Finding your voice in adversity

so

when was the last time you spoke up

a little black girl stands in the corner

of a playground

head hung low fidgeting

with the zipper in her coat lost in

thought

no one looks at her no one plays with

her

her mother her concerned mother

watches her through the school gates

i was that little black girl

and that woman was my mother

i was an extremely shy child

but you wouldn’t believe it now because

i don’t shut up

but in class i would sit hunched at my

desk trying to be invisible

i was so shy i couldn’t speak to anyone

in my class

i had no friends i was alone

whenever the teacher asked me a question

i would stay silent

even though i knew the answer to the

questions

i had a voice yes i had a voice

inside my head but i couldn’t

use it and i didn’t understand

why

at home i felt safe with my family i was

always performing

singing dancing and just having a laugh

my mom could see this but she grew

worried because

at school i was a completely different

person

i can still hear her concerned voice in

the back of my head

why are you not like this at school why

are you not talking

why are you so quiet what is wrong

back then i was struggling

with my identity

so there i was the little black girl

the only little black girl

looking around the classroom but all the

faces

the same faces

but there’s no one like me

my mom signed me up to a drama class

hoping it would bring me out of my shell

of course she knew behind closed doors

her child had a lot

to say the first few months was a real

struggle

opening up and connecting with the other

children

the biggest challenge was when i had to

sing

in front of an audience

i stepped onto the stage

heart pounding hands shaking

i stare into the audience a sea

of eyes stare back i don’t see

any familiar faces in my family here

i’m bricking it up here i thought i’d

feel like mel b

you know scary spies from the spy

skittles well she was meant to be the

fearless one

how wrong was i my heart

pounds faster so i look up but the

lights are blinding

i close my eyes all i’m thinking

is am i good enough

how am i going to do this what if they

laugh at me

the audience is silent

the pianist begins to play the intro to

my song

but i go completely blank i can’t seem

to remember the words to the song

the fear is here and it is real and i

am scared so scared i just

want to disappear but the pianist is

playing the intro

again and again and again

then

[Music]

something

takes over me

i feel like i’m standing outside of my

body

but inside i’m a mess

but i have to make a decision

i take a deep breath

and i

don’t need you to love me

i don’t need you

to love

i got i

got

what just happened i open my eyes

and sing to the audience growing

confident

every second singing louder than i’ve

ever sung before

i am finally using my voice and i

am loving it

this moment defined my childhood

i conquered my fears and i

found my voice

so here i am today a daughter

sister friend a confident and empowered

tall black women no longer a little

black girl

who has found her voice

i’m an actor producer and filmmaker

i’ve worked in the industry for over 12

years now

recently appearing in the bafta

nominated television series guilt

and the bafta winning primetime series

the cry

i have worked in theaters across britain

with olivier and tony award-winning

directors

i’ve spoken at panels on events on

podcasts

been featured in national newspapers

magazines and on radio

but today what i’m most proud of is

being the co-founder

of my film production company called

lucid dreamers productions

working alongside my beautiful and

talented sister mariah akandi

together we create international content

and tell diverse stories from a fresh

perspective the stories we create

give a voice to the people of color from

the past

and present who need to be acknowledged

and celebrated

today i’m using my voice to speak up

about why education is key to tackling

racism in scotland

and the uk and why it affects people of

color working within the film

and television industry

as an adult i can still get scared

using my voice to talk about the issues

that matter to me

because of the consequences i may face

i am overcoming those fears

i’m learning to speak my truth every day

and be part of the solution

fear doesn’t discriminate it affects

us all and it manifests itself

in different ways

i fear being a fearless

black woman in 2020

i fear being put down and silenced

if i speak up

but if i don’t speak up and stand up for

what i

believe in then who am i

if i could go back and give my younger

self any advice

is speak up

speak your truth when it matters to you

when you witness something that you

strongly disagree with

and about the issues that are important

to you

i really struggled to do this early on

in life

but now i know how powerful a tool using

your voice can be

but it takes practice and courage

my mom is my rock

without her i wouldn’t be standing on

this stage

today she’s played a huge role

in shaping how i think and how i

navigate the world

life is so simple if only we make it

simple she tells me this whenever i

worry about the future or if i’m

struggling with making important

decisions in my life

in the early 80s my mom left nigeria and

traveled to the uk

to start a new life with my dad

it was a very turbulent time

she was very vocal and was never afraid

to speak up when she was being

disrespected for simply

being a black woman but she did it

with absolute grace

my mum’s only five foot tall by the way

but she was always much taller to me

i don’t know how she squeezed me out

[Music]

but she managed to overcome many

obstacles

and challenges whilst facing adversity

and she did it

fearlessly and as the years go by

i find myself becoming more and more

like her

for example i’m not fearful of doing

things like

asking for a promotion at work it’s

probably the

scottish and nigerian blood that runs

deep in my veins

we’ve got a go-getter attitude to life

however i do understand how others might

see

doing something like this is terrifying

i understand there’s a real fear of

being seen as confrontational

if you speak up and ask for what you

deserve so

what i believe is fear of failing

is what stops us being fearless

i believe being fearless has everything

to do with the human mind and

how we think of course our social

cultural and religious backgrounds all

play a huge role in

programming our minds and telling us

what we can and can’t

do it takes a lot of strength

real strength to do the things that

scare or challenge us

i said it before it doesn’t happen

overnight

it takes practice courage and a positive

mindset

the brain is a muscle so if we can keep

retraining the mind

then over time like an athlete

it just becomes second nature

so why conform challenge yourself

do something out of the ordinary and go

against the grain that society has

already mapped out for you

now in all honesty if i had to choose

three words

to describe myself fearless probably

isn’t the first word that springs to

mind in fact when i was invited to be a

part of tedx cumbernauld women

and was told the theme this year would

be fearless but

initially i was flattered and surprised

which

quickly turned to confusion then the

confusion turned to me being downright

terrified when it finally dawned on me

the magnitude

of the task i was being asked to do

basically i was suffering from imposter

syndrome

and that dreaded fear of failing

i didn’t say yes right away

i had to go away and think about taking

part

but deep down if i was being really

honest with myself

i knew telling myself i was busy was

just an excuse to finding a way out of

taking part in this

amazing conference

i sat myself down and reflected

this is an incredible opportunity

why are you doubting yourself just do it

just go for it just go for it

i’ve spent a long time growing

spirit spiritually personally and

professionally

i don’t like dwelling in the past i’ve

always been a true believer in staying

in the present so i admit

i’ve often forgotten the important

pivotal moments that

have changed me and shaped me into the

woman i am today

and what i begun to realise while

preparing this speech is

at the core of every obstacle i’ve ever

had to overcome i wouldn’t have been

able to get there without being exactly

what the theme of this conference is

about

fearless

so i ask you are you

ready to speak up

you