Accept Yourself Because This is You

the following talk contains information

about eating disorders and descriptions

of bulimia

induced vomiting binging and self-hatred

hello today i want to share with you

guys

some of my own story

i still remember the first time i called

the psychologist

i was eight years old and i was in

primary school

i didn’t have a phone so i had to steal

it from my dad’s pocket

why need to steal it instead of just

borrowing it from my dad

the reason was because i was afraid

that my dad would criticize me

because i miss my mom so much again

i miss my mom so much because she was on

her

business trip and today is the third day

she left

and as an eight years old girl i

couldn’t stop crying

all the time i miss my mom so much

i could hardly eat or sleep normally

in fact i soon discovered that children

my

age did not really react so much

when their parents left them i was the

overreactive one so

my dad started getting mad at me and i

had to

steal the phone from him to call someone

that may help me

i caught a number a woman on the other

side of the phone spoke up

hello

i asked hi are you a psychologist

yes i am what can i help you honey

yes i miss my mom so much

while others can leave their mom why

can’t

what happened to you mom nothing

she was just on her business trip and

today the third day she left

oh so really miss your mom so much right

yes i am i couldn’t stop crying all my

families and friends think i’m crazy

she said to me gently

hey honey you don’t need to cry

it’s okay to miss your mom so much

the thing you need to do first is to

admit that

you miss your mom so much you need to

accept it

you need to accept that you’re a girl

who love her mom so much

and miss her mom so much when she’s on

her business trip

when you accept it you accept yourself

and it’s really important for us to

accept ourselves

when we end up this call you can call

your mom you don’t need to hide your

emotion

you can just simply say mom i miss you

so much

accept yourself because this is you

accept yourself because this is you

the voice of the woman on the phone

lingered in my mind for a long time

except that you are not so strong

except that you are not so independent

accept such an imperfective

because this is you

then i pick up my school bag and start

my middle school life

because of the sudden change of the

growth environment

i lost myself i was in the same

primary school where my mom worked which

meant that

all of the stuff in my primary school or

colleagues of my mom

because of this special care i

do have more opportunities than others i

became the leader of

many activities and became role model

pressed by everyone

the result of it was that

i began to think that i

was omnipotent so i brought this

attitude

with me and start my middle school life

at beginning

everything’s good but as time passed

things changed everything started over

nobody knew me nobody heard about me but

i still think

that i wear the special one

as a class monitor i always think that i

was different from

others everyone should obey me everyone

should listen to me

as time passed i had no friends

all of my classmates started to

point at me and shouting who do you

think you are you snob get out of our

class

for countless nights i was crying in my

dormitory

and asked my mom why me

my mom said when you stay away from

mommies and daddy’s productions

will you face the whole world as a new

fresh independent person you need to

know that

you are just a normal person

you don’t have any superpowers or

privileges

if you want to be stronger you can only

rely on your own hard work

suddenly the voice echoed in my mind

again

accept yourself because this is you

growth is a process of admitting that

you are just a normal person

at the last day of my middle school when

i stood at the front gate

of my school and looked back at the

whole schoolyard

i suddenly realized that it took me

three years

to learn that i was just a normal person

only by trying to be the best

can i be convinced by my classmates

only by constantly striving can i get

more opportunities

only by practical efforts can i make

progress

accept such a normal self

because this is you

eight years have passed and time has

come to 2021.

now i’m a university student

and i believe that everyone is familiar

with

eating but it is

such a normal thing that made me feel

pain and desperate

in fact in the past year i became a

person

who don’t know how to eat like a normal

person

in the 4th of 2020 i was officially

diagnosed with

eating disorder in a symbol and

understand movers

i struggled with bulimia and vomiting

everything started with some comments

people around me

started to argue about my figure someone

said

hey how do you eat the whole pizza on

your own have you ever

realized how many calories it is or

hey you get in some way didn’t you i can

tell from your leg

i suddenly realized if

i had done something wrong and i

made a decision i have to lose

weight because of the long

term restrictions on carbohydrates and

fat intake i had an almost

crazy desire unstable food and

food with high sugar content

one night i saw the chocolate cake

in the kitchen carpet and then

suddenly lost control i ate

it i’ll see if i’m a tiger i was even

not sure if i really used my teeth to

draw it

everything seemed like i was just

machinically

stuffing the cake into my mouth more

terrifying thing was it was just the

beginning

i opened the refrigerator and took out

all the breads

ice creams pizzas i started to stuff

myself

one two three four no it’s not

enough i open the door dash and order

the full-size pizza and six hamburger

i grab the pizza with my hand and stuff

it into my mouth

hard chewing without any emotion

i didn’t have any consciousness

then suddenly everything was frozen

a sharp pain came from my stomach

and i couldn’t straighten up i land the

cold floor

and i tried to call for help but i

can’t because my stomach was so

full i just lay on the floor

feeling pain of every breath

then suddenly a sense of cute washed

over me

you already insist for a long long time

why can’t you control yourself just a

little bit do you really want to eat

that

if you don’t eat this will you die

i kept shouting on myself

and i had a bad headache and i knew that

i must

do something to save myself then

i rushed to the bathroom nearly on the

ground with my knees

my hand clinched into a feast

and i used my index finger to touch

the bottom of my throat almost

stuffing the entire fist into my mouth

i kept stretching my throat pressing

hard rubbing crazy and then suddenly

the room is spread out and it’s covered

the entire wall in front of me

i kept vomiting and vomiting until i

speed out

the green bitter bile

my eyes were bloodshot

my throat was pierced by my own finger

and my whole body was limp

i was trembled and fell on the floor

i was so weak but i feel satisfied

at the beginning vomiting is still once

or twice a week

but as time passed it got worse

sometimes i vomited until my whole face

was full of

acid my body could no longer support

my in my legs could no longer support my

whole body

and my throat was lost consciousness

i sit on the floor desperately

i could no longer eat like a normal

person

everything is over even a bite of

broccoli would make me mad

i start to hate myself i hate myself

because i had a crazy desired food

i hate myself because i couldn’t control

myself at all

every time when i stood in front of the

mirror

i started to blame myself

you ugly silly can’t control soft

fist

as time passed i had a tendency

of desperation i was afraid of

eating with my friends even afraid of

talking about

food i was so afraid that

someday someone will knew that i am able

and i didn’t want others to see my dark

side

so i hide my own dark side

deeply until one day

i finished vomiting and lay on the floor

suddenly my roommates came in and she

shouted at me

what happened to you

i was froze and my mind was blunt

and then i cried i told her everything

about my bench eating and vomiting

i would just sit here waiting for her

response

i was so afraid because this is the

first time i spoke it out

she helped me up passed me a cup of hot

water

and then she said i feel so sorry for

you

and i know that you must have suffered a

lot

but i want you to know that everyone has

their dark side

and no one is perfect it’s okay

to have dark side

start from now be brave

and face your own dark side you can’t

vomiting all the time

but there’s always a way that can make

you feel better

start from tomorrow face

vomiting bravely and you have to

overcome it suddenly

the voice echoed in my mind again

accept yourself because this is you

accept your imperfect figure

accept your dark side

the first step of self-change is the

food i eat

i begin to

focus on the process of cooking

and eating i insisted on cooking every

meal by my own

every time when i cut the broccolis or

the tomatoes i would cut them carefully

to feel their tenderness and juices

and i will place the food in a really

beautiful pattern

on the plate and i started to

record the food record the taste of

each dish the second

step of self-change is enrich my life

in order to disordering my attention

i begin to

keep myself as busy as possible i

entered to a lot of

courses i kept exercising every day

and i started to translate my favorite

novel

so you may want to ask can bench eating

and vomiting

be stopped by all of these ways

my answer is of course not

in fact most of the time

i still struggled with the crazy desire

of bench eating and vomiting just like

this

day after day until now

i still haven’t fully recovered

but i have to admit that

i was much more better than the painful

self before

and i started to talk to people who have

the same experience with me and

encourage them that’s the reason why i’m

here today

if i can do it then you can do it too

sometimes we’re scared by our own dark

side so we choose to escape

we constantly blamed ourselves

in fact we really

should reconcile with ourselves

everyone has dark side and no one is

perfect

we are great because we’re willing

to face our dark side and we have

courage

to overcome it

learn to accept and imperfect self

because of imperfections gives us a

reason

to become better learn to accept

our normal self because of normal

so we have to work harder

learn to accept a self with dark side

because it is always easier

to find light through the darkness

thank you