Learn English Conan OBrien Life Is Not Fair with Big Subtitles
I’ve been living in Los Angeles for two
years and I’ve never been this cold in
my life I will pay anyone here $300 for
gore-tex gloves anybody I’m serious I
have the cash
before I begin I must point out that
behind me sits a highly admired
President of the United States and
decorated war hero while I a cable
television talk show host has been
chosen to stand here and in part wisdom
I pray I never witnessed a more damning
example of what is wrong with America
today
graduates faculty parents relatives
undergraduates and old people that just
come to these things good morning and
congratulations to the Dartmouth class
of 2011
today you have achieved something
special something only 92% of Americans
your age will ever know a college
diploma that’s right with your college
diploma you now have a crushing
advantage over 8% of the workforce
I’m talking about dropout losers like
Bill Gates Steve Jobs and Mark
Zuckerberg incidentally speaking of mr.
Zuckerberg only at Harvard would someone
have to invent a massive social network
just to talk with someone in the next
room my first job as your commencement
speaker was to illustrate that life is
not fair
for example you have worked tirelessly
for four years to earn the Diploma
you’ll be receiving this weekend that
was great and Dartmouth is giving me the
same degree for interviewing the fourth
lead in Twilight deal were they
another example that life is not fair if
it does rain the powerful rich people on
stage get the tent
deal with it I would like to thank
President Kim for inviting me here today
after my phone call with President Kim I
decided to find out a little bit about
the man he goes by President Kim and
doctor Kim to his friends he’s Jim Kim J
to the K special k JK rowling that just
kidding Kim stir and most puzzling
stinky Pete he serves as the chair of
the department of global health and
social medicine at Harvard Medical
School spearheaded a task force for the
World Health Organization on global
health initiatives won a MacArthur
Genius grant and was one of Time
Magazine’s 100 most influential people
in 2006 good god man what the hell are
you compensating for
[Laughter]
seriously we get it you’re smart by the
way dr. Jim you were brought to
Dartmouth to lead and as a world-class
anthropologist you were also hired to
figure out why each of these graduating
students ran around a bonfire 111 times
but I thank you for inviting me here
stinky Pete and it is an honor though
some of you may see me as a celebrity
you should know that I once sat where
you sit
literally late last night I snuck out
here and sat in every seat I did it to
prove a point I’m not bright and I have
a lot of free time but this is a
wonderful occasion it’s great to be here
in New Hampshire where I am getting an
honorary degree and all the legal
fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my
car you know New Hampshire is such a
special place when I arrived I took a
deep breath of this crisp New England
air and thought wow I’m in a state
that’s next to the state where Ben and
Jerry’s ice cream is made but don’t get
me wrong I take my class today very
seriously when I got the call two months
ago to be your speaker I decided to
prepare with the same intensity many of
you have devoted to an important term
paper so late last night I began
I drank two cans of Red Bull snorted
some adderall played a few hours of Call
of Duty and then open my browser I think
what the pedia put it best when they
said Dartmouth College is a private Ivy
League university in Hanover New
Hampshire United States thank you and
good luck to communicate with you
students today I have gone to great
lengths to become well-versed in your
unique linguistic patterns in fact just
this morning I left Baker berry with my
trippy berry to eat a Billy Bob at the
Bema when my Flixter Francesca was
blitzed jacked by some d-bag on his MSP
yes I’ve done my research this college
was named after the second Earl of
Dartmouth a good friend of the 3rd Earl
of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the
Barbizon School of Beauty your school
motto is Vox clematis and deserto
which means voice crying out in the
wilderness this is easily the most
pathetic school motto I have ever heard
[Applause]
apparently it narrowly beat out silently
weeping in thick shrub and whimpering in
voice leave without pants
sure school color is green and this
color was chosen by Frederick Mather in
1867 because and this is true I looked
it up quote it was the only color that
had not been taken already
I cannot remember hearing anything so
sad Dartmouth’s you have an inferiority
complex and you should not you have
graduated more great fictitious
Americans than any other college
Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy Pete
Campbell from Mad Men Michael Corleone
from The Godfather
in fact I look forward to next year’s
valedictory address by our esteemed
classmate Count Chocula of course your
greatest fictitious graduate is a
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner man
can you imagine if a real Treasury
secretary made those kinds of decisions
[Laughter]
now I know what you’re gonna say
Dartmouth you’re gonna say well we’ve
got dr. Seuss well guess what we’re all
tired of hearing about dr. Seuss face it
the man rhymed
falou soul with sass noozle in a
literary community that’s called
cheating your insecurity is so great
Dartmouth that you don’t even think you
deserve a real podium I’m sorry what the
hell is this thing it looks like you
stole it from the set of survivor Nova
Scotia seriously it looks like something
a bear would use at an AAA meeting no
Dartmouth you must stand tall raise your
heads high and feel proud because if
Harvard Yale and Princeton are your
self-involved vain name-dropping older
brothers you were the cool sexually
confident lacrosse playing younger
sibling who knows how to throw a party
and looks good in a Down Vest Brown of
course is your lesbian sister who never
leaves her room
and pen Columbia and Cornell well
frankly who gives a
[Applause]
yes I’ve always had a special bond with
this school in fact this is my second
time coming here when I was 17 years old
and touring colleges way back in the
fall of 1980 I came to Dartmouth
Dartmouth was a very different place
back then I made the trip up from Boston
on a mule after asking the blacksmith in
West lab for directions I came to this
beautiful campus no dormitories had been
built yet so I stayed with a family of
fur traders in White River Junction it
snowed heavily during my visit and I was
trapped here for four months I was
forced to eat the mule who a week
earlier had been forced to eat the fur
traders still I love Dartmouth and I
vowed to return but fate dealt a heavy
blow with no money I was forced to
enroll in a small local commuter school
a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the
Charles River that was a miserable
wretch and did this day I cannot help
but wonder what if I had gone to
Dartmouth if I had gone to Dartmouth I
might have spent at least some of my
college years outside and today I might
not be allergic to all plant life as
well as most types of rock if I had gone
to Dartmouth right now I’d be wearing a
fleece thong instead of a lace thong
[Applause]
[Laughter]
if I’d gone to Dartmouth I still
wouldn’t know the second verse to dear
old Dartmouth face it none of you do you
all mumble that part if I had gone to
Dartmouth I’d have a liver the size and
consistency of a beanbag chair finally
if I had gone to Dartmouth today I’d be
getting an honorary degree at Harvard
imagine how awesome that would be
[Applause]
[Laughter]
you are a great school and you deserve a
historic commencement address that’s
right I want my message today to be
forever remembered because it changed
the world to do this I must suggest
ground baked breaking policy Winston
Churchill gave his famous iron curtain
speech at Westminster College in 1946
JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament
policy at American University in 1963
today I would like to set forth my own
policy here at Dartmouth I call it the
coning doctrine under the coning
doctrine all bachelor degrees will be
upgraded to master’s degrees all
master’s degrees will be upgraded to
PhDs and all MBA students will be
immediately transferred to a
white-collar prison under the Cohen
doctrine Winter Carnival will become
winter carnival and be moved to Rio
clothing will be optional all expenses
paid by the Alumni Association your
nickname the big green will be changed
to something more kick-ass like the Jade
Blade the seafoam Avenger or simply lime
Zilla the d-plan and quarter system will
finally be updated to the 164th system
semesters will last three days students
will be encouraged to take 48 semesters
off they must however be on campus
during their sophomore fourth of July
under the Conan doctrine I will
reinstate tube stock and I will punish
those who tried to replace it with field
stock rafting and beer are a much better
combination than a field and a beer I
happen to know that in two years they
were going to downgrade heeled stock to
desk stock seven hours of fun sitting
quietly at your desk don’t let those
bastards do it and finally under the
Cohen doctrine all commencement speakers
who shamelessly pander with cheap inside
references designed to get childish
applause will be forced to apologize to
the greatest graduating class in the
history of the world
Dartmouth class of 2011 rolls
besides policy another hallmark of great
commencement speeches is deep profound
advice like reach for the stars well
today I’m not gonna waste your time with
empty cliches instead I’m gonna give you
real practical advice that you will need
to know what you’re going to survive the
next few years first adult acne lasts
longer than you think I almost canceled
two days ago because I had a zit on my
eye guys this is important you cannot
iron a shirt while wearing it there’s
another one if you live on ramen noodles
for too long you lose all feelings in
your hands and your stool becomes a
white gel and finally wearing colorful
converse high tops beneath your
graduation robe is a great way to tell
your classmates this is just the first
of many horrible decisions you plan to
make with the rest of your life of
course there many parents here and I
have real advice for them as well
parents you should write this down many
of your children you haven’t seen them
in four years well now you’re about to
see them every day when they come out of
the basement to tell you the Wi-Fi isn’t
working if your child majored in fine
arts or philosophy you have good reason
to be worried the only place they are
now really qualified to get a job is
ancient Greece good luck with that
degree the traffic today on East we lop
is gonna be murder so once they start
handing out diplomas you should slip out
in the middle of the case and I have to
tell you this you will spend more money
framing your child’s diploma then they
will earn in the next six months it’s
tough out there so be patient
the only people hiring right now are
Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels
yes you parents must be patient because
it is indeed a grim job market out there
one of the reasons it’s so tough finding
work is that aging baby boomers refuse
to leave their jobs trust me on this
even when they promise you for five
years they’re going to leave and say it
on television I mean you can go on
YouTube right now and watch the guy do
it there is no guarantee they won’t come
back
of course I’m speaking generally but
enough this is not a time for grim
prognostications or negativity no I came
here today because believe it or not I
actually do have something real to tell
you eleven years ago I gave an address
to a graduating class at Harvard I have
not spoken at a graduation since because
I thought I had nothing left to say but
then 2010 came and now I’m here a 3,000
miles from my home because I learned a
hard but profound lesson last year not
to share it with you in 2000 I told
graduates don’t be afraid to fail well
now I’m here to tell you that they you
should not fear failure you should do
your very best to avoid it
Nietzsche famously said whatever doesn’t
kill you makes you stronger what he
failed to stress is that it almost kills
you
disappointment stings and for driven
successful people like yourselves it is
disorienting what Nietzsche should have
said is whatever doesn’t kill you makes
you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and
drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11:00 in
the morning now by definition
commencement speakers at an Ivy League
college are considered successful but a
little over a year ago I experienced a
profound and very public disappointment
I did not get what I wanted and I left a
system that had nurtured and helped
define me for the better part of
seventeen years I went from being in the
center of the grid to not only off the
grid but underneath the coffee table
that the grid sits on lost in the shag
carpeting that is underneath the coffee
table supporting the grid
it was the making of a career disaster
and a terrible analogy
but then something spectacular happened
fog-bound with no compass and adrift I
started trying things I grew a strange
cinnamon beard I’d go over the world of
social media
I started tweeting my comedy I threw
together a national tour I played the
guitar I did stand-up were a skin-tight
blue leather suit recorded an album made
a documentary and frightened my friends
and family ultimately I abandoned all
preconceived perceptions of my career
path and stature and took a job on basic
cable with a network most famous for
showing reruns along with sitcoms
created by a tall black man who dresses
like an old black woman I did a lot of
silly unconventional spontaneous and
seemingly irrational things and guess
what with the exception of the blue
leather suit
it was the most satisfying and
fascinating year of my professional life
to this day I still don’t understand
exactly what happened but I have never
had more fun but more challenged and
this is important had more conviction
about what I was doing how could this be
true well it’s simple there are few
things more liberating in this life than
having your worst fear realized I went
to college with many people who prided
themselves on knowing exactly who they
were and exactly where they were going
at Harvard five different guys in my
class told me they would one day be
President of the United States four of
them were later killed in motel
shootouts the other ones briefly hosted
Blue’s Clues before dying senselessly
and yet another motel shootout your path
at 22 will not necessarily be your path
at 32 or 42 one’s dream is constantly
evolving rising and falling changing
course this happens in every job but
because I have worked in comedy for 25
years I can probably speak best about my
own profession way back in the 1940s
there was a very very funny man named
Jack Benny he was a giant star easily
one of the greatest comedians of his
generation and a much younger man named
Johnny Carson wanted very much to be
Jack Benny in some way he’s in some ways
he was but in many ways he wasn’t he
emulated Jack Benny but his own quirks
and mannerisms along with the changing
medium pulled him in a different
direction and yet his failure to
completely become his hero made him the
funniest person of his generation David
Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson and
was not and as a result my generation of
comedians wanted to be David Letterman
and none of us are my peers and I have
all missed that mark in a thousand
different ways but the point is this it
is our failure to become our perceived
ideal that ultimately defines us and
makes us unique it’s not easy but if you
accept your misfortune and handle it
right your perceived failure can become
a catalyst for profound reinvention so
at the age of 47
so at the age of 47 after 25 years of
obsessively pursuing my dream that dream
changed for decades and showbusiness the
ultimate goal of every comedian was to
host the Tonight Show it was the Holy
Grail and like many people I thought
that achieving that goal would define me
as successful but that is not true no
specific job or career goal defines me
and it should not define you in 2000 in
2000 I told graduates to not be afraid
to fail and I still believe that but
today I tell you that whether you fear
it or not disappointment will come the
beauty is that through disappointment
you can gain clarity and with clarity
comes conviction and true originality
many of you here today are getting your
diploma at this Ivy League school
because you have committed yourself to a
dream and worked hard to achieve it and
there is no greater cliche in a
commencement address than follow your
dream well I’m here to tell you that
whatever you think your dream is now it
will probably change and that’s okay
four years ago many of you had specific
vision of what your college experience
was going to be and who you were going
to become and I bet today most of you
would admit that your time here was very
different from what you imagined your
roommates changed your major changed for
some of you your sexual orientation
changed I bet some of you have changed
your sexual orientation since I began
this speech I know I have but through
the good and especially the bad the
person you are now is someone you could
never have conjured in the fall of 2007
I’ve told you many things today most of
it foolish but some of it true I’d like
to end my address by breaking a taboo
and quoting myself from 17 months ago at
the end of my final program with NBC
just before signing off I said work hard
be kind and amazing things will happen
today receiving this honor and speaking
to the Dartmouth class of 2011
from behind a tree trunk I have never
believed that more
thank you very much and congratulations
[Applause]
you