Seeing the World through the Prisms of a Lazyeyed Realist

[Applause]

we are all lazy

in one or another way and let me ask you

this

do you know that there are people with

lazy eyes

oh yes in reality there are many people

who has this ailment

and it doesn’t mean that they’re tired

of seeing you no not at all

it’s simply because they have an eye

misalignment condition

called strabismus and i am one of the

many

who has this condition and by hardly

looking at you today

ladies and gentlemen i want to tell you

the story about my current reality

you know from the young frankenstein

harry potter to the man in black and

even lion king

pop culture has always had a tendency to

associate people looking like me

with utter ugliness and eccentricity

if you have ever paid attention those

characters

have mainly been portrayed as crazy

out of their mind or just bizarre

so i do believe that that has molds

society’s perception

about us people with not so focused eyes

or in other words people who has

traubismus

so strabismus is basically a medical

term

referred for an eye misalignment

condition where both of your eyes

cannot look at the same time at the same

place

you cannot look directly at the same

place at the same time

without one turning inward upward

downward or outward as you can see we

lazy-eyed people

come in so many different forms shapes

and sizes people who have been diagnosed

with strabismus tend to have

eye pain blurry vision headaches and in

some particular cases

people tend to develop double vision

where you see

images in a double as well as it affects

your movement

and balance which is not the case for me

and i do not need surgery to go through

my life

in my case specifically i cannot look

at the same place at the object for more

than a few seconds

before my weak eye wanders off leaving

my dominant eye

slash normal eye fixated on the object

alone and sending signal to my brain

you could have probably heard strabismus

being more commonly referred as

wandering eye crossed eye squint

lazy eye or how i once heard someone

hilariously put it like

recreationally oriented eyes not lazy at

all

as we have no control over them or

whatsoever

so growing up as a lazy eye has been

both a blessing

and a curse it was this unique thing

about me that helped me to shape my

identity

and who i am at the same time

my lazy eye has been the reason for my

all cheapest jokes

for now nearly 22 years i have milked my

miscellaneous for humor

every time i meet someone new i feel

the urge to crack wise about my lazy eye

in order to let them know that it is

okay

and that makes them uncomfortable being

around me tiptoeing around this issue or

being sensitive

about my eyes but in some cases

some people do not even wait for my joke

and feel the urge of bringing it out in

the most

embarrassing way possible i clearly

remember hurtful commands

that followed me around like are you

actually

talking to me or who are you looking at

i’m standing right in front of you

laughing as they say it because my eyes

weren’t entirely focused on the person i

was talking to

those commands may always left me

angry frustrated and in tears

i do understand that that some of the

people had

probably had never intention of being

hurtful

but back then i had no choice no come

back

other than silently taking it

inevitably i started avoid making eye

contact as much

as possible in such circumstances where

eye contact became

absolutely necessary i forced my eyes

to look on the person by constantly and

excessively winking

and blinking just to be able to get my

eye focus back

in a hope to get more synchronized

eyeball movement

just for a little bit longer before it

gazes away

again and again

so all these unsolved commands had built

up a very strong foundation for the very

distant

and introverted mubarak that you see

today

by that point i started pressurizing

myself to do more eye exercises

wear eye patches do whatever i found

online in hopes that

i could fix it on my own and it would go

away without a cosmetic surgery

how naive hoping that people wouldn’t

even notice my misaligned eye

most folks didn’t notice but it didn’t

make me less

uncomfortable being around them you know

constantly

thinking about where my eyes are focused

at and

struggles with having any kind of

self-esteem

that affected my whole life

honestly all these remarks

indeed overwhelmed me and made me

question my

appearance and ultimately my identity

it is the small things that made me want

to spend less time around people

i didn’t feel like justifying myself i

was better off alone

at least i pretended to be

however now as i’m graduating very soon

and trying to build my

own career where i have to practice

socializing and networking

i became more self-conscious about my

appearance

before you say anything i know i know

that people

should not be judged by the way they

look

but believe me they are

as a matter of fact let’s see how many

of you sitting here today

have encountered the similar situation

where you have been judged

or you were the one who actually judged

someone by their looks

be it consciously or unconsciously

doesn’t matter

just think about it see we are

all guilty of that even the nicest

and kindest of all of us sometimes fall

on the trap of physical attraction

not to mention some other factors

so for all these long years while

contemplating who i was

i always felt like i was never good

enough i was always looking for things

to fix something about myself

i was never comfortable being just

myself

you know so at that times

i always had an idea that

i don’t know i would get happy one day i

developed

so-called addictions addiction of

self-consciousness that constantly

reportedly told me that

you are going to get happy when you get

a surgery or

as soon as i get a surgery i would get

attention

recognition and ultimately self-love

at that point i’ve developed destination

addiction

where i always thought that happiness

were somewhere in the future

i almost forgot i was so caught up in my

world of fantasies and fake scenarios

imagining how i would get a surgery

and everything would be perfect after

that that i almost forgot

to live in a moment and enjoying every

minute of it

at the same time how exciting the idea

of getting

surgery back then was for me it always

left me

with a room full of questions will i

ever be viewed

as who i was whether my family and

friends

will see me as the same lazy item barack

or i don’t know whether i will be

perceived as weak

and shallow for getting an eye surgery

these questions were indeed hard to

answer

but even though a scenario of getting a

surgery had a very small chance of

success

and it had to be performed multiple

consecutive times

just to get my iners fixed and there was

no guarantee that the condition wouldn’t

come back in a couple of years

i was still down for it i was down for

putting myself through it

just because i wanted to feel the

confidence of looking people in the eye

as the days that i was looking forward

all my life was approaching

i suddenly felt that i wasn’t ready

i wasn’t ready for it i didn’t want to

put myself

under the knife just because i wanted

validation from other people so badly

it shouldn’t require surgery to feel

just me you know it all didn’t feel

right

so i decided not to get it as i reflect

back

now i’m sure that if i went along with

that surgery

it would have felt like i’ve lost a part

of me

you know once this unique feature about

me was gone my self-image would have

suffered enormously

and probably i would have lost easy

going and goofy side of me after all

so i’m grateful that i realized that

sooner than later

the turning point in my life was when i

came across an article about how

self-pity

isolation and constantly finding fold in

myself

was actually destroying me and my life

and the only way to stand and the only

way to find that secret component of

happiness

that i was looking for my whole life was

standing

in a path of self-acceptance and

self-compassion

i reflected on this statement and

started making some active changes

towards it

and came to the recognition that i was

living my life under the shadows of

answers the shield of self-doubt

constantly running from the feeling of

embarrassment

disappointment self-doubt and

frustration

no matter how hard it was for me to dig

deep down

into my insecurities i realized that

i was tripped i was living my life

trapped in a victim mentality

where i just assumed that oh all the bad

things

happened to me and only me

and the worst part of all it was all in

my head

and at the time i was absolutely unaware

of it

i was just living my life under the

shadows of self-doubt and insecurities

and here i am today that shy

self-conscious girl

standing on this stage and sharing my

journey with you

as i walked down the space of

self-acceptance i learned one important

lesson

that every time i entered the zone of

self-pity

i would stop take a deep breath

and think of ways turning it into

compassion

by continuously repeating to myself that

it is okay

to feel sad or bummed out for a while

but it doesn’t mean that i should ignore

the problem isolate myself

turn into an antisocial individual

passing up on life opportunities

no i finally saw how being vulnerable

and compassionate about your

insecurities was actually an attractive

quality

after all but how

why i see you wonder and let me tell you

because this insecurities that what

makes me real

i’m not some pretense fictional

character right

i am uniquely me with my own special mix

of flaws insecurities and foolishness to

contend with

we just have to understand that every

one of us has challenges

yes today mind can be having strabismus

and you can be conscious about your body

shape

facial structure your hate

or your stretch marks so what

there are unique features in all of us

we just

need to realize that these small

problems over which we have no control

do not define who we are they do not

define how we feel about ourselves

so i started to celebrate my strengths

i made and still making a conscious

effort to forgive myself

i made a commitment to stop comparing

myself to others

i started looking people into the eye

again and making eye contact

even if someone will notice and decides

to command on my

not really focused eyes so what

so what i’m gonna put on the biggest

smile

and will be amazing the way i am

without overthinking it the most vital

part is

realizing who you truly are and taking

the first steps towards self-acceptance

self-acceptance and compassion can be so

empowering that it energizes you to push

your boundaries

and makes you feel comfortable in your

own skin

so i ask you this please fully focus

on accepting yourself and loving

yourself

without worrying about judgments

rejections and what would you look like

in the eyes of other people

it’s not important the most important

part

is discovering who you truly are

and that’s why it requires a leap of

faith

into discovering your true identity

there is the author of perceptions about

yourself

is you and it should only be you

because deep down we all know that our

inner world

is built from the perceptions and

feelings

we have about ourselves our own

identities

at the end of the day we are what we

perceive

right if you are in a similar situation

like me

if you are under avalanche of

insecurities and judgments of society

and struggling to execute on something

big in your life

i ask you this remember that

we never realize who we truly are

unless we discard who we pretend to be

so i call on you today not to be afraid

of accepting and loving yourself just

the way you are because each and every

of us

is beautiful and worthy to know the way

we are

and it would be a shame not to find out

your true

real authentic selves throughout your

lives

thank you very much

you