6 Things You Should Never Say in a First Time Conversation
Hey there I’m Emma from mmmEnglish.
Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve met
someone for the very first time but you said something that
must have been inappropriate.
You felt that tension, that awkwardness.
I mean when you meet someone new, you really don’t
have a lot of time to make a good first impression, do you?
So today I’m gonna highlight six things that you just
should never say in a first time conversation
and we’re going to look at some alternatives to make sure that you
do look good
and make a first good impression in that conversation.
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In this video today, we’re going to be talking about relaxed
friendly conversations, ones that take place every day
at work, at school, at universities
but these are also the places where we feel most intimidated
and nervous because we may be trying to impress someone
or you know, perhaps it’s a more formal context.
So as I’m sharing these different expressions
throughout the video, pay close attention to the tone,
the intonation and the way that I’m expressing these thoughts.
It’s so important, you could say the exact words
that I’m telling you to say but if your delivery is a little off
well then it can easily get misinterpreted or misunderstood.
Make sure you try and repeat each sentence after me,
try to imitate the way that I say it.
Ask yourself: Where’s the word stress here or
am I using a soft tone or am I being really direct?
I’ll explain more about it as we go but let’s get started.
Our first one is
when someone asks you if you like your job
or you enjoy what you do.
So in that situation, do not say:
My work is so boring.
I can’t stand the people I work with.
When you first meet someone, avoid being negative
about your place of work. Don’t complain about your job,
your boss or your colleagues, even if really you don’t like it.
I know you might be thinking:
Emma, I’m just being honest.
But complaining like that really only reflects poorly on you
and studies show that you know if you say something negative,
the person that you’re having a conversation with will associate
that negativity with you
and not the actual situation that you’re talking about
and you don’t want that when you first meet them, right?
So instead, you could start by saying something positive like:
There are some aspects of my job that I really enjoy
but I have to admit, I’m finding it difficult to
work with a colleague,
get along with my boss,
feel excited about the work that I’m doing.
These are much better alternatives.
Number two.
How much money do you make?
And how much rent do you pay?
Do you know what, in some cultures,
this question is totally okay to ask
but for people who come from places like the US, the UK
and here in Australia, it’s not okay.
People would be quite taken aback if you ask that question
especially if you’ve only just met them.
It could make them feel quite uncomfortable and there really isn’t
a way to tactfully ask this question. It’s actually better to just
avoid it completely.
However
if you do really need to know this information
for some specific reason then make it an indirect question
to make it more polite.
If you don’t mind me asking, how much do you pay for rent?
Number three.
You’re nicer than I thought you’d be.
If you’ve heard about someone before you met them
or maybe you’ve seen them somewhere before
well you might think that that’s a really
great way to start a conversation,
that it’s a way of paying a compliment.
And let me tell you why.
Because it implies or suggests that you thought the person
was mean before or the opposite of whatever you said
so if you said:
You’re so much prettier than I thought you’d be.
It kind of suggests that you thought they were ugly,
it’s not a good way to start a conversation.
If you want to pay someone a compliment then just
keep it simple and say it straight.
You’re a lovely person.
You’re so kind.
That way there’s no confusion.
All right. Number four.
Sarah is really lazy.
I mean this applies to any negative comment about
a colleague or a friend or a classmate.
When you meet someone for the first time, you might point out
friends or colleagues, other people in the office
and share some information about these people.
But like I mentioned before, when you are gonna say
something negative about someone,
that negativity just reflects on you
right? Even if you’re talking about someone else
it just makes you sound
not very nice yourself.
So instead of saying that Sarah is lazy, you could say:
We’re all quite hard workers
some work a bit harder than others.
Notice I’m not saying any specific names?
Okay next one.
You look so tired!
You look so fat today!
Now in some countries implying someone is fat is okay
because it signifies wealth
but in other countries including most English-speaking countries,
it’s really inappropriate to highlight someone’s appearance
in a negative way.
There’s no
say this instead here right?
If you notice that someone has put on a little bit of weight
don’t mention it at all.
If you think someone’s pregnant, don’t say anything.
It’s just safer to wait and avoid hurting their feelings
especially if you’re wrong.
This reminds me of a time when I felt a little embarrassed
and awkward in a conversation that I was having with someone
because I asked an older woman if she had any children.
She said no
but left the answer hanging there and I instantly felt
bad and uncomfortable because
you just don’t know when you ask this question.
Had she tried to have children and she couldn’t?
Maybe she wanted to but she never found the right person.
You know or something else.
And after the awkward silence, she said:
I know what you’re thinking. Everyone always thinks that
but I’m really happy. I chose not to have children.
I really love my life.
That’s also
another example of a type of question that maybe
is not always appropriate to ask when you first meet someone.
You just don’t know everyone’s stories, the background, right?
Whether or not you are upsetting them
or making them feel uncomfortable.
In that case, fortunately it was just me feeling uncomfortable
and I learnt a lesson.
Okay so if you do meet someone for the first time
and they look tired and you want to comment on it
well you could first start by making a comment about yourself
and say:
I really struggled to sleep last night.. how did you sleep?
So this is more indirect and they’ll be inclined to open up a little
rather than getting defensive.
So if you’re sharing that you didn’t get a lot of sleep
you might then allow them to say:
Oh gosh I haven’t slept for days!
And it’s probably then that you could say:
Yeah, you look a little tired, you look exhausted.
How old are you?
Now in some cultures, this question is actually really important
so that you know how to address the person that you’re talking to.
You need to use a certain
pronoun to show respect but this is not the case in English.
Our pronouns are more neutral so the question about age is
really uncommon. In fact, it’s unnecessary
which is why it can make people feel a little uncomfortable
especially if you ask it during your very first
conversation with someone
because there’s no benefit to you knowing it apart from
potentially judging them in some way.
It’s just another question that you should probably avoid
but if you do have to ask and not in the first conversation
but maybe in a later conversation then again,
try making it an indirect question.
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?
It’s much more polite and it gives them the space to choose
not to say anything.
So I hope you enjoyed this lesson and that it helped you to learn
a few new ways to express yourself during your first meetings
and first encounters with new people that you meet.
And look, if you have done some of these things before
don’t worry about it at all, we all have.
It’s not the end of the world.
And if you’re ready to keep your conversation practice going
then make sure you join me right here in this next lesson
and if you like this video,
give it a like, hit the subscribe button, turn on notifications
so that you know when my next lesson is ready for you.
I’ll see you in there!