A Box of Letters Left Behind Impacts Many Women..Why

[Music]

[Applause]

august 5

2002 it’s about 9 30 p.m and you’re at

one of your fantasy football drafts with

your friends

well i always told myself if i had a

reoccurrence

i would start writing right away i had

to wait for my second reoccurrence to do

so

i guess for the first one i really

thought i might make it forever

with this one i don’t there are so many

things i want

and need to tell you this is part of a

letter

it’s also a gift left behind by my late

wife

to be read later after she died in 2007.

karen was diagnosed with breast cancer

at the ripe old age of 30

when our kids were almost one and three

she died at age 40 but she packed a lot

of life

and giving in that last decade in fact

it’s a give first

attitude that inspired the karen

wellington foundation for living with

breast cancer

we never set out to form a foundation

she came home to chemo

one day and said you know wouldn’t it be

cool

if once we beat cancer we could go on

vacation each year

and send someone the chemo cheers next

to me well we never were able to do that

while she’s alive

but we’re doing it now the day she died

the folks at hospital

asked us where flowers should go flowers

we thought

we can do better than that so we put

together a fund

and committed to sending one woman

living with breast cancer

on vacation and we did that

and we’ve continued to do that 13 years

later

thanks to the hand of god and hard work

of

many others particularly women this year

we will

do our one thousandth gift of fun one

thousand vacations spa

days bruce springsteen concerts in

chicago

fun for some women who don’t have a lot

of fun on the calendar

30 of our vacations are last vacations

like pam’s pam had given up

panic stop treatment but thanks to the

generosity of one of our vacation

home donors pam reluctantly agreed to

take a last vacation

to scottsdale arizona the way karen’s

foundation works is we ask people who

have a vacation home

or time share to give us a week a year

of their vacation home

and we connect the two as an example

we’ll call them vic and rita because

that’s their name

give us their vacation home four or five

weeks a year

and vic puts it best vic said at his

son’s wedding

when he gave the toast he said i used to

think happiness was having a vacation

home

that i can use whenever i wanted but i

was wrong

then i thought happiness was having a

vacation home that my family could use

whenever i wanted but i was wrong then

too

then i met this crazy foundation and i

now get my vacation home to women and

families

living with breast cancer many of whom i

don’t even know

now i have found true happiness that

friends is give first

when pam and her husband arrived in

arizona they bumped into a police

officer

he learned their story and he traveled

with them

to the resort when he was done

he turned around and said you know i’m

not working next week

i’m going to be your personal driver we

didn’t plan it

we just gave first we dropped that first

pebble in the water

and watched the goodness ripple from

there

an amazing thing happened when pam

returned from vacation

she started treatment again and although

we lost pam that next year she died in a

very

different place than when she was before

that vacation

thanks in part to the kindness of a

police officer

who recognized the value of give first

get first is a simple mantra it also

works

it first cuts through all the negativity

and all the crap

it’s also the great paradox of life the

more we give

the richer our lives it’s not the more

we give the more we get

that misses the point entirely that

misses

the magic it’s why when our vacation

recipients

return they are never more alive

than when they take off the victim’s hat

and put on the giver’s hat

to nominate someone in the chemotherapy

chairs next

to them karen’s foundation is more of an

attitude than a foundation it’s a grand

experiment

for example our goal every year is to

grow revenue

by 15 percent and grow

giving by twenty percent don’t add up

the math does not work unless you

believe

in the power of give first

get first is also a concept that is

really best

focused on big picture items

it’s not a photo op it’s not a box to be

checked

but in many respects it all started with

a simple

box three months after karen died

our 10 year old daughter angeline

emerged from the scary part of the

basement

a place she didn’t like to go and to

this day we still do not

know what she was doing down there

particularly at night

with a box of 40 letters

from her mother each of them sealed

with specific instructions on when to be

opened for robbie on your 13th birthday

for angeline on your 40th birthday

each of the letters contain the perfect

words for her kids to read

decades later my kids have 12 letters

left

with the last one to be opened in the

year 2047.

i opened my last letter a couple years

ago on my 50th birthday

it was more of a thank you letter which

was good because i sometimes struggled

with whether i had done enough

for karen while she was alive this

letter like the previous ones answered

yes you did

and thank you the letters are difficult

to read

but they’re also inspiring

fortunately the letter also

said i want you to be happy and i’m

pleased to report that last week i got

engaged

to a loving kind very talented

giving of course woman who my next ted

talk is going to be about

because we’re going to have some fun and

we’re going to do some great things

together

let me leave you with an example of give

first i could give you hundreds but

let’s focus

on the little girl who found the box

when she was in her last year of high

school it came time

for senior night for her field hockey

team senior night

of course is a night about the seniors

except these seniors had something else

in mind

you see angeline had nominated the

school custodian

for a vacation from her mother’s

foundation

because his wife was living with breast

cancer

we fast-tracked that nomination through

and got the principal in on the act the

principal called and said to the

custodian hey

i don’t know what’s going on tonight all

the kids seem to be coming out

for this field hockey game would you and

your wife mind

coming and helping us clean up

well as it turns out senior night

was not about the seniors at all no

senior night was a celebration of a

school custodian

and his wife and a surprise vacation

and a whole lot of love and affection

that night these young women learned

firsthand the power of give first

i don’t think i’ve ever seen a happier

senior night

if i could turn the tables and write one

last letter

to karen here’s what i’d say

losing you 13 years ago was hard

i still feel sad when i think about all

you’ve missed

but the gifts you’ve left behind your

letters

your foundation that has given a little

joy and hope

to almost a thousand women and their

families so far

your spirit are all a reminder of the

power

and the beauty and the magic of give

first

it’s now my turn to say thank you

you