Patriarchy and Its Pillars How We Can Crumble the System

[Music]

my professor back in grad school used to

say

if women were to stop supporting the

patriarchy it would crumble in a day

just like every structure of systemic

oppression the patriarchy is founded

on various pillars which are needed to

keep the structure intact

we have been told that if men and only

men

an essential pillar in supporting the

patriarchy

were to alter their behavior the

patriarchy would collapse

even though men need to be held

accountable for their behaviors

i want to shift the narrative today from

waiting for men to dismantle the

patriarchy

to what we as women can do to crumble it

through socialization young girls are

taught to follow patriarchal rules and

enforce them

as they grow up this is a never-ending

cycle

which has made women one of the main

pillars in supporting the patriarchy

if we as women stop supporting this

system

that stands upon our shoulders we can

begin

to bring down the patriarchy from the

bottom up

for two decades growing up in india i

was a full believer of the patriarchy

that taught me to place others before

myself and fall in line

in my all-girls school classes on

chastity and moral science were

emphasized

whereas there wasn’t any form of moral

policing

when it came to boys because boys will

be boys

when i went to law school i knew that if

i wanted to be married

and have children by the age of 25 i

might have to put my career

on the side it wasn’t until

i left my culture and stayed away from

its pressures

that i realized that if i wanted to be

the woman that i always wanted to become

i had to defy the system that had held

me down

for years altogether now at 27

i’m an international lawyer where i

advocate for women

through my work in the field of

gender-based violence asylum

and help them unlearn the very rules of

patriarchy

that i was taught growing up but what

are the rules of the patriarchy in south

asia

women are given the choice to either be

a good girl or a bad one

a good girl is someone who follows the

rules to a t

and a bad girl is someone who chooses to

express herself

however she pleases upon reflecting on

my time in india

i have boiled down the patriarchy’s

guidelines to girls

into three simple rules rule one

don’t be a bad girl rule two

don’t associate with bad girls and rule

3

make sure that bad girls know that they

are bad girls

in a sense these three rules and the

willingness

to follow these rules make up an entire

pillar

supporting systemic patriarchy in south

asia

the pressure to judge other women and

ourselves

is what the patriarchy relies upon in

order to stay standing

and this begs the question how are these

rules

upheld in early childhood these rules

are instilled in girls

through methods of reward and punishment

by parents

relatives or teachers this can look

anything from you will get the doll or

the tea set that you want

only when you behave like a good girl to

using a wide range of

emotional and physical abuse like

pinching

slapping or calling names in order to

discourage

unwanted behaviors south asian girls are

instilled with fear to conform to these

patriarchal demands

by accepting gender roles in order to

escape

survive or just get ahead in their life

the decision to comply or oppose these

rules is called the patriarchal bargain

the choice offered to south asian women

is simple

either accept the patriarchal bargain

and be a good girl

or defy the patriarchal bargain and be

also sized by the entire society and be

considered

as a bad girl another way south asian

culture trains

women to act like good girls is by

placing the reputation of a family

on them if you deviate from the

prescribed expectations placed

on women of your age the family name is

brought down

women who are raped come home to ashamed

families

women who are unable to make their

marriage work

are looked down upon the same benchmark

is not placed on men often times this

shame

is met with rumors and gossip which

spread throughout the community

and once that starts other women are

quick to distance themselves

from the perceived bad girl this is how

the second rule operates where other

women are quick to distance themselves

from the woman in question this is one

of the primary ways in which women

uphold the patriarchy

i experienced a crippling impact of this

when i was 14 years old and was caught

having a boyfriend

even though i was teased and talked

about for my actions by boys

the feedback that hurt the most came

from the females in my life

the women i had called my best friends

just days before

failed to stand up for me i was bullied

i was ostracized and was called a

by my peers

and for my teachers i was a troublemaker

all of this led me to believe that at my

core i was a terrible person

for enacting this singular behavior

here the third rule of patriarchy

was enacted as i was clearly made to

made aware

by others that i was being a bad girl

for my actions after this scarring

incident

i fell back in line in hindsight

even if some women would have supported

me other women would have judged them

simply because of their affiliation to

me what this cycle of judgment proves

is that the patriarchy is actually made

to pit women against each other

it discourages allyship and it

encourages women to push down others

especially the ones

who do not conform to the strict mode

that we’re all given to follow

what is more interesting is that we are

taught these methods of

self-restriction self-judgment and peer

punishment

by our mothers in my field

where i deal with gender-based violence

asylum claims

i’ve asked women fleeing their countries

because they were persecuted on the

basis of their gender

as to who convinced them when they went

back

the first time after they left their

abuser

more often than not my women clients

have told me that it was either their

mother

or mother-in-law that had a conversation

with them explaining to them

that some adjustment was required in

every marriage

and that some form of abuse is a part of

the urban flow of every marriage

when i was caught having a boyfriend it

was my mother that punished me why would

our mothers

people who love us the most in the world

actually make sure

that we learn the rules of a system that

oppresses our free will

for generations altogether the idea that

you can

only be a good mother if you uphold the

patriarchal bargain

and teach the rules of the patriarchy to

your daughters has been perpetuated

south asian mothers derive validation

praise

and status in the community and also

from the men of their family

if they’re able to keep their daughters

in line

nothing can top raising a quiet sober

decent and a self-sacrificing daughter

enforcement of the patriarchy goes

beyond the domestic front and can also

be seen

in the professional field women face a

lack of resources

and opportunity and because of this they

are forced to compete against

each other rather than collaborate when

a woman comes to you to see

professional guidance do you think i had

it rough

and so she should as well or do you

think

that i had it rough and i want to make

sure that i help her in the best way

possible

one mindset will continue to divide us

and the other

will foster our empowerment we need an

empowering mindset

because for a woman to be successful in

her career she must have taken a detour

from the good girl path

she must have confronted questions like

who takes care of the kids when you’re

at work

and must have been made to feel guilty

for choosing herself

now i’m not saying that the patriarchy

will be crumbled in a day

however living in a patriarchal system

all throughout my life

i have been able to see that the very

rules that sustain the system

are actually its weakest link the first

rule

which expects us to not be bad girls

can be addressed by shunning the good

girl versus bad girl narrative

we should try and stop looking at our

actions through the lens of

what will people say and look at our

actions through the lens of

what’s best for us this metric negates

the good girl versus bad girl narrative

and actually lets women choose

unapologetically for themselves

we also need to pause and acknowledge

that attaching our value to our

reputation

is not only flawed but is also toxic

we need to remember that the first step

towards collective healing

is actually fostering our own growth and

personal healing

only if we stop judging ourselves can we

stop judging others

the second rule expects us to not

associate with bad girls

to foster female friendships we need to

create a judgment-free zone not just for

ourselves

but also for others we need to invest in

female friendships especially because as

brown girls

were only trained to invest in either

marital

or familial relationships the stronger

your female friendships are

the more support you’ll have when you

finally choose to defy the patriarchal

expectations

from you apart from that be generous

in reassuring your fellow women in

telling them that they’re doing the

right thing

by prioritizing themselves personally

for me

the only reason i could pursue my

master’s program in the united states

was because my mother reassured my

dreams and i can’t thank her enough

the final rule emphasizes on women

morally policing each other through

judgments

gossip and peer punishment start bonding

with each other

through perpetuating the judgment cycle

consciously choose to not participate in

gossip that tears other women down

only because they’re behaving like bad

girls

we’re at a position where the baton

would soon be passed from our mothers to

us

and if we want to raise a generation of

young women that support each other

we need to make sure that we stop using

judgments as a way

of controlling women’s behaviors we are

the link

that allows these behaviors to be

ingrained in future generations

turning against each other will not

protect anyone

from the patriarchy

we don’t have to wait for the future to

be female if we as women recognize our

own role in upholding the system

we recognize the power we have over it

we can break away from the rules forced

upon us not just in south asia

but across all systems of patriarchy

and we can begin to slowly crumble one

of the most fundamental pillars

upholding the patriarchy and change the

power it has over us

this change starts from you and me and

it can start

now thank you

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