Transforming Relationships One Word at a Time

[Music]

you

you do this to me every single time even

when we talk about it you go to these

business dinners you take me and you

make me feel ridiculous i’m

left there i feel left out i feel less

than and you do this

every single time to me i’m totally

ignored

me you’re going to blame me for this

you who begs to come to these dinners

you’re going to blame me for this

this is going to be on me you who can’t

handle these business dinners

and you’re gonna go ahead and make this

one on me

i don’t think so this is about you

and they’re off to the races

how many of you have ever had an

exchange like that

sometime in your lifetime

every country is well known for a

particular dance

we have brazil that’s known for the

samba

we have cuba that’s known for the salsa

and japan

the kabuki and here in the united states

we are pretty well known for the texas

two-step

every relationship has a dance every

couple has a dance

every friend has one siblings have one

colleagues have one

we know when to push a button we know

when to pull back

we know when to give the silent

treatment and we know when to do that

softball that’s just going to blow

everything

up this dance is called the

communication

misstep dance how many of you would like

to learn

how not to misstep again

i have a system it’s called the one word

exchange system this is where we take

one word

exchange it for another and transform

relationships just one word at a time

i invite all of you to stop using the

word you

and exchange it for the word i when it’s

in the beginning of a sentence you

creates a sense of defensiveness in us

we actually know that two things happen

in the body we either a hip

or we take a slight step back with our

hands at our waist

both of these are defensive moves

because we feel like we need to defend

ourselves

even when it’s a compliment you look

great today

what did you hear i know when i hear

you look great today i automatically

think oh my gosh

what did i look like before do i never

look good

the one word exchange system taking you

for i

would go like this i love that blouse

thanks i was shopping the other day i

bought five of them

in different colors

it takes defense down and you get a

story

you get this beautiful story

let’s go back to my couple if they had

used it

it might have looked like this

i feel so left out when we go to those

business dinners

i know it’s my fault i know i’m the one

who has anxiety

except i felt so ignored i was really

pretty angry last night especially since

we talked about it

oh you’re right i got nervous too

they’re not my favorite things

but we did talk about it and i did do

that and i am so sorry

lousy reasoning but i gotta tell you i

will try to do better

now we have a conversation we have a

dialogue

we have two people that are actually

listening to one another

they have moved from what i call the

communication misstep

dance to what i call the communication

connection dance with the exchange of

one word

the next word also comes at the

beginning of a sentence

and it’s the y word why you ask

well the y word actually does the same

thing the u word does

it creates a sense of defensiveness

why are you going to mexico um

the flights were cheap i haven’t had a

vacation in a long time

why are you wearing that shirt

actually it was the only one in the

clean pile and i didn’t have to iron it

we get defensive

recently i was asked to come do a large

pitch for a corporation

they were trying to merge two divisions

together and they weren’t communicating

well

i was in the board room with about 20 to

25 different people around the table and

the ceo

walked in he pulled out his chair put it

in the middle of the aisle he crossed

his feet and crossed his arms

i was right in this place word to

talking about

the reasons not to use a why question

would this work on my wife

with a tweak or two to be honest it

works in the business arena

as well as in your personal life

it was about two minutes before i was

finished and he got a phone call and he

exited with a little wave up in the air

it was a week later when i got the phone

call

patty do you want the good news or the

bad news

the bad these two divisions

we’re going to let them go separately

globally

and we’re not going to need your

services

i must admit my heart sank not only did

i want the opportunity to help this

company i was looking forward to working

with them

and then he said but patty i think you

changed my life forever

wow that’s a big statement please tell

me

help me understand what transpired

he said patty my son and i beat heads

every single time we talk every single

time we talk

we are just going at each other and we

probably don’t last

five minutes in a conversation let alone

a room

when i left that day i went home to my

house and my son’s car was in the

driveway

i sat there for a minute and i thought

is patty really right is it really about

the y

word and does it create defensiveness

he said he went in sat down at the table

and sure enough here came the

conversation

he took a breath and he said

what leads you to decide on a

and not b what’s the information

that leads you to be in this arena but

not any of these other arenas

i could tell he was getting emotional

and when he came back he had a quiver in

his voice

and he said patty you don’t understand

my son and i talked for four hours that

afternoon

we haven’t had a conversation of four

hours

in the last four years you’d change the

trajectory of our relationship

forever so i got the job right

uh no we talked for a little bit we

wished each other well and we hung up

that’s a relationship that went from a

breakdown

to a breakthrough with the exchange of

one word

why for any of the other whodunits

how many of you are excited to go out

and try these not

only on your colleagues your loved ones

or your friends

and i invite you to do it but i have one

more

it’s about the should word the should

word is actually a word of shame

and if there was ever a time we are

on ourselves

it’s right now i should lose 10 pounds

i should exercise more i should get out

of bed i should get off the couch

and when we don’t accomplish those

things we feel like a failure

and failure creates a sense of shame

creates anxiety and depression

so i invite all of you to change the

should word

to i can i need or i want

i was teaching at a drug rehabilitation

center

which shame is a big part of addiction

and so we were going to talk about it

that day and on the big white board

behind me i had the word

i should dot dot dot

i asked this group of eight guys that

when they left that day to fill out the

form

come on back the next day and we’d talk

about it and they did

remember with when you’re working in a

group like this we get to know each

other pretty well

and i asked somebody to volunteer and

one of the gentlemen did

now this is a man who’s not only the ceo

but the owner of a billion dollar

corporation

so i wrote on the whiteboard the 15

things he gave me

but it was the third one that very much

intrigued me

i should go to college

wanting to make a point and trying to

think fast on my feet i wiped off that

white

board and i put another sentence that

has two parts

if i wanted to i could dot dot dot

and i asked him do you want to go to

college

no can you go to college

of which somebody was pretty smart and

said shoot patty the guy could build a

university or

buy a college and we all laughed

until i connected with my client

and he was practically in a fetal

position

in the chair with tears streaming down

his face

and i asked him what is happening

what is going on tell us what is

happening with you

and he said patty it was always my dad’s

dream

that i go to college at 16

17 and 18 that’s all he would tell me

and there it is shame

so you have been drinking and drugging

all these years to numb that feeling of

shame because you felt you needed to be

living somebody else’s dream and not

your own

again that was a break down moment

and we took it to a breakthrough moment

one word exchanged

so how do we move something off of the

should list

i want to own a five million dollar

house

can i own a five million dollar house no

do i want to own a five million dollar

house yes

if there is one no on either side of

that it moves off of the should list

and goes on to another list

should probably started when we were

children

you should make your bed you should eat

your broccoli you should get out of that

tree

you should study more you should go to

exercise

you should you should you should you

should you should

and by now you know starting a sentence

with the word you

creates defensiveness should

is a shame word and it comes with the

finger

no not that finger this finger

how many of you know that this is called

the shaming finger

you should

so when we hear you should as an adult

implicitly we feel the finger

in our chest or in our face and it

creates that sense of shame for us

invite each one of you to take this

simple one word exchange and practice it

on your loved ones on your colleagues on

your friends

the one word exchange can take

relationships from

a breakdown to a breakthrough it changes

relationships

it creates deeper meaning more

connection

more intimacy with those that you care

about

every human being wants to be seen heard

or validated

the one word exchange program will help

people

achieve that i invite each one of you

to exchange one word the word you

for i exchange the word y

for any of the other whodunits and

exchange the word should

for i can i want or i need

these will transform relationships

one word at a time who are you

excited to transform a relationship with

a daughter a grandson a wife a mother

even if they are the healthiest of

relationships

we will create deeper more meaningful

conversation

this system will transform lives one

word at a time

it’s simple it’s easy

just exchange one word

thank you