Changing Perspectives on Sex Gender Humanity and the World

when i was three years old

i spoke what to me was a very simple and

honest truth

that despite being housed in the body of

a female

i was really a boy now i made this

announcement in early 1960s rural

indiana to a large group of my

grandmother’s friends

in retrospect maybe that wasn’t the best

way to have gone about it

shortly thereafter my mother let me know

that if i didn’t stop saying this

some pretty unpleasant things were going

to happen to me

looking back on that experience i can

see a couple of things that i took away

and the first was a belief that there

was something intrinsically wrong with

me

because even at that young age i

understood that if it really wasn’t okay

to have these feelings then there was

something very not okay with me

and second was an understanding that

this was not an

okay thing to talk about even to myself

so i went into a very deep dark state of

denial

now fast forward to age 40. one evening

i was sitting on the edge of my bed

tying my shoes

when seemingly out of nowhere this voice

in my head said

i don’t feel like a woman and in that

instant

this fortress of denial that i had built

and work to maintain for over 35 years

came

crashing to the ground i was flooded

with memories memories from both

childhood and adulthood

of being teased and talked about

and shamed because even though i had

stopped saying the words

i’m really a boy people knew i was

different

and they’ve always treated me like i was

different

so in a moment’s time i went from

sitting on the edge of my bed

minding my own business tying my shoes

to

hear deal with this

it really is not possible for me to

adequately

articulate just how traumatic that was

at three years old i was told quite

explicitly

that the world did not have a space for

me

there was this unspoken commandment that

everyone but me seemed to be in

on that there are two and only two ways

to be human

male and female and with that

boys are supposed to feel and act like

boys

and girls are supposed to feel and act

like girls

so at the tender age of three i began

the very long

lonely and confusing journey of trying

to find

my way in a world that said that i was

not possible

chas bono is a transgender activist an

offspring of sunny and cher and he

explains it like this

there’s a gender in your body and

there’s a gender in your brain

for most these things are in alignment

for transgender people there’s a

mismatch

that’s all it is it’s not complicated

it’s not a neurosis

it’s just a mix-up

well you may be thinking perhaps

there’s something strange going on that

causes these people

to reject what they really are but

biologically

anatomically speaking men are men

and women are women well there’s another

phenomenon out there in the world known

as intersex and

intersex describes those persons born

with neither the standard male nor

standard female anatomy

these are people who are physically

anatomically

ambiguous they exist somewhere in

between

or perhaps beyond male and female

to give you a very brief overview

consider three areas of the body that

differentiate between male and female

gonads genitals and chromosomes let’s

start with gonads

don’t you just love conversations that

start like that

typically men have testicles and women

have ovaries

well there’s another gonad that occurs

that’s known as an ovotestis

and this is a gonad that contains both

ovarian

and testicular tissue some people have

an ovotestis and an ovary some have an

ovo testis and a testicle

some have two oval testes some people

have one ovary

and one testicle physical

anatomical ambiguity

now let’s talk about genitals and i know

you like conversations that start like

that

some people are born with ambiguous

genitalia

genitals that can’t easily or clearly be

classified as male or female

at one time the medical community viewed

the birth

of such a child to be a social emergency

just the presence of a newborn child

that could not

easily and clearly be classified as male

or female

was so challenging to our expectations

that birth was deemed a social emergency

well what about chromosomes that one’s

pretty easy right

men are xy and women are xx

well what about someone who’s xxy or xyy

or xxxy what about someone who’s xy

but all outward appearances are female

physical anatomical ambiguity

some folks with intersex conditions are

diagnosed very early in life

others don’t find out until years later

there is often a veil of secrecy and

shame that accompanies the experience

a lot of these people are put through

some pretty horrific surgeries and

medical procedures

without their consent often for the sole

purpose of trying to make their bodies

conform to the expected male or female

variety

it’s really pretty unbelievable what a

lot of these people

have had to endure

it’s just not as simple as we’ve been

led to believe

which brings me to perspective shift

number one

two are definitely not enough

we as a society have constrained sex and

gender to a strict dichotomy

and as a result a good number of people

have been left out

i used to think that i was really

different from everyone else

after all the transgender experience of

that part of humanity we call sex and

gender

is quite a bit different from what most

people go through

but as the years have passed i’ve been

able to step back and look at the big

picture

and i now understand that my experience

was not really that much different than

anyone else’s

who among us has not been told that we

are not what we’re supposed to be

that there is some abstract image of the

perfect human

to which we should aspire how many of

you have ever personally struggled with

what it means to be a real man

or an appropriate woman don miguel

ruiz has said that we humans are the

only creatures on the planet

who continually punish ourselves for

failing to be what we think we should be

and that no one abuses us more than we

abuse ourselves

if you can relate to that then you can

relate to my story

and that is key

we humans are a delicious mixture of

similarity

and difference we have so much in common

we all know how to love we all hope and

dream

we all know fear rejection and

disappointment

we all struggle with who we are and we

all

yearn for the freedom to simply be

ourselves

this brings me to perspective shift

number two

we are more alike than you may have

realized

even though we share so many common

experiences

and come from such a common base for

some reason we continually choose to

obsess upon

and harshly judge our differences

can you imagine a world where instead we

chose to embrace

both our commonalities and our

dissimilarities

what an amazingly wonderful world that

would be

but instead we hold fast to this

relentless pursuit

of conformity standardization and

uniformity

ever striving to live up to that

abstract notion of perfection

and always failing i believe

that if you and i will take personal

responsibility for changing the world

we can usher in a new era and create a

world that

celebrates the vast diversity of

humanity

to do that it is absolutely essential

that we start finding common ground

at first glance that may seem like an

impossibility

especially when you consider those that

lie opposite of you

on the political social or spiritual

spectrums

but if you will approach it with an open

mind and an open heart

common ground is always possible

let me give you an example i tend to

have some

shall we say interesting experiences in

public restrooms

because i have chosen for a number of

reasons not to physically transition

i use women’s facilities note that this

is in alignment

with laws and beliefs that people should

use the bathroom that corresponds to the

sex they were assigned at birth

even so i am regularly challenged by

those who feel i’m in the wrong place

this is a regular part of my experience

and is always on my mind every time i

enter a public restroom

once a man actually followed me into a

restroom

pounded on my stall door and yelled

you’re in the women’s room

he and i exchanged some rather heated

words through that stall door

and eventually he left

what is it that i’m supposed to do when

i go into a public restroom it’s not

because i’m trying to make

a political statement i don’t know the

answer to this problem we’re in a

paradigm shift here

but please try to understand

it’s not easy for us either

and yet even with such a contentious

issue there is common ground because

ultimately we all want the same thing

we all just want a safe space to go to

the bathroom

[Applause]

this brings me to perspective shift

number three

there is always common ground and it’s

worth the effort to find because

once we’re able to relate to those we

view as different

it becomes easier to stop pushing

against one another

and start finding solutions

well you may want to counter what about

people who don’t care about common

ground

people who aren’t interested in finding

solutions people who i believe are

trying to take this world in a very

dangerous direction

what about them well what about them

look all you can do is all you can do

and there are always going to be people

out there who see the world differently

than you do

no matter who you are there are going to

be people out there who don’t like you

some people may actually hate you

sometimes just for being who

and what you are the key is

you don’t have to hate them back meeting

hate with hate

never leads to peace and never really

solved anything

there are a lot of people out there who

believe that i am mentally ill

i’ve been told i’m possessed by demons

i won’t lie it’s painful when i think

about

how many people out there view me as

something deeply flawed

or even dangerous over something that i

cannot control

and for most of my life it made me angry

bitter and resentful

but eventually it all just wore me out

and i got

tired of seeing everyone as my enemy

so i made a decision that i was going to

learn how to accept people for where

they are

it’s a process and some days i’m better

at it than others

perspective shift number four comes from

victor frankl

he was an early psychiatrist and

survivor of the nazi concentration camps

and he said when we are no longer

able to change a situation we are

challenged to change ourselves

simply complaining about things that we

can’t control

really accomplishes nothing i can’t

control what other people think of me

but i can work on my response to them

so be just a little bit kinder just a

little bit

nicer as you make your way through your

day-to-day life

be willing to learn how to judge less

and empathize more

and don’t worry about getting it perfect

because you aren’t going to

forget perfection we are always going to

have work to do because we are never

going to come to a place where there is

no room for

improvement or growth it’s all

part of the human experience it’s all

part

of our humanity kindness

is contagious and your actions have an

effect on the world

so learn how to love yourself and be

willing to appreciate

everyone around you that’s how we change

the world

i no longer care what society says

because i know there is nothing wrong

with me

i also know there is nothing wrong with

you so let’s go make a difference

thank you