The Trinity of Blame Women Sex and Shame

[Applause]

what will the writing of history look

like

when the definition is shared equally by

men

and women will we devalue the past

overthrow the category supplant order

with chaos

no we will step out under the free sky

we will observe how it changes how the

stars

rise and the moon circles and we will

describe the earth

and its workings in male and female

voices

we now know that man is not the measure

of that which is human

but men and women are

this insight will transform

consciousness as decisively as

copernicus’s discovery that the earth is

not

the center of the universe so says gerda

lerner and

so say i change

is coming and it’s terrifying

to give up the performance we hold so

dearly

as traditional and righteous

the fault of tradition as a whole is not

the remembering

but whose memories are accepted as

reality

it is the phenomenon of women never

being able

to tell the perception of women never

being able to tell

a full truth beginning with our origin

tales

shame and delusion have been the

condition of woman since the beginning

of

time in greek mythology we see this with

the tale of cassandra

a god seeking her favor gives her the

gift of

prophecy when she denies his sexual

advances

instead of taking the gift back he

curses her

so that when she prophesies no one will

listen

so that when she tells what is to come

as she knows it to be it will fall on

deaf ears

nothing she says will be counted as

truth as everything she knows

predicts and shares unfolds

and this is just mythology but more

recently it took over a hundred women’s

testimonies for dr

nassar to be held accountable for his

molestation of young girls

even though a handful of women had

spoken up well before the trial

since the beginning of time shame has

been the condition

of woman cassandra speaks but no one

listens

now it is our time it is our time to

take responsibility

as a culture and as individuals for our

failings

for how we’ve truly failed ourselves

and each other by neglecting to realize

we’re failing

together gloria anzaldua says the

ability to respond

is what is meant by responsibility yet

our cultures take away our ability to

act shackle us in the name of protection

we are shackled to the train of thought

and systems of oppression we have

assigned to

women and sexuality

we can show you your

soul in the reflection of our eyes

if you can believe the voices of

millions if you can believe

your women of my life i’ve paid

attention

and watched these boundaries men and

women enforced around girls these

insignias of shame women keep breaking

through boundaries only to see recycled

limitations being put into

place and held back together with shame

we won’t let our blood and tears

be the glue anymore it’s time to strip

off our shame

as a student in my twenties i don’t know

how you all have been funding your

education but

i’ve heard of only fans and for those of

you who haven’t

only fans is a brasserie

nude content an online platform of

virtual sex work for amateurs and

professionals alike

go go dancing stripping for some

creators porn

only fans is only the tip of the iceberg

the reality is that we as women

young and old are exploiting and

commodifying our sexuality

and bodies using sex work to fund an

overpriced and undervalued education is

a much more mainstream phenomenon

than media might lead us to believe i

was valedictorian of my high school

i worked three jobs to save for college

when i got the chance

i still couldn’t afford to go i turned

to sex work and more specifically

stripping

and i’ve taken classes here with women i

know only as

diamond or sapphire

when i started stripping the women

i bonded with you know who you are and

i’m talking to you now

you were some of the most authentic

friendships i made in my life the

strongest

women i had ever known and i won’t let

anyone

make less of us you see as a woman

sex and shame have been interchangeable

in my life

it wasn’t until recently that i’ve come

to the understanding that the best way

to strip

off my shame and your shame and

our shame is to remove its pretense from

my life

to better express our united values

is to regard the culture of shame

as a train of thought whose goals they

need to be better articulated

i want to ask why

a question i’ve asked since i could

string sentences together as a toddler

this incessant

asking of mine that’s driven my father

to the brink of insanity

why why why

why is sex work

as an industry thriving if culture

tells us it’s simply a bottomless well

of mutual pain

culture is diseased

cultures toxicity towards women

and sex can be undone only by connecting

and sharing stories without wearing

those experiences

as a badge of failure we can

hyper-sexualize women or we can put them

as

figureheads but can we be honest

can we show compassion for one another

lay ourselves down so that we may spare

suffering for our daughters for our

children

for those that will come after us for

those that stand beside us

progress as i see it is to understand

that

forward together requires a connection

of our individual story to our mother

story and your neighbor’s story and my

story

and to all the women and

people who have been denied this

compassion who have felt this

shame a collective warning

of how in the cultural perception of my

failings

i see shames failings as well and how i

want to grow

together

in my time as a dancer i was quickly

made aware

that stripping is an act of taking off

my clothes

that part was obvious what surprised me

is that my eyes

strip off the mask of the stranger

let me explain this to you human beings

desperately want to be seen

why did men come there men came

to experience pleasure men came to us

and wanted to talk about their life

their wife

their job their hockey league how

they’ve let down

their children you have a higher chance

of a better dance with your money

when my body was on constant display i

learned something about vulnerability

and physical beauty

i think all of us knew something that to

be

beautiful is powerful but to know the

language of desire

can make up for more than a few words

couple this with a knowledge

that the condition of masculinity is

agonizing loneliness

not lust and you begin to unravel

an age-old dichotomy of shame

and blame why is it

that sex and the power of women’s bodies

require

such policing by men women

and society why does my body make me a

liar

and inferior my friends

are college students high school

students some are business owners and

nurses

leaders in their communities an

astounding

percentage of these women have been

drugged

or raped or molested or assaulted

mentally and emotionally and physically

and instead of a fury of justice our

stories i have

watched be overly interrogated

dissected called hysterical delusional

and attention seeking lies

these women we are of sound

moral character so long as we do not

question the hierarchy of power

or call for intimate justice

this sounds a lot like the tale of

cassandra

why is my reality called a lie and

illusion of emotion

pain is not gendered manipulation

is not gendered but this mistrust of

reality

most certainly is so

now i ask another difficult question

why is it that the worst thing the girl

from her hometown can be

is a stripper because

you’re acknowledging her sexuality her

ability to commodify and manipulate her

sexuality

and i understand the threat of knowing

the woman who strips because

your partner might feel entitled to eye

her tits like he does every other woman

or because maybe sex is sacred to you

rightfully so and you could never

imagine

exploiting your sexuality and your body

maybe you could never imagine being seen

in that way

and still feeling respectable

i understand and i honor your

fears but if your partner is constantly

ogling women

have a vulnerable conversation about

sexuality and desires if you’re

desperately ashamed of your sexuality

you need

to talk about that if sex is sacred

i honor that mine is as well if you’re

unsatisfied and it manifests into

constant

hate and judgment maybe give each other

an

orgasm and now

sex is not the answer to everything

but let’s quit encouraging hysterics

because we’re

ashamed to admit who we are and what we

need

we are all hiding our whole experience

of life

how much sharing is too much

mothers deny the abortions they’ve had

leaders can’t tell of the abuse they’ve

stayed in for years

daughters keep hidden the story of their

rape fathers

won’t articulate the psychological and

physical beating of their fathers it

feels

like war when our life experiences are

simultaneously held

prisoner guard and ultimately

executioner

in a social conditioning that places

blame

on the narrative of pain in the form of

humiliation

and shame it’s the lack of empathy

and compassion the anonymity of the

human being

i became a stripper because i couldn’t

afford college

i was chasing money to chase a dream

because that’s the nature

of the society we’ve accepted

i was a stripper because universally

accessible

education is not a reality

and it ought to be

our pain our suffering and even further

our resilience is our common ground

if art is resistance if literature is

resistance

so too can the authentic and explicit

offering and realizing of our

experiences be

men i won’t encourage the toxicity any

longer

but i want to heal the pain together we

can’t

hold your feelings anymore we see

your pain and we are consumed by it you

need

to take it back that’s what we need from

you

know that women are no strangers to

change

to pain to the force of new life

and death will help you push through it

will slow your breath and wipe your

sweat

women human beings that have felt the

fear of being

powerless know that humiliation

is a more intense feeling than either

happiness

or anger our desire to be a part of the

community that rejects us

is felt more deeply in our psyche

than our desire to avoid dying our will

to live

i understand your fear of speaking your

truth

but you are brave and you are not

alone when i was simultaneously

kaylee and bella i fell in love

with a group of women with dreams and

fetishes and fears that saw each other

and didn’t flinch

but instead embraced one another and

taught each other and brought big

spenders to the stage when a sister was

dancing

and warned one another it was a

family where easter dinner prayers were

said as toasts were made as body cheers

were sung

we absorbed one another and knew that to

give into shame

to shame one another is to cut ourselves

open and bleed

slowly it turns out it’s not just

men but the human condition is one of

agonizing loneliness of wanting to be

seen

as you are shame

is the drain of progress

love is sweet labor

i did it for my daughter and i’ll endure

it for you too

because change is coming

if you can believe you’re women

thank you