THE UMBRELLA MAN by ROALD DAHL Learn English Through Story Level 3
welcome to american spoken english
english conversation channel
the umbrella man a funny story by roald
dahl
i’m going to tell you about a funny
thing
that happened to my mother and me
yesterday evening
i am 12 years old and i’m a girl
my mother is 34 but i’m nearly as tall
as her already
yesterday afternoon my mother took me up
to london to see the dentist
he found one hole it was in a back
tooth and he filled it without hurting
me too much
after that we went to a cafe
i had a banana split and my mother had a
cup of coffee
by the time we got up to leave it was
about
six o’clock when we came out of the cafe
it had started to rain we must get a
taxi
my mother said we were wearing
ordinary hats and coats and it was
raining quite
hard why don’t we go back into the cafe
and wait for it to stop i said
i wanted another of those banana splits
they were gorgeous it isn’t going to
stop
my mother said we must get home
we stood on the pavement in the rain
looking for a taxi
lots of them came by but they all had
passengers inside them
i wish we had a car with a chauffeur
my mother said just then
a man came up to us he was a small man
and he was pretty old probably
70 or more he raised his hat politely
and said to my mother excuse me
i do hope you will excuse me
he had a fine white mustache and bushy
white eyebrows
and a wrinkly pink face
he was sheltering under an umbrella
which he held
high over his head yes
my mother said very cool and distant
i wonder if i could ask a small
favor of you he said
it is only a very small favor
i saw my mother looking at him
suspiciously
she is a suspicious person my mother
she is especially suspicious of two
things
strange men and boiled eggs
when she cuts the top off a boiled egg
she pokes around inside it with her
spoon
as though expecting to find a mouse or
something
with strange men she has a golden rule
which says the nicer the man
seems to be the more suspicious you must
become
[Music]
this little old man was particularly
nice
he was polite he was well spoken
he was well dressed he was a real
gentleman the reason i knew he was a
gentleman
was because of his shoes you can
always spot a gentleman by the shoes he
wears
was another of my mother’s favorite
sayings
this man had beautiful brown shoes
the truth of the matter is the little
man was saying
i’ve got myself into a bit of a scrape
i need some help not bring down much i
assure you
it’s almost nothing in fact but i do
need it you see madame
old people like me often become terribly
forgetful
my mother’s chin was up and she was
staring down
at him along the full length of her nose
it was a fearsome thing this
frosty-nosed stare of my mother’s
most people go to pieces completely when
she gives it to them
i once saw my own head mistress begin to
stammer and simple like an idiot
when my mother gave her a really foul
frosty noser
but the little man on the pavement with
the umbrella over his head
didn’t bat an eyelid he gave a gentle
smile
and said i beg you to believe madam
that i am not in the habit of stoppidies
in the street and
telling them my troubles i should hope
not my mother said
i felt quite embarrassed by my mother’s
sharpness
i wanted to say to her oh mummy for
heaven’s sake
he’s a very very old man and he’s sweet
and polite
and he’s in some sort of trouble so
don’t be so beastly to him
but i didn’t say anything
the little man shifted his umbrella from
one hand to the other
i’ve never forgotten it before he said
you’ve never forgotten what my mother
asked sternly
my wallet he said
i must have left it in my other jacket
isn’t that the silliest thing to do
are you asking me to give you money
my mother said oh could
gracious mean no he cried
heaven forbid i should ever do that
then what are you asking my mother said
do hurry up we’re getting soaked to the
skin
here i know you are
he said and that is why i’m offering you
this
umbrella of mine to protect you and to
keep forever
if if only
if only what my mother said
if only you would give me in return a
pound
for my taxi fare just to get me home
my mother was still suspicious
if you had no money in the first place
she said then how did you get here
i walked he answered
every day i go for a lovely long walk
and then i summon a taxi to take me home
i do it every day of the year why don’t
you walk home
now my mother asked
oh i wish i could he said
i do wish i could but i don’t think i
could manage it on these silly old legs
of mine
i’ve gone too far already
my mother stood there chewing her lower
lip
she was beginning to melt a bit i could
see that
and the idea of getting an umbrella to
shelter under
must have tempted her a good deal
it’s a lovely umbrella the little man
said
so i’ve noticed my mother said
it’s silk he said i can see that
then why don’t you take it madam he said
it cost me over 20 pounds i promise you
but that’s of no importance so long as i
can
get home and rest these old legs of mine
i saw my mother’s hand feeling for the
clasp of her purse
she saw me watching her i was giving her
one of my own
frosty nosed looks this time and she
knew exactly
what i was telling her now listen
mummy i was telling her you simply
mustn’t take advantage of a tired old
man in this way
it’s a rotten thing to do
my mother paused and looked back at me
then she said to the little man i
don’t think it’s quite right but i
should take an umbrella from you
worth 20 pounds i think i’d better just
give you the taxi fare and be done with
it
no no no he cried it’s out of the
question
i wouldn’t dream of it not in a million
years
i would never accept money from you like
that
take the umbrella dear lady and
keep the rain off your shoulders
my mother gave me a triumphant sideways
look
there you are she was telling me you’re
wrong
he wants me to have it
she fished into her purse and took out a
pound note
she held it out to the little man he
took it
and handed her the umbrella he pocketed
the pound
raised his hat gave a quick bow from the
waist and said
thank you madam thank you then he was
gone
come under here and keep dry my mother’s
darling
my mother said aren’t we lucky
i’ve never had a silk umbrella before i
couldn’t afford it
why were you so horrid to him in the
beginning
i asked i wanted to satisfy myself he
wasn’t a trickster
she said and i did he was a gentleman
i’m very pleased i was able to help him
yes mommy i said a real
gentleman she went on wealthy too
otherwise he wouldn’t have had a silk
umbrella
i shouldn’t be surprised if he isn’t a
titled person
sir harry goldsworthy or something like
that
yes mummy this will be a good lesson to
you
she went on never rush things
always take your time when you’re
summing someone up
they never make mistakes
there he goes i said look
where over there he’s crossing the
street
goodness mommy what a hurry he’s in
we watched the little man as he dodged
nimbly
in and out of the traffic when he
reached the other side of the street
he turned left walking very fast
he doesn’t look very tired to me does he
to you mommy
my mother didn’t answer he doesn’t look
as though he’s trying to get a taxi
either i said
my mother was standing very still and
stiff
staring across the street at the little
man
we could see him clearly he was in a
terrific
hurry he was bustling along the pavement
sidestepping the other pedestrians and
swinging his arms
like a soldier on the march
he’s up to something my mother said
stoney-faced but what
i don’t know my mother snapped but i’m
going to find
out come with me she took my arm
and we crossed the street together then
we turned left
can you see him my mother asked
yes there he is he’s turning right down
the next street
he came to the corner and turned right
the little man was about
20 yards ahead of us he was scuttling
along like a rabbit
and we had to walk very fast to keep up
with him
the rain was pelting down harder than
ever now
and i could see it dripping from the
brim of his hat onto his shoulders
but we were snug and dry under our
lovely big silk umbrella
what is he up to my mother said
what if he turns round and sees us i
asked
i don’t care if he does my mother said
he lied to us he said he was too
tired to walk any further and he’s
practically running us off our feet
he’s a bare-faced liar he’s a crook
you mean he’s not a title gentleman
i asked be quiet she said
at the next crossing the little man
turned right again
then he turned left then right
i’m not giving up now my mother said
he’s disappeared i cried
where’s he gone he went in that door
my mother said i saw him into that house
great heavens it’s a pub
it was a pub in big letters right across
the front it said
the red lion you’re not going in
are you mommy no she said
we’ll watch from outside
there was a big plate glass window along
the front of the pub
and although it was a bit steamy on the
inside we could see through it very well
if we went close
we stood huddled together outside the
pub window
i was clutching my mother’s arm the big
raindrops were making a loud noise on
our umbrella
there he is i said over there
the room we were looking into was full
of people
and cigarette smoke and our little man
was in the middle of it all
he was now without his hat and coat and
he was edging his way
through the crowd towards the bar
when he reached digger he placed both
hands on the bar itself
and spoke to the barman i saw his lips
moving as he gave his order
the barman turned away from him for a
few seconds
and came back with a smallish tumbler
filled to the brim with
light brown liquid the little man
placed a pound note on the counter
that’s my pound my mother hissed
by golly he’s got a nerve
what’s in the glass i asked
whiskey my mother said
neat whiskey the barman didn’t give him
any change from the pound
that must be a treble whiskey my mommy
said
what’s a treble i asked
three times the normal measure
she answered the little man picked up
the glass and put it to his lips
he tilted it gently then he tilted it
higher and higher and higher
and very soon all the whiskey had
disappeared down his throat in
one long pour that’s a
jolly expensive drink i said
it’s ridiculous my mummy said
fancy paying a pound for something to
swallow in one go
it cost him more than a pound i said
it cost him a 20 pound silk umbrella
so it did my mother said
he must be mad
the little man was standing by the bar
with the empty glass
in his hand he was smiling now
and a sort of golden glow of pleasure
was spreading over
his round pink face i saw his tongue
come out to lick the white moustache
as though searching for one last drop of
that precious whiskey
[Music]
slowly he turned away from the bar and
edged his way back
through the crowd to where his hat and
coat were hanging
he put on his hat he put on his coat
then in a manner so superbly cool and
casual
that you hardly noticed anything at all
he lifted from the coat rack
one of the many wet umbrellas hanging
there
and off he went did you
see that my mother shrieked
did you see he did shh
i whispered he’s coming out
we lowered our umbrella to hide our
faces
and peered out from under it
out he came but he never looked in our
direction
he opened his new umbrella over his head
and scurried off down the road the way
he had come
so that’s his little game
my mother said neat
i said super
we followed him back to the main street
where we had first met him
and we watched him as he proceeded with
no trouble at all
to exchange his new umbrella for another
pound note this time it was with a tall
thin
fellow who didn’t even have a coat or
hat
and as soon as the transaction was
completed our little man trotted off
down the street
and was lost in the crowd but this time
he went in the opposite direction
you see how clever he is
my mother said he never goes to the same
pub
twice he could go on doing this all
night
i said yes my mother said
of course but i’ll bet he prays
like mad for rainy days
you