The Girl Behind the Glasses

i got my first pair of glasses at the

age of two

they’re the first thing i put on in the

morning and the last thing i take off at

night

and growing up i hated my glasses

but as time went on i really learned to

love them

and you know they very much became and

for me and a huge part of my identity

having said that in school and childhood

i

hated them wearing glasses and being

perceived at geeks seemed synonymous

i remember one uh incident in school

when a girl in the classroom

shouted at me across the class planet

you are the biggest geek

i was humiliated but that

was a real turning point in my life i

remember it was the first time i was

thankful for my glasses i felt safe

behind them

and i did not want this girl to see me

cry

ironically that moment of prepubescent

classroom humiliation really allowed me

to see myself clearly for the first time

i could see with crystal clear 20 20

vision

my full potential and what i could

achieve

and from that point on i really had the

determination to do that

in the words of president theodore

roosevelt believe you can and you’re

halfway there and from that point in my

life

i truly believed that if i worked hard

enough there wasn’t

anything that i couldn’t achieve

by the age of 22 i had achieved

everything on my vision board to date

i had one year left of medical school

and the cherry on top

i had met the man of my dreams

everything was right on track

six years later we got married and we

initially

set our sights on starting a family that

was our goal

that was our dream and that was our

vision

one month after our wedding we found out

we were pregnant and we were overjoyed

we immediately started to imagine and

envisage our lives as parents

i can’t begin to describe the

devastation when i started to bleed

when we were told the baby was gone

even now five years on i can’t find the

words

to explain the heart act that i felt i

took a few days off to physically

recover

and then i decided it was time to try

and refocus

i really really wanted a baby our vision

hadn’t changed that was still our dream

that was still our focus this had been a

really good life experience it was going

to make me a better doctor

because i now knew what not to say to

those who were suffering heartache and

grief

that is simple i’m here for you i’m

sorry

what do you need or sometimes silence is

the answer

we were overjoyed when we were pregnant

again almost

immediately our rainbow baby

further devastation when i started to

bleed again i couldn’t

believe it but this time felt different

i had a crippling

raw heart removing

breathtaking pain on my side this wasn’t

a miscarriage

this was an ectopic pregnancy it was in

my fallopian tube and it had ruptured

i was terrified i knew this was serious

ectopic pregnancies are the leading

cause of maternal deaths

in the first trimester of pregnancy i

needed emergency surgery and i lost my

fallopian tube

the last thing i did before being

wheeled into the theater was hand my

glasses to my husband

take care of those i said i’m going to

need those when i wake up

and as the operating doors closed i

started to sob uncontrollably

my heart was broken at the thought that

my beloved glasses

could possibly forever be a symbol of

loss and grief and the last thing that i

ever gave my husband

spoiler alert i didn’t die but

the months to come were overwhelmingly

difficult

it was so hard i felt such guilt

i felt obsolete i felt overwhelmed

i just couldn’t believe that this was

something that had happened to us

i had tunnel vision blinkers on eye on

the prize

our vision was still to have a child i

felt desperate

each month became an endless cycle of

trying to conceive ovulation am i

pregnant am i not

and then further devastation at the

arrival of my period

months of heartache

trying to conceive was honestly one of

the most difficult stressful

awful times in our lives

i really really felt hopeless and it was

14 months

almost to the day since i had my

emergency surgery when i was back in

hospital

again but this time it was giving birth

to our son

all our dreams come true we were

overjoyed

having said that being a first-time mum

is overwhelming

nothing can prepare you for the feeling

that you have when you bring your baby

home for the first time

and i was so happy to be off work and

watching our son grow

and develop and develop this wee

personality but any time i felt stressed

frustrated exhausted i felt this

overwhelming guilt what was

wrong with me this is everything we had

ever

wanted all our dreams come true snap out

of a planet

what is wrong with you can’t you see how

lucky you are

we started to try for another baby

almost immediately after our son which

was born which which added to the

already um

i guess emotionally charged transition

into parenthood

it took us a good year before we became

pregnant with our daughter

it was amazing when she was born we were

a family of four a railway family unit

and our hearts were so

full i was delighted to be off work

again

and watching the wee relationship of the

two children grow

and their weight bone form and their

weight friendship blossom it was amazing

but by god i was wiped out

and hand to god there was one day i

almost

lost my mind when my husband was delayed

coming home from work

he was home eight minutes later than he

said he was going to be

longest eight minutes of my life

i i found myself starting to count down

the minutes until nap time

i felt this constant anxiety and and

worry

i didn’t feel comfortable confident

going out of the house on my own just me

and the children

i started to wonder who was i i used to

be this confident

self-assured driven vision board

creating person

who had i become it was really difficult

and don’t get me wrong there was good

days but the good days start

started to dwindle and before i knew it

i was back to work

i wasn’t back to work long when we found

out we were pregnant again

our fifth pregnancy in as many years we

were overjoyed at the thought

of adding another wee baby to the brood

our hearts were so

full but one night i wakened with an

awful

cramping in my stomach and when i went

to the bathroom and saw the blood i

couldn’t believe it another miscarriage

are you kidding me i was so

angry hi has this happened again i

thought our bad luck was done

my heart was broken

as the wigs and the days went on

i started to feed the light that once

danced in the eyes behind my glasses

seemed to go out completely my heart was

broken

i felt useless i felt worthless i had no

energy

i was getting this daily crumbling chest

pain i just didn’t ever think

i was going to feel happy again i didn’t

even want to be left in the house on my

own with the two children i was

convinced

i was going to say something that would

emotionally scar them for life

i really didn’t know where to turn to it

seemed dark and that insight that i once

had

completely disappeared it took months

of counselling tears support for my gp

including an antidepressant

self-reflection self-care and

challenging my thoughts of negativity

guilt and failure

every single day but slowly the fog

started to lift

i started to enjoy life a bit more that

insight

that was once gone returned and slowly

but surely it turned into vision

i started to feel joy and happiness

that i once thought would never return

it was five months later and just in

january of this year that i returned to

work

and i felt amazing i feel amazing

i have never felt more confident

more happy and more full of life and

insight and vision i’ve started to

create

vision boards again it is fantastic

but this week marks

a year since our fifth pregnancy ended

in heartache

and i still have my bad days i still

struggle with imposter syndrome

perfectionism issues i still have this

constant battle with my negative mind

and my guilt

and and this this challenging thought

process

that has taken me 33 years to develop

that i’m going to have to

to continue to break down but hear me

now i am not

going to ever let my confidence waver i

have taken too long

to put my heart mind soul and body back

together again

and i’ve committed lifelong to myself

that i will build myself

up each and every day

maya angelou famously said people will

forget what you say it

people will forget what you did but

people will never forget how you made

them feel

and i really keep that quote in the

forefront of my mind each and every day

i really do believe that by

trying my best every day to spread some

love and positivity

is the way forward it’s the way to live

whether that’s in my job as a doctor

in my personal life with family and

friends or in the everyday randomness of

encounters with strangers in the sharing

of a smile

or in in you know a simple act of

kindness that is how i keep my heart

full

my spirits high and my confidence where

it should be we truly

rise by lifting others but i would not

be stamping here

if it weren’t for my amazing inner

circle of support

who have you chosen to be in your inner

circle do they raise you up

do they empower you do they celebrate

all your wins

do they make you feel strong do they

make you feel like you can achieve and

overcome

anything are they an anchor or they’re

weak

i was convinced for a long time my

husband wore rose-tinted glasses

permanently

i just felt like such a burden to him

for so long

but he loves me flaws and all and i have

learned much like i learned to love my

glasses

but i can also love my imperfections

that is something that i have learned as

a result of the unconditional love

from my husband and my inner circle my

husband really is my my

rock my everything my soul mate my

constant

to anyone out there struggling there is

always

hope there is always light just

put one foot in front of the other take

it one

hour one minute one second at a time

celebrate all your wins even if your win

for that day

is mustering up the energy to get out of

bed and brush your teeth

that is still a win i have really come

to accept

that adversity in life is inevitable but

it’s how we overcome that adversity that

truly

defines us that is resilience i

am resilient my scars both emotional

and physical are my warping and much

like my glasses

i wear them with pride

thank you

you