Learn English Hank Azaria This is why you should count on your instincts with BIG subtitles
Thank You mr. president it’s great to be
here why I wasn’t told I had to prepare
anything so I figured I’d just take
questions for the next 15 minutes yes
you at the back way down there no no I
actually although those of you who might
remember me from my academic career here
would know that that concept is not
completely far-fetched but actually look
I did prepare a speech today which you
know I’m very excited because this is
the first time ever that I’ve been
standing on the Tufts campus holding a
writing assignment that I can actually
say I completed on time so good morning
and welcome friends family faculty most
important to graduating class of 2016
yes even though that it’s interesting
for me to call you the graduating class
of 2016 that is what you are but you’re
also individuals of course each one of
you has a unique character of any unique
backstory if I were to play any one of
you in a movie which I admit is highly
unlikely but stranger things have
happened be awed casting for me to be
cast as a 21 year old female graduating
student but I’m a character actor I try
not to limit myself creatively but if I
were to play any of you would take me
hours days weeks to study each of you
and learn your traits your quirks your
likes your dislikes your hopes and
dreams and fears so I was given the
delightful and impossible task of
standing up in front of all of you today
and offering some words of wisdom that
would somehow impact and affect each one
of you as you move forward in your
individual journey some truth to apply
to about 1,300 bright young singular
minds so I wasn’t sure if that was
possible so like most Hollywood actors
I’ve decided just to talk about myself
for the next 15 minutes
I was a pretty good student but I’m not
kidding
they’ll be at they’ll be some points
I’ll sneaking along the way I was a
pretty good student until 11th grade
when a wonderful and horrible thing
happened to me I did a play I was cast
as King Arthur in Camelot and I didn’t
realize it at the time but I thus lost
all concentration for my studies I
desperately and passionately wanted to
be an actor and I actually booked a gig
on my very first professional audition
it was a product called Brooklyn gum it
was on Italian television and I thought
hey this acting thing is easy why am I
wasting my time on things like getting
an education when apparently I’m ready
to go out there and become a
professional right now PS I did not work
again professionally for about seven
years
of course my grades suffered in fact my
transcript was so poor my senior year of
high school that I did not get into any
of the schools I applied to I was
wait-listed here at Tufts and at Brown
and at Georgetown now I think it would
be safe to categorize my mother’s
reaction to this as a total freak out
she told me through gritted teeth that I
was going to get on a plane is the way
my mother talks by the way when she’s
angry appear at each one of these
schools in person and make some kind of
impassioned plea to get accepted into
college
so still consumed with my love of acting
I looked at these interviews this way I
figured well I want to make it as an
actor so I need to be convincing so I
thought of this is my first acting job I
really did I told each school the same
thing that it was oh it’s always been my
dream to attend insert' name of
university here and that I had I had a
really rough personal time senior year I
broke both my elbows in a basketball
accident which was true to be fair and
that I had a lot of difficulty
accomplishing my academic tasks this did
not work at all at Georgetown the brown
guy was considering it but the Tufts
lady bought it hook line and sinker
which is why I’m standing before you
today and not at Brown at Georgetown
truth the truth was though that I I
still did not see why I needed to attend
school to follow my dream now when I got
here I discovered that I loved acting in
the theater more than I even knew I
spent almost all my time at the arena
theater either involved in productions
or drama classes yes drama students just
take it easy guy but just hanging out
with the kindred spirits I met here at
Tufts over in the theater now I would
love to report that once I found my
niche all of a sudden that was reflected
in my grades and my transcript took an
academic academic or academic turn for
the better but I’m here to tell you a
different story neither one of those
things happen in actuality I found
myself here not really caring about
whether I was given an A or an F for a
pass or a fail
I studied what interested me and I
enjoyed it without really worrying too
much if I was going to be rewarded for
my efforts or not I really was only
concerned with what I was personally
getting out of it okay so at this point
you might be asking yourself where is he
going with all this you might even be
upset that I didn’t give you this speech
on your first day here so that you could
have saved yourself from a lifetime of
being buried in student debt just bear
with me so there I was I’m very grateful
to find myself spiritually mentally and
physically in an incredible institution
of learning that offered me
opportunities every day to follow my
passions and interests you know when I
actually went to class that is would
also be nice to report that at this
juncture I was at the very least able to
complete my four-year college curriculum
and call myself with a Tufts graduate
again not the case for me when I marched
with my graduating class in the spring
of 85 I received an empty empty box
instead of a diploma I was a few credits
shy now thank you yes
ever kind and compassionate the
administration here was good enough to
let me participate in commencement thus
saving my mother yet another in what had
become a series of freak-outs during my
college career so went to New York not
long after that I almost immediately
immediately got fired from a bartending
job apparently out in the real world
they do not appreciate it if you don’t
really care about how well you’re
accomplishing you’re given tasks and I
moved to LA now the good news out there
was I was lucky enough to audition for a
bunch of movies and TV shows my first
year the bad news is that I booked
exactly none of them so I sat down with
my mother this time I was the one
freaking out whining about the things
that young unemployed actors whine about
and looking for some maternal
encouragement my mom listened to me
attentively and then rather
matter-of-factly stated well I just this
is my mom talking again
I just don’t think anything is going to
happen for you in your life until you
get that degree and I said mom I think
you’ve just placed a mother’s curse on
my head and I would like you to remove
it
to which she replied now and she walked
out of the kitchen so with the help of
Doc Kalin Sherwood Collins who was then
head of the drama department here I
coordinated the last two or three
classes I would need to complete my
drama major and I had the credits
transferred and that’s why I’m
officially the class of Tufts 87 one of
the upsides which being that I can
believably claim to be two years younger
than I actually am which is very handy
for an actor in Hollywood
okay so what is the point of all this um
first of all and as much as it pains me
to say this and please don’t tell her I
said this but my mom was right
maybe not for the reasons that she
thought but completing my drama major
two years late made me realize that even
though I had taken my own weird and
atypical and borderline bizarre path I
could follow that road and get to the
same place that the world wanted me to
get to even if it even if I didn’t do it
in a quote/unquote conventional fashion
I could now put a diploma in that empty
box I don’t think it registered on me at
the time but the notion that I could do
things my way even if that was a way
that no one had ever done before
whatever care to do again it was valid
and unique and ultimately viable I’ve
always been a singular strong-minded
person which is a nice way of saying
that I’m very stubborn and I don’t know
about brown or Georgetown but I know
that Tufts accepted me as the willful
person that I was it allowed me to be
that headstrong fellow for four years
without ever robbing me of my
individuality now and as an actor and I
believe in any profession all you can
really count on at the end of the day
are your own instincts what is right for
somebody else even if that’s somebody
else’s most of society may not be right
for you case in point and this is one of
my favorite Hollywood stories I was
talking to Dianne Wiest who’s a
wonderful actress we were on the set of
The Birdcage where I played the
Guatemalan houseboy agador spartacus
thank you
okay take it easy you’re gonna hear some
advice from agador later so just relax
Diane had just won an Oscar for her work
her work in Woody Allen’s film bullets
over Broadway and I asked her about her
experience on that movie and she said it
was very nerve-wracking for her because
about a week into shooting the movie she
asked Woody
how’s it all looking and Woody Allen
said it’s you know it’s not good not
good
she said you mean the whole film are
just my performance
he said no just you darling the
characters not it’s just not working
she said well what’s the matter and he
said it’s your voice it’s too high and
it’s not convincing and you know it’s
distracting so she said well should we
reshoot these scenes should I deepen my
voice or something and he said yeah it’s
probably a good idea let’s do that so
and in that film
Diane Reese is speaking in a very
baritone hyper intense way covering
people’s mouths and saying things like
dude speak she won the Oscar years later
I was talking to Mira Sorvino and other
wonderful actors who won the Academy
Award Academy Award in Woody Allen’s
film mighty Aphrodite in that movie she
plays a prostitute with a heart of gold
with an absurdly high voice she
literally sounds like Miss Piggy from
the Muppets and once again about a week
into shooting she said there was a knock
on her trailer door and there was Woody
Allen and he said to her I’d say listen
it’s not working she said the whole
movie or just me now just you die just
you die
she said what’s the matter and I swear
this is true he said yeah it’s your
voice it’s too high it’s you know silly
and the scenes are not believable and
and you know let’s reshoot let’s reshoot
so Mira Sorvino said she took this in
and she had a good cry over it and by
the time lunch was over she realized
that she felt both comedic lee and
dramatically that she she believed in
how she was playing the character and
that the high voice she was you
was really going to work and she told
Willie Woody Allen as much and that’s
what ended up on the on film now and
this is exciting for me because I’m
finally getting to my point it’s this
one day a very powerful director can
walk up to you and tell you to lower
your voice and if you do it you will win
an Oscar and on another day that very
same director can walk up to you and
tell you to lower your voice and if you
don’t do it you will win an Oscar now
how will you know which is the right
decision you know in a moment like that
what you think anybody else might do
will not help you but if you Conda if
you calm down you will know what your
instincts are telling you and you know
which way right or wrong that you must
proceed so as you may have gathered from
my stories about my checkered past my
academic career is not why I’m standing
before you today let’s face it it’s
because I’ve been on The Simpsons for at
least five years longer than 95% of the
graduating class has been alive so in
closing I thought it’d be nice to let
some of my Simpsons characters address
you and give you their advice
when in doubt always pull out the
Simpsons voices that’s my first price so
let’s hear from chief Wiggum first I
thank you very much
let’s see advice advice oh yeah kids you
didn’t hear this from me but if a cop
even thinks that you’re gonna throw up
in their backseat they will immediately
let you go no crime is worth having to
clean the Yak out of a seat belt hole
also if you’re ever wearing a body
camera take it off when you go to the
bathroom that’ll end up on YouTube Moe
the bartender would like to say hi yeah
he’s all doing out there uh yeah all
right I didn’t have the benefit of a
fancy highfalutin education I I went to
bu
yeah at least top size of campus I made
you to not getting hit by cars on
Commonwealth Avenue approve the owner
and proprietor of the kwik-e-mart would
also like to say hello greetings to
everybody here top students and myself
we have very much in common we both
worship an elephant and there he is
tremendous honour for me to be staring
at an elephant remember please children
that in life there is nothing that is
not so disgusting that it cannot be sold
on a heated roller at a nearly criminal
markup the old sea captain has something
you’d like to say yeah kids remember the
sea is a cruel mistress
but Medford is worse so you’ll be fired
[Applause]
finally comic book guy would like to say
hello life is like the Star Wars movies
some of it is great some of it sucks but
you have no choice but to sit through
all of it very similar to the
commencement speech you’re listening to
right now you know most of my Simpsons
voices are either just good or bad
impressions of people I’m a mimic at
heart I became an actor as a result
because I really wanted to be other
people I wanted to be anybody but myself
really so imagine my shock and chagrin
when I discovered that while doing
impressions of people can be amusing and
even hilarious great actors even great
character actors are willing to utterly
be themselves in front of an audience or
a camera I didn’t realize it but when I
was your guys age I had to believe that
who I was and how I thought and how I
felt was inherently uninteresting and
flawed and not practical well maybe they
were and maybe they still are but it
wasn’t until I embraced the person that
I really was that my work as an actor
got really interesting I’m not
suggesting that you ignore the laws of
the rules of society or the laws of
common sense or the actual law or
textbooks or manuals or your teachers or
your advisers or the internet or all the
other sources that are happy to tell you
the right and wrong way to go about
doing almost everything just please be
honest with yourself about what you
think and how you feel about all of that
what you like and dislike what angers
you or scares you or saddens you or
inspires you or delights you those
feelings are called your instincts and
you ignore them at your own peril or as
agador spartacus would say kids just
please be yourselves and if you can be
yourself
please be Judy Garland from that movie
meet me in st. Louis
my god she got to wear such cute outfits
in that movie speaking of which why do
we have to be in these robes today
who is this flattering on you can’t look
good in this
I mean maybe we’re shoulder pads and
like a cinch belt it would all work but
I’m gonna stop talking now because the
sooner we change out of these things the
better yes congratulations class of 2016
[Applause]