I wasnt always a feminist

hi

my name is rena and today i’m going to

talk about how feminism has changed my

life

how it made me a better more empathetic

person who

is not afraid to do whatever the hell

she wants

so feminism a word that gives an icky

feeling to a lot of people

is anyone getting this icky feeling

listening to me right now

well to those people i want to say that

i get you

because i was there too i wasn’t a

feminist until three years back

now of course i believe that every human

on this earth

is an equal and deserves equal rights

but i knew the world had different rules

for different genders people of

different caste class and what not

and i wasn’t ready to deal with that

before i became a feminist

i did partake in judging people like

many of us

do i used to think that women who had

lots and lots of sex are not good girls

i didn’t quite accept the idea of

same-sex relationships

do you remember anyone else who didn’t

accept this yes it was a government

until 2018.

i judged my ex for crying too much and

not being manly enough

and i’m not proud of any of these things

so if you feel bored with the word

feminism then i get you

because i have been there and that’s why

i’m telling you to listen closely

because i am not talking about how women

are better than men

or how we need to eradicate this entire

male species from earth

because that’s not what feminism is

about

i promise you that all genders will

learn something today

even though i’m speaking from my

perspective which is that of a woman

so i started working with she the people

which is a women’s channel

three years back and like i said i

wasn’t a feminist when i joined

and i was at my first event the women’s

writers fest where i saw all these women

speaking so boldly

sharing their stories fearlessly all

these amazing women

but at that moment i thought to myself

aren’t these women overdoing it don’t

all us women go through it

why are they making a big deal out of it

it was natural for me to think that way

because i had come from a place where

feminism was non-existent

i was born in moga in punjab and then i

moved to bhutanda in sixth grade where i

finished my schooling

i come from a very happy-go-lucky

punjabi family and it was a lot of fun

growing up in my house

but like most indian families there was

one major problem

i faced of course apart from the double

standards it’s the expectations

when you’re born everyone has a dream of

you irrespective of your capabilities

and interest

and when it comes to choosing what you

want to do in your life

i knew my family would be really

supportive of my choice

of career as long as it was nothing of

beat

so anything like i his doctor was great

engineering

was acceptable to getting married to a

rich guy of a good family

and that too of the same cast wow that

was the ideal scenario

and i was prepared to do something like

that

i mean why not if it meant that i would

lead a happy life

so i ended up doing engineering which

like i said was sort of acceptable i

graduated with a 8.3 cgpa but like

most engineers after the end of

engineering i was like okay

while many of my friends were doing

masters i wanted to explore

and that was the only thing i was sure

of because i had just spent four years

of studying biomedical engineering

two things that i learned from my first

job number one

financial independence suddenly i had

this feeling that wow i am not

answerable to anybody for my choices

which felt great

the other thing that i observed was the

interest with which

even though i love my work there i just

couldn’t find that drive in myself

i knew that there was a calling inside

me but i just didn’t know what it was

so i decided to quit my job after a year

and

what should i do what should i do is the

question i ask myself

now my journey is going to get a little

bizarre as my family puts it

but it’s my journey and i’m super proud

of it

you know as a family we have seen a lot

of financial problems with three

siblings and my parents have taken

all sorts of loans to put us through

schools and colleges

to do this meant that they sacrificed a

lot my dad didn’t even buy a car until

last year

and now that my parents had paid for our

education

they were done paying for us of course

they had done their part

it was my parents dream that i became a

nice

and i thought to myself why not i anyway

don’t know what i want to be so why not

try this

so i told them about my decision and

they were pleased as i expected

before leaving the office do i give a

huge speech about how i wanted to be an

is officer

everyone said is we thought you would go

into modeling or something

i ignored that so i moved back to

belinda as a girl who had made this big

decision

as you may know the life of someone

studying for upsc is very clear

you study eat study some more feel

sleepy drink some coffee get back to

studying and repeat the whole process

and i did that for four months but i

realized that i’m bored

and that’s not how you crack is and i

just

and i decided to give up on that

somebody would say that

i failed but i couldn’t go ahead with

this

so what were my options continue or

recourse

i decided to recourse but what should i

do

maybe something that everyone has been

telling me that i’d be good at

ever since i was a little girl something

that even my office mates at my last job

thought i’d do

be a model now to you this may seem

bizarre but to me

this seemed very natural at that time

let me explain

so growing up what role models did you

have

while men have a lot of options to

choose from you know sports people the

prime minister and almost every ceo in

the world

i had only two role models sushmita

saint and eshwar

now it’s not like they’re not good role

models they’re amazing to be honest

but having them as role models limited

my vision

but still at that time i thought to

myself why not

give it a shot so i packed my bags and

went off to bombay at 23

with some savings that would last me for

four months

and yes again my parents were not going

to pay for me any longer and well

nothing happened in four months i ended

up working at a production house

without any salary and this was a

situation i didn’t want to be in

because my wallet was getting empty and

i couldn’t go back home

even though i was failing i had to talk

to myself and be honest about my

situation

you know rather than doing something

that will only bog me down

and i had to bring myself back to the

game so i started applying for jobs

i wanted a job that would give me enough

money to stay in bombay along with

making me

feel good about myself i got picked up

by a creative agency as a junior digital

manager

the pay was less than my first job but i

took it because i couldn’t see any other

options

to my surprise i ended up loving my work

and the people there were really warm

and welcoming

but yes that did not change my financial

situation

i moved to a two bhk where nine of us

girls lived

my bed there was smaller than the birth

of a train

something that i had ignored but my mom

observed it

because she was the one who pointed it

out to me and this made her upset

but i told her that i was actually quite

happy living there

after all i wasn’t in this alone right

there were literally eight other women

in the same flat

and each of them were fighting their own

battles they had their own struggles

and even though bombay can get to you at

times

all of us found a way to be happy on

most days

through my agency i met a client who

literally decided to cold call me one

day and say

please come and join us and that’s how i

landed up at see the people

and i thought i am not a feminist so how

come i can join that

i had never spent any time understanding

feminism

it’s not something that was a part of my

life

my dreams had no feminism in it

you know sometimes when you’re not

something places that you go they

actually make an

environment for you to become that

because at the end of the day

all of us need to evolve as human beings

did i understand feminism on day one no

it doesn’t come on a plate it took me

three months of actively reading up

feminist content every single day

because that was my job now and had to

do it

and i realized that i had internalized

misogyny

because i like you have grown up in a

society where patriarchy is the norm

things that i learned were i am equal

and

as important as any other person that

there is i don’t have to justify my

actions to people

just because i’m a girl society has its

own rules

but well now i’m making my own i

can’t please everyone but i can please

myself

it was amazing when my interest in

something started emerging

how hard work and everything else fell

into place

that calling that i was just talking

about was finally

finding its place in my life you know

it’s so hard for us girls to put

ourselves in the center

why should we not we must

we’ve always been taught to put

ourselves in the periphery

do the things which people think are

okay for us to do

we are expected to please everybody else

except our own selves

you know what putting myself in the

center

made me realize that i became a person

who understood her family needs

i understood my father his financial

struggles his failures his successes

i became more aware of the sacrifices

that my mom had made to raise all of us

up

i knew i had to step up and start

working towards leveling up my family’s

finances

that i don’t have to wait for the man of

the house to do it

and why should it all have to come on

them

i can do it and i should contribute

equally

you know we’ve all grown up watching

bollywood movies and in many of them a

rich guy comes and saves the girl of a

financial stress

and even though this thought has been

very comforting to me on the days when i

was high on self-doubt

you know that i have a savior somewhere

a man who will rescue me of

all this stress i chose to unlearn that

i also realized that i am nobody to

judge anyone for their choices in life

as i started accepting myself i became

more accepting of the people around me

now this also made me happier as a

person and i was finally

able to enjoy my life and just with

everything was looking good

code happened you know so your life is

gone

all the fun is gone and it’s not been

easy for me

like it’s not been easy for anybody else

but like many others

i decided to make most of the situation

i packed my bags again and moved back to

batinda but this time as a confident

woman

carrying with her not just a bag of

clothes but a bag of change

a bag of things that i’ve learned but i

was a little

concerned how my family would handle my

newfound feminism

you know as everybody else covet also

has been a big change for me

i started my own show called point to

hair where my intention was to point out

the everyday mistreatment

women experience in their lives so that

maybe they’ll stand up for themselves

maybe they will stop blaming themselves

every time they fail to meet the

criteria of a good girl

maybe this start spotting the double

standards my aim was to appeal to women

because

appealing to others seemed like an

impossible task

and while i focused my energy on

empowering women

i had to deal with some snarky comments

from people around me

you know they were slightly in a fun

teasing way

but everyone just literally wanted to

test my patients

my younger cousins deliberately

shames women

in front of me to piss me off when we’re

at a family gathering i can hear someone

or the other say that oh don’t say this

in front of her she’s a big feminist

she’ll get angry

and i deal with that but i had one

person who was always on my side

my mom she never failed to take a stand

for me

no matter how many times i quit my job

or changed my path

you know when it comes to empowerment it

is either a privilege or an individual

struggle for each and every woman

so what sex empowered women apart from

society

they often have a strong support system

behind them

and while i had my mom i definitely

needed a support system outside my

family too

every day i would see a community

growing women agreeing that they have

gone through similar struggles and this

is something that made me more and more

sure about who i am as a person and what

i want to do

you know one of my close friends called

me up and told me that a friend of hers

was being forced into a marriage

her parents literally made her meet

three potential grooms in one day

in one day and asked her to choose one

there

and then what she told her dad was that

you know you can’t do this

you can’t force me into marriage and i

know what feminism is

and what you’re asking me to do is wrong

on so many levels

she stood up for herself and when i hear

stories like these it makes me feel

so proud of the work that i do and

that’s my support system in a way

and you must find yours too be it in

your friends

your family co-workers or anything else

you know you must find your people who

empower you

and i can’t stress that enough find your

people

you can try and change your family but

you can’t

expect them to change overnight

like my dad although he’s come a long

way

he’s not the exact feminist that i’m

looking for

but isn’t that human nature we can’t

change

everybody’s everything but if we can

make

the needle move slightly it’s a big

success

because after all they’ve been

conditioned for years and years in a

certain way

so it’s not an open close chapter story

it’s a continuous book that we

have to write rewrite scratch some

things rethink and rewrite again

as i leave you all i want to give you

something that you can think about

something that’s actionable number one

accept yourself for who you are and

start

prioritizing yourself second is that you

must develop the habit of having honest

conversation with yourself

about what you want in life about who

you are

then whether that’s your struggle with

your gender your sexuality

choice of career or anything else that’s

important to you

number three don’t be rigid in your

approach towards life

always be ready to learn and unlearn new

things

last don’t let the situations define

your self-worth

you might be doing well in your life one

day and you could be constantly

questioning your capabilities the other

whatever struggles you may go through

you must try and remain confident about

the person you are

even when you are unemployed even when

someone close to you or someone you work

for

tells you you are worthless or that

you’re not good enough

you have to believe in yourself as there

is no other way

because if you don’t no one else will

you