Learn English Andy Samberg make sure its what you REALLY want with BIG subtitles
[Music]
students faculty parents grandparents
uncles that weren’t invited but showed
up anyway handsome young janitors who
are secretly math geniuses
and the homeless guy from with honors my
name is Andy Samberg and I am as honored
to be here today as I am unqualified
there’s a storied history of incredible
class day speakers here at Harvard Nobel
Prize laureate mother Teresa former US
President Bill Clinton and now me the
fake rap Weiner songs guy I’m also just
over the moon to be receiving an
honorary degree here today I mean never
in my wildest dreams did I what’s that
no degree so what I’m just like I’m just
like a professor or oh nothing then why
am I here
Dean Hammonds you like this crappy
speech then yeah I flew my folks in here
we go class of 2012 you are graduating
from college that means this is the
first day of the last day of your life
no that’s wrong this is the last day of
the first day of school nope that’s
worse
this is a day you know I to turn to
Webster’s dictionary and it defined
Harvard as the season for gathering
crops
and admittedly that’s actually the
definition of harvest but it was the
closest word I could find to Harvard
that wasn’t a proper noun and in the end
isn’t that what Harvard is really about
though planting the seeds of knowledge
that eventually produce crops aka money
in order to satisfy the farmers your
parents who pay like forty five thousand
crops a year to send you to harvest just
so you could major in women’s
agriculture see what I’m doing before we
move on the world outside of Harvard has
asked me to make a quick announcement
the following majors are apparently
useless as of tomorrow history
literature all things related to art
social studies East Asian Studies pretty
much anything that ends with studies
Romance languages and finally folklore
and mythology come on guys just study
something useful and play World of
Warcraft in your free time
okay anyhow all those majors now useless
unless you can somehow turn them into an
iPhone app math and science majors do
you guys are cool yeah finally
but 2012 is a great time to be
graduating from college sure the job
markets a little slow sure our
healthcare and Social Security systems
are going to evaporate in five years
sure you’ll have to work till you’re 80
to support your 110 year old parents who
will live forever because of
nanotechnology sure the concept of love
will soon disappear leaving us all
lonely robots ready to kill our best
friend for a lukewarm cup of microchip
soup but that doesn’t matter because
tomorrow you graduate from harvest
Harvard from Harvard
it’s where you will graduate now I’m
sure a lot of you were looking up here
and thinking what makes this guy so
special you know what is he accomplished
he didn’t even go to Harvard well to you
I say this I didn’t even apply too hard
okay
because I knew I wouldn’t get in boom
suck on that I don’t accept you the
Steam College I break up first I move on
and you see me with my hot new
girlfriend she’s riding shotgun in my
convertible Sebring that’s right it’s
the one that Harvard was always begging
me to rent and we went up the coast and
I’m just laughing and looking really fit
like is he even hitting the gym nope
just eating right and making positive
choices man I really wanted that
honorary degree well I guess the old
saying is true never trust Dean Hammonds
[Applause]
regardless Harvard remains iconic in our
culture one thing that sticks out in my
mind is the central role this campus
played and one of the most important
films ever made about social connections
and how we communicate I’m referring of
course to 1986 whimsical blackface Rob’s
soul man starring C thomas Howell as a
white student posing as an
african-american in order to exploit
affirmative action he was in Harvard Law
in that movie and that movie exists
now most of you don’t know this yet but
Harvard is one of the few schools you
can attend that can also eventually
become your workplace nickname who’s
that a mama is this in the break room
probably Harvard’s whose Vespa is in my
parking spot I’m going with Harvard’s in
fact once you graduate you can never
wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public
again without looking like a world-class
a-hole I honestly think the coupe should
sell University of Michigan t-shirts
that you can wear just to blend in once
you’re out of here and to clarify when I
say the coupe I mean your campus
bookstore and not famous film actor
Bradley Cooper whom I also refer to as
the coupe and who also sells books and
sweatshirts in his free time
speaking of fame Harford has many famous
alumni Mark Zuckerberg Bill Gates just a
few ex students that started successful
businesses after dropping out which
means if you’re in this crowd today and
graduating you’re destined to be a
massive failure sorry those are just the
facts also a fact class day is a
terrible name for a day when you don’t
have to go to class like ever again it’s
pretty much like calling New Year’s Eve
so bride a night hey you going out for
sobriety night yeah it’s gonna suck and
now on a more literary note I’d like to
read a poem by the great WB Yeats which
is actually pronounced Yeats a lot of
people don’t know that thanks for the
heads-up Barney Frank
anyways this is a truly beautiful and
poignant passage from the 1929
collection the winding stair and other
poems and I think it’s especially
applicable to today’s ceremonies it goes
like this this is how we do it this is
how to win it it’s Friday night and I
feel all right hit the shore cuz I’m
faded honey’s in the streets say money
yeah we made it there’s more but you get
it classic heats an important poet now
while I am truly excited to be here
today I’ll be honest at 33 years of age
I haven’t indoors or lived that much
more than you guys so in order to give
you a broader scope of what’s to come I
reached out and asked for some words of
wisdom from some people that I thought
were relevant to your experience here
the aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg who
was a Harvard student was kind enough to
send me some remarks that I will relate
to you now oh hey guys it’s me mark or
as my friend Kofi Annan calls me
chuckleberry Finn he thought of that I
just wanted to give a quick congrats to
you all but really more of a congrats to
me you know since I left things have
gone so good you guys like a
six-year-olds fantasy of the future good
in fact I recently completed the Harvard
trifecta start your own company have a
movie made about you and marry an Asian
doctor trifecta
so everyone out there be sure to upgrade
to Timeline and lay off the Pinocchio’s
pizza I went to Harvard that’s what he
had to say I also asked for you know the
local experience I asked Massachusetts
native Mark Wahlberg to send over some
thoughts for you guys and here’s what he
had to say hey Harvard how’s it going so
you guys are graduating huh I think
that’s great
hey we should do a film together what do
you think guys are super smart right I
used two prosthetic penis at Boogie
Nights okay just think about it say hi
to your mother for me okay he asked me
to say that to you guys and then finally
I asked Bloch blockbuster superstar Nic
Cage for some remarks now I realize he
didn’t go to Harvard and he’s not from
Boston but he has a special connection
to this place that I’ll let him explain
here’s what he wrote good afternoon
as I write to you I’m currently digging
a tunnel into the bowels of the Widener
Library when I finally breach its mighty
walls I will steal the legendary
Gutenberg Bible and return it to its
rightful owner
Steve Guttenberg you know I’ve seen some
weird stuff in my day in Istanbul I saw
a small child swallow a pelican hole in
the Sahara Desert I saw a herd of oxen
fly into a portal and disappear from our
world forever but no matter what I’ve
seen there’s been one thing I’ve held to
be true love is the most powerful force
this universe has to offer and we should
show kindness to all around us
with the exception of Dean Hammonds who
was a filthy liar
and that my friends is the true meaning
of Hanukkah I’d love to keep writing but
now the time has come for me to ride on
to my next adventure what’s that you ask
simple I’m gonna have sex with the
statue of John Harvard and those are my
three impressions thank you guys
late night television led me straight
here now we’ve been paying a lot of
attention to the students here today but
I want to take a moment and acknowledge
all the parents in particular I want to
give a shout out to all the moms in the
house give it up absolutely our moms our
moms put up with so much and they ask
for so little and as I look out at all
the beautiful mothers here today I can’t
help but be filled with an overwhelming
sense of horniness
oh yes
you’re a fine crop indeed and I likes me
some older ladies they know how to do
stuff you know what I mean so to all the
moms open invitation
nobody gots to know about it now before
all you dads out there get upset I mean
no just no disrespect really and you got
to be something special if you’ve got
such fine ladies on your arms in fact as
they look at all these strong loyal men
I can’t help but be filled with an
overwhelming sense of horniness
oh yes see a lot of silver foxes out
there today and Harvard eight sheep
where my sugar daddies act yeah I see
you you don’t have to raise your hand
open invitation gentlemen nobody gets to
new
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and now I’d like to get a little serious
as you move forward in the world there
will be obstacles but every challenge is
a chance for success you know what I’m
sorry I had a whole inspirational
section of this prepared but it just
feels phony now so I’m gonna scrap these
scripted words and just speak to you
guys from the heart yeah this stuff is
much more from the heart look the things
I’m about to say to you aren’t to make
any friends and they’re not for some
cheap applause okay it’s real talk and
it comes from my soul so listen up
Yale sucks balls am i right Cheers
they’re the worst Yael asked me to do
their class Day speech but I could make
it to the stage because I kept slipping
in all their drool it’s like a
second-tier safety school in the worst
city in America
guys I’m kidding New Haven’s nicer now
then we Rwanda little known fact about
Yale it was built on top of an ancient
Native American toilet meat it’s no
wonder they’re called the Bulldogs
they’re a bunch of big-headed inbreds
with breathing problems and that comes
with my apologies to any inbreds here
today don’t let anyone compare you to a
Yalie and look this all might sound
harsh but in truth Yale is basically a
sewer filled with mold people only
replace the word people with stinky
dried up dog turds that hate laughter
and puppies and that’s my heart stuff
you guys from my soul for some of you
who might have been tough to hear but I
felt it was my duty to give it to you
straight
also quick confession I know literally
nothing about you but I will say this
darkness can burn in hell
ah class day you know it’s hard to know
where life will take you from here what
adventures will have which sitcoms
you’ll write for but my advice to you is
simple relax dude you just finished
college at Harvard you worked so hard
trust me you’re gonna kill it I went to
Santa Cruz and then I transferred to
film school and I’m rich okay and I
don’t mean spiritually rich or any
hippie crap like that I’m talking about
racks on racks believe it I’m being a
little hyperbolic to seem cool but I am
up against mother Teresa on this thing
okay have you guys YouTube her class Day
speech she was like krumping and
throwing bags of money into the crowd
I’m gonna take some liberties but in the
days ahead a lot of people will tell you
to trust your instincts and don’t be
afraid to take chances and I am
definitely one of those people but I
would also say this don’t rush into the
next phase of your life whether it’s
grad school at Harvard or grad school at
MIT or massively disappointing your
parents by exploring your art made out
of garbage thing whatever it is you try
make sure it’s what you really want to
do because the only person who knows
what that is is you and if all else
fails just remember these beautiful
words from the film Dead Poets Society
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
which now that I’ve said out loud did
not quite drive home my point as much as
I had hoped
in fact I’m realizing that only like 7%
of what I’ve said today has been at all
helpful or even passable as English but
in the end I feel I’m only truly
qualified to give you three simple tips
on how to succeed in life one cut a hole
in a box
to put your junk in said box three make
her or him open the box and that’s the
way you do it also I can’t believe I’m
about to say this but Dean Hammonds I
forgive you
bygones be bygones I’ve already got that
sweet degree from Santa Cruz and film
school anyways so thank you graduates
Godspeed and congratulations play the
ease
you