ENGLISH SPEECH MAYA RUDOLPH Say Yes English Subtitles
Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t
know what you’re going to do tomorrow.
But work hard and don’t be lazy. And put
away your damn phone once in a while.
Wow.
I was not expecting that green envy.
You just blew my mind.
I am so honored.
You can make me cry and I’m supposed to be
funny.
This is just going to be interesting.
Well, well, well, here we are.
Get all these beautiful faces and iPhones.
Thank you so much President Fitts, the board
of Tulane members and today’s honorary degree
recipients.
Good morning graduates, families and friends
of graduates — mothers, fathers, brothers,
brothers from other mothers, sisters, roommates,
“roommates,” grandmas, grandpas, Meemaws
and Papaws, Bubbies, Nanas and Boppas, Nany
Gigi’s and their special friend Herb, Aunt
Ronnies, Uncle Garys and people who met on
Tinder this morning.
I thank you for having me here to join you
on this special day in this incredible city.
I stand here humbled, gracious and completely
naked under this robe.
It really is a true honor to be with all of
you as you begin this new phase of your life
– as you embark on this exciting and challenging
journey of being sober during the day.
It’s going to be interesting.
I applaud you for being here today because
it means not only have you earned a college
degree, but you have found this arena despite
still having a blood alcohol level of 9.
I’m looking at you School of Public Health
and Tropical Medicine.
You don’t fool me.
From this day forward the world is filled
with endless possibilities.
You’re young, you’re in your twenties.
This is a great, great day for you.
Except for those of you leaving college with
any student loan debt.
I don’t know what to say to you.
I’m sorry.
I hope you win the lottery.
I don’t know what to tell you about that.
Back in January when the University asked
me to make today’s commencement speech I
was delighted.
So when I started writing it this morning
back at the hotel,
the first thing I did was
go online and look up other commencement speeches.
And then I got tired, so I took a nap.
I woke up, cried a little bit.
Ordered some Huevos Rancheros from Room Service.
Then I cried a little bit more.
And then I picked myself up by the bootstraps
and decided to go back to sleep.
And after I hit that snooze button four or
five times, I got up again and I did what
all of you probably did while you were pushing
through finals week.
I made sure all the apps on my phone were
updated, because that felt like the most important
thing.
And then I checked Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
and Snapchat.
I Periscoped my breakfast, I took 4 quizzes
on Buzzfeed and I watched Game of Thrones.
And as I finished writing the speech on the
car ride over here this morning, I thought
about just how deep my Tulane roots are.
I’m proud to say that my father, Richard
Rudolph graduated class of 1968.
And today my cousin Sabrina Rudolph is graduating
with all of you.
Sabrina, I’d like to embarrass you by asking
you to please stand up and wave at everyone
in the Superdome.
There she is.
I’m so, so proud of you.
Now please don’t sully the family name.
It’s very, very easy to do that.
Benjamin Franklin, Napoleon, Jay Z, LeBron
James, Lucille Ball, C-3PO – these are all
graduates of Tulane University according to
my Phone.
And they all graduated Magna Carta Holy Grail.
Now I don’t speak Latin, so I don’t know
what that means, but I do speak Pig Latin…
so I know how to say “I EAKSPAY IGPAY ATINLAY.”
It just means I speak pig Latin.
Now, I did not go to Tulane.
I graduated from UC Santa Cruz which is a
– Yup! oh, you guys know it – it’s a
little hippie school nestled in the beautiful
seaside woods of Northern California.
So, it’s like you guys have The Green Wave
and our school mascot was the Banana Slug.
We didn’t have a Football team, but in fact
we did have an Ultimate Frisbee Team.
That’s different, right.
I majored in Not Washing My Feet and Advanced
Zig Zag Rolling.
So, for a lot of my 5-year college career,
I was lost.
Like, actually lost.
Santa Cruz is mostly woods; you make one wrong
turn and you’re gone for days.
But, I didn’t know who I was or what I was
going to do with my life when I finished college.
I wasn’t any clearer about my direction
than the day I graduated high school.
I wore Birkenstocks and smelled like a patchouli
fart.
I’m only willing to admit
that now that Birkenstocks
are sold at urban Outfitters.
And then during senior year my father asked
me what I planned to do after I graduated.
And I told him “I want to be on Saturday
Night Live.”
That’s true.
But until that moment I never wanted to admit
that being on SNL was my dream.
I never wanted to admit that I was a Thespian.
And this was back in the days when people
weren’t really talking about being thespians.
Before Thespians could marry.
My Dad did what any great teacher would do
— he looked at me unfazed and said, “Great.
How do you plan to support yourself while
you figure that out?
And when are you going to wash your feet?”
He was realistic, supportive, deflected the
responsibility back to me and subtly showed
his support for his daughters’ pursuit of
a long life in Fart Jokes.
So I did what many of you will probably do
— I enrolled in more college and asked my
Dad to pay for it.
At the Groundlings Theatre in Los Angeles,
I studied Improvisation.
In Improvisation there is one hard and fast
rule, and that rule is known as “Yes And”.
The term YES AND: to say yes, and not just
yes, but to add information.
So, in the adding of information, you don’t
negate the other persons idea – but you
build on it.
So, it’s like this: If I’m in a scene
with you President Fitts and you say, “hey,
you’re Oprah Winfrey.”
And I say, “No I’m not.”
Then our scene would be over.
But President Fitts if you say, “Hey, you’re
Oprah Winfrey” and I say, “Yes I am…and
today Class of 2015.
Look under your seats because you are all
leaving here today with a COLLEGE DIPLOMA!!!
YOU GET A COLLEGE DIPLOMA!
YOU GET A COLLEGE DIPLOMA!
YOU GET A COLLEGE DIPLOMA! AND YOU SIR!
YOU GET A COLLEGE DIPLOMA!
WE ARE ALL GETTING DIPLOMAS!”
Almost lost my hat on that bit.
So, If I could give my 21-year-old self any
advice it would be take as many bikini photos
as you can now because your body is smokin’
hot.
And let me tell you something, it will not
be this bangin’ after childbirth.
But seriously, if I could give my 21-year-old
self the advice I’m giving you today and
if I had a time machine.
Well, if I had a time machine first I would
go back in time and invent the iPhone, cause
I think I could make a ton of money.
But if I must give any of you advice it would
be this: Say Yes.
Say Yes, and… and create your own destiny.
So hold on to your old friends.
Kiss your Mama.
Admit what your dreams are.
Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t know
what you’re going to do tomorrow.
But work hard and don’t be lazy.
And put away your damn phone once in a while.
And also, be nice to jerks because we still
don’t know the criteria for getting into
heaven yet.
Now go make your parents proud and figure
out how to end global warming.
I love you Class of 2015.