How to Parent your Inner Critic

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[Applause]

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you

are not good enough you

are not worthy you do not belong

you don’t matter

and you are

nothing these were the themes

of my relentless judgments criticisms

and put-downs that i lived with for most

of my life

these were not the words spoken to me by

other people

these words were from my own mind

i was the sole owner participant

and creator in my own private

hell

my outer lived world by contrast

was one of privilege i had a trauma-free

childhood

people who loved and cared for me

good education friends

and i never went without the basics

my inner world was created in part

because i did not believe that i was

worthy of my outer privileged life

this belief came from the social

cultural world

in which i grew up

growing up in apartheid south africa i

was led to believe

that because of my skin color i was less

than

a person of white skin color

growing up in an exclusively indian

neighborhood

i was taught that being female

meant that i was less than male

and that my soul worth and purpose

lay in my ability to serve the men

around me

so while cherishing and enjoying my

ultra joyous world

i secretly punished myself in my own

private health

i never for a second thought that my

inner world

affected my outer world in any way

this illusion was shattered when i was

17 years old

at the age of 17 i happily did a favor

for one of my male cousins

a few days later he thanked me with a

box of chocolates

after thanking him i went to my room and

cried

cried because i was confused

cried because he touched my heart

cried because i did not think it was

possible

for a man to validate a woman for doing

her job

this was a turning point in my life

i didn’t want to live in this two vastly

different worlds

i knew that i needed to change my

abusive inner world

but had no idea how to

i knew that before i could accept

validation from the outside

i needed to stop abusing me on the

inside

i told people that i chose to study

psychology

because i was so damaged that i would

need lifelong therapy

and it would be cheaper if i just did it

myself

they obviously thought i was joking what

could someone like me need therapy for

i had it all trauma-free life

privileged upbringing people who loved

and cared about me

education freedom choices

but i knew i was serious

i felt broken but absolutely no

idea how to heal the massive divide

between my inner health and my outer

joyous world

psychology helped in that it gave me

tools and techniques that i could apply

to myself

some of which worked during which time

i felt comfortable in my body but

always for a short time

my first experience of mindfulness

gave me a sense of peace and joy

and connection unlike anything i had

ever felt in my life before

it felt real

natural and unforced

but again like with anything else it was

short-lived

because i could use mindfulness to focus

on my flaws my inadequacies

how i was still not good enough

maybe one day when i mastered this

mindfulness thing

then i’d be okay then i’d be worthy but

not today

in 2010 my mindfulness teacher saw how

hard i was on myself

and suggested that i practice only in

the loving-kindness practice

loving-kindness is mindfulness of the

heart

in traditional practice you start by

sending yourself

loving positive thoughts and then

sending these out

to others i was

very happy sending loving-kindness

thoughts to other people

but had considerable difficulty in

sending them to me

i thought that it was super indulgent

obsessive self-obsessive and completely

wrong

to sit for 30 minutes

sending myself loving-kindness thoughts

because i did not feel worthy of these

so why waste loving-kindness honor

nothing

like me

this was when my eyes opened

and i realized for the first time that

my inner private hell

was not private it affected

every cell of my being it affected how i

lived my world

it affected how i saw my worth

and how i allowed other people to treat

me what i expected from the world

it affected how i engaged in the world

i saw the world as unsafe and i could

not trust people

because i could not trust me

so with the loving-kindness practice

i decided to become curious about the

nature of my mind

my inner world

i clearly saw how i played both the

roles of the abuser

and the abused in my inner world

the abuser part of mum in a world

resembled a two-year-old

she was self-obsessed spoke

non-stop loved

repetition and said whatever she wanted

without thought or consequences

just like a two-year-old

surprisingly i found this part of myself

to be

rather weak and insubstantial

it lacked solidity

this is the mind element of my being

my abused part by contrast

felt strong real

and solid this is the part of me that i

refer to when i say

i for some reason

i had allowed my mind element to control

and dictate my life

completely ignoring the lived eye

part of me no more

seeing the mind as a two-year-old

i knew exactly what she needed the same

thing as any two-year-old

loving parent to guide nurture her so

that she can live with dignity

integrity and respect

i knew that the eye part of me was

strong enough

to do this job

during my exploration in my inner world

i noticed some strange behaviors

i was allowed to call myself

names to put myself down

but when other people said the same word

to me i took offense

when i said it to me i was being honest

and it was the truth

when they said it to me they were being

judgmental and critical

same words but this didn’t only

apply to words that i used it also

applied to the tone of voice

i was allowed to scold shout

demand order myself around

but when other people said the same

words or spoke to me in the same tone

i took offense i objected

in order to stop living in these two

different worlds

i needed to stop being a hypocrite

i needed to have one set of rules in my

inner and outer world

in this way my inner parent initiated

the one rule principle which simply

states

if i don’t like it from the outside

words or tone of voice

then i can’t use it on the inside simple

one rule

whenever my two-year-old my inner

two-year-old mind broke this wonderful

principle

my inner parents said firmly no

you cannot speak to me that way or

you cannot use that tone of voice on me

really firm and direct but with loving

compassion

the first time i did this i burst out

laughing

because it actually worked

nothing that i tried in my life until

that moment

could quieten or even tame my inner mind

parenting her seemed to be the magic

bullet

all of the sudden my inner mind

stopped talking to me as if i was

nothing

there was a sense of respect for myself

in this way i transformed

my inner world from a health

to a family consisting of a loving

mother and daughter

in this way i changed being a hypocrite

and having double standards

a different outer world to a different

inner world

in this way i brought peace

joy and happiness in my internal world

as well as my outer world

building on this early success

i took the parenting analogy outside of

the nature of my mind

and brought it into my life

still applying the one rule principle

if other people were allowed to take

time off

when they sick or rest

when they are tired or go to bed early

when they are tired

then so can i one rule

i eased up on myself

i gave myself permission to relax

to play to have fun

but also to feel my emotions to feel my

sadness

my grief my pain without judgment or

criticism

in this way i opened up to life as it is

allowing myself to live fully in both

worlds

i’ve transformed my inner health

into a joyous place i now feel

like i’m living my life with my best

friend

supporting guiding enjoying the journey

with me

laughing when we make mistakes holding

me tenderly

when i’m feeling sad or hurt

i now feel that my outer world is so

much more richer than it ever was

before

my connections with people are a lot

deeper i trust people

i connect on a human emotional deeper

level

i feel more deeply

i feel alive

my younger self wasn’t alive she was

existing this

current self feels alive vibrant

what would i say to that 17 year old who

cried

because her cousin validated her

i would tell her my darling

do not settle for anything less

than real validation

real acknowledgement and real love

because you are good enough

you are worthy

you belong

you matter

and you are a goddess

thank you

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[Applause]

[Music]

you