The Invisibility Trifecta Why Midlife Women of Color Matter

[Music]

so

there’s this bias-based societal

phenomenon occurring

right under our noses and although many

people engage in it

it has become so systemic

and intertwined in our social fabric

that some people may not even realize

they’re doing it

this phenomenon relates to something

that i like to call

the invisibility trifecta

so

what exactly is that

well it’s when three things come

together to create a vortex

into which a certain segment of the

population

is involuntarily

sucked

that’s a mouthful i know so let me give

you the three things that make up the

invisibility trifecta

midlife

women

and color

so let me rewind just a bit to give you

some background into why the

invisibility trifecta

as i deem it came into being and why at

its core

is something that should be on your

radar

the first time i noticed this phenomenon

about four years ago

i was walking through an h m clothing

store

a few yards in i noticed a young man of

about 21 or 22

and he was sort of hop skip jumping in

my direction

you know how people look when they’re

super excited about something and

they’re trying to play it cool

but what they really want to do is break

out in a full-on usain bolt run

that was this guy

so as he’s getting closer to me i hear

him say

good afternoon can i help you with

something and he’s really excited

so naturally i assumed he was talking to

me

i’ll bet you did too

and like me you’d be wrong

you see

coming into the store behind me

were two

bubbly attractive

perky breasted women

to young women

even stevie wonder can see where i’m

going with this

so i thought let me give him the benefit

of the doubt

maybe he just didn’t know me right

wrong

i can still smell the axe body spray

that he left in his wake

so after that day i began to notice this

sort of thing happening more often

this

ignoring and skipping right over me

like i was invisible

the truth is

society is youth obsessed but it’s not

just society

tv movies the media they all perpetuate

this myth

that women are only vital only valuable

only worthy of notice

when they’re young

i have a problem with that

here’s the thing i get it

i’m not a young woman anymore i’m okay

with that i really am in fact

this past july i celebrated my 57th

birthday and you know what

i own my age

i’m happy with valerie it took a lot to

go from that bony

knock kneed insecure little girl

to the woman that you see standing

before you today

when i came screeching into this world

all those years ago

i brought with me two things that would

ultimately stay with me for the rest of

my life

my skin color and my gender

on the surface we know what that means

i’m a black female

but what if we go a little deeper below

the outer shell

what then does that mean

it means that from the moment i was born

my future was laid out before me

i was a part of two historically and

socially stigmatized groups and i had to

somehow overcome the disadvantages of

the double jeopardy hypothesis

the crux of that is that i began a life

filled with the promise

of challenges

now that i’m a little older life has

thrown a third challenge my way

midlife

i belong to a club whose membership only

requires three things of me

and that membership

that’s the essence the very heartbeat of

the invisibility trifecta being a

midlife woman of color and i used the

term term women of color as an inclusive

grouping not just for blacks but for

asians latinos native americans all

across the color spectrum

right now

in this day and age now more than ever

as women of color

we matter

so

why should you care about the

invisibility trifecta

why drag and pull you into the fray if

you’re not a midlife woman of color

i’ll bet you were just asking yourself

that so i’ll tell you why

because you’re skipping over women who

bring value and knowledge to the table

because we are not merely on the bi on

the sidelines we are active participants

in the game of life

but just like that insecure little kid

who was always the last one picked for

the kickball team at recess

we are the forgotten team that society

always overlooks

could it be that midlife women of color

are crippled by the social narrative

that says we are no longer vital

no longer relevant

or we no longer matter

do we lose our voice because we’re made

to think that we no longer have anything

to say

or do we lose it

because no one is listening

i have so many questions

and i’m not going to lie by the time i

reached midlife

i was a little bit intimidated there

were so many cliches floating around out

there and i fell for so many of them

hook line and sinker yet there i was

knee-deep in the things that frightened

me the most

for years i silently poked fun at older

women with their golden girls fashion

sense their age-appropriate hairdos and

their jewel-encrusted reading glasses

dangling from their accordion necks

i ignorantly thought i am not going to

be like that when i get old

but

here’s the thing about old

old is a relative term

to a four-year-old

a 12-year-old is old

to a 12-year-old a 25 year old is

near ancient

to a 25 year old a 45 year old has one

foot in the grave and the other one on a

banana peel

the fact is

many midlife women say they feel

invisible and they’re not imagining it

either

that feeling of invisibility goes far

beyond the lustful gaze of men even

though many women point to that single

factor as the driving force behind why

they say they’re not feeling seen

but get this

men are not the only culprits here

women are culpable in putting their

blinders on just as well

despite what you may think

not all women band together in those

warm and fuzzy kumbaya feel good

lifetime movie moments

it just doesn’t happen

women can be just as culpable

so let me ask you something

why is that the case

i’m not sure but

between you and me

let me tell you a little secret about

midlife

it’s not a one-size-fits-all stage of

life

for many of us

we’re not steeped in depression

our minds are intact

and even though the

prevailing thought is that you can’t

separate midlife from crisis

a great deal of us aren’t in crisis

we’re just dealing with the daily bumps

and grinds of life

just like every other jane doe

we’re not anomalies

we’re your mothers your sisters your

neighbors we’re all around you you just

have to take the time to recognize us

when you skip over us in line at

starbucks

or when you stop seeing us for the flesh

and blood beings that we are

you’re breathing life into the

invisibility trifecta

i want you to do me a favor

mentally

put yourself in the shoes of a midlife

woman of color and try to envision some

of what we endure

the racial and the gender bias

the fact that we have to work

twice as hard as our white counterparts

if a white woman says she feels

invisible

imagine how much further a woman of

color

fades

into the background

now some might say

being invisible is a choice and there is

some truth to that

for some women

that feeling of invisibility goes far

beyond what we might consider

they can put on their cloak of

invisibility fly under the radar and

silently move through life in observance

mode

and that’s what they want to do that’s

their prerogative

and then there are those women present

company included

who are invisible not by choice but by

circumstance

and through no fault of our own

and

we’re a little ticked off about it and

you know what

we have every right to be we didn’t sign

up for this

this is our reality

midlife women

are ignored

we’re devalued we’re treated differently

but midlife women of color

even more so

perhaps this is all a part of that

unwritten

social

contract if it is

i think it’s time we renegotiate that

contract

we didn’t come this far in life just to

be rendered invisible by those who

refuse to see us

we don’t want

society’s

perception to become our reality

being invisible should be an option and

not a foregone conclusion

and there you have it

the invisibility trifecta

i’ve told you the whos the what’s in the

house

i’ve given you a peek into what we as

midlife women of color endure

the invisibility trifecta is

indisputable it isn’t fake news

it is something that is very real and

its consequences can beat down a

demographic who struggles to be seen and

heard

on behalf of all of us i ask you

see us

the rest is up to you

as for that young man in that h m store

that day who nearly broke land speed

records to get to those two young women

after i pulled myself together and

turned to his retreating back in that

haze of axe spray

i just had one question for him

what about me

to the women for whom this message

resonates

know this

you are not

alone

i see you

i hear you i feel you

and i

stand with you

thank you

[Applause]

[Music]

you