Loneliness is silent but it is louder than any horn in this world

[Music]

[Music]

before i begin

i would like to ask you all a question

have you ever been lonely

i think all of us at some point in our

lives have found lonely

it could be your timing away at the bus

stop or it was your first day of college

it could be a rough winter or it could

be years of struggle

but to a certain degree i think all of

us know what loneliness feels like

helpless alone sometimes you could be

with a crowd of people and you’re still

alone

loneliness is silent but it is louder

than any horn in this world today i’m

here to tell you about my story with

loneliness

just a couple weeks ago it was my

10-year anniversary of coming here to

the u.s from china

and on that day i thought a lot about

what happened in those 10 years

i remember i landed in los angeles

california on a

beautiful evening i could see the sun

shining on me and my mother’s faces

and the light it was the light of hope

but that light was also the beginning of

my road with no return

my family and i came to this country

with one purpose and that is to provide

me with a better education

so in less than two months i was

enrolled into a local elementary school

my parents started a small business in a

place that’s about two hours away from

where we used to live and of course

without the l.a traffic

because both my parents had to work and

they wouldn’t be back until very late

and they usually have to go out very

early in the morning to pick other

employees

i was held responsible for myself i had

to walk myself to school and back

warm up food with a microwave that

didn’t always work

and most importantly i had to cope with

being alone

so as a nine-year-old i was thrust into

independence and

never looked back at first i thought

well it can’t be that bad i just go to

school make some friends learn with

everyone else

and come home get going with my day easy

just like every other day i had back in

china

well true but there was this

one small problem back then i didn’t

speak any english

all i could say was hi nice to meet you

my name is

feng iji and when they respond i

wouldn’t know

what they were saying and all i could do

was stare back at them and

give them an awkward smile

i remember the first day of school all

the kids were looking at me from all

directions

and i didn’t know how to react

i just introduced myself and i didn’t

talk at all during that class

because i didn’t know what to say or how

to say

the teacher knew a little chinese and

she helped me with my first class

and then came recess all the kids were

told to go outside and play

as someone who experienced the chinese

education system i thought to myself

god bless america they let the kids play

here

i was so excited i was ready to go and

make friends

i saw a group of my classmates over

there playing with a handball

and so i approached them and you know

make friends

but soon they realized that i didn’t

speak any english and

i didn’t understand a word that was

coming out of their mouth so they picked

the ball and went somewhere else and

played without me

okay cool didn’t work out just try it

again right

i saw another group of my classmates

over there running around

playing a game of tag that got me

excited because i love playing tag

i used to play tag all the time back in

china i could run really fast

juke people and bam they’re it so

obviously i had to approach these

american kids and

show them what’s up

at first i didn’t know what was going on

i just got with them and started running

i didn’t even know who was it

so soon they realized that i was trying

to join them and they approached me

and they found out the same thing i

didn’t speak english i didn’t understand

what they were talking about

so they pointed out a direction and

signaled me to

go over there and leave him alone

at that point i was pretty sad and i was

definitely frustrated

until this one group of kids approached

me and some of them even looked like me

they figured out that i didn’t speak

english but they figured out that i

spoke chinese

so they started saying things in chinese

that didn’t make any sense

words and phrases and they started

laughing

and then they started saying things in

english that i didn’t understand at the

time

until later when i learned english i

realized that they were just making fun

of me

i thought they were trying to make

friends and i was genuinely

trying my best to communicate with them

as well

but man kids can be really mean

sometimes

i went home that day feeling horrible no

one wanted to play with me

no one wanted to talk to me i could

barely keep up the class

and i didn’t make any friends mission

failed

i wanted to tell my parents everything

so

i can’t even pout or whine about it so i

could feel better

but when i walked myself home that day

all i could see was a

small empty apartment with two bowls of

cold food

waiting for me i stayed up that night

and waited for my parents to come home

so i could

tell them about my day but

when they finally got home at 12 at

night they were so tired

that all they could do was hug me and

sleep till the next day begin

at that moment i saw the stress and

burden on their shoulders

so i learned to be quiet

i didn’t want them to worry any more

than they should

from that day on i felt like my life was

plan on repeat

every day i get up with my parents

already gone to work i walk myself to

school

i deal with the same thing every day i

come home i warm up food i do some

homework i hang out with myself

and i go to bed if anything good

happened that day i will find a way to

tell my parents

a note or something if anything bad

happened

i just sleep with them till the next day

those kind of days went on for three

years and to date

it was the loneliest three years of my

life

now there really is no point for me to

tell you my story

if all i wanted to do is make you feel

bad i’m here today because i want to

share with you my ways of dealing with

my circumstances and my loneliness

during those three years i learned to

choose

and i chose to dig myself out of that

small apartment in los angeles

california

and wade through the loneliness that

would drown me every single day

i didn’t speak english so i chose to

work hard and push myself to learn

i remember i will watch the garfield

movies over and over again just so i can

get the pronunciations right

boy i love that cat i didn’t have warm

food when i get home

so i chose to learn how to cook at first

the food i made would be either too

salty or sometimes i would

mix up vinegar and soy sauce but

you know at least was warm and edible

kind of

i didn’t have any friends so i chose to

study and observe how

the kids in my class played with each

other i learned their language

i learned their culture and sooner than

expected

i was in a game of tag

i discovered the power of decisions

and i also realized that the

circumstances and the loneliness that i

was subjected to

were just things in life i have no

control over that

but what i do have control over is

myself and my decisions

yes i was alone

but my decisions made me feel less alone

and it enriched me and helped me grow

during that time

to be or not to be i chose to be

just about five months ago i was

permitted to stay on campus over the

winter

because the kova situation in la was

increasingly tense and my family was

impacted and stressed i decided to stay

on campus so my family

wouldn’t have to worry about feeding a

six to 240 pound man

as well as 20 meals throughout the day

initially i was glad that i get to stay

here at middlebury

it’s a gorgeous town and i made friends

with a small group of people

that i was on campus with we had a fun

enjoy

snowball fights dinners during

thanksgiving and christmas

and we also watched the super bowl

together it was nice

but nevertheless i felt alone

during the winter i went through some of

the most stressful moments in my life

my parents almost got divorced my

grandpa in china was hospitalized

and as cherry on top i went through a

breakup

those things hit every soft spot on my

heart and it was hard to open up to your

newly made friends about these personal

issues so i dealt with them myself

during that time i tried to stay in

touch with my family as frequently as

possible

solving conflicts left and right when i

made those calls i could feel my heart

being torn apart

i could feel exactly what they were

feeling if not more

and yet i had to tell them that i’m okay

so they have one less person to worry

about

it was rough and in the midst of that

i asked myself will things be different

if i were with my family right now would

i be able to alleviate the stress and

tension between my parents

because cover damaged our financial

income

would i be able to help my grandmother

feel better by holding her hands and

tell her that everything will be all

right

and what i feel less heartbroken because

i am with my family

those questions haunted me as my stress

and homesickness grew

until one day i received a video call

from my grandmother and she told me that

my grandpa

was home and safe

she said the texts and calls and the

smiles that i

gave her gave her hope

and made her feel better and also give

my grandpa hope

i saw her smile and

she said she was proud of me

i had not shed a single tear during that

winter until that moment

and with those tears of joy and

reassurance i remembered

the loneliness and stress caused by

covet are just things in life

just like the first three years of my

life here in the us they’re not within

my control

but what is within my control are my

decisions when i persistently called my

family to make sure that everything was

okay

as much as it hurts me do so when i

wrote a letter to myself and encourage

myself to stay strong

for me and for my family

i chose not to be swallowed by my

circumstances

and be eaten away by the stress and

anxiety

instead i chose to stay and hold myself

together

no matter how painful it was

i am sure all of us went through our own

paths and tracks

during life and in this pandemic

and perhaps these tracks are still going

perhaps

we were alone and perhaps we’re still

alone

but please don’t give up don’t stop

trying

don’t stop choosing to be better

because the sadness the pain and the

loneliness they’re only temporary

your decisions actions and determination

will carry you towards the light

if there’s one thing i want you to

remember from my tech talk today i hope

it’ll be this quote by stephen r covey

i am not a product of my circumstances

i am a product of my decisions

thank you very much