Awaken the Rebel Within Reject the Rules and Discover Your Truth

this is my daughter olivia

she was born five weeks early and

couldn’t breathe on her own

machines were keeping her alive with the

help of an entire

nicu team she was fighting for her life

she was so fragile that i had to wait

four days

to hold her when i finally held her in

my arms

with her tiny hand wrapped around my

finger

i looked into her eyes with tears

welling up in mine

and i promised her that i would do

anything

to protect her two years later

my son caleb was born nine weeks early

he was in critical condition i held on

to

every fiber of hope for the entire

ten weeks in the nicu

he was eight days old when he was

finally stable enough to be held

as i cradled his fragile little body

hooked to those same

tubes and wires i looked into his eyes

and i made the same promise that i had

made

to his sister two years earlier

i would do anything to protect him

as much as i had always wanted to be a

mom i truly

had no idea how fiercely i could love

to little humans my desire

to have children started when i was very

young

as i observed the world around me both

real and

on tv i quickly began to understand

the rules of becoming a mom the rules

seemed

fairly obvious and i think you’ll

recognize them

i present to you the patriarchy’s five

steps to motherhood

date a guy one with good dab potential

preferably tall dark and handsome get

engaged down on one knee

with a diamond ring that’s required rose

petals

optional but strongly recommended get

married

in a church wearing a white gown plot by

beautiful bridesmaids and handsome

groomsmen

buy a house in the suburbs and then

have a baby boom motherhood

those were the rules and i was a rule

follower

so i set out to find the future dad to

my future

children the first guy that i considered

for the role was my boyfriend marty

we always had so much fun together and

he was

super cute but that guy was

always getting into fist fights i mean

that’s like questionable on the dad

material aspect so

unfortunately i had to break it off and

i mean i suppose it was probably a good

thing because

we were only in the second grade

but in all seriousness i cannot recall a

time

during my dating life when i wasn’t

actively

assessing my partners for their

potential as the future dad

in my perfect little patriarchal life

story

during spring semester of my freshman

year of college i met a guy

he was hard-working and success driven

assertive

smart had a nice smile and a quick wit

we started dating he was my first

serious boyfriend in college

he seemed to have good dad potential and

i liked his family and his friends

and then we dated for three and a half

very difficult years

in fact during our first month of dating

i broke up with him he had gone into a

hot rage

about me leaving my books on his kitchen

table

so he hurled a heavy mug across the room

at me while yelling obscenities and

telling me what a piece of garbage i was

naturally i told him to never call me

again

grab my things and left and then

the cycle began he called

and he begged to see me he apologized

but he said that if i hadn’t left my

books on the table

you never would have been so upset and

that

is how every apology went from that day

forward

i’m sorry but if you hadn’t

i wouldn’t have being the high achiever

that i

am i spent the next several years

attempting to perfect

every little thing he ever said that

upset him

if you hadn’t left your clothes on the

bed i wouldn’t have yelled

got it always put the clothes away if

you hadn’t hit the snooze button

i wouldn’t have stood over you screaming

like a drill sergeant that you’re a lazy

piece of trash

while my spit hit your sleeping face got

it

no snooze button i didn’t internalize

his insults right away

but here’s the thing about bullies they

will eventually

get into your psyche and dislodge every

single positive thought you have ever

had

about yourself he slowly dismantled my

belief in myself

and my trust in the people who were

telling me that i was awesome

by the time he was graduating from

college and i had another year to go

he asked me to marry him i wish i could

tell you that i said no

but i didn’t in fact i enthusiastically

said yes and started

planning my dream wedding and our

wedding was a good time

and right after our wedding we bought a

house and then i was like it’s time to

have children right but when it came to

children

he used my desire to have them as his

ultimate source of control

so i modified the rules a little and i

got a dog

remington was my first dog and he was

the best

he had so much personality he was

determined and strong-willed

and very opinionated i had no idea how

much he was preparing me

for raising a toddler once i had this

for a child in my life

it did not take me long to realize

that i was not in fact married to

someone who was quality dad material

the first time i saw him emotionally

break my dog was when remington was in

the backyard

rolling around in something really

stinky you know

like dogs do i will spare you

the traumatic details but in that moment

i realized

i could never have children with him

i knew i needed to leave to protect

myself

remington and my future children from

him

it took me longer than i care to admit

but with the love encouragement support

of my family and friends i broke the

rules

and i divorced him i promptly

changed my last name back to weisner

and then i got right back on that

patriarchal train amy

back to step one date a guy rush into a

rebound marriage

gets it worst again date some really

great guys also make some severely

questionable choices along the way to

avoid turning this into the

taylor swift of ted talks i’ll skip the

details

but rest assured i definitely got more

dogs

finally after several decades of

searching

for the future dad to my future children

something truly remarkable happened

i questioned the rules why do i need a

partner for this

why do i never question these rules

where did these rules even

come from it’s the patriarchy

you know the archaic system of male

domination over women the one that tells

us how to look and behave so we can get

a man

gross my entire world shifted when i

started asking why

that well-worn five-step process for

becoming a mom

the right way suddenly became

utterly meaningless at 43 years old

i became a single mom by choice

that was and will forever be the best

decision

i have ever made rejecting the rules

gave me

the greatest gifts of my life olivia and

caleb

when people learn that i’m a single mom

by choice they ask a lot of questions

and i

am beyond enthusiastic to share every

single detail ask away

i love telling this story it’s the story

of my two true loves of my life

my children and whether i’m talking

about my decision to become a single mom

or to stop coloring my gray hair or to

get divorced

twice or to leave a job i hated i

embrace every opportunity

to encourage support and empower another

person

to always question the rules

to reject the rules that don’t fit for

them to be vulnerable

and be authentic to be a rebel

but when i thought about sharing my

rebel story on this stage

i was scared i kept trying to

academically explain why we all need to

join forces

to dismantle the patriarchy why was i so

scared

because i knew that if people actually

watch this talk

i’m opening myself up to the internet

trolls

the shame judgment criticism name

calling

and gaslighting that is rampant online

is frighteningly similar to what i

experienced for eight and a half years

with an abuser and internet bullies

they don’t even have to face you when

they’re hurling insults they just

cowardly sit behind a keyboard spewing

hatred

i was afraid of those bullies i was

afraid

of receiving their hateful messages

however thanks to my beautiful support

system of wisdom-hearted women

and a few men i was loved

supported and encouraged to move through

my fear

and tell my story to inspire others

to question everything you see the

patriarchy will tell you

to get in your gender box and follow the

rules

it’ll convince you that if you don’t

conform

you’re not worthy of love and that you

are to be bullied until you follow the

rules

girls here are your rules you must

date marry and have babies with only

boys

and in the service of men you must be

young beautiful virginal submissive

quiet

nurturing powerless and opinionless

be the caretakers of men and children

and everyone around you

perfect your body and your home and your

kids and appear perfectly ageless

your entire body should be hairless

except that on your head of course that

should be voluptuous and blonde

or maybe brunette but definitely not

brave

women who assert their power are called

we’re told to be thin

but not too thin be fit but not too fit

and what’s crazy

is that the system has manipulated us to

keep ourselves in check

to judge criticize and shame ourselves

if we don’t look young enough pretty

enough

thin enough fit enough

i have plenty of personal examples but

most recently

when i learned that i was going to be

giving a ted talk

my reaction was yes oh i’m so nervous

oh i need to lose some weight

we look in the mirror and we focus on

what needs to change

what needs to be perfected we

are doing the patriarchy’s dirty work in

our minds

all the time boys and men

the patriarchy has rules for you too to

be a man

boys are told to man up act like a man

boys don’t cry every message tells them

that the worst thing they could be is a

girl

because girls are weak

when boys and men don’t follow the rules

of the patriarchy

especially those who are attracted to

men instead of women

they are shamed mocked bullied

physically threatened beaten and

sometimes

they’re killed when they get emotional

boys are told that’s so gay or dude

stop being such a chick boys and men who

are feminine

will always suffer the harshest judgment

in a patriarchy

the artistic emotional and gentle

spirited ones

the passive shy and affectionate ones

the small

delicate fragile ones

feminine men threaten the entire system

a system of male domination cannot

survive if its men

don’t act like men but here’s the thing

even though men are in a position of

power in the patriarchy

it has set them up for failure too

according to the world health

organization

western men are three to four times as

likely

to kill themselves as women

why because seeking help is seen as a

threat

to masculinity a world

built on the belief that boys and men

must be toxically masculine

and that girls and women are inferior to

men

that is not the world i want for my

children

when i look at what’s going on in

society i see

too many parallels with my personal

experience

of emotional abuse shame judgment

criticism name calling gaslighting

remember that promise i made to my

babies i would do

anything to protect them it is time

for something to change and i’m here to

ask for your help

when i left my marriage i did it with

support and love and encouragement i

could not

have done it alone and i can’t do this

alone

we need to join forces against the

bullies the internet trolls

and the shame messengers in our real

lives

we need to shut it down to my children

olivia and caleb society is going to

tell you

how to live your life it is going to

give you rules

please don’t wait 40 years to question

those rules

question everything now ask why and then

ask why

again and again and again push people

to answer those questions thoughtfully

every

single time know

your value know what you value

choose your rules and choose them wisely

to all of the grown-ups it’s not too

late

we have a lot to unlearn

but we can do it together it is time

to start a rebellion together

we can cancel the patriarchy

i hope that you will join olivia

and caleb and me

thank you