REAL English essay corrections Improve your English writing skills
in today’s lesson we are going to go
over two essays I’m teacher Tiffany
let’s jump right in
all right our first essay comes from one
of my students in South Korea she wrote
this essay let’s get started
I have a lot of thoughts about my life
these days very good as I get older I
feel that decision-making is so
difficult more than before
now with this part we need to correct
this one it should be so much more
difficult than it was before okay
remember that pattern it needs to be so
much more difficult than it was before
let’s continue I think it is because
time is more important than the days in
20s now for this one the correction is
then it was when I was in my 20s
now this period of 20s refers to the age
of 20 all the way through to the age of
29 that period is called someone’s 20s
okay let’s keep going when I was in 20s
I was very enthusiastic well the first
thing is we want to make sure to
capitalize the W because it’s the
beginning of a sentence and we see now I
was in 20s so how should we correct this
one excellent job it should be I was in
my 20s very good now remember guys this
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other students okay all right let’s keep
going whenever I planned I just did it
to reach the goal the decision-making
process was quite simple very good I
didn’t care about marriage life now
you’ll notice I’ve already corrected the
spelling it should be ma AR RI AG e okay
let’s keep going my parents were still
in their 50s all right
now for this one I corrected it this way
because my parents worse
still in their 50s and the reason I did
this is because the first part of the
sentence says I didn’t care about
marriage life well what is the reason
for that well because her parents were
in their 50s and again you’re seeing
something that’s similar
she said her 20s and now she’s speaking
of her parents who were in their 50s
okay let’s keep going now I think I care
about too many things and I know that
unnecessary worries just make my life
difficult I want to put all my worries
in God’s hand how can i perfectly remove
all these complicated thoughts I need to
make my life busy again okay that last
portion right there was very good
now something I really want to emphasize
is the alternatives okay so we spoke
about the 20s but you can also say 30s
40s 50s 60s or 70s or 80s and 90s but
I’ve given you guys some extra examples
okay so for your 30s you can say I lived
in Korea in my 30s which is true for me
40s people in their 40s like to travel
or for your 50s my teachers in her 50s
60s her parents are in their 60s or 70s
I think he is in his 70s now for married
to life I just wanted to give you guys
some other examples that use life as a
part of their expression so college life
school life or university life so for
example university life is supposed to
be fun okay all right now moving on to
the next part of her essay I need to
make my life busy again it was a happy
busy day yesterday I started to attend a
new computer Academy they teach me the
things that I wanted to learn which
she’s speaking of those things she
wanted to learn before she started the
class after I finished this class I can
make responsive mobile websites now for
this one I had to change it because
she’s speaking of the future so after
she finishes this class she will be able
to make responsive mobile websites okay
all right let’s keep going I thought
that I am not good at computer
programming languages now she’s speaking
of the past so I was so I thought that I
was not good at computer programming
languages however except for the
complicated mathematics calculation now
this part should be mathematic
calculations i M should be I am able to
understand other parts well it just
takes times it should be time it just
takes time to think logically I will
take one thing at a time very good
expression it means to take things step
by step let us take what should it be
very good time to breathe in and out I
easily forget that life is everlasting I
won’t be hurry should be I won’t be in a
hurry
while living in the world everything I
do in the world is connected to the
heaven now for this one thus should be
taken out okay all right so great job
for this student there were some
Corrections but in general the ideas
were good now let’s look at the pattern
or formula that she used for her essay
you see the topic was thoughts about
life and we can break down her ass into
three parts first she told her current
feelings okay so she told the reason why
she has them compared them to her past
feelings gave some details about her
past and then mentioned her future plan
of action then second she talked about
her current situation she gave her
feelings about it gave her a future plan
of action and then finally she ended
with advice so the pattern or formulas
she used for si was good okay all right
moving on to our next student who is
also from South Korea her essay starts
off very good as well she says I am
looking for a job and she’s very excited
I’ve been attending to
yeutter Academy while I am looking for a
job so it should be while looking for a
job we don’t need the I am alright I try
to choose candidate companies carefully
before I apply now we use a term
candidate for someone who’s applying for
the job but the company would be a
potential company okay let’s continue
because I want to find a job that I can
work after I get married so it should be
that I can work act after I now you see
the red line is going over the after I
but that was just a typo or an error so
it should be only crossing out the work
work at after I get married now marriage
should be spelled ma RR ie D let’s
continue I want the company provides
proper benefits and care about workers
lives as well so let’s go back it should
be I want to find the company which
provides proper benefits and cares about
workers lives as well okay you see how
that is it seems so difficult to find
the one in Korea it should be that type
of job in Korea
okay that type of job that type of
company both are okay but I believe that
unless I give up finding it should be
but I believe that as long as I don’t
give up I will finally get the one well
instead of get the one I will finally
find it okay or I will finally find one
both are okay all right last week should
be capital L I got a job interview and I
just passed for it so this should be I
immediately passed it even though I
started to work from Monday this week
Monday of this week they did not make a
contract or they have not made a
contract yet or have not made a contract
as of yet let’s keep going
it was also my mistake I should have
said that I can start to work after we
finish negotiating about contract well
that should be the contract okay but I
am grateful that I realize should be
realized my mistake so early this time
through several experiences about making
a contract I learned how to deal with it
should be with these situations okay all
right now very quickly an alternative so
in her essay she said as long as I don’t
give up now here’s another way of saying
that she could say as long as I hang in
there or she could say as long as I
focus on my goal or as long as I keep my
eyes on the prize basically saying
focusing on the future and not the
current situation okay alright let’s
keep going all right the first sentence
just two days that I worked without
contract are not that bad or serious
let’s change that to working just two
days without a contract was not that bad
or serious okay we change the entire
sentence let’s keep going all I need to
do is make sure if the company really
wants with an S to hire me legally
according to the right process or not
the capital T balance between Social
Work and commercial work now it seems
like the student didn’t finish her
thought so let’s change it to this there
needs to be a balance between Social
Work and commercial work okay let’s get
going I got a job interview two days ago
this capital T is social enterprise
which works for social and commercial
benefits at the same space time the
biggest issue for me is the annual
salary I love their vision and goal very
good
they capital t are totally matched with
my dream as capital a far as I know
Social Work is mostly focused on
providing something or
helping to society the two should be
taken out helping Society or people who
are in need
now the next sentence take away the end
capitalize the a also a social worker’s
salary is not that high because of that
reason
next capital B but this company is in
the midst between should be is in the
middle of these two different concepts I
really wonder how they defined the
workers should be how they define the
workers welfare and salary if the
workers have to work so hard with a
small salary for the social benefits we
cannot say that this company is social
is a social enterprise I believe that
first they should care about their lives
and benefits okay excellent job by this
student okay now let’s break down the
pattern or formula she used for an essay
remember the topic was job search she
broke it down into three different
sections the situation experiences and
then her opinion so for the situation
she was currently looking for a job the
type of job she was looking for and also
the current job market situation and her
opinion about that then the second part
her experiences the bad one and also the
good one and finally her opinion on the
focus a company should have so great job
again there were Corrections but in
general the context of the essay was
very good now I hope you guys really
enjoyed this lesson if you want to keep
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