-reformational

benefits

of engaging with fictional characters

and universes

fiction breathes life into the mundane

aspects of everyday tasks

and brings us joy

listening to movie soundtracks makes

doing your chemistry homework

feel like saving the world or at least

building the foundations of a world

savior plan

it makes doing your laundry feel as

though you’re doing chores for the king

of agrabah

it makes walking through a city feel

powerful

like you are not only fighting to

survive a dystopian world

but thriving why not feel like this

why suffer through your everyday tasks

with dread rather than

being both effective and content in

favor of not feeling silly

who’s judging you when you’re alone

inside your own headspace

that elated feeling that we get walking

out of a movie theater

that feeling like we can do anything

like we

are the main character and we are

important

can be applied to any and all aspects of

our lives

now i’m not saying that we should be

selfish and perceive ourselves as the

center of the universe

because that’s simply not true what i’m

saying is that each of us matters

and that each of us has the opportunity

to make a difference in the world in one

way or another

imagine what we could do if we did feel

as vital as a movie character

as though what we did always affected

others because it does

we can lead with kindness and bravery

we can make sacrifices for others we can

inspire others

we are not so different from our

favorite fictional characters after all

it’s time to stop the stigma against

loving fiction as an adult

and stop the assumption that as soon as

we hit high school

our fantastical dreams are supposed to

start fading away

engaging with fiction could be the key

to a life filled with innovation

satisfaction vigor for everyday

occurrences a healthy cycle of

self-improvement

and good mental health

you can have your happy ending without

completely waking up

from your wildest dreams

so maybe it’s time that we hold on to

our dreams

in hits news for just

a little while longer if only to remind

ourselves

that we are the magical powerful beings

of our own stories thank you for your

time