English Speech Amy Poehler Dont Do It Alone with Big Subtitles
years I am honored that you chose me to
help you celebrate your graduation today
I can only assume I am here today
because of my subtle and layered work in
a timeless classic entitled deuce
Bigalow male gigolo and for that I say
you’re welcome I’m truly truly delighted
to be here at Harvard I graduated from
Boston College which some call the
Harvard of Boston’s
but we all know that Harvard is the
Harvard of Harvard and you can quote me
on that I have to admit I’m very
surprised to be here because like so
many of you I was pretty convinced the
rapture was gonna happen
show of hands how many of you woke up on
Sunday and thought you’re kidding me I
sold all of my belongings I told my boss
to shove it and we’re still here I
understand how you feel I am so mad at
heaven right now so I tried to write
today’s speech the way I wrote
everything in college stayed up all
night typing on a cannon word processor
while listening to Sir mix-a-lot
to be fair first I took a nap I ate a
large pretzel I cried a little bit and
then I went to see that movie Fast Five
and I’m here to tell you life is like a
heist that requires good drivers an
explosives expert a hot girl who doubles
as a master of disguise and this is a
hard and fast rule if the rock shows up
they’re on to you but the class of 2011
did not invite me here to tell jokes
they invited me here to talk about the
recent tensions between oil traders and
regulators of the Commodity Futures
Trading Commission
I’m sure we all read the New York Times
this morning which posited that there
may be a complex scheme that relied on
the close relationships between physical
oil prices and the prices of financial
futures which of course as we all know
moves in parallel what do I know about
Harvard I know it is the oldest American
University I know it provides the
ultimate experience
in higher learning and according to the
movies I know it is filled with people
who get rich by either inventing things
or suing the people who claim they stole
their inventions let me be clear I
believe everything I see in movies and
if you remember anything I say today
remember this every single thing you see
in movies is real so what do the fine
students of 2011 need to hear from me if
I wanted to give you advice as a
Bostonian I would remind you that just
because you’re wicked smaht it doesn’t
mean you’re better than me and I would
also want to say good for you for
working so hard he graduated from haben
huh must be nice
if I wanted to give you advice as a New
Yorker I’d tell you excuse me ma’am
could you move please don’t walk in the
bike lane
get off the bike lane please and I would
also like to take a moment to inform you
as a New Yorker and as my cought cab
driver did recently that Bloomberg
pretends to take the subway but we all
know that’s a bunch of baloney if I
wanted to give you advice as an actor
that would tell you this don’t do it
don’t be one there are too many I have a
lot of talented friends who aren’t
working sorry no more room at the end I
bet you’re great but um just work with
the human genome instead you’re all
smart and sophisticated people you know
the world in a way that my generation
never did because of that I realize I
don’t have much advice to give to you in
many ways I learned from you I don’t
have many answers just questions
specifically when I use FaceTime on my
iPad and I’m talking to someone and I
take a picture sometimes the screen
freezes how do I fix that
all I can tell you today is what I’ve
learned when I have discovered as a
person in this world and that is this
you can’t do it alone as you navigate
through the rest of your life be open to
collaboration other people and other
people’s ideas are often better than
your own find a group of people who
challenge and inspire you spend a lot of
time with them and it will change your
life
no one is here today because they did it
on their own
okay maybe Josh but he’s just a
straight-up weirdo you’re all here today
because someone gave you strength helped
you held you in the palm of their hand
God Allah Buddha gaga
whomever you pray to they have helped
you get here that should make you feel
less alone and less scared because it
has been a scary 10 years you were young
children when you watched planes hit the
World Trade Center you quickly
understood what it was like to feel out
of control your formative teenage years
were filled with orange alerts and rogue
waves and unaccomplished missions for my
generation it was aids we all grow up
afraid of something your generation had
to get used to taking off your shoes at
the airport my generation had to get
used to
awkward PSAs from boys to men telling us
to use protection but during those tough
times we realize how wonderful it felt
to be part of a group but more about me
I moved to Chicago in the early nineteen
ninety ninety s and I studied
improvisation there I learned some rules
that I try to apply still today listen
say yes live in the moment make sure you
play with people who have your back make
big choices early and often don’t start
a scene where two people are talking
about jumping out of a plane start the
scene having already jumped if you’re
scared look in your partner’s eyes you
will feel better
this advice has come in handy and it it
would often be something I would think
about when I would perform on Saturday
Night Live live television can be very
nerve-racking and I remember one time
being nervous looking into the eyes of
the host and feeling better I should
point out I was wearing a chicken suit
at the time the host was Donald Trump
he was wearing a bigger more elaborate
chicken suit I looked into his eyes I
saw that he looked really stupid and I
instantly felt better see how that works
I should point out that that sketch was
written by a Harvard Graduate and also a
graduate from Northwestern but who cares
about that am i right I cannot stress
enough that the answer to a lot of your
life’s questions is often in someone
else’s face
try putting your iPhone’s down every
once in a while and look at people’s
faces people’s faces will tell you
amazing things like if they are angry or
nauseous or asleep
I have been lucky to be a part of great
ensembles my work with The Upright
Citizens Brigade led me to my work on
Saturday Night Live and when I graduated
from that comedy College I was worried
about what came next
then Parks and Recreation came along a
show I’m proud of where I get to work
with people I love you never know what
is around the corner unless you peek
hold someone’s hand while you do it
you’ll feel less scared you can’t do
this alone
besides it’s much more fun to succeed
and fail with other people you can blame
them when things go wrong
take your risks now as you grow older
you become more fearful and less
flexible and I mean that literally I
hurt my knee on the treadmill this week
and it wasn’t even on try to keep your
mind open to possibilities and your
mouth closed on matters that you don’t
know about limit you’re always and your
Nevers continue to share your heart with
people even if it’s been broken don’t
treat your heart like an action figure
wrapped in plastic and never used and
don’t try to give you that nerd argument
that your heart is a Batman with a
limited edition silver Batarang and
therefore if it stays in its original
packing and increases in value watch it
Harvard you’re not better than me
even though as a class you are smart
you’re still allowed to say I don’t know
just because you are in high demand you
are still allowed to say let me get back
to you this will come in handy when your
parents ask when you plan to move out of
their basement
and you answer I don’t know let me get
back to you
which leads me to my final thought would
it kill you to be nice to your parents
they have sacrificed so much for you and
all they want you to do is smile and
take a picture with your weird cousins
do that for them and with less eye
rolling please and so class of 2011 it
is time to leave Oprah has spoken so I
will end with this quote hey yeah hey
yeah hey yeah hey yeah hey yeah hey yeah
hey yeah hey yeah alright alright
alright although the group Outkast
the song hey yeah the lyrics nonsense
I’m sorry I was it was really late when
I wrote this this is what I want to say
when you feel scared hold someone’s hand
and look into their eyes and when you
feel brave do the same thing you are all
here because you are smart and you are
brave and if you add kindness and the
ability to change a tire
you almost make up the perfect person I
thank you for asking me to speak to you
today as you head out into the world I
wish you love and light joy and much
laughter and as always please don’t
forget to tip your waitresses thank you
very much