Learn English Maya Rudolph How to succeed as an actor with BIG subtitles
well well well here we are get all these
beautiful faces and iPhones
thank you so much president Fitz the
board of Tulane members and today’s
honorary degree recipients good morning
graduates yeah families and friends of
graduates mothers fathers brothers
brothers from other mothers sisters
roommates roommates grandmas and
grandpas Mema’s and pat paws bubbies and
Nana’s and boppers nonny Gigi’s and
their special friend herb aunt Ronnie’s
uncle Gary’s and people who met on
tinder this morning I thank you for
having me here to join you on this
special day in this incredible City
I stand here humbled gracious and
completely naked under this robe
it really is a true honor to be with all
of you as you begin this new phase of
your life as you embark on this exciting
and challenging journey of being sober
during the day
[Applause]
it’s gonna it’s gonna be interesting I
applaud you for being here today because
it means not only have you earned a
college degree but you have found this
arena despite still having a
blood-alcohol level of 9 I’m looking at
you School of Public Health and Tropical
Medicine you know fool me from this day
forward the world is filled with endless
possibilities
you’re young you’re in your 20s this is
a great great day for you except for
those of you leaving college with any
student loan debt I don’t I don’t know
what to say to you guys I’m sorry I hope
you win the lottery
know what to tell you about that
well back in January when the university
asked me to make today’s commencement
speech I was delighted so when I started
writing it this morning back at the
hotel
the first thing I did was go online and
look up other commencement speeches and
then I got tired so I took a nap I woke
up cried a little bit ordered some
huevos rancheros from room service
and then I cried a little bit more and
then I picked myself up by the
bootstraps and decided to go back to
sleep and after I hit that snooze button
like four or five times I got up again
and I did what all of you probably did
while you were pushing through finals
week I made sure all the apps on my
phone were updated because that felt
like the most important thing then I
checked Facebook Twitter Instagram and
snapchat a periscope my breakfast I took
four quizzes on BuzzFeed and I watched
Game of Thrones
and as I as I finished writing the
speech on the car right over here this
morning I thought I thought about just
how deep my two-lane roots are I am very
proud to say that my father Richard
Rudolph graduated class in 1968 and
today my cousin Sabrina Rudolph is
graduating with all of you Sabrina
Sarina I’d like to embarrass you by
please asking you to stand up and wave
at everyone in the Superdome okay I am
so so proud of you now please don’t
Sully the family name to do that
Benjamin Franklin Napoleon
jay-z LeBron James Lucille Ball c-3po
these are all graduates of Tulane
University according to my phone
[Applause]
and they all graduated magna carta Holy
Grail
now I don’t speak Latin so I do not know
what that means but I do speak Pig Latin
so I know how to say I ich spay pig pay
Anton lay it just means I speak Pig
Latin now I did not go to Tulane I
graduated from UC Santa Cruz which is a
yep are you guys know it well it’s a
little hippie school nestled in the
beautiful seaside woods of Northern
California so so it’s like this you guys
have the Green Wave and our school
mascot was the banana slug we did not
have a football team but in fact we had
an Ultimate Frisbee team it’s different
right
I majored in not washing my feet and
advanced zig-zag rolling so
so for a lot of my five year college
career I was lost
like actually law santa cruz’s is mostly
woods you make one wrong turn and you’re
gone for days but I didn’t know who I
was or what I was gonna do with my life
when I finished college and I wasn’t any
clearer about my direction than the day
I graduated high school I wore
Birkenstocks and I smelled like a
patchouli fart and I’m only willing to
admit that now that Birkenstocks are
sold at Urban Outfitters and then during
senior year my father asked me what I
plan to do after I graduated and I told
him I want to be on Saturday Night Live
that’s true but it wasn’t until that
moment I never wanted to admit that
being on SNL was my dream I never wanted
to admit that I was a thespian
and this was back in the days when
people were not talking about being
thespians it was before thespians could
marry and my dad did what any great
teacher would do he looked at me unfazed
and said great and how do you plan to
support yourself while you figure that
out and when are you going to wash your
feet
he was realistic supportive deflected
the responsibility back to me and subtly
showed his support for his daughter’s
pursuit of a long life in fart jokes so
I did what many of you will probably do
I enrolled in more College and asked my
dad to pay for it at The Groundlings
theater in Los Angeles
I studied improvisation and in
improvisation
there is one hard and fast rule and that
rule is known as yes and the term yes
and to say yes and not just yes but to
add information so in the adding of
information you don’t negate the other
person’s idea but in fact you build on
it so it’s like this if I’m in a scene
with you profess president Fitz and you
say hey you’re Oprah Winfrey and I say
no I’m not
then our scene would be over but
President Fitz if you say hey Europa
went free and I say yes I am and today
[Music]
class of 2015 look under your seats
because you are all eating here today
with a college diploma
you get a diploma you get a diploma you
get a diploma and you sir you get a
diploma we’re all getting just lost my
hat on that bit so if I could give my 21
year old self any advice it would be to
take as many bikini photos as you can
now because your body is smoking hot and
let me tell you something it will not be
this bangin after childbirth but
seriously if I could give my 21 year old
self the advice I’m giving you today and
if I had a time machine well if I had a
time machine then I would go back in
time and I would probably invent the
iPhone because I think I could make a
ton of money but if I must give any of
you advice it would be this say yes say
yes say yes and and create your own
destiny so hold on to your old friends
kiss your mama admit what your dreams
are don’t beat yourself up if you don’t
know what you’re gonna do tomorrow but
work hard and don’t be lazy and put away
your damn iPhone once in a while
and also be nice to jerks because we
still don’t know the criteria for
getting into heaven yet now go make your
parents proud and figure out how to end
global warming I love you class of 2015
now one more thing if you would indulge
me since we are in the Superdome would
you mind rising one more time for the
national anthem it’s my turn
[Music]
[Music]
do what
sober ah last blaming the Hoos Barradas
to right and right all right I owe the
ramrods we watched
and the Rockets red glare the bombs
bursting up in the air give a little bit
of poof through the night yeah yep yeah
yeah yeah it’s one two knees dachshund
you’re out I will baby
buy me some peanuts and area boned Rex
I don’t care if because if you’re like
in the net amount of rating on it
said if you don’t get the news in a
better ring on it nobody man could you
see that he would it cuz if you like it
end up in the ring I woke up in the
kitchen saying how did this happen
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
the each other or to the a to the e to
the V to thee
[Laughter]
play ball congratulations class of 2015
[Applause]
you