Stories in a Womens World

[Music]

[Applause]

december 30th 2016.

after months of planning a

once-in-a-lifetime trip to iceland it’s

finally here it’s finally time to go on

flight 162 san francisco to reykjavik

a tall man boards behind you and offers

to put your carry-on bag in the overhead

bin you graciously thank him and relax

as you settle into seat 21h

this plane ride should be a time to

drift off to sleep and dream about

seeing the northern lights to wonder

what it’s going to feel like to soak in

the blue lagoon to go dog sledding for

the first time

only

you can’t because of the noise in the

background and no it’s not the roaring

of the jet engines it’s the loud voice

of the man sitting behind you who helped

you with your luggage he’s speaking to a

woman who’s incessantly sobbing

he’s spewing insults at her demeaning

her and the more she cries the harsher

they become

she can barely get out a word to respond

to him through her tears turn your brain

on he says in a mocking tone with the

laugh followed by

use your words

he changes the subject he tells her you

haven’t accomplished enough for a woman

who’s in her late 20s people aren’t

being honest with you when they

compliment you on your work they’re just

trying to be nice to you

i’m telling you this because i care

about you she keeps crying and he sounds

disgusted

look at you

you’ve never been my type

you’re ugly if you cared about me you

would want me to find someone i’m

attracted to she composes herself well

enough to ask the question you’ve

wondered all along

then why do you want to be with me she

says

every time i bring up breaking up you

tell me you don’t want to

he responds with i feel sorry for you

okay that’s why i’m with you because no

one else would want to date you because

i’m a nice person

this seems like a totally different man

than the one who put your suitcase away

you glance back just to be sure and yeah

it’s him

you brought your sound cancelling

headphones

easy solution you think you can just

tune them out

but even through them you hear his voice

don’t poke the bear he warns her

you look back and forth you mean this is

how he is when he hasn’t been poked

how could he be any worse

you look left you see a flight attendant

coming down the aisle you could pull her

aside tell them they’re being too loud

she could ask him to be quiet and that

would stop him

but as much as you try to ignore it your

gut tells you that this woman is in

danger

but then again she’s also a stranger so

it’s none of my business you think you

try to convince yourself to do nothing

but then

you hear it

she asks him

what can i do to fix myself

he thinks for a minute and says i don’t

know

kill yourself

she continues to cry and says

i’m so sorry

in a serious tone he follows up with

if you truly love me you want me to be

happy and maybe if you’re in heaven you

can help me find my soul mate and look

down and smile on our wedding day

this man is sick

there’s a napkin under your cocktail and

a pen in your purse you quickly scribble

a note but you can’t decide whether or

not to give it to her at least you’ll

have it down on paper you write

dear girlfriend

i know the lord had me overhear your

conversation to let you know that you

were a very beautiful young woman that

should have a man that makes you cry

with wonderful laughter not bullying

you are being abused and he will never

love you like you deserve

i’m very concerned about you and i’m

praying for you

run from him

get help and protection he doesn’t care

what you think or say or do

he is a very sick man and will make you

sick if you stay with him

please take this to heart and get help

fast

you decide to sign your name and write

down an email address that you rarely

use

towards the end of the flight the man

leaves his seat to go to the bathroom

this is your chance

you peek back through the seats and your

heart sinks

because you see it

you see her

she has a face now she’s someone’s

daughter or someone’s friend and she

needs help

he looked down at the note

what would you do

would you listen to your heart and pass

it to her thinking that the best case

scenario is that it helps her the worst

case scenario is that she chews you out

as you get off the plane

or would you let your head get the best

of you and fall back on that mindset

that has become so conditioned to focus

on our own problems not on those of a

stranger what would you do

what would you do if you knew that in

passing her that note

the woman sitting in the row behind you

would tell you that you’re the reason

she’s not six feet underground

and that she would thank you for saving

her life from the tedx stage

my name is laura owens and as you can

tell i wasn’t the hero in this story i

was the crying woman in c22h the

stranger nancy made the courageous

decision to hand me that note

in her mind she could have easily

justified keeping it to herself she

could have just said it was none of her

business but she saw me as an individual

as someone of value as a person that

somebody cared about and she made it her

business in that brief period of time

nancy saw him for who he was for how i

couldn’t see him

i felt like i was on a roller coaster

ride

we’d had a fairy tale start and then it

came down

fast

it seemed like overnight his charm and

compliments turned to criticism his

comments became more and more menacing

until finally

the verbal abuse became physical

the first thing he did once we landed in

iceland and got to the hotel was asked

me to pick a number not knowing why i

picked 40.

he said that was how many times he was

going to slap me

he did and then he choked me

the less oxygen i breathed in the more

he smiled

and for the first time in months he

praised me

good girl he said

my mind flashed on the note

he was truly sick and i was in danger i

begged him to stop and he stormed off i

thought he’d left the room so i went to

my backpack and i reread the note

i had no idea that he was standing

behind me

he told me to hand him the note he said

i knew she was listening all along she

doesn’t know what she’s talking about

his face was red with anger and a vein

popped out on his forehead he tore up

the note figured it would never be

brought up again but luckily i’d taken a

picture

even with all of that drama we made it

to dinner he abruptly left right before

the check came he said he needed to go

shoot footage for his instagram and told

me not to go find him he said he didn’t

want to be seen in photos or videos with

me because it would hurt his chances of

becoming insta-famous which was a big

goal for him he thought that if he

appeared to be alone he would appear

single and that would get him a lot of

female followers my heart was broken and

i had no sense of direction both

literally and figuratively i mean truly

i had no service and i was lost

i asked two people for help finding my

way back to the hotel but they didn’t

speak english

i stumbled around the streets of

reykjavik and the highest heels i owned

and in a sleeveless dress that was as

inappropriate as you could get for the

snowstorm i was in

the fireworks went off at midnight and i

could hear people in the distance

cheering i could feel their excitement

about the idea of a new year new hopes

new dreams new goals and then there was

me looking worse than ever after crying

for the better part of 24 hours

i slipped into an alley i was numb from

the blanket of hopelessness and

unworthiness i felt

the only wish i had for the year was to

redo my life and become a different

person since my boyfriend had convinced

me i was a failure and i couldn’t fix

myself but that wasn’t going to happen

the last thing i wanted to do was die

but he had convinced me that there

wasn’t a place for me on earth

he said that he didn’t want to end our

relationship but i couldn’t understand

why he didn’t want to when he treated me

like he hated me

he said that i brought it out of him

that it was my fault that he’d never

been violent before he met me

that i was responsible for his

transformation from the all-american boy

to american psycho but the thing is that

i had no idea no idea what i’d done

wrong i was the same person i was when

he met me i was giving i was kind i was

loyal i was supportive i looked the same

all of the qualities he said he liked so

much about me hadn’t changed i was so

confused and i felt so alone i knew i

couldn’t tell my family and friends what

had been going on i didn’t even think

they would believe me after our first

date i had proudly told them that i now

believed in love at first sight

i told them that i thought he was the

one and after seeing us together they

agreed

even when the relationship started to go

south he still acted like he adored me

in public he only abused me in private

and he had convinced me that i was the

problem but as much as i tried

i couldn’t figure out what my problem

was

as i sat in that alley just lost in my

thoughts

my mind flashed to that note from a

stranger that i’d been handed on the

plane

my fingers felt numb but i was able to

unlock my phone and open up the photos

of it for the first time in a long time

i felt like maybe i wasn’t crazy maybe

nancy saw something in him that i didn’t

maybe i needed to take a step back and

try to look at our relationship from the

perspective of an outsider from that of

a stranger

of how it looked to the world instead of

how it felt to me i weekly stood up and

wobbled back to the hotel

when i got to the room he was livid

maybe it was because he’d had too many

drinks or maybe his instagram post

hadn’t gotten the attention he thought

it would or maybe he was upset because

he didn’t know where i was and for a few

hours he’d lost his power over me

i hoped he was mad because he realized

that i’d taken nancy’s note to heart and

that i was now on to him

not surprisingly the rest of the trip

was a nightmare

it was impossible to enjoy the beautiful

surroundings when i knew that once we

got back to the hotel room i would be

abused

i thought constantly about nancy’s note

even after we left iceland and got back

to the united states

every time he said or did something

awful to me i took it less and less

personally i was finally able to admit

to myself that she was right he was

never gonna love me like i deserved

i knew that after what he’d done to me

he could never be the one but i didn’t

know how to leave towards the end of our

relationship he attempted to suffocate

me i remember exactly where i was when i

felt almost all of my spirit my soul

all of my fight dissipate

the feeling of his hand

on top of a pillow on top of my face

pressing all of his weight more than

twice mine into me in an effort to

silence me once and for all

i blacked out but i woke up

i was a different person when my eyes

opened

i tried to leave and he wouldn’t have it

he was following me around my

neighborhood he was banging on my door

at night telling me that he knew i was

home when i didn’t answer the door so i

had to do something that i never thought

i’d do

i called a dv group and i asked for help

within minutes i was connected with a

wonderful woman on the phone another

kind stranger who said that i was safe

she said that she believed me and that i

wasn’t alone she said that one day i

wouldn’t be embarrassed to call myself a

domestic violence victim and that i

would be proud to call myself a domestic

violence survivor

that woman connected me with more kind

strangers who owed me nothing but played

a huge part in saving my life

they helped me get a restraining order

against my ex-boyfriend which i still

have today and guess who wrote a witness

statement for me

nancy she was stunned that i reached out

to her but she was happy to help in any

way she could

stranger after stranger after stranger

kindness after kindness after kindness

this was the kind of world that i wanted

to live in i look back now and i wonder

what life would have looked like for my

family and friends if he’d succeeded in

taking mine nothing would have been

better for them as he’d convinced me

they would be my sister told me that i

would be the maid of honor at her

wedding when we were teenagers long

before she met the love of her life

she found him and got married this year

and i cried more than anyone else at the

ceremony because i was so happy to be

there to be alive to be with her

before my sister walked down the aisle

she said she couldn’t imagine anyone

else standing by her side on her big day

i said i’m only here because of nancy

she said because of a little note

and i think about what i would have

missed if she hadn’t written that note

i think about seeing my father actually

run in the pool in his first swimming

lesson after seeing his movement being

so affected by parkinson’s disease for

21 years my mom and i had endless

conversations about my relationship and

how nancy’s kindness had saved me

that was the catalyst for the podcast we

started together where people who

inspire us talk about their moments of

growth discomfort and change that led to

happy successful times that they never

thought were possible and after nearly

450 interviews i’ve learned that most

people say there was one person who

changed everything for them

their stranger their nancy i’ve often

wondered if i would have developed the

courage to leave on my own and realize

that even if i did it would have been

too late

one more time might have been too late

the difference between him being my

abuser and my murderer was this

that’s it

one more second of his fingers pressing

on my neck one more second without air

and i wouldn’t be here

for the first time in my life i had a

seizure then two then three my body was

run down it couldn’t have taken any more

abuse from him

i know i am only standing here because a

stranger told me i didn’t deserve it i

know that at some point in our lives

we’ve all been in a situation where

eavesdropping interrupting and

intervening things we were told to never

do could have changed the trajectory of

someone’s life we just don’t realize it

at the time how easy is it to turn our

heads away when we see someone in public

in distress

to pretend that we have more important

things to do than simply acknowledge

their existence

to bury ourselves and our smartphones

wasting our time airbrushing our

appearance to get more meaningless likes

today it’s easier than ever to be the

main character of our own story we can

move through the world immersed in our

technology seeing the rest of humanity

as just a backdrop for our own story

i’m the first to admit that i’m guilty

of that of thinking that i could take

control of the narrative of my life by

writing an instagram caption

of thinking that as long as it looked

like i was living the perfect life i was

for example i posted this throwback to

iceland shortly after arriving back in

the u.s which got comments like so

jealous and looks amazing now here’s

where i was when i actually posted it

in the hospital after my abuser and i

had a particularly rough night can you

imagine the reaction my friends would

have had if i posted my reality instead

of the one i portrayed online if i said

i need help

i’ve been in an abusive relationship i

need to figure out how to get myself out

of it and i want to know that one day

i’ll feel like my old self again what i

really needed was to find the courage to

leave him and to find myself

i needed love and support not followers

and likes maybe if i’d been honest i

could have helped someone

maybe someone would have seen that post

and i could have been someone stranger i

wished i’d been more courageous like

nancy so life ambled on and i continued

to portray myself as having it all

together

as someone who had never experienced

anything difficult in life before

for a long time it seemed easy then one

day it didn’t

the most traumatic chapter of my life

was the most private

if i didn’t tell the story for myself i

owed it to nancy

maybe people would be nicer to each

other if they realized the power that

their actions have

i didn’t need to post a sad story about

being a domestic violence victim

i needed to tell people that i was a

survivor because of a stranger but i

needed to find the courage to do so and

so of course i logged into pinterest to

search for inspirational quotes by my

icon renee brown it was like she was

speaking to me i got chills when i read

it when we denied the story it defines

us when we own the story we can write a

brave new ending that night

i told my story on facebook

i was done pretending to be perfect and

i decided that anyone who would look at

me as weak for telling it didn’t deserve

to be a part of my life

i was overwhelmed by the response

in a positive way

as one woman wrote pure love for a

stranger and another wrote angels are

everywhere we just need to be listening

when they talk to us each time that we

see the people around us as members of

humanity not as strangers we take a step

toward restoring hope for others we

become links in a chain of kindness i

didn’t know what at the time but the

purpose of my trip to iceland wasn’t to

save my relationship with my

ex-boyfriend like i thought it was

the purpose was to get nancy’s note and

to share with you the life-saving power

of kindness

why else would i have been sitting

behind her on flight 162 on december

30th

what if i’d picked the same flight the

day before the day after i thought that

the day of the flight was one of the

loneliest in my life but i was so wrong

it was the day that changed the entire

trajectory of my life

it led to the most fulfilling meaningful

friendships based on vulnerability and

kindness

it led to deeper relationships with

people i love and i’ve gotten to have

experiences i never would have gotten to

have if i’d stayed with him

all because of a brave note from a

stranger if you ever find yourself

sitting in a chair like her i hope

you’ll have the same courage she did

even if it’s uncomfortable to take a

step outside your comfort zone and say

something when your gut tells you

something’s off

it just might save a life

change a life or begin a life anew

you might feel like you’re crazy and it

may be way out of your comfort zone

but maybe

just maybe

you’ll help that person see the light at

the end of the tunnel

maybe you’ll end up being the stranger

they never knew they needed

thank you