Sweethearts Learn English through story level 4

chapter one

the early years

the morel family lived in the village of

bestwood in a house built by the mining

company for its employees

gertrude morell was 31 years old and had

been married for eight years

her husband walter was a coal miner

there were two children

william a boy of seven

and annie who was only five

mrs morrell was expecting her third baby

in two months time

they could not afford to have this third

she did not want it

its father spent most of his free time

drinking in the pub

she had no respect for him but she was

tied to him

she was sick of it

this struggle with poverty and ugliness

and dirt

gertrude morel was from a nottingham

family educated church-going people

her father was an unsuccessful engineer

she had her mother’s small well-made

figure and her father’s clear blue eyes

when she was 23 years old she met at a

christmas party a young man of 27.

walter had shining black wavy hair and a

black beard

he laughed often and heartily with a

rich ringing laugh

he was quick in his movements an

excellent dancer

he was so open and pleasant with

everybody

gertrude who was not pleasure loving

like walter had never met anyone like

him

his body burned with a soft golden flame

a flame of life

and seemed to her something wonderful

walter morrell was equally impressed by

gertrude

her blue eyes her soft brown curls

a beautiful smile

she spoke in an educated way

she had the manners of a lady

the next christmas they were married and

for three months she was perfectly happy

she admired him for being a minor

risking his life daily

sometimes when she herself was tired of

love talk she tried to open her heart

seriously to him

he listened to her respectfully

but without understanding

she realized that she could not share

her deeper thoughts and ideas with him

instead

he took pleasure in making and mending

doing little jobs around the

house her first big shock was when she

found that the bills for their new

furniture were not yet paid

and that he did not own their house as

he had told her but was paying rent

and too higher rent for it then

he began to be rather late coming home

they’re working very late these days

aren’t they

she said to a neighbor

no later than they always do

she answered

but they stopped to have a drink at the

pub and then they get talking dinner’s

stone cold and it’s just what they

deserve

but mr morell doesn’t drink

the woman looked hard at mrs morrell

then went on with her work

saying nothing

mrs morrell was very ill when the first

boy was born

morrell was good to her

but she felt very lonely

miles away from her own people

when her husband was with her

it made the loneliness worse

the child was small and weak at first

but he quickly grew strong

he was a beautiful baby

with dark golden curls and dark blue

eyes

which gradually changed to a clear grey

he came just when her disappointment was

at its greatest

and her life seemed most empty

she gave all her attention to her child

and the father was jealous

while the baby was still small

it often annoyed morel

and sometimes he hit it

then

mrs morrell hated her husband for days

feeling unloved morel went out and drank

on his return she greeted him with

fierce stinging remarks about his

drinking

morel

always rose early about five or six

even on a holiday

on sunday morning he usually got up and

prepared breakfast

the child rose with his father while the

mother lay resting for another hour or

so

william was now one year old and his

mother was proud of him

he was so

pretty

one sunday morning mrs morrell lay

listening to the two of them talking

below

then she fell asleep

when she came downstairs there was a big

fire burning and breakfast was laid

morel sat in his armchair looking rather

shame-faced

the child stood between his legs

his head of hair cut short like a sheep

and on a newspaper spread out in front

of the fire

lay williams golden curls

shining in the fire light

mrs morrell stood quite still

and went very white

so

what do you think of him laughed morell

a little guiltily

she came forward ready to hit him

i could kill you i could

she said

so angry she could hardly speak

she picked up the child

buried her face in his shoulder

and cried painfully

morel sat looking at the fire in shock

later she said she had been silly

the boy’s hair had to be cut sooner or

later

but she remembered this event for the

rest of her life

before she had wanted to bring her

husband closer to her

from now on he was an outsider

this made her life easier to accept

the pity was

she was too much his opposite

in trying to make him better than he was

she destroyed him

the morels were poor

morel was expected to give his wife 30

shillings a week to pay for everything

rent food clothes insurance doctors

sometimes it was a little more

more often less

on friday night and saturday and sunday

morel spent freely mostly on beer

he rarely gave william an extra penny or

a pound of apples

one public holiday he decided to walk to

nottingham with jerry purdy one of his

drinking companions

they spent most of the day visiting pubs

mrs morrell had stayed at home all day

working in the house

in the evening morrell returned kicking

open the garden gate and breaking the

lock

he entered the kitchen unsteadily and

nearly upset a bowl of boiling liquid

which was cooling on the table

god help us coming home in his

drunkenness

cried mrs morrell

coming home in his what

shouted her husband his hat over one eye

say you’re not drunk

she insisted

only and nasty old cats like you could

have such a thought

answered morel

you’ve been drinking all day

so if you’re not drunk by 11 o’clock at

night

she replied

we know well enough what you do when you

go out with your beautiful jerry

there’s money to drink with

if there’s money for nothing else

i’ve not spent two shillings all day

he said

well

if jerry’s been buying your drinks tell

him to spend his money on his children

they need it

and what about your own children

you can’t afford to keep them can you

what’s it got to do with you he shouted

got to do with me

why

a lot

you give me just 25 shillings to do

everything with

you go off drinking all day

come rolling home at midnight it’s a lie

it’s a lie shut your face woman

the quarrel got fiercer and fiercer

each forgot everything except their

hatred of the other

she was just as angry as he

you’re a liar

he shouted

banging on the table with his hand

you’re a liar

you’re a liar

all the dislikes she felt for him now

came pouring out

you’re nothing but dirt in this house

she cried

and get out of it

it’s mine

it’s me who brings the money home not

you to get out

get out

and i would

she cried in tears at her own

powerlessness

i would have gone

long ago

but for those children

do you think i stay for you

he came up to her and held her arms

tightly

she cried out struggling to be free

he took her roughly to the outside door

and pushed her out of the house banging

the door shut and locking it behind her

then he sank exhausted into a chair

and soon lost consciousness

she stood for a few moments staring

helplessly in the august night

her body shaking

remembering the unborn child inside her

the darkness was full of the sweet smell

of flowers

there was no noise anywhere then a train

rushed across the valley miles away

she went to the back door and tried to

handle

it was still locked

through the window she could just see

her husband’s head on the table and his

arms spread out

she knocked on the window more and more

loudly

but still he did not wake

fearful for the unborn child she walked

up and down the garden path to keep warm

knocking every now and then on the

window

telling herself that in the end he must

wait

at last

he heard the knocking and woke up

open the door

walter she said coldly

realizing what he had done

he hurried to unlock the door

as mrs morrell entered she saw him

disappearing shame-facedly up the stairs

when at last she herself went to bed

morell was already asleep

chapter two

the birth of paul

before the baby was born mrs morrell

cleaned the house from top to bottom

when morel got home one evening

the child had already arrived

the delivery nurse met him in the

kitchen

your wife is in a bad way

it’s a boy child

he hung up his coat

and then dropped into his chair

have you got a drink

he asked

the nurse brought him one

then without a word served him his

dinner and went back upstairs

he ate his meal

sat for 20 minutes

made up the fire

and then

unwillingly went up to the bedroom

his face was still black and sweaty as

he stood at the end of the bed

well

how are you then

he asked

i shall be all right

she answered

it’s a boy

she turned down the blanket

and showed him the baby

he pretended to be pleased

but she knew he was not much interested

he wanted to kiss her

but he did not dare

so he left the room

mrs morrell sat looking at her baby

and the baby looked up at her

it had blue eyes like her own

which seemed to bring out her most

secret thoughts

she no longer loved her husband

she had not wanted this child

and there it lay in her arms and pulled

at her heart

a wave of hot love went out of her

towards the child

she held it close to her face and breast

it had come into the world unloved

she would love it all the more

now it was here

during these months morel got angry at

the slightest thing

he seemed exhausted by his work

he complained if the fire was low or his

dinner was not to his liking

if the children made a noise he shouted

at them in a way that made their

mother’s blood boil

they hated him and his bad tender

goodness me man

there isn’t a bit of peace while you’re

in the house

said mrs morrell at last

i know that

you’re never happy till i’m out of your

sight

he answered

and hurried to escape

he was still not home by 11 o’clock

finally she heard him coming

he had taken his revenge

he was drunk

is there nothing to eat in the house

he asked roughly

you know what there is

she said coldly

he leaned unsteadily on the table

and pulled at the table drawer to get a

knife to cut bread

the drawer stuck

so he pulled harder

it flew right out and spoons forks

knives fell all over the floor

the baby woke at the noise

what are you doing you drunken fool

the mother cried

in trying to fit the draw back in

it fell hurting his leg

in his anger he picked it up and threw

it at his wife

one of the corners hit her above the eye

blood ran into her eye

and red drops fell on the baby’s blanket

did it hit you ask morel

bending over her unsteadily

go away

let me look at it woman

she smelled the drink on his breath

and weakly pushed him away

he stood staring at her

what has it done to you dear

he asked

you can see what it’s done

she answered

mrs morrell would not let him touch her

she cleaned the wound herself and went

upstairs

telling him to mend the fire and lock

the door

it was her own fault

he told himself afterwards

having heard her

he hated her

by the following wednesday he had no

money left

he looked inside his wife’s purse when

she was in the garden with the baby

and took a sixpence

the next day mrs morrell found the money

missing

and was sure he had taken it

when he had had his dinner

she said to him coldly

did you take sixpence from my purse last

night

although he denied it

she knew he was lying

so you steal sixpence from my purse

while i’m bringing the washing in

she said accusingly

i’ll make you pay for this

answered morel

he got washed and went upstairs with a

determined expression on his face

soon afterwards he came down dressed

with his things tied up in an enormous

blue handkerchief

you see me again when you do

he said

it’ll be before i want to

his wife replied

at that

he marched out of the house with his

parcel

william and annie were surprised to find

their father gone

where’s he going to

asked william

i don’t know

said his mother

he’s taken his things wrapped up in a

handkerchief and he says he’s not coming

back

what shall we do

cried the boy an alarm

don’t worry

he won’t go far

but

if he doesn’t come back

said annie fearfully

she and william sat on the sofa

and burst into tears

when mrs morrell went to fetch coal from

the coal house at the end of the garden

she felt something hidden behind the

door

there

in the dark

was the big blue parcel

she laughed

and went back to the house

william and annie were crying again

because she had left them

silly babies

she said

go down to the coal house and look

behind the door

and then you’ll see how far he’s gone

off they went to look no longer worried

they went contentedly to bed

mrs morrell sat waiting

she was tired of him

tired to death

he had not even had the courage to take

his things further than the bottom of

the garden

at about nine o’clock he came in

looking guilty

she said nothing

he took off his coat

and sat down to take off his boots

you better fetch your things from the

coal house before you take your boots

off

she said quietly

you can thank your stars i’ve come back

tonight

he said

trying to impress her

he looked such a fool she was not even

angry with him

but her heart was bitter

because he had once been the man she

loved

to three

william takes the lead

some time later

laurel became seriously ill

his wife nursed him

and being strong

he soon recovered

he depended on her almost like a child

and she was more tolerant of him now

because she loved him less

instead

she turned for love and life to the

children

and he half accepted this

letting them take his place in her heart

when they sat together at night

he was restless

feeling a sort of emptiness

then he went off to bed

and she settled down to enjoy herself

alone

working

thinking

living

the baby paul hated to be touched by him

usually a quiet baby he went stiff in

his father’s arms and immediately

started to scream

he was a pale rather silent child

and his face often wore a worried or

puzzled expression

now

another baby was coming

the fruit of this time of peace between

the parents

this new baby was again a boy and they

called him arthur

he was very pretty

with a head of golden curls

and he loved his father from the first

hearing his father’s footsteps

he used to wave his arms and laugh

at the same time

william grew bigger and stronger and

more active

while poor

always rather slight

got thinner

and followed his mother around like a

shadow

when william was 13

his mother got him a job in the

cooperative society office

his father wanted him to become a minor

like himself

he’s not going down the mine

said mrs morrell

and there’s an end of it

if your mother put you in the mine at 12

it’s no reason why i should do the same

with my boy

she was very proud of her son

he was a clever boy with an open nature

and eyes of the clearest grey

he went to night school and trained as a

clerk

then he became a teacher at the night

school

he could run like the wind

when he was 12 he won first prize in a

race

he could jump higher and throw farther

than any boy in best would

william began to get ambitious

he gave all his money to his mother

he went about with the sons of

shopkeepers and the school teacher

he enjoyed all the social and sporting

life that best would offered

he also liked dancing

in spite of his mother

he was a great favorite with the ladies

and enjoyed telling paul about his

successes

about this time he began to study

with a friend of his he started to learn

french and latin and other things

he and fred simpson studied together

till midnight sometimes till one o’clock

soon he grew pale

and mrs morrell alarmed

begged him to take better care of his

health

when william was 19

he suddenly left the cooperative office

and got a job in nottingham

now he had 30 shillings a week instead

of 18

his mother and father were proud of him

it seemed that he was going to succeed

in life

williams stayed at his job in nottingham

for a year

he was studying hard but he still went

to all the dances and parties

then he was offered a position in london

at

pounds a year

they want me in lime street on monday

week mother he cried his eyes shining as

he read the letter

mrs morrell felt everything go silent

inside her

didn’t i tell you i could do it

think of me in london

and i can give you 20 pounds a year

mother

we shall all be rolling in money

she answered sadly

as the day of his departure came closer

she felt increasingly desperate

she loved him so much

now he was going away she felt that he

was going out of her heart

leaving her only pain and sadness

before he left he was just twenty

william burned his file of love letters

from his lady friends

then he went off to london

to start a new file

chapter 4

paul’s childhood

paul’s figure was rather small and

slight like his mother’s

his fair hair gradually became dark

brown

his eyes were gray

he was a pale quiet child

who seemed old for his years

he was sensitive to what other people

felt

especially his mother

when she was upset he understood

and could have no peace

about this time

the family moved to another house near

the top of a hill commanding a fine view

of the valley below

after dark

paul used to go out to play under the

street lamp with the other children of

their street

then when the miners stopped coming home

from the mine

he ran fearfully back to the kitchen

the lamp still burned

the fire shone red

mrs morrell sat alone

steam rose from the cooking pot

the dinner plate lay waiting on the

table

the whole room seemed to be waiting

waiting for the man who was sitting in

his cold dirt thinnerless a mile away

from home across the darkness

drinking himself drunk

when morrell did come home

everyone in the house kept quiet

because he was dangerous

he ate his food roughly

and when he had finished pushed all the

pots away to lay his head and arms on

the table

then he went to sleep

heavy with beer and tiredness

and bad temper

morel was shut out from family events

no one told him anything

he was an outsider

the only times he entered family life

when he found jobs to do around the

house

sometimes in the evening he mended boots

or the kettle

or the metal bottle for cold tea which

he took every day to the mine

then he always wanted helpers

and the children enjoyed helping him

he loved telling young arthur stories

about the little horses that the miners

used down in the mine

but these happy evenings only took place

if morrell had some job to do

then he always went to bed early

the children felt safe when their father

was in bed

mrs morrell had given most of her

attention to william

but when he went to work in nottingham

and was not so much at home

she made a companion of paul

the two brothers were a little jealous

of each other

but at the same time they were good

friends

friday night was baking night and market

night because the wages were paid on

fridays

it was the rule that paul should stay at

home and watch the bread in the oven

loved to be by himself and draw or read

he was very fond of drawing

mrs morrell enjoyed her marketing

the marketplace was always full of women

she usually quarreled with the cloth

seller

chatted with the fruit man

laughed with the fish man

was coldly polite to the man selling

pots

but this time

a little dish decorated with blue

flowers caught her eye

he told her it cost seven pence

she put the dish down and walked away

suddenly the pot man shouted

do you want it for five prince

she was surprised

she bent down and picked up the dish

i’ll have it

she said

paul was waiting for her

he loved her homecoming

she was always at her best

tired happy

weighed down with parcels

she dropped her parcels and her string

bag on the table

is the bread done

she asked going to the oven

the last one is baking

he replied

you needn’t look

i haven’t forgotten it

how much do you think i bought this for

she said taking the dish out of his

newspaper wrapping

one shilling and thrippance

said paul

five pence

the two stood together admiring the dish

she unfolded another piece of newspaper

and showed him some little flowering

plants

fourpence for these

how cheap

he cried

yes

but i couldn’t afford it this week of

all weeks

yet she was full of satisfaction

they were very poor that autumn

william had just gone to london and his

mother missed his money

he sent ten shillings once or twice

but he had many expenses

he wrote to his mother regularly once a

week

he told her all his doings

how he made friends

how he was enjoying london

all day long as she cleaned the house

she thought of him

he was in london

he would do well

william was coming home at christmas for

five days

there had never been such preparations

paul and arthur decorated the kitchen

with green leaves

annie made pretty strings of coloured

paper

mrs morrell baked a special fruitcake

a big rice cake

little cheesecakes

everything was decorated

a great fire burned

the smell of fresh baking filled the

kitchen

william was due at seven o’clock

but he was late

the children had gone to the station to

meet him

morel sat in his armchair full of

nervous excitement

and mrs morrell quietly went on with her

baking

neither one spoke

they waited

and waited

at last there was the sound of voices

and footsteps

he’s here

cried morrell jumping up

the door burst open and william came in

he dropped his bag and took his mother

in his arms

for two seconds no longer

she held him

and kissed him

then she stood back and trying to be

normal said

but how late you are

aren’t i

he cried

turning into his father

well dad

well my boy

marelle’s eyes were wet

we thought you were never coming

the two men shook hands

everything’s just as it was

said william looking round

everybody was still for a second

then he leaned forward picked up a newly

baked biscuit

and put it whole into his mouth

he had brought them endless presents

every penny he had he had spent on them

for his mother there was an umbrella

with gold on the handle

which he kept till her dying day

there were pounds of wonderful sweets

quite unknown in bestwood

everybody in the family was mad with

happiness

people came in to see william

to see what a difference london had made

to him

they all found him

such a gentleman

such a fine young man

i word

when he went away again

the children were in tears

morel took himself off to bed

and mrs morrell did all her housework

mechanically

robbed of all feeling for days

chapter five

paul faces life

morel was careless of danger

about a year after william went to

london and just after paul had left

school before he got work

a great piece of rock fell on morel’s

leg when he was working in the mine

and broke it in several places

he had a very bad time in hospital

for a week he was in a serious condition

then he began to mend

knowing that he was going to recover

the family began to worry less

and to be happy again

mrs morrell talked to paul almost as if

she was thinking aloud

and he listened as best he could

in the end she shared almost everything

with him

together they learned how perfectly

peaceful the home could be

paul was now 14 years old and looking

for work

his face had lost its boyish roundness

and was rather rough looking

but very expressive

he was quite a clever painter for a boy

of his age

and he knew some french german and

mathematics

he was not strong enough for hard

physical work his mother said

he did not care for making things with

his hands

but preferred going for country walks

or reading

or painting

what do you want to be

his mother asked

he had no idea

anything

that’s no answer

said mrs morrell

but it was the only answer he could give

then you must look in the paper for

advertisements

said his mother

he copied out some advertisements and

took them to her

yes

she said

you may try

he used a letter which william had

prepared for him to write to the

different companies offering jobs

his handwriting was terrible

william rode from london in a kind of

fever

he seemed unsettled by the speed of his

new life

his mother could feel him losing himself

he wrote of dances

and going to the theater

of boats on the river of going out with

friends

but she knew he sat up afterwards in his

cold bedroom studying latin and learning

all he could about the law

because he wanted to improve himself

he never sent his mother any money now

it was all taken the little he had for

his own life

mrs morrell still dreamed of william and

what he could do

but in her heart

she was worried

he also wrote a lot now about a girl he

had met at a dance

lilly weston

his pet name for her was gypsy

she was young

beautiful

very well dressed

and much admired by men

his mother congratulated him in her

doubtful fashion

she imagined him tied to an expensive

wife

and very likely an old silly

she told herself

expecting the worst

but the worry remained

that william would do the wrong thing

soon paul was asked to go for an

interview at thomas jordan maker of

medical appliances at 21 spaniel road

nottingham

mrs morrell was delighted

you see

she cried her eyes shining

you’ve only written four letters and the

third is answered

i always said you were lucky

paul looked at the picture of the wooden

leg wearing an elastic stocking that

appeared on mr jordan’s notepaper

he had not known that elastic stockings

existed

mother and son set off one very hot

morning in august

paul felt extremely nervous but he

refused to tell his mother

and she only partly guessed

they traveled the 16 miles to nottingham

by train

mother and son walked down station

street

feeling the excitement of lovers sharing

an adventure

they turned up a narrow street that led

to the castle

and found the thomas jordan sign

they went through a big doorway into an

open space full of boxes and packing

stuff

and up two lots of stairs

in front of them was a dirty glass door

with the company name on it

mrs morrell pushed open the door

and stood in pleased surprise

they were in a large workshop

with thick paper parcels piled

everywhere

and clarks with their sleeves rolled up

calmly going about their business

can i see mr jordan

she asked one of the clerks

i’ll fetch him

answered the young man

and went to a glass office at the far

end of the room

a red-faced old man with white hair came

towards them

he had short legs

and was rather fat

they followed him to his office and were

told to sit down

did you write this letter

he asked paul holding it up

yes

he answered

where did you learn to write

paul simply looked at him

too ashamed and nervous to speak

and you say you know french

ask the little man sharply

a friend gave him lessons

said mrs morrell quickly

mr jordan hesitated

then pulled a sheet of paper from his

pocket and passed it to paul

read that

he said

it was a letter in french in strange

spidery foreign handwriting

which was very difficult to read

paul struggled with the words

please

send me

two pairs

of gray

cotton stockings

without fingers without chose

the factory owner corrected him

stockings don’t have fingers

paul hated the little man for making him

look stupid

when can he start mr jordan asked his

mother

it was agreed that paul would be

employed as a junior clerk at eight

shillings a week

as he followed his mother down the

stairs on their way out

she looked at him with her blue eyes

full of delighted love

on the monday morning

paul got up at six to be ready for work

he had bought his season ticket for the

train at a cost of one pound eleven

shillings

and his mother had packed his dinner in

a small basket

she stood in the road watching him as he

crossed the fields to the station

now she had two sons in the world

one in london

and one in nottingham

they came from her

and their work would also be hers

all morning she thought of paul

at the factory

paul was told to work with mr

pattleworth

an amusing man who was about 36 years

old

appleworth showed him what to do

they had to read the letters ordering

different appliances

note down each order in a big book

write out the exact details on a yellow

order paper

and take the order to one of the

departments to be made

most of the orders were for elastic

stockings or bandages

later he was introduced to polly and the

girls downstairs

and then fanny and the girls upstairs

at one o’clock paul at his dinner and

then he went out into the brightness and

freedom of the streets until two

in the afternoon

there was not very much to do

at five o’clock all the men went

downstairs and had tea after tea

the gas lights were lit

paul had done his paperwork

and now he had to pack up the finished

goods in parcels

writing the address and putting the

right stamps on each one

at last he was free to grab his dinner

basket and run to the station in time

for the 820 train

his day in the factory

was exactly 12 hours long

he did not get home that evening till 20

past nine

he was pale and tired

but his mother saw that he was rather

pleased

he told her everything

all he had seen

all he thought

every detail of the experience

so the time passed happily enough

the factory was a friendly place

nobody was rushed or driven too hard and

every friday night he put his eight

shillings proudly on the kitchen table

then he told his mother the happenings

of the day

it was almost as if it was her own life

chapter 6

death in the family

arthur morrell was growing up

he was quick and careless rather like

his father

he hated study and hard work

he was the flower of the family

a well-made boy with fair hair

fresh coloring

and wonderful dark blue eyes

he had a quick temper and thought only

of himself

he loved his mother

but she got tired of him sometimes

he had loved his father and morel still

thought the world of him but now

arthur had come to hate him

his father’s manners in the home got

worse and worse

when they got too much for him

arthur used to jump up and leave the

house he got so bad tempered that when

he won a place at the grammar school in

nottingham

his mother sent him to live with one of

her sisters

and so he only came home at weekends

annie was a junior teacher at best wood

school

earning about four shillings a week

but soon she would get 15 shillings

because she had passed her examination

that would make the financial situation

in the home a bit easier

william was now engaged to his girl

and had bought her an engagement ring

he wanted to bring her home at christmas

this time

william arrived with the lady

but with no presence

mrs morrell had prepared supper

he kissed his mother hurriedly and then

stood back to introduce a tall handsome

young woman

very fashionably dressed

here’s jip

miss weston held out her hand and showed

her teeth in a small smile

oh

how do you do mrs morrell

she said i’m afraid you will be hungry

said mrs morrell

oh no

we had dinner in the train

she looked round the kitchen

it seemed small and curious to her

with the green leaves decorating the

pictures and the rough little table

annie showed her up to the front bedroom

where the parents usually slept

and returned to fetch hot water

after half an hour miss weston came down

wearing another fine dress

morel pressed her to take his arm chair

beside the fire

the three children sat round in silent

admiration

at ten o’clock she shook hands all round

and departed to bed led by william

in five minutes he was downstairs again

but he talked very little until he was

alone with his mother

his heart was rather sore

he did not know why

well mother

do you like her

yes

came the cautious reply

she’s not like you mother

she’s not serious

and she can’t think

her mother died when she was a child

she’s had no love

i know she seems shallow

you have to forgive her a lot of things

you mustn’t judge too quickly

said mrs morrell

but william remained uncomfortable

within himself

lily continued to play the fine lady

she sat and let annie or paul act as her

servants

and yet she was not so fine

for a year now she had been some sort of

secretary or clerk in a london office

at easter

william came home alone

and he discussed lily endlessly with his

mother

you know mother

when i’m away from her

i don’t care for her a bit

but then

when i’m with her in the evenings

i’m awfully fond of her

it’s a strange sort of love to marry on

said mrs morrell

if she holds you no more than that

paul’s wages have been increased at

christmas to 10 shillings a week

he was quite happy at jordan’s

but his health suffered from the long

hours and the bad air

his mother wanted to help

his half day holiday was on monday

afternoon

at breakfast one monday in may

mrs morrell told paul that her friend

mrs levers had invited them to visit her

at their new farm

it was agreed that mother and son would

go that afternoon

a four mile walk

they set off in style

mrs morrell with the umbrella william

had given her because of the sun

after walking for a long time

they finally came to a group of low red

farm buildings

there were apple trees and a pool with

ducks

some cows stood under the trees

as they entered the garden

a girl appeared in the doorway of the

house

she was about 14

with short dark curls and dark eyes

she disappeared

in a minute another figure appeared

a small woman

also with great dark brown eyes

oh

she said smiling

you’ve come then

i am glad to see you

she introduced the girl with the dark

curls as her daughter miriam

the four of them had tea together

then they went out for a walk in the

wood

both mother and son were thrilled by the

beauty of the place

when they got back to the house they

found mr levers and edgar the eldest son

in the kitchen

edgar was about 18.

then the two younger boys came in from

school

the boys all went outside and played

games

miriam watched but did not join in

she was very shy

finally it was time for the morels to go

home

mr and mrs levers walked over the fields

with them for part of the way

paul was carrying a great bunch of

flowers mrs levers had given them

the hills were golden with evening

everywhere was perfectly still

mrs morrell and paul went on alone

together

wasn’t it lovely mother

he said quietly

he felt almost painfully happy

william came home again with his young

lady for a week’s holiday

there was a feeling of sadness and

tenderness in the house while they were

there

but william often got annoyed

for an eight days stay lily had brought

five dresses and six blouses

oh

could you please wash these two blouses

and these other things

she said to annie

and annie stayed washing while william

and lily went out

this made mrs morrell extremely angry

william read a lot and had a quick

active mind

but lily found reading difficult

she understood nothing but lovemaking

and social chat

she could not give him real

companionship

she wants to get married

he told his mother

and

i think we might get married next year

a fine mess of a marriage it would be

answered his mother

i should consider it again my boy

nothing is as bad as a failed marriage

i was bad enough god knows

i couldn’t give her up now

said william

well

remember

there are worse wrongs than breaking off

an engagement

before he left

william remarked to his mother

gyps very fond of me now

but if i die

she’ll forget me in three months

mrs morrell was afraid her heart beat

wildly hearing the bitterness in her

son’s words

he came home again in october

this time also alone

he was thinner than ever

he was doing extra work

trying to make some money to get married

with

on the sunday morning as he was putting

his collar on he showed his mother an

ugly red mark under his chin

three days after he left

a telegram came from london

saying that he was ill

mrs morrell read the telegram borrowed

some money put on her best clothes and

set off

it was six o’clock when she arrived at

william’s address

how is he

she asked the house owner

no better

she told her

william lay on the bed his eyes read his

face discolored

there was no fire in the room

no one had been with him

he looked at her

but did not see her

he was quite unconscious

how long has he been like this

asked mrs morrell

he got home at six o’clock on monday

morning and slept all day

the next morning he asked for you

so i sent you a telegram and fetched the

doctor

the doctor came again

it was a chest infection he said

and erysipelas

a rare skin disease

he hoped it would not get to the brain

mrs morrell settled down to nurse

at night she prayed for william

prayed that at least he would recognize

her

but his condition got rapidly worse

at two o’clock in the morning he died

mrs morrell sat perfectly still for an

hour in william’s bedroom

when day came

she sent a telegram

william died last night

let father come

bring money

morel had only once before been in

london

nervously he set off to help his wife

they returned to bestwood on saturday

night having walked from the station

in the house mrs morrell was white

and silent

all she said was

the coffin will be here tonight walter

you’d better arrange for some help

then turning to the children

we’re bringing him home

in the front room

morrell arranged six chairs opposite

each other for the coffin to stand on

at ten o’clock there was the noise of

wheels

arthur held one candle

annie another

outside in the darkness paul could see

horses a lamp

and a few pale faces

six miners in their shirt sleeves came

up the narrow garden path holding the

coffin high

steady steady

cried morrell

as if in pain

the six men struggled into the room with

the great wooden box

paul saw drops of sweat fall from his

father’s face onto the wooden top

at last

the family was alone in the room with

the great coffin

the mother was stroking the shining wood

oh my son

my son

she cried softly

oh my son my son

they buried him on the hillside that

looks over towards best wood

it was sunny

they laid a bunch of white flowers on

the warm earth

william had been right about lily

she wrote to mrs morrell at christmas

i was at a party last night

some charming people were there

i didn’t miss a single dance

after that

mrs morrell never heard from her again

then

on the 23rd of december

paul came home and gave his christmas

money to his mother with shaking hands

i feel bad mother

she undressed him and put him to bed

he had a serious chest infection the

doctor said

paul was very ill

his mother lay in bed with him at night

they could not afford a nurse

he grew worse

and the crisis approached

realizing how much his mother was

suffering

paul used all his willpower to hold on

to life

and finally he began to recover

he was in bed for seven weeks

and when he got up he was weak and pale

mrs morrell’s life now fixed itself on

paul

chapter seven

boy and girl love

paul went to willie farm many times

during the autumn

he made friends with the two younger

liver boys

edgar kept his distance at first

and miriam also did not let him approach

her

she was deeply romantic by nature

literature was important to her and

religion

she did not care much about being

beautiful

and in general she did not think highly

of the male sex

but she saw in poor a new type of male

quick and light

one who could be gentle and sad

who knew a lot

and who had had a death in the family

gradually he began to spend more time

with miriam

they had a common feeling for things in

nature

flowers trees and birds

she and her mother admired his paintings

and encouraged him

one dull afternoon when the others were

out

the girl said to him hesitating

have you seen the swing

no

he answered

where

come

she said

i’ll show you

in the cow house a great thick rope with

a seat on the end hung from the roof

paul sat down eager to try it

then immediately rose

come on then and have first go

he said to her

no

i won’t go first

she answered

you go

all right he said sitting down again

watch this

in a moment he was flying through the

air every bit of him swinging

diving like a bird in the pleasure of

movement

he looked down at her

her red woolen hat hung over her dark

curls

and her beautiful warm face was lifted

towards him

he gradually swung more slowly

and jumped off

this swings a real winner he cried

delightedly

miriam was amused that he took the swing

so seriously

don’t you want to try it

ask paul

well

not much

i’ll have just a little one

he held the seat steady for her

then started her moving

keep your feet up or you’ll hit the wall

she felt him catch her and push her

again and was afraid

again came his push at just the right

moment

huh

she laughed in fear

no higher

you’re not a bit high he complained but

no higher

he heard the fear in her voice and

stopped pushing

she felt sure he was going to push her

again

but no

he left her alone

she swung more slowly and got down

paul took her place and away he went

for a time he was nothing but a body

swinging in space

there was no part of him that did not

swing

she could never lose herself like that

later on they talked

she was very dissatisfied with her life

just because i’m a girl

why must i stay at home

why am i not allowed to do anything

what chance do i have

chance of what

of knowing anything

of learning

of doing anything

it’s not fair

just because i’m a woman

but it’s as good to be a woman as a man

said paul

is it

men have everything

but what do you want

he asked

i want to learn

why must i know nothing

you mean mathematics and french

yes

why can’t i learn mathematics she cried

her eyes widening

next time he went up to the farm

he found miriam cleaning the kitchen

ready to do some mathematics he asked

taking a little book from his pocket

but

he could see she was doubtful

you said you wanted to

he insisted

yes but tonight i wasn’t expecting it

however they made a start

paul taught miriam regularly

she had always studied the work from the

week before

but things came slowly to her

he got angry with her

felt ashamed

continued the lesson

got angry again

she listened in silence

she rarely protested

you don’t give me time to learn it

she was right

it was strange but no one else made him

so angry

when he saw her suffering

again he felt pity

his painting was improving

mr jordan had given him wednesday

afternoon off to go to the art school

he loved to sit at home alone with his

mother at night working and working

but when a drawing was finished he

always wanted to take it to miriam

the best wood library was open on

thursday evenings

paul and miriam were in the habit of

meeting there when they changed their

library books

afterwards paul often went part of the

way home with her

always when he went with miriam and it

got rather late

he knew his mother was worrying and

getting angry with him

she did not like miriam

she felt that the girl was leading paul

away from her

she will never let him become a man

she never will

she thought

so when he was away with miriam mrs

morrell got more and more annoyed

what are you so displeased about he

asked

is it because you don’t like her

i don’t say i don’t like her

but i don’t agree with young boys and

girls staying out late and never did

he kissed her

and went slowly to bed

he had forgotten miriam

he saw only that his mother was somehow

hurt

sometimes as they were walking together

miriam put her arms shyly into his

but he always disliked it

and she knew this

he himself did not know what was the

matter

he was so young

and their relationship was so unphysical

he did not know that he really wanted to

press her to his breast to reduce the

ache there

he was too ashamed to recognize the fact

that he might want her as a man once a

woman

neither of them could face such an idea

and the purity of their feelings

prevented even their first love kiss it

was as if she could scarcely accept the

shock of physical love

while he was too shy and sensitive to

give it

chapter 8

the battle of love

out of kindness to his mother

paul did not go much to willie farm for

a while

he sent two pictures to the autumn

exhibition of students work at the

castle museum

and both of them won first prizes

he was most excited

and his mother was enormously pleased

william had won sports prizes which she

still kept

she did not forgive his death

arthur now in the army was handsome warm

and generous

he would probably do well in the end

but paul was going to do something

important in life

she believed in him more firmly because

he himself did not seem to realize his

own capabilities

life for her was rich with promise

her struggle had not been for nothing

several times during the exhibition mrs

morrell went to the castle museum

unknown to paul

she wandered round the long room looking

at the other pictures

some made her jealous they were so good

then suddenly she had a shock that made

her heartbeat

there hung paul’s picture

named

paul morrell

first prize

she felt a proud woman when she passed

well-dressed ladies going home through

the park she thought to herself

yes

you look very fine

but i wonder if your son has two first

prizes in the exhibition

one day

paul met miriam in the street in

nottingham

he had not expected to meet her in town

she was walking with a rather impressive

young woman

fair-haired with a discontented

expression

who held herself boldly upright

it was strange how small miriam looked

beside this woman with the handsome

shoulders

miriam watched paul closely

his eyes were on the stranger

not on her

she explained that she had driven into

market with her father

i’ve told you about missy’s doors

she said nervously

clara

do you know paul

i think i’ve seen him before

replied missy’s doors showing little

interest as she shook hands

she had proud gray eyes

a skin like white honey and a full mouth

with a slightly lifted top lip

her clothes were simple and rather dull

clearly she was poor

and unlike miriam did not have much

taste

where have you seen me

asked paul

walking with louis travis

she replied

louis was one of the girls in the

factory

how do you know her

he asked

she did not answer

the two women moved on towards the

castle

paul remembered that clara was the

daughter of an old friend of mrs levers

she had once held one of the better jobs

at jordan’s and her husband baxter doors

still work there making metal parts

but mrs dawes was separated from her

husband and had taken up the cause of

women

people said she was clever

he knew baxter doors from work

a big well-built man of 31 or 2.

he had the same white skin as his wife

and a golden moustache

but his eyes moved continually this way

and that

he seemed to have little self-respect

usually he was rude and insulting

he and paul met often enough in the

factory

and disliked each other

clara doors had no children she now

lived with her mother

the next time miriam saw him she asked

what did you think of clara doors

she has a good figure

answered paul

but she doesn’t look very friendly

is she unpleasant as a person

i don’t think so

i think she’s discontented

still married to a man like baxter

what other things did you like about her

oh i don’t know

her passionate mouth

the shape of her throat

her skin

there’s something fierce about her

i think i’d like to do a painting of her

miriam seemed strangely lost in thought

you don’t really like her do you

he asked her

oh yes i do

she said

perhaps you like her because she’s so

much against men

paul was now 21.

mr jordan had put him in charge of the

department where he worked and had

increased his wages for 30 shillings a

week

at the art school he was studying design

he was also helping miriam to learn

french

on friday evenings when his father went

to the pub and his mother to the market

paul was left at home to wash the baking

of the bread

annie who is now engaged to be married

to leonard her young man was also out

visiting

at a quarter past seven there was a low

knock and miriam came in

he showed her his latest artwork and

corrected the french she had written for

him

this week she had done well

he loved to talk about his work with

miriam

all his passion went into these

conversations

somehow she lit up his imagination

aren’t you forgetting the bread

miriam said suddenly

paul rushed to open the oven door

out came bluish smoke

one loaf was hard as a brick

another was burned black along one side

paul tried to scratch off the burn part

then wrapped it in a wet towel and left

it in the back kitchen

they went back to their french until it

was time for miriam to go home

paul turned down the gas

and they set off

he did not get home again until a

quarter to 11.

his mother was in her chair reading the

local newspaper

annie was sitting in front of the fire

looking gloomy

the burnt loaf unwrapped

stood on the table

paul

felt very uncomfortable

for some minutes he sat pretending to

read

then

i forgot that bread mother

there was no answer from either woman

you don’t know how ill our mother is

said annie after a pause

why is she so ill

asked paul sharply

she could hardly get home

i found her white as anything sitting

here

said annie in a tearful voice

i had so many parcels

said mrs morrell

the meat and the vegetables and a pair

of curtains

let annie fetch the meat

said paul

but how was i to know

you were off with miriam instead of

being here when mother came

and what’s the matter with you

paul asked his mother

i suppose it’s my heart

she replied

she certainly looked bluish around the

mouth

and have you felt it before yes often

enough

and why haven’t you told me

and why haven’t you seen a doctor

you’d never notice anything

said annie

you’re too eager to be off with miriam

so that was why the bread was spoiled

said mrs morrell bitterly

no it was not

he replied angrily

i bought you a nice piece of cheese

said his mother

he was too angry to go and look for it

i don’t want anything

he said

if i want you to go out on a friday

night

you say you’re too tired

she complained but you’re never too

tired to go if she comes for you

i can’t let her go back alone

can’t you

then why does she come

because you want her

i do like to talk to her but i don’t

love her

paul explained

we talk about painting and books

you know you don’t care whether a

picture is decorative or not

how do you know i don’t care

oh you’re old mother and we’re young

he only meant that the interests of her

age group were not the interests of his

but the moment he had spoken he realized

that he had said the wrong thing

it was too painful

he realized that he was life to her

and after all she was the chief thing to

him

the only all-important thing

no mother i really don’t love her

i talked to her but i want to come home

to you

as he bent to kiss his mother she threw

her arms around his neck and cried in a

desperate voice quite unlike her own

it’s too much

i could let another woman but not her

and i’ve never

you know paul

i’ve never had a husband

not really

immediately he hated miriam bitterly

his mother kissed him

a kiss of passionate love

without knowing he gently stroked her

face

at that moment morel came in

walking unsteadily

his hat over one eye

he paused in the doorway

making more trouble

he said with an ugly look

mrs morrell’s feelings turned to sudden

hatred of her drunken husband

at least i’m not drunk

she said

morel disappeared and returned with a

piece of cheese in his hand

it was what mrs morrell had bought for

paul

and i didn’t buy that for you

if you give me only 25 shillings don’t

expect me to buy you cheese when you’re

already full up with beer

what

shouted morrell

what

not for me

he looked at the cheese in his hand

and suddenly threw it into the fire

paul jumped to his feet

waste your own food

he cried

what

what

shouted morrell

taking up a threatening position

i’ll show you

you cheeky young fool

all right

said paul hotly

show me

at that moment he wanted to hit his

father violently

there

cried morrell

delivering a great blow just past his

son’s face

even so close he did not dare to touch

the younger man

right said paul and was preparing to hit

his father on the mouth

he ached to land the blow

but he heard a frightened sound behind

him

his mother was pale as death

and dark around the lips morel was

dancing up to deliver another blow

father

said paul urgently

morrell shook and stood still

mother cried the boy

mother

she began to struggle with herself

she could not move

gradually she got more control

paul laid her down on the sofa and ran

to fetch her something to drink

the tears were streaming down his face

what’s the matter with her

said morrell sitting on the opposite

side of the room

she’s fainted

replied paul

morrell took his boots off and went

unsteadily to his bed

paul knelt there

stroking his mother’s hand

it’s nothing my boy

she whispered

paul made up the fire straightened the

room laid the things for breakfast

and brought his mother’s candle

he followed her up the stairs and kissed

her once more

good night mother

good night

she said

in the days that followed

everyone tried to forget what had taken

place

chapter nine

the defeat of miriam

the easter holiday began happily

paul rode his bicycle up to willie farm

but he was in a hard critical mood when

he went out walking around the farm with

miriam

paul kept on finding fault with her

they stopped to rest on a bed of dry

grass

why are you sad

she asked gently i’m not sad

why should i be

he answered i’m only normal

she wondered why he always called

himself normal when he was unpleasant

but what’s the matter

she insisted

nothing

he picked up a stick and dug the earth

with it in a fever of bad temper

gently but firmly

she put her hand on his

don’t

she said

put it away

he threw the stick into the grass and

leaned back

what is it

she asked again softly

he lay quite still with only his eyes

alive

and those full of unhappiness

you know

he said finally his voice rather tired

you know

we’d better break off

why

she asked

what has happened

nothing has happened

i can only give friendship

i’m not capable of anything more

it’s not equal our relationship

it’s ended

he meant that she loved him more than he

loved her

she pitted him in his suffering

he felt so ashamed

but i don’t understand

she said

i know

he cried

you never will

you’ll never believe i can’t

can’t physically

any more than i can fly

she whispered

love you

what have they been saying at home

she asked it’s not that

he answered but she knew it was

they did not talk much more that evening

instead paul and edgar went off on their

bicycles

he had come back to his mother

hers was the strongest time in his life

even miriam seemed unreal when he

thought about her

and in the same way his mother depended

on him

paul was going to change the face of the

earth in some way that really mattered

and yet for poor

it was not enough

his new young life so strong and

commanding was driving him on towards

something else

it made him mad with restlessness

miriam had not stopped hoping to win

paul back

he still visited the levers

but spent most of his time with edgar

in may she asked paul to come to the

farm and meet mrs dawes

he was rather excited at the idea of

seeing clara again

mrs dawes came for the day

her heavy fair hair was twisted on top

of her head

she wore a white blouse and a dark blue

skirt

miriam saw him look round eagerly at the

house

hasn’t clara come yet

he asked

yes

replied miriam in her musical voice

she came this morning

she’s reading

and is she any pleasanter

he asked again

you know i always think she’s quite

pleasant

clara sat inside reading

paul saw the back of her white neck with

the fine hair lifted up from it

she rose looking at him without interest

when she shook hands she seemed to keep

him at a distance

and yet offer him something

he noticed the roundness of her breasts

inside her blouse

and the fine curve of her shoulders

you’ve chosen a fine day

he said

it seems so

she answered

the conversation continued for a little

clara did not seem to find paul’s

comments at all clever

well i think i’ll go and see edgar he

said

and left them

after tea mrs levers said to clara

and you find life happier now

much happier

and

are you satisfied

if i can remain free and independent

yes

and you don’t miss anything in your life

ask mrs levers gently

i’ve put all that behind me

paul had been listening to this

conversation

you’ll find you’re always falling over

the things you’ve put behind you he said

and left to find edgar again

he felt he had been clever and was proud

of himself

he whistled as he went

a little later miriam came to ask if he

would go with her and clara for a walk

clara walked in front by herself a part

of the way her head bent

paul was curious about her

he forgot miriam who was walking beside

him talking to him

she looked at him

finding he did not answer her

his eyes were fixed in front on clara

do you still think she is unpleasant

she asked

something’s the matter with her

he said

yes

said miriam

they came to a field hidden by trees

around the edges

in the smooth grass beautiful bright

yellow spring flowers were growing

paul and miriam started picking them

clara wandered about looking depressed

then she knelt down

bending forward to smell the flowers

her neck looked such a beautiful thing

her breasts swung slightly in her blouse

the curve of her back was beautiful and

strong

suddenly without realizing paul was

dropping a handful of flowers over her

hair and neck

she looked up at him with fear in her

gray eyes

wondering what he was doing

suddenly standing there above her

he felt uncomfortable

clara laughed strangely and rose picking

the flowers from her hair

one flower remained caught in her hair

paul saw

but did not tell her

he collected the flowers he had dropped

unexpectedly she gave him a grateful

smile

going down the path they were all silent

as the evening deepened they could see

the mining village across the valley

little lights on a dark hill touching

the sky

it’s been nice hasn’t it

said paul

miriam agreed

clara was silent

he could tell by the way she moved

pretending not to care

that she suffered

at home he told his mother about clara

that she was poor

that she lived with her mother

that she was 30 years old

and what’s so charming about her my boy

asked his mother

i don’t know that she’s charming mother

but she’s nice

she seems straight you know

not a bit deep

mrs morrell

was not against the idea of clara

annie and leonard were getting married

she had saved 11 pounds and leonard 23

so the wedding took place almost

immediately

arthur came home

and looked sensational in his army

uniform

annie looked nice in a gray dress she

could also use for sundays

morel was cool to leonard

annie cried her eyes out in the kitchen

on leaving her mother

mrs morrell cried a little

then stroked her and said

don’t cry child

he’ll be good to you

afterwards paul and mrs morrell were

left alone

you’re not sorry she’s married mother

are you

no

but it seems strange

now she’s gone from me

when i think of my own wedding day

i can only hope that her life will be

different

i’ll never marry while i’ve got you

i won’t

he kissed her

and went to bed

mrs morrell sat thinking

about her daughter

about paul

about arthur

she was upset at losing annie

but paul needed her

and arthur needed her too

paul felt life changing around him

annie was married

arthur was living his own life of

pleasure

for both of them life lay outside their

mother’s house

they only came home for holidays and

rest

paul dreamed of following them

yet home for him was beside his mother

he grew more and more restless

miriam did not satisfy him his old wish

to be with her grew weaker

sometimes he met clara in nottingham

sometimes he saw her at willy farm

but between paul and clara and miriam

there was always a kind of struggle

for miriam’s 21st birthday paul wrote

her a long rather philosophical letter

which more or less brought their

relationship to an end he was now 23

years old and his sexual need was

growing strong

often when he talked to clara doors he

was conscious of his blood flowing

quicker

of something alive in him

of a new self

a new consciousness

he knew that sooner or later his need

would have to be satisfied

chapter 10

clara

when he was 23

paul sent in a painting to the winter

exhibition at the castle museum

one morning the postman came when mrs

morrell was doing the washing

suddenly paul heard a wild noise from

his mother

rushing into the kitchen he found her

screaming and waving a letter as if she

had gone mad

the postman too came running back

afraid something bad had happened

his pictures got first prize fred she

cried

and it’s been sold for 20 pounds

that looks like meaning something

said the young postman

didn’t i say we would do it she said

pretending she was not crying

morell was greatly impressed

twenty pounds

for a bit of a painting that took him

just an hour or two

he said amazed

yes

and that other boy would have done as

much

if they hadn’t killed him

he added quietly

the thought of william went through mrs

morrell like a sharp knife

arthur left the army and immediately got

married to beatrice whom he had known

for years

the baby was born six months after the

wedding

with the help of beatrice’s mother mrs

morrell found furniture for a little

two-room house

he was caught now

for a while he refused to settle down

and got annoyed with his young wife

who loved him

he nearly went mad when the baby cried

or gave trouble

he complained for hours to his mother

who only said

well my son

you did it yourself

now you must make the best of it

and then the stronger side of his

character appeared

he accepted his responsibilities

recognized that he belonged to his wife

and child

and made a good job of it

the months passed slowly

one day a friend of clara’s in best wood

asked paul to take a message to mrs

doors

in the evening after work he went to the

house where she lived with her mother

the street was poor

and the paint on the front door was old

a large fat woman of about 60 answered

his knock

this was mrs radford

clara’s mother

in a moment

clara appeared

her face went red

she seemed embarrassed he had discovered

her at home like this

she invited him into the kitchen

where the two women spent all their time

making lace

the room was full of the white snowy

stuff

clara gave him a chair brought him a

beer and went on with her work her arm

moved mechanically as she used the

machine

her head was bent over the lace

her life seemed so narrow

so limited poor thought

her grey eyes at last met his

he recognized that she was deeply

unhappy

a kind of prisoner

he felt shaken

it was not what he had expected

she had seemed so high and proud

he left in a kind of dream

the girl in charge of the stocking

department at jordan’s was leaving to

get married

he told clara about the vacant position

so clara came back to jordan’s

now they were fellow workers and saw

each other several times a day

when paul was painting in the afternoon

she often came and stood near him

keeping perfectly still

although she stood a yard away

he felt as if she was pressed against

him and he was full of her warmth

then he could paint no more

he threw down the brushes and began to

talk

on paul’s birthday he met clara by

chance in the dinner hour

they decided to go together up to the

castle

at the top they leaned over the wall

away at the foot of the rock tiny trees

stood in their own pools of shadow

and tiny people went rushing about with

amusing self-importance

she disliked towns

clara told him when things are natural

they’re beautiful

and what isn’t natural

ask paul

everything man has made

she answered

including man himself

but

his women made him

he remarked

wasn’t baxter doors natural

she changed color and looked away from

him

we will not discuss it

she said

later that afternoon the postman brought

paul a small packet

it was a book of poems with a note

inside

please allow me to send you this

i am sympathetic to your problems

and wish you well

cd

paul felt deeply moved and warmed

towards her

after this they often went out together

in the dinner hour

paul asked her about doors

how old were you when you married

22

that was eight years ago

yes

and when did you leave him

three years ago

five years together

did you love him when you married him

i thought i did

more or less

i didn’t think much about it

he wanted me

and why did you leave him finally

because he was unfaithful to me

i believe he still loves you

said paul

probably

she replied

she was a married woman and believed in

simple friendship

paul considered that he was behaving

quite correctly towards her

it was only a friendship between man and

woman such as any sensible people might

have

it seemed to him quite plain

miriam was his old friend and lover

she belonged to bestwood and home and

he’s growing up

clara was a newer friend

and she belonged to nottingham

to life

to the world

clara rarely saw miriam now

they were still friends but the

friendship was much weakened

will you come to the concert on sunday

clara asked paul just after christmas

i promised to go up to willie farm

he replied

you’re not upset are you

why should i be

she answered

again paul found himself telling her

about miriam

she wants me so much

that i can’t give herself

she wants the soul out of my body

and yet you love her

ask lara

no

i don’t love her

i never even kiss her

why not

clara asked

i don’t know

i suppose you’re afraid

anyway

she doesn’t want to have your soul

that’s your imagination

she wants you

he thought about this

perhaps he was wrong

but she seems he began

you’ve never tried

she answered

chapter 11

the test on miriam

with the spring the old madness came

back to paul

he did not feel he wanted marriage with

miriam

and yet he wanted to belong to her

it was a powerful need struggling with a

still stronger shyness

he had a great tenderness for miriam

he could not fail her

mrs morrell saw him going back to miriam

and was amazed

he said nothing to his mother

he did not explain or excuse himself

if he came home late and she made a

comment he answered coldly

i shall come home when i like

i’m old enough

and his mother went to bed leaving the

door unlocked for him

but she lay awake listening until he

came

often long after

it was a great bitterness to her that he

had gone back to miriam

that summer the cherry trees at the farm

were heavy with fruit

they stood very tall hung thick with

bright red and dark red drops

paul and edgar were gathering the fruit

one evening

it had been a hot day

and now the clouds were rolling in the

sky

dark and warm

the wind made the whole tree swing with

a thrilling movement that excited paul

he sat unsteadily among the higher

branches feeling slightly drunk with the

tree’s movement

and tore off handful after a handful of

the smooth cool fruit

cherries touched his ears and neck as he

leaned forward

red colored fruit glowed under the

darkness of the leaves

the sun going down caught the broken

clouds

enormous piles of gold shone out in the

southeast

the world

until now gray was bathed by the golden

glow

making trees and grass and far off water

shine

miriam came out to watch

oh

paul heard her call

isn’t it wonderful

he looked down

there was a pale light on the soft face

turned up to him

how high you are

she said

he threw a handful of cherries at her

she was taken by surprise and was afraid

he laughed and rained more cherries down

on her

she ran off to escape them

picking up some cherries on the way

she hung two fine pairs over her ears

then looked up again

haven’t you got enough

she asked

nearly

it’s like being on a ship up here

how long will you stay

till the sunset ends

she watched the gold clouds turn to

orange then rose

then reddish purple

until the passion went out of the sky

all climbed down with his basket

and lovely

said miriam

feeling the cherries

i’ve torn my sleeve

said paul

it was near the shoulder

she put her fingers through the tear

how warm

she said

he laughed

there was a strange new sound in his

voice

shall we walk a little way

he said

they went down the fields as far as a

thick wood

shall we go in among the trees

he asked

do you want to

yes

it was very dark in the wood

she was afraid

paul was silent and strange

he seemed hardly conscious of her as a

person

to him

she was only a woman

he stood against a tree and took her in

his arms

she gave herself to him

but as a victim

feeling some sort of horror

this thick voiced man was a stranger to

her

later it began to rain

paul lay with his head on the ground

listening to the sharp sound of the

raindrops

his heart was heavy

he realized that she had not been with

him

that her soul had stood back

his body felt calmer

but that was all

she put her hands over him to feel if he

was getting wet

we must go

said miriam

yes

said paul

but did not move

the rain is coming in on us

said miriam

he rose and helped her up

they walked hand in hand

in a while they went indoors

they made love a number of times after

this

afterwards paul always had the feeling

of failure and death

you don’t really want me when i come to

you

said paul gloomily after a week or two

no

don’t say so

she said

taking his head in her arms

don’t i want your children

shall we get married then

said paul

we’re too young

she said after a pause

not yet

with paul the sense of failure grew

stronger

at first it was only a sadness

then he began to feel he could not go on

he wanted to run

go abroad

anything

gradually he stopped asking her to have

him

he realized consciously that it was no

good

told his mother that he would break off

with miriam

on sunday he went up to the farm in the

early afternoon

miriam met him at the end of the farm

road

she was wearing a new dress with short

sleeves

she had made herself look so beautiful

and fresh for him

they sat down

he lay with his head on her breast

while she stroked his hair

she knew that he was somehow

absent

i’ve been thinking

he said finally

we ought to break it off

what

she cried in

surprise because it’s no good going on

i want us to break off

you to be free of me i free of you

how many times have you offered to marry

me and i wasn’t willing

i know

but i want us to break off

you’re a child of four

she said in her anger

and what can i tell my mother

she asked

i told my mother that i was breaking it

off

cleanly and completely

he said

i shan’t tell them at home she said

it’s always been the same

one long battle between us you fighting

me off

not always

not at first

he argued

always

from the very beginning

always the same

he sat in silence

his heart was hard against her

he left her at the road end

as she went home alone in her new dress

having to face her family at the other

end

he stood without moving on the high road

filled with pain

and shame

chapter 12

passion

after leaving miriam paul turned almost

immediately to clara

one evening they went to the cinema

and he took her hand in his

she neither moved nor made any sign

on saturday evening he invited her to

have coffee with him after work

afterwards they walked for a little in

the park

and in the darkness he caught her

suddenly in his arms and kissed

for the whole of the next day he only

thought of seeing her again

monday was his half day at work

he asked her if she would come out with

him

they agreed to meet at half past two

in the bus she leaned against him

and he took her hand

they got out beside the river and

crossed the bridge

they walked along the path above the

river and came to a locked gate

paul climbed over first

then clara climbed up onto it and he

held both her hands

laughing she looked down into his face

then she jumped

her breast came against his

he held her

and covered her face with kisses

they decided to go down to the river’s

edge below

slipping and sliding they made their way

to the bottom of the steep wooded bank

paul found a flat place the foot of two

trees

it was covered with wet leaves

but it would do

he threw down his raincoat

and waved to her to come

she sank down at his side

he pressed his lips to her throat

and felt the beat of her blood under his

lips

everything was perfectly still

there was nothing in the afternoon but

themselves

they had a steep climb to get back to

the public path at the top

then they walked into clifton and had

tea at a guest house

he was madly in love with her now

every movement she made

every fold in her clothes sent a thrill

through him

mrs morrell was sitting reading when he

got home

you’re late

she said looking at him

his eyes were shining his face seemed to

glow

yes

i’ve been down at clifton grove with

clara

she’s

she’s awfully nice mother

would you like to know her

yes

said mrs morrell cooley

i should like to know what she’s like

you don’t expect to like her

said paul

i’ll bring her here on sunday for tea

shall i bring her

you please yourself

said mrs morrell laughing

paul knew that he had won

he mentioned to miriam that clara was

coming to tea on sunday

i want my mother to meet her

he added

ah

there was a silence

i may call in before i go to the church

service

miriam said

it’s a long time since i saw clara

very well

said paul

surprised

and unconsciously angry

on the sunday afternoon paul met clara

at keston station

clara followed paul into the house

mrs morrell rose

the younger woman was very nervous

i hope you don’t mind my coming

she said hesitatingly

i was pleased when paul said he would

bring you

replied mrs

morrell looking at paul she thought what

a man he looked in his dark well-made

clothes

her heart glowed

she and clara started talking about

nottingham

clara is still rather nervous

mrs morrell still rather proud

but they were getting on well together

paul saw

mrs morrell measured herself against the

younger woman

and found herself easily the stronger

clara was very respectful

she knew how highly paul thought of his

mother and she had been fearful of this

meeting

expecting someone hard and cold

she was surprised to find this little

interested woman chatting so easily with

her

at t the atmosphere was cool and clear

where everyone was themselves and in

tune with the others

afterwards paul cleared the table then

walked into the garden leaving the two

women to talk

clara offered to help wash the dishes

and was allowed to dry the tea things

it was painful for her not to be able to

follow him into the garden

but at last she allowed herself to go

she went to paul who was watching the

bees among the autumn flowers

at that moment

miriam was entering through the garden

gate she saw clara go up to paul

saw him turn

and saw them move together

something in the relationship told her

that they were already a couple

they were looking into each other’s eyes

laughing

at that moment they became conscious of

miriam

and everything changed

miriam shook hands with clara saying it

seems strange to see you here

yes replied the other

it seemed strange to be here

there was a pause

it is pretty isn’t it

said miriam

i like it very much

said clara

then miriam realized that clara was

accepted here as she could never be

she asked paul for a book to read

he ran indoors to find one

when he returned clara turned to go

indoors

leaving him to walk with miriam to the

gate

when will you come to willy farm

miriam called to her

i couldn’t say

replied clara

mother asked me to say she’d be pleased

to see you anytime

thank you

but i can’t say when

oh

very well

said miriam with some bitterness

and left

that evening the lovers went out over

the fields

clara leaned against him as they walked

and he held her closer and closer

suddenly paul’s blood flamed up in him

he caught her in his arms and kissed her

again and again

but she was worried about catching her

train

they had only 14 minutes to get to the

station

so they ran madly through the darkness

away to the right they could see the lit

up train approaching

at last clara fell into the train

completely out of breath

the whistle

blew she was gone

before he knew where he was

he found himself back home in the

kitchen

do you like her

he asked his mother rather unwillingly

yes

i like her

but you’ll get tired of her my son

you know you will

you better take some hot milk

he refused and went to bed

feeling confused and angry

chapter 13

baxter doors

paul wanted to see a play which was at

the theater royal in nottingham that

week he asked clara to come with him

he took his evening clothes in a

suitcase and changed at jordan’s after

work

at the theater clara took off her coat

and he discovered she was in a sort of

green evening dress that left her arms

and neck and part of her breast bare

he could almost feel the firmness and

softness of her body as he looked at her

he sat all the evening beside her

beautiful bare arm

watching the strong throat

the breasts under the green stuff

the curve of her body in the tight dress

he somehow hated her because she made

him suffer the ache of her nearness

when the lights went down

she sank against him

and he stroked her hand and arm with his

fingers

the play continued

but it seemed like a dream far away from

him

the reality was clara

the white heavy arms

a throat

a chest

rising and falling

when all was over the lights up the

people clapping

he came to himself

he helped her on with her coat

i love you

you are beautiful in that dress

he whispered over her shoulder among the

crowd of people

it seemed to him that he met a pair of

brown eyes full of hate as they made

their way out of the theater

but he did not know whose eyes they were

he and clara turned away and walked

towards the station

two or three evenings later

paul was drinking in the punch bowl pub

with some of his friends

when baxter doors came in

he looked much thinner and seemed to be

on a downhill path

his woman louie had left him

and he had recently spent a night in

jail for fighting

paul and he were enemies

but as fellow workers there was a

familiarity between them

paul often thought about doors

and wanted to know him better

this evening he offered doors a drink

doors refused with a curse and went on

making insulting references to paul’s

friendship with clara

paul tried to pay no attention

but one final remark caused him to throw

half a glass of beer in dorse’s face

it was nearly an ugly fight

but the quick thinking barman led doors

to the door

and forced him to leave the pub

paul told clara jokingly of the quarrel

with her husband

the color rose in her face

her gray eyes glowed with anger

she advised paul to carry a gun because

she said

doors was dangerous

paul laughed at the idea

but in fact a violent quarrel at the

factory a few days later led doors to

attack mr jordan

and ended with doors losing his job

clara was indeed passionately in love

with paul and he with her

as far as passion went

one evening they were walking down by

the river

and his mind was somewhere else

clara listened to him whistling a sad

dissatisfied tune

she walked on in silence

when they came to a bridge he sat down

looking at the stars in the water

she sat beside him

will you always stay at jordan’s

she asked

no

i shall leave nottingham soon and go

abroad

go abroad

what for

i don’t know

i feel restless

i shall not go for long while my

mother’s there

and

if you made a nice lot of money

what would you do she asked

live in a pretty house near london with

my mother

i see

there was a long pause

don’t ask me anything about the future

he said gloomily

i don’t know anything

just be with me now

she caught him passionately to her

pressing his head down on her breast

she could not mistake the suffering in

his voice

and soon the struggle within him died

away

and he forgot clara was there anymore

only a woman

warm and passionate there in the dark

and she gave herself to him

she knew how alone he was

when paul came to his senses he realized

he was lying on the grass

the warmth he felt was clara’s breathing

what was she

a strong strange wild life

breathing with him in the darkness

after such an evening they were both

very still

having known the enormous power of

passion

but clara was not satisfied

he might leave her

she had not got him

for paul the fire of love slowly died

away

he felt more and more that his

experience had been impersonal

and not with clara

he felt a great tenderness for her

but it was not she who could keep his

soul steady

he had wanted her to be something she

could not be

once when they were by themselves he

asked her

do you ever want to marry me

do you want to marry me

she replied

yes

i should like us to have children

he answered slowly

but you don’t really want to divorce

from baxter do you

it was some minutes before she replied

no

she said

i don’t think i do

gradually their lovemaking became more

mechanical

without the wonderful high points of

that first time

one night he left her to go to the

railway station over the fields

he did not have much time

and it was very dark

he was going through a gate when he saw

a dark figure leaning beside it

paul morrell

said the man

he knew it was doors

i’ve got you haven’t i

said

doors i’ll miss my train

said paul

all right then

answered doors

and suddenly the younger man was knocked

backwards by a blow across the face

the whole night went black

then he began to see doors more clearly

and hit him above the mouth

suddenly from nowhere came a great blow

behind the ear

he heard doors his heavy breathing like

a wild animals

he hung on to the bigger man like a wild

cat

till at last doors fell with a crash

and paul went down with him

his hands pressed the other man’s throat

in a blind need to kill him

then he was thrown to one side

he felt his enemy kicking him as he lay

on his back

helpless

then he lost consciousness

paul woke gradually

he knew where he was and what had

happened

but he did not want to move

at last his willpower forced him to get

up

he was sick with pain

but his brain was clear

he found a pool of water and washed his

bloody face and hands

the icy water stung

but woke him fully

all he wanted was to get to his mother

on foot

as in a terrible dream

he made the journey home

everybody was in bed

his face was raw and badly marked

almost like a dead man’s face

the night was a long

bad dream

in the morning he woke to find his

mother looking at him

her blue eyes

they were all he wanted to see

she was there

he was in her hands

it’s not much mother

he said

it was baxter doors

he had a displaced shoulder

and the second day his breathing also

became very difficult

his mother was as pale as death

and very thin

she sat and looked at him then looked

away into space

clara came to see him

then miriam came

you know i don’t care about them mother

he said

i’m afraid you don’t my son

she replied sadly

people were told it was a bicycle

accident

and soon he was back at work again

to 14.

life

at an end

in may

paul decided to spend four days in

blackpool with a friend

his mother went to stay for a week in

sheffield with annie who now lived there

perhaps the change would do her good

paul arranged to join them on the fifth

day

and stay in sheffield till his holiday

was over

his four free days passed enjoyably

without a worry or a black thought

on the fifth day paul ran up the steps

of annie’s house expecting to find his

mother laughing in the front room

but it was annie who opened the door

his mother ill he said

yes

she’s not very well

don’t upset her

annie replied

is she in bed

yes

a strange feeling came over him

he dropped his bag and ran upstairs

his mother was sitting up in bed

she looked at him almost as if she were

ashamed of herself

he saw her grayish color

mother

he said

i thought you were never coming

she answered brightly

but he only fell on his knees at the

bedside and buried his face in the

blankets crying in pain

she stroked his hair slowly with her

thin hand

what is it mother

he said at last

she said without looking at him

it’s only a lump

a boy

it’s been there for some time

his tears rose up again

his mind was hard and clear

but his body was crying where

she put her hand on her side to show him

he sat on the bed and took her hand

when did you get ill

he asked

it began yesterday

she answered

you ought not to have traveled alone

he said

as if that had anything to do with it

she answered quickly

now go and have your dinner

they’re waiting for you

after dinner he went into the kitchen to

help annie wash the dishes

annie began to cry

the pain she had yesterday

never saw anyone suffer like it

she cried

leonard ran like a madman for dr ansel

and when she got to bed she said to me

annie

look at this lump on my side i wonder

what it is

when i looked

i nearly dropped

it’s a lump as big as an apple

i said

good heavens mother

whenever did that come hi child she said

been there a long time

she’s been having these pains for months

at home and nobody looking after her

but she’s been seeing the doctor in

nottingham she says

and she never told me

he said

in the afternoon he went to see dr ansel

a wise lovable man

can’t you operate

asked paul

not there

said the doctor

might it be cancer

i don’t know

i would like an examination by her

regular doctor dr jamison but you must

arrange it

he will charge you not less than ten

pounds to come all the way from

nottingham

paul agreed to make the arrangement

and went to see dr jameson in nottingham

two days later

he was friendly

busy

kind

he agreed to come to sheffield the next

day

a sunday

paul went home to see his father

they now employed a little serving girl

called minnie

and she was looking after him

paul had written him a letter to tell

him about his wife

that his father was afraid to mention

her

but yet in silence

well

and how is she

ask the old miner at last

she can sit up

we can carry her down for tea

said paul

you must go and see her next week father

i hope she’ll be home by that time

said morel

if she’s not

said paul

you must come

dr jameson came on the sunday as agreed

together with dr ansel

the examination did not take long

arthur paul and leonard waited nervously

for the two doctors to come downstairs

they were told that an operation was

impossible

mrs morrell’s heart was too weak

but it might be possible to reduce the

lump by using suitable drugs

paul had to go back to work

on the saturday walter morrell took the

train to sheffield

when he arrived he looked lost

the old man came into the bedroom rather

fearfully

how do i find you my girl

he said kissing her hurriedly and shyly

well

i’m half and half

she replied

i can see you ah

he said

looking down on her

then he wiped his eyes with his

handkerchief and sat looking at her

almost as if she was a stranger

mrs morrell did not change much

she stayed in sheffield for two months

at the end of that time she was if

anything rather worse

but she wanted to go home

so they got a motor car from nottingham

because she was too ill to go by train

morel knew she was coming

he had the front door open

half the neighbors came out to greet her

mrs morrell smiling drove home down the

street

they saw her smile and nod

it was a great event in bestwood

morel wanted to carry her inside

but he was too old

arthur picked her up as if she was a

child

they put a big deep chair near the fire

where her old chair used to stand

when she was unwrapped and sitting down

and had drunk a little wine

she looked round the room

don’t think i didn’t like your house

annie

she said

but it’s good to be in my own home again

and morrell added in a shaky voice

it is girl

it is

while paul was in sheffield he heard

from dr ansel that a man from nottingham

was in the local fever hospital

he was none other than baxter doors

paul decided to visit him

it appeared the doors had come to take

up work in sheffield

but after only a day or two had fallen

seriously ill

paul told him about his mother’s illness

and offered to visit him again when he

returned to sheffield

back in nottingham he told clara about

doors

she seemed very upset by the news

is he very bad

she asked guiltily

he has been

he’s improving now

there was a distance now between the

lovers

i’ve behaved badly to him

she said

and now you’re behaving badly to me

it’s what i deserve

he loved me a thousand times better than

you ever did

as soon as she could she went to

sheffield to see her husband

the meeting was not a success

but she left him roses and fruit and

money

she wanted to repay him

even though her heart was not warm with

love

mrs morrell got gradually worse

paul knew and she knew that she was

dying

but they kept up a pretence of

cheerfulness

doors was now in a rest home near

nottingham and paul visited him there

sometimes

a peculiar friendship developed between

the two men

doors still very weak seemed to rely on

paul

the days and weeks went by

december came

and some snow

all stayed at home all the time now

they could not afford a nurse so paul

shared the nursing with annie

their mother had strong drugs every

night to help her sleep

and her heart beat irregularly

annie slept beside her

paul went in in the early morning when

his sister got up

mrs morrell’s eyes grew darker and

darker

her body thinner

her skin grayer

can’t you give her something to put an

end to it

he asked the doctor at last

but the doctor shook his head

walter morrell was silent and frightened

sometimes he went into the sick room to

look at her

then left in confusion

one evening

paul collected all the sleeping pills

there were and took them downstairs

carefully he made them into a powder

he put the powder into the hot milk

which he took to his mother at nine

o’clock

she drank a little

and looked at him with dark wondering

eyes

oh

it is bitter paul

she said

making an expression of distaste

it’s to help you sleep better

he said

she drank some more of the milk

oh it is horrible

she told him

paul brought her a little cold milk to

take away the taste

mrs morell drank it down

she was sighing with tiredness

her heartbeat was very irregular

paul and annie settled her down for the

night

as usual annie slept with her and paul

slept in the next room

he was woken suddenly by annie’s

whispered

oh

paul

come and look at her

his mother lay with her cheek on her

hand

in the same position as before

but her mouth had fallen open

and she was breathing with loud heavy

breaths with long pauses in between

they sat silently listening to the great

rough breaths

the night went by breath

by breath

still it was dark

his father got up

and i better stay

he whispered

no

go to work

answer paul

in a few minutes he heard his father’s

heavy footsteps on the snow outside

he watched the snow growing blue

a grey deathly dawn followed

annie came in and looked at him

questioningly

just the same

he said calmly

soon the neighbors came with their

frightened question

how is she

at ten o’clock the district nurse came

nurse

cried paul

she’ll continue like this for days

she can’t mr morrell

said the nurse

she can’t

at about 11 o’clock he went downstairs

and sat in the neighbor’s house

suddenly annie came flying across the

garden crying

pull

paul

she’s gone

in a second he was back in his own house

and upstairs

they all stood back

he kneeled down and put his face to hers

and his arms round her

i love

i love

oh my love

he whispered

again and again

i love

all my love

their father came home from work

about four o’clock

he came silently into the house and sat

down

tired he laid his black arms on the

table

the serving girl hurried to give him his

dinner

at last paul said

you noticed the curtains were closed

laurel looked up

no

he said

why

has she gone

yes

when was that

about 12 this morning

he at his dinner

washed and went upstairs to change

in a little while

he went out

paul went to get the doctor’s

certificate and to tell the men the

common measure for the coffin

when he got back about eight o’clock

the house was empty

except for

her room was cold but had been warm for

so long

she lay high on the bed

the shape of the covering from the

upright feet was like a clean curve of

snow

so silent

with a candle in his hand he bent over

her

she lay like a girl asleep and dreaming

of her love

only the hair as it curved back from her

face was mixed with silver

after two days the relations came for

the funeral and the children had to

welcome them

they buried her next to william in a

terrible storm of rain and wind

the wet earth and all the white flowers

shone with rain

annie held paul’s arm and leaned forward

down below she saw a dark corner of

williams coffin

the wooden box sang steadily

she was gone

the rain poured down

and the crowd in black with their

umbrellas turned away

the burial ground was empty under the

pouring rain

paul went home

and kept himself busy passing round

drinks to the guests

his father sat in the kitchen with mrs

morrell’s relations

and cried

saying what a good woman she’d been and

how he’d tried to do everything he could

for her

paul hated his father for his self-pity

to 15

the death of hope

paul felt lonely and defeated

his mother had really supported his life

he wanted someone to help him their own

choosing

but clara was not strong enough for him

to hold on to

she wanted him

but did not want to understand him

if no one was willing to help him

he would go on alone

doors was almost completely recovered

from his illness

he had found a job and a place to live

in sheffield

he was going to start work on monday

paul knew that his own relationship with

clara was over

and that she would go back to doors

she did in fact go with her husband to

sheffield

and paul scarcely saw her again

there was little affectionate feeling

between father and son as there was no

one to keep the home together

and as neither of them could accept the

emptiness of the house

paul took a room in nottingham

and morel went to live with a friendly

family in bestwood

paul’s life

had fallen to pieces

he could not paint

at work there was no clara

there was nothing left

everything seemed so different

so unreal

there seems no reason why people should

walk along the street

why houses should stand in their places

the most real thing to him was the thick

darkness of night

that seemed whole and meaningful

and restful

sitting alone in his room

he heard two voices in his head

what am i

doing destroying myself

that’s wrong

why wrong

she’s dead

what was it all for

a struggle

you’re alive

you’ve got to stay alive for her sake

carry on for her

go on with your painting

painting is not living

marry then

have children

marry who

miriam

but he did not trust this answer

always alone his soul swung first to the

side of death

then stubbornly to the side of life

the real disaster was that he had

nowhere to go

nothing to do

nothing to say

and was nothing himself

he felt completely disconnected from

other people

he went by chance to church one sunday

evening

and there was miriam a few rows in front

of him

he found her outside after the service

what are you doing in town

he asked

i’m staying at my cousin anz just till

tomorrow

he invited her to come back to his room

for supper

they took the bus

and scarcely spoke until they reached

his place on the edge of town

in his room supper was laid

paul made coffee

miriam told him shyly that she was going

to train as a teacher at broughton

college

i suppose you’re glad

said paul

very glad

well

you’ll find earning your own living

isn’t everything

after supper they sat by the fire facing

each other

you’ve broken off with clara

miriam asked

yes

you know

she said

i think we ought to be married

why

you’re wasting yourself like this

i’m not sure

he said slowly

that marriage would be much good

you want to put me in your pocket

and i would die there

what will you do instead

she asked

i don’t know

go on i suppose

perhaps i’ll go abroad

there was a long silence

will you have me

to marry me

he said

in a very low voice do you want it

she asked

deeply serious

not much

he replied with pain

and without marriage

we can do nothing

no

she said

a voice like a deep bell

no

i think not

he went with her to her cousin’s house

and left her there

as he turned away

he felt the last foothold for him had

gone

the town stretched away to the distance

a flat sea of lights

behind him lay the country

with little points of light from more

towns

the sea

the night

on

and on

on every side the enormous dark silence

seemed to be pressing him into

nothingness

and yet

though so small and unimportant

he was not nothing

he whispered

in sharpest pain

mother

she was the only thing that helped him

to remain himself among all this

she was gone

a part of the earth again

but no

he would not give in

he straightened himself

and closed his lips firmly

he would not take that direction

to the darkness

to follow her

he walked towards the distant noise

the glowing golden lights of the city

quickly

you

第一

章 早年

莫雷尔一家住在贝斯特伍德村的一所矿业公司为其员工建造的房子里

格特鲁德莫雷尔 31 岁

，结婚八年

她的丈夫沃尔特是一名煤矿工人

有两个孩子

威廉 一个 7 岁的

男孩和只有 5

岁的安妮 莫雷尔夫人在两个月内怀上了她的第三个孩子

，

他们负担不起第三个孩子，

她不想要它

的父亲大部分空闲时间都

在

她不尊重的酒吧里喝酒 对他来说，但她

与他息息相关，

她厌倦了

与贫穷、丑陋

和肮脏的斗争

格特鲁德·莫雷尔来自诺丁汉

家庭，受过教育，信奉教堂，

她的父亲是一位不成功的工程师，

她有她母亲的

身材魁梧，她 父亲清澈的蓝眼睛

23 岁时她在

圣诞晚会上遇到了一个 27 岁的年轻人。

沃尔特有一头闪亮的黑色波浪形头发和

黑胡子，

他经常开怀大笑

响亮的笑声

他的动作很快 他是一个

出色的舞者

他对每个人都很开放和愉快

格特鲁德

不像沃尔特那样喜欢快乐 从来没有见过像他这样的

人

他的身体燃烧着柔和的金色

火焰 生命的火焰，

在她看来 华特·

莫瑞尔同样对格特鲁德印象深刻

她的蓝眼睛 她柔软的棕色卷发

一个美丽的微笑

她说话

很有教养 她

在下一个圣诞节他们结婚时有淑女的举止

，三个月来她非常高兴，因为

她钦佩他 作为一个未成年人，

每天冒着生命危险，

有时当她自己厌倦了

爱情谈话时，她试图

认真地向他敞开心扉，

他恭敬地倾听她，

但不理解

她意识到她无法

与他分享她更深层次的想法和想法，

而是

他接受了 她很高兴

在房子周围做些小工作，

她的第一个大震惊是当她

发现他们新买的东西的账单

家具还没有付清

，他并没有像他告诉她的那样拥有他们的房子，

而是付了房租

而且房租太高了，然后

他开始迟到了，

他们这些天工作很晚，不是吗？

对邻居说，

他们总是这样，

她回答了，

但他们停下来在酒吧喝了一杯

，然后他们开始谈论晚餐的

冰冷，这正是他们

应得的，

但莫雷尔先生不喝酒

那个女人狠狠地看着莫雷尔夫人

然后继续她的工作

没有说

第一个男孩出生时，莫雷尔夫人病得很重

起初很虚弱，

但他很快就变得强壮了

他是一个漂亮的婴儿，

有着深金色的卷发和深蓝色的

眼睛

，逐渐变成了清澈的灰色

他来了，就在她的

失望最严重

，她的生活似乎最空虚的时候

她把所有的注意力都放在了她的孩子身上

，

当孩子还小的

时候，父亲就嫉妒了，这常常惹恼莫雷尔

，有时他会打它，

然后

莫雷尔太太恨她的丈夫好几天，

觉得自己不被爱，莫雷尔出去

喝酒，她向他打招呼

对他

喝

羊肚菌的猛烈抨击

即使在周日早上的假期里

，他总是在五六点左右早起 他通常起床

准备

早餐 孩子和他父亲一起起床，而

母亲又躺了一个小时左右

威廉现在一岁了 他的

母亲为他感到骄傲

一个星期天的早晨，莫雷尔夫人躺在那里

听他们两个在

楼下说话，

然后她睡着

了

孩子羞愧地站在两腿之间

，头发剪得像羊一样短

，在火堆前铺开的报纸上

躺着威廉斯·金铜

rls 在火光中闪闪发光

莫雷尔夫人一动不动地站着

，脸色苍白，

所以

你觉得他怎么样？莫雷尔

有点内疚地笑了起来。

她上前准备打他，

我可以杀了你，我可以

她说

她很生气，几乎说不出话来

她挑了

孩子把脸埋在他的

肩头痛哭

莫雷尔坐在那儿震惊地看着火

后来她说她

很傻 男孩的头发迟早要剪掉

但她

在她的余生中都记得这件事 从现在开始就想让她的

丈夫更亲近她

他是一个局外人

这让她的生活更

容易接受 遗憾的是

她

在试图让他变得比他更好时与他完全相反

她毁了

他 羊肚菌是可怜的

羊肚菌 预计每周给他的妻子 30

先令来支付所有

费用 租金 食品 衣服 保险 医生

有时

星期五晚上和星期六和星期日 更多的时候 更少

羊肚菌 大部分时间都是免费的 在啤酒方面，

他很少多给威廉一分钱

或一磅苹果。有

一个公共假期，他决定

和他的一个饮酒伙伴一起步行到诺丁汉，

他们大部分时间

都花在酒吧里

晚上，莫雷尔回来了，

踢开了花园的大门，打破了

锁，

他摇摇晃晃地走进厨房，

几乎把桌子上正在冷却的一碗沸腾的液体弄翻了，

上帝保佑我们在他

醉醺醺的

时候回家，莫雷尔夫人哭着回家

大声喊她丈夫他的帽子盖住一只眼睛

说你没醉

晚上

她回答说

我们很清楚当你

和你漂亮的杰瑞出去时你会做什么如果

有钱可以喝酒

如果没有别的钱

我一整天没花两先令

他说

好

如果杰瑞一直在给你买饮料，告诉

他把钱花在他的孩子身上，

他们需要钱

，你自己的孩子怎么办

你给我 25 先令 和你一起做

任何事

整天喝酒

半夜滚回家 这是一个谎言

这是一个谎言 闭上你的脸

女人 争吵越来越激烈

每个人都忘记了一切 除了他们

对对方的仇恨

她只是 像他一样生气

你是个骗子

他大喊着

用手敲着桌子

你是个骗子

你是个骗子

她对他的所有厌恶现在

都倾泻而出

你在这房子里不过是泥土

她哭

离开

它是

我的，是我把钱带回家，不是

你离开

，我会

她为自己的无能为力而哭泣，

我早就离开了

，

但对于那些孩子

，你认为我会为你留下吗？

走到她身边，紧紧握住她的

手臂 y

她哭着挣扎着想要自由

他粗暴地把她带到外面的门

，把她推出了房子，砰

的一声关上门，锁在她身后，

然后他筋疲力尽地倒在椅子上

，很快失去了意识

她站了一会儿盯着

无助的八月夜里，

她的身体颤抖着

想起了她体内未出生的孩子

，黑暗中充满了鲜花的芬芳

，

到处都没有任何噪音，然后一列火车

冲过几英里外的山谷，

她走到后门试图去

处理

它。 仍然锁

在窗外，她只能看到

丈夫的头放在桌子

上，张开双臂 温暖的

敲门声不时在

窗户上

告诉自己最后他必须

等待

他终于听到了敲门声然后醒来

打开门

沃尔特她冷冷地说

意识到w 莫雷尔太太进来了，

他匆忙打开门。

她看见他

羞愧地走上楼梯

，终于她自己上床睡觉了，

莫雷尔已经睡着了

第二章

保罗的出生

在婴儿出生之前莫雷尔太太打扫卫生

房子从上到下

一天晚上莫雷尔回到家

孩子已经到

了 助产士在厨房遇见了他

你的妻子心情

不好 是个男孩

他把外套挂了

然后跌倒在椅子

上 你有吗

他

让护士给他喝了一杯

然后一言不发地给他上了

晚餐然后回到楼上

他吃了他的饭

坐了20

分钟生火

然后

不情愿地走到卧室

他的脸仍然是黑色的，

汗流浃背 站在床尾

你好吗

他问

我会没事

的 很感兴趣，

他想亲吻她，

但他不敢，

所以他离开了房间，

莫雷尔夫人坐着看着她的孩子

，孩子抬头看着她

，那双蓝眼睛和她的一样

，似乎带出了她不再爱的最

隐秘的想法

她的丈夫，

她不想要这个孩子

，它躺在她的怀里，牵动

着她的心，

一股炽热的爱从她身上

涌向孩子，

她把它抱在脸上和胸前

更喜欢它

现在它

在这几个月里就在这里 羊肚菌对

他似乎因工作而筋疲力尽的一点点感到生气

他抱怨火是否低或他的

晚餐不合他意

如果孩子们吵闹 他

对他们大喊大叫

他们恨他，恨他和他那糟糕的温柔

善良，让他们

的母亲

热血沸腾。 我离开你的

视线，

他回答说

急忙逃跑

11点还没回家

她终于听见他来

了 他报复了

他喝醉

了 屋子里没有东西吃

他粗鲁地问

你知道有什么

她冷冷地说

他摇摇晃晃地靠在 桌子

，拉桌子抽屉拿

刀切

面包 抽屉卡住了

，他拉得更用力，

它飞了出来，勺子叉子

刀掉在地板

上 婴儿被噪音吵醒了

你在做什么你喝醉了

傻瓜妈妈哭了

在试图将拉环装回去的

时候

，他愤怒地把他的腿摔伤了，他把它捡起来

扔给他的妻子，

其中一个角击中了她的眼睛上方，

血液流进了她的眼睛

，红色的水滴落在了婴儿的

毯子上 打你 问 莫雷尔

弯下腰 摇摇晃晃

走开

让我看看 女人

她闻到他呼吸中的

酒味 无力地推开他

他站着盯着她

亲爱的你对你做了什么

他问

你可以看到它做了什么

她回答

米夫人 奥瑞尔不让他碰她，

她亲自清理了伤口，上楼

告诉他修好火，锁上门，

这是她自己的错，

他后来告诉自己

，听到她的声音

，到下个星期三他恨她了，他已经没有

钱了，

他

第二天，莫雷尔太太发现钱

不见了

，确定

他在吃晚饭时拿走了他妻子的钱包，

她冷冷地对他说，

你从那里拿了六便士吗？ 昨晚我的钱包，

虽然他否认了，但

她知道他在撒谎，

所以你从我的钱包里偷了六便士，

而我正在把洗衣服拿进来

她指责说

我会让你付钱。

不久之后他脸上的表情 他穿好衣服

下来了

威廉和安妮带着包裹匆匆走出家门，惊讶地发现

他们的父亲走

了他要去哪里

问威廉

我不知道

他说他妈妈

用手帕包着他的

东西他说他不会回来

怎么办 我们确实

叫了男孩一个

警报别担心

他不会走远

但

如果他不回来

安妮害怕地说

她和威廉坐在沙发

上当莫雷尔夫人去

煤房取煤时泪流满面 在花园的尽头，

她感到门后藏着什么东西

，在黑暗中，

是那个蓝色的大包裹。

她

笑着回到屋里，

威廉和安妮又哭了起来，

因为她给他们留下了

愚蠢的婴儿，

她说

下到煤里去 房子，看看

门后

，然后你就会看到他走了多远

他们去看看不再担心

他们心满意足地去睡觉

莫雷尔夫人坐着等

她厌倦了他

累得要死

他甚至没有勇气去

大约九点钟，他的东西比花园的底部更远 他进来时

看起来很内疚

她什么也没说

他脱下

外套坐下来脱掉他的靴子

你最好

先把你的东西从煤房取来再拿走你的 脱掉靴子

她悄悄说

你要感谢你的星星 我

今晚回来了

他说

想打动她

他看起来很傻 她甚至没有

生他的气

但她的心很苦

因为他曾经是她三个爱的男人

威廉带头

一段时间后，

劳雷尔病重，

他的妻子照顾他

，变得坚强，

他很快就康复了，

他几乎像个孩子一样依赖她

，现在她对他更宽容了，

因为她不那么爱他了，

而是

她转向爱和生活

孩子们

和他半信半疑地

让他们在她心中占据了他的位置

晚上他们坐在一起时

他不安地

感到一种空虚

然后他上床

睡觉她安顿下来享受自己

独自

工作

思考

生活 婴儿 保罗讨厌被他抚摸

通常是一个安静的婴儿 他在

父亲的怀里变得僵硬并立即

开始尖叫

这是父母之间和平时期的果实

这个新生婴儿又是一个男孩，他们

称他为亚瑟，

他非常漂亮

，有一头金色卷发

，他从第一次

听到父亲的脚步声开始

就爱他的父亲，他曾经挥手

威廉变得更大、更强壮、

更活跃，

而可怜的

总是相当

瘦弱的人变得越来越瘦

，威廉 13 岁时，

他的母亲给他在合作社办公室找了一份工作，

他父亲想让他去 成为

像他一样的未成年人

他不会去矿井

莫雷尔夫人说

如果你妈妈在 12 岁时把你放在矿井里，

那就结束了，我没有理由 应该对

我的男孩做同样的事情

她为她的儿子感到非常自豪

他是一个聪明的男孩，天性开放

，眼睛是最清澈的灰色

他上夜校并接受过文员培训，

然后他成为了夜校的老师，

他可以

12 岁时，他像风一样奔跑，他在一场

比赛中获得了第一名，

他比任何男孩都跳得更高，扔得更远

，

威廉开始变得雄心勃勃，

他把所有的钱都给了他的母亲，

他和店主的儿子们一起去

， 学校老师

他享受所有最好的社交和体育

生活

他也喜欢

跳舞 尽管有他的母亲

他是女士们的最爱 他很

喜欢告诉保罗他的

成功

关于这段时间他开始

和一个朋友一起学习 他开始学习

法语和拉丁语以及其他

他和弗雷德·辛普森一起学习

到半夜的东西，有时直到凌晨一点，

他脸色苍白

，莫雷尔夫人惊恐地

求他多注意自己的

健康

当威廉 19

岁时，他突然离开合作社办公室

，在诺丁汉找到了一份工作，

现在他每周有 30 先令而

不是 18 先令，

他的父母为他感到骄傲，

似乎他会

在生活中取得成功

威廉姆斯留在他的工作中 在诺丁汉

呆了一年，

他努力学习，但他仍然参加

了所有的舞会和派对，

然后他在伦敦获得

了一份每年英镑的职位，

他们希望我在星期一周的莱姆街上找我

妈妈，当他读到这封信时，他哭了，他的眼睛闪闪发光

莫雷尔夫人觉得她内心的一切都安静

了

我不是告诉过你我能做到吗

想想我在

伦敦我可以给你 20 英镑一年

妈妈

我们都会滚滚滚滚的钱

当他离开的那一天到来时她悲伤地回答 离

她越来越近，她感到越来越绝望，

她如此爱他，

现在他要离开了，她觉得

他快要离开她的心了，

留下她唯一的痛苦和悲伤，

在他离开之前，他才二十岁，

威廉烧毁了他的情书档案。

和他的女朋友们

然后他去

伦敦开始新的文件

第4章

保罗的童年

保罗的

身材像他妈妈一样小而苗条他的

金发逐渐变成深棕色

他的眼睛是灰色的

他是一个苍白安静的孩子

，看起来很老 在他的岁月里，

他对别人的感受很敏感，

尤其是

当他母亲不高兴时，他理解

并且无法平静

这次全家搬到

山顶附近的

另一所房子，在

保罗 过去常常

和他们街上的其他孩子出去在路灯

下玩耍，当矿工们不再

从矿井回家时，

他害怕地跑回

厨房，灯仍然燃烧

着火红，

莫雷尔夫人独自坐着，蒸汽从矿井里冒出

煮锅 餐盘在

桌子

上等着 整个房间似乎在

等着那个坐在

离家一英里外的冰冷泥土中没有稀释剂的人

oss 黑暗

喝醉了

当 morrell 回家

时，屋子里的每个人都保持安静，

因为他很危险，

他粗暴地吃他的食物

，当他完成后把所有的

锅推开，把他的头和手臂

放在桌子上，

然后他去睡觉了

啤酒、疲倦

和脾气暴躁

羊肚菌被排除在家庭活动之外

没有人告诉他任何事情

他是一个局外人

他进入家庭生活的唯一一次是

当他在房子周围找到工作时

有时在晚上他修补靴子

或水壶

或者

他每天带去矿井的

冷茶金属瓶，然后他总是需要帮手

，孩子们喜欢帮助他

如果 morrell 有工作要做，

那么他总是很早就上床睡觉

当他们的父亲在床上时，孩子们感到很安全

morrell 夫人把大部分注意力都放在了威廉身上

但当他去诺丁汉工作

，不怎么在家时，

她成了保罗的伴侣，

两兄弟有点

嫉妒对方，

但同时他们还是

好朋友，

周五晚上是烘焙之夜和市场之

夜，因为 工资在

星期五发 保罗应该呆在

家里看烤炉里的面包

喜欢一个人画画或看书

他非常喜欢画画

莫雷尔太太喜欢她的

营销 市场上总是到处都是女人

她 平时跟卖布

的人吵架 跟水果人聊天

跟鱼人笑 对

卖锅的人冷冷客气

但这次

一个蓝色花朵装饰的小碟子

引起了她的注意

他告诉她 七便士

她放下碟子

突然走开 锅男喊

你要五王子吗

她很惊讶

她弯下腰拿起盘子

我要了

她说

保罗在等她

他爱她回家 g

她总是处于最佳状态

疲倦 快乐 被

包裹压得喘不过气来

她把包裹掉

在了桌子上，她的绳袋

是她要求做的面包

去

烤箱 最后一个正在烘烤

他回答

你不用看

我没有 忘

了你觉得我买这个多少钱因为

她说从他的

报纸上拿盘子包

一先令和三便士

说保罗

五

便士两人站在一起欣赏盘子

她展开另一张

报纸给他看一些小开花

植物

四便士 为了这些

，

他哭得多么便宜，

是的，

但我这周都买不起，

但她很满意

他们很穷，秋天

威廉刚去伦敦，他的

母亲错过了他的钱，

他一次或两次寄了十先令

但他有很多开支

他每周定期给母亲写一封信

他告诉她

他所做的一切 他如何结交朋友

他如何

在她打扫房子时整天享受伦敦

他在伦敦

他会过得很好

威廉圣诞节回家

五天 从来没有这样的准备

保罗和亚瑟用绿叶装饰厨房

安妮做了漂亮的彩色纸串

莫雷尔太太烤了一个特制的水果蛋糕

米糕

小芝士蛋糕

一切都

装饰好了 大火燃烧

厨房里弥漫着新鲜烘焙的味道

威廉本应在七点钟到期，

但他迟到

了 孩子们去车站

接他

莫雷尔坐在扶手椅上

紧张不安

莫雷尔太太安静地继续

烤面包 没

人说话

他们等了

又

等 终于传来了人声

和脚步声

他来

了

两秒钟后，她不再抱着

他亲吻他，

然后她退后一步，努力让自己变得

正常，

但你有多晚了，不是吗？

他哭了

向他

父亲求婚，爸爸，

我的孩子，

马雷尔的眼睛湿了，

我们以为你永远不会来

了，两个男人握手，

一切都正如人们

所说的那样威廉环顾四周，

每个人都静止了一秒钟，

然后他向前倾身拿起一块新

烤的饼干，

然后 把它全部放进嘴里

他给他们带来了无穷无尽的礼物

他为母亲花在它们身上的每一分钱

有一把

带柄的金雨伞

他一直保存到她临终那天

有几磅

在贝斯特伍德完全不为人知的美妙糖果

家里的每个人都高兴得发疯，

人们都来看威廉

，看看伦敦给他带来了多大的改变

，

他们都觉得他

是一位如此绅士，

如此优秀的年轻人，

当他再次离开时

，我说孩子们泪流满面。

自己去睡觉了

，莫雷尔太太做了她所有的家务

，几天来机械地剥夺了所有的感觉

r william 去了

伦敦，就在保罗离开

学校后，他

还没

上班，在他在矿井工作时，一块大石头落在了莫雷尔的腿上

，在几个地方摔碎了

他在医院度过了一个非常糟糕

的一周，他 情况很严重，

然后他开始好转，

知道他要康复

了，家人开始减少担心

，重新快乐

起来 她和他一起分享了几乎所有的东西

，

他们了解到

，家里可以多么宁静。

保罗现在 14 岁，正在

找工作，

他的脸已经失去了孩子气的圆润

，看起来相当粗糙，

但很有表现力，

他是一个非常聪明的男孩画家

他的年龄

和他懂一些法语德语和

数学

他不够强壮，无法进行艰苦的

体力劳动他的母亲说

他不喜欢用手做东西，

但更喜欢去乡村散步

或 阅读

或绘画

你想成为什么

他的母亲问

他不知道

什么

是没有答案的

莫雷尔夫人说

但这是他唯一能给出的答案

然后你必须在报纸上寻找

广告

说他的母亲

他复制了一些广告并且

带他们给她

是的

她说

你可以试试

他用了一封威廉为他准备的信 写给

提供工作的不同公司

他的笔迹很糟糕

威廉从伦敦骑马

发烧

他似乎对他的新人的速度感到不安

生活，

他的母亲能感觉到他迷失了自己，

他写过舞蹈

，去

河上的船剧院，和

朋友出去玩，

但她知道他后来在

寒冷的卧室里坐了起来，学习拉丁语，尽可能

地学习法律，

因为他 想要提高自己，

他从来没有给他母亲寄过任何钱，

现在他的生活全被他所拥有的那一点点拿走了，

莫雷尔夫人仍然梦想着威廉，

他能做些什么

在她的心里

她很担心

他现在也写了很多关于他

在舞会上遇到的一个女孩

莉莉韦斯顿

他的小名是吉普赛人

她年轻

漂亮

穿得很好

而且很受男人的钦佩

他的母亲祝贺他在她的

怀疑 时尚，

她想象他和一个昂贵的妻子绑在一起

，很可能是一个老傻瓜。

她告诉自己

期待最坏的情况，

但仍然

担心威廉很快会做错事，

保罗被要求在 21 岁

的时候去医疗器械制造商 thomas jordan 接受采访

西班牙猎犬路

诺丁汉 莫雷尔夫人很高兴

你看到

她哭得眼睛闪闪发光

你只写了四个字母

第三个就得到了答复

我总是说你很幸运

保罗看着乔丹先生的木

腿穿着弹力袜

的照片 便条纸

他不知道有弹力袜

八月的一个炎热的早晨，母子俩出发了

呃

，她只猜到

他们乘火车走了 16 英里到诺丁汉

，

母子俩沿着车站街走，

感受到恋人分享冒险的兴奋，

他们找到了一条通向城堡的狭窄街道

，发现了他们经过的 thomas jordan 标志

一扇大门口通向一个

装满箱子和包装

东西

的空地，

在他们前面走上两层楼梯是一扇脏兮兮的玻璃门

，上面写着公司名称

莫雷尔夫人推开

门站着，惊讶地发现

他们在一个大房间里 车间里

堆满了厚厚的纸包

，克拉克卷起袖子从容地做着自己的

事，

我能看到乔丹先生吗？

她问了一位职员，

我去接他

。 房间里

一个红脸、白发的老头

朝他们走来，

他腿短

，比较胖，

他们跟着他到他的办公室，

被叫坐下，

你写这封信了吗？

他问保罗举起它

是的

他回答

你在哪里学的写

从口袋里掏出一张纸

递给保罗

读到，

他说

那是一封法语信，用奇怪的

蜘蛛般的外国

字迹很难看懂。

没有

选择 工厂老板纠正他

丝袜没有手指

保罗讨厌这个小男人让他

看起来很愚蠢

他什么时候可以开始 乔丹先生问他的

母亲 同意保罗以

每周八

先令的价格被

聘为初级职员 星期一早上，他跟着他母亲下楼

，她蓝眼睛注视着他，

充满喜悦的爱意

，

保罗六点起床 准备工作

他已经

以 1 英镑 11 先令的价格买了他的火车季票

，他的母亲把他的晚餐装在

一个小篮子里。

她站在路边看着他

穿过田野去

车站 世界上有两个儿子，

一个在伦敦

，一个在诺丁汉，

他们来自她

，他们的工作也将是她的

整个上午她都在想

工厂里的

保罗 保罗被告知要和帕特沃斯先生一起工作，

他是一个有趣的人，大约 36

岁的

阿普沃斯 告诉他该怎么做

他们必须阅读订购不同设备的信件

在一本大书中记下每个订单

在黄色订单纸上写下确切的细节

，然后将订单带到要下订单的部门之一

弹力

袜或绷带

后来他被介绍给波莉和

楼下的姑娘们

，然后是范妮和楼上的姑娘们

，保罗在他的晚宴上一点钟，

然后他就出去享受阳光和

自由 街上直到

下午两点

下午五点没什么可做的 所有人都

下楼喝茶 喝完

茶 煤气灯亮着

保罗已经完成了他的文书工作

，现在他必须把成品收拾好

包裹

写上地址并

在每个包裹上盖上正确的邮票

他终于可以自由地拿起他的餐

篮

赶上 820 路列车

他在工厂的一天

正好有 12 个小时

他那天晚上没有回家 直到 20 点

九点钟，

他脸色苍白，疲倦，

但他的母亲看到他很

高兴，

他告诉她

一切他所看到的

一切他的想法

经历的每一个细节，

所以时间过得很

愉快工厂是一个友好的地方，

没有人匆忙或 开车太用力了，

每个星期五晚上，他都骄傲地把他的八

先令放在厨房的桌子上，

然后他告诉他母亲当天发生的事情

，

这几乎就像是她自己的生活

第 6 章

家庭中的死亡

亚瑟莫 雷尔在成长过程中

他像他的父亲一样敏捷而粗心

他讨厌学习和努力工作

他是家庭的花

一个身材好的男孩 有一头金

黄色的头发和漂亮的深蓝色眼睛

他脾气暴躁，只

想到 他自己，

他爱他的母亲，

但她厌倦了他有时

他爱他的父亲，莫雷尔仍然

认为他的世界，但现在

亚瑟开始恨他，

他父亲在家里的举止变得

越来越糟糕，

因为他们对他来说太多了

亚瑟过去常常跳起来离开

家，他脾气暴躁，以至于当

他在诺丁汉的文法学校获得一席之地时，

他的母亲把他送到她的一个姐妹那里住

，所以他只在周末回家

安妮是一名初级教师 最好的木头

学校

每周收入大约 4 先令，

但很快她就会得到 15 先令，

因为她已经通过了考试

，这将使

家里的财务状况更容易一些。

威廉现在与他的 gi 订婚了

rl 给她买了一枚订婚戒指

他想在圣诞节带她回家

这次

威廉和那位女士一起来了，

但

莫雷尔夫人已经准备好晚饭了，

他急忙亲吻他的母亲，然后

退后一步，非常时髦地介绍了一位高大英俊的

年轻女子

穿着

这里的

吉普韦斯顿小姐伸出她的手

露出牙齿微笑着

哦

，你好吗莫雷尔夫人

她说我怕你会饿

说莫雷尔夫人

哦不，

我们在火车上吃过晚饭

她环顾厨房

照片上装饰着绿叶，这对她来说似乎又小又好奇，粗犷的小桌子

安妮带她到前卧室

，父母通常在那里睡觉

，

半小时后回来取热水，韦斯顿小姐

穿着另一件漂亮的衣服下来

莫雷尔让她

坐在火边

的扶手椅

上 十点钟，三个孩子围坐在一起，默默钦佩，她四处握手

，然后上床睡觉

五分钟后由威廉带头，他又下楼了，

但他很少说话，直到他

和母亲单独在一起

他的心很痛

他不知道

为什么妈妈

你喜欢她

是的，谨慎的回答

她不像你妈妈

她不是 严肃的

，她不能认为

她的母亲在她小时候就去世了

她没有爱

我知道她看起来很肤浅

你必须原谅她很多事情

你不能太快判断

莫雷尔夫人说

但威廉内心仍然不舒服

百合 继续扮演她坐着的好女人

，让安妮或保罗充当她的

仆人

，但她已经有一年没那么好

了，她曾

在复活节的伦敦办公室担任某种秘书或文员，

威廉独自回家

，他讨论 百合没完没了地和他

妈妈

在一起 你知道妈妈

当我离开她的时候

我一点也不关心她

但是

当我晚上和她在一起时

我非常喜欢

她 结婚是一种奇怪的爱

莫雷夫人说

如果她抱着你不超过

保罗的工资在

圣诞节增加到每周 10 先令，

他在乔丹家很开心，

但他的健康因工作时间长而受到影响，

而且

他的母亲想帮助

他度过半天假期 星期一

下午 5 月

的一个星期一吃早餐时，

莫雷尔夫人告诉保罗，她的朋友

莱弗斯夫人邀请他们去

他们的新农场拜访她

威廉给她的伞是因为太阳

，走了许久，

他们终于来到了一组低矮的红色

农舍，

那里有苹果树和一个有鸭子的水池，

一些奶牛站在树下

当他们进入花园时，

一个女孩出现了 在房子的门口，

她大约 14 岁

，留着黑色的短卷发和黑色的眼睛，

她很快就消失

了，另一个身影出现

了一个小女人，

同样有着一双深棕色的大眼睛，

哦，

她说 smi 玲，

你来了，

我很高兴见到你，

她介绍了那个黑卷发的女孩，

她的女儿

米里亚姆，他们四个一起喝茶，

然后他们出去在树林里散步，

母子俩都被

美丽所震撼

当他们回到家时，他们

发现利弗斯先生和

厨房里的长子

埃德加 edgar 大约 18 岁。

然后两个小男孩放学回来了，

男孩们都出去玩

miriam 看过的游戏，但没有加入 因为

她很害羞，

终于是羊肚菌

回家的

时候了

莫雷尔太太和保罗完全静止

在一起 不是很可爱

当他们在那里的时候，房子里很温柔，

但是威廉经常在

八天的逗留中感到恼火，莉莉带来了

五件衣服和六件衬衫，

哦，请你洗这两件衬衫

以及

她对安妮说的其他事情，

而安妮和安妮留下来洗

莉莉出去了

这让莫雷尔夫人非常生气

威廉读书很多，头脑很

活跃，

但莉莉觉得阅读很困难，

她除了做爱

和社交之外

什么都不懂

想我们明年可能会结婚

婚姻一团糟 它会得到

答复 他的母亲

我应该再考虑一下 我的孩子

没有什么比失败的婚姻

更糟糕 我已经够糟糕了 上帝知道

我不能放弃她 现在

威廉说

记得

有比在他离开前解除婚约更糟糕的错误

威廉对他的母亲说

吉普斯现在非常喜欢我

但如果我死了

她会忘记我的 三个月后，

莫雷尔太太害怕她的心

狂跳 听到她

儿子的话中的苦涩

他在十月再次回家

这次也是独自一人

他比以往任何时候都瘦

他正在做额外的工作，

试图

在星期天早上结婚赚钱 当他戴上

衣领时，他向母亲展示了

他下巴下的一个难看的红印，

三天后，他

从伦敦来了一封电报，

说他病了，

莫雷尔夫人看了电报，借了

一些钱，穿上她最好的衣服，然后

出发 当她到达威廉的地址时是六点钟，

他怎么样了，

她问房主，

她告诉她

威廉躺在床上，他的眼睛读懂了他的

脸色

，房间里没有火，

没有人和他在一起，

他看着 在她身上

但没有看到她

他完全昏迷

了多久了 他这样

问莫雷尔夫人

他星期一早上六点到家

，第二天早上睡了一

整天 他要找你

所以我送你 发了电报叫了

医生 医生又来了

他说是胸部感染

丹毒

是一种罕见的皮肤病

他希望不会传染到大脑

莫雷尔夫人晚上安顿下来护理

她为威廉

祈祷 祈祷至少他会 认识

她，

但他的病情

在凌晨两点迅速恶化，他去世了

莫雷尔夫人在威廉的卧室里一动不动地坐了一个

小时，

天亮了，

她发了一封电报，

威廉昨晚去世了，

让父亲

来带钱，

莫雷尔以前只有一次 他在

伦敦

紧张地动身去帮助他的妻子，

他们周六

晚上从车站步行回到了

贝斯特伍德，在房子里，莫雷尔夫人脸色苍白

，一言不发，

她只

说棺材今晚会在这里，沃尔特，

你最好安排一些 帮助

然后转向孩子们，

我们正在把他带回家

在前厅

莫雷尔安排了六把椅子

彼此相对，让棺材

站在十点钟那里 车轮的声音

亚瑟举着一根蜡烛

安妮 另一个

在黑暗中 保罗可以看到

马 灯

和几张苍白的脸

六个穿着衬衫袖子的矿工

走上狭窄的花园小道

高高

地举着棺材 稳定地

莫雷尔哭着

仿佛在痛苦

中 六个男人拿着大木箱挣扎着走进房间

保罗看到他

父亲脸上的汗水滴到木头顶上

终于，全家人独自一人在房间里

，母亲正在抚摸着闪亮的木头

哦，我的儿子，

我的儿子

她轻声哭泣

哦，我的儿子，我的儿子，

他们把他埋在山坡上，山坡

上朝最好的树林

，阳光明媚，

他们

在温暖的土地上

放了一束

白花 昨晚有一个派对

，有一些迷人的人在那里

我没有错过任何一次舞会

之后

莫雷尔夫人再也没有收到她的消息

然后

在 12 月 23 日

保罗回家给他的圣诞

礼物 和他妈妈握手

我感到很难过 妈妈

她脱掉他的衣服让他上床睡觉

他胸部严重感染

医生说

保罗病得很重

他妈妈晚上和他一起躺在床上

他们请不起护士

他变得更糟

危机逼近

了，他意识到他的母亲遭受了多大的

痛苦，

保罗用他所有的意志力来

维持生命

，最后他开始康复，

他在床上躺了七个星期

，当他起床时，他虚弱而

苍白 在

保罗

第七章

男孩和女孩的爱情

保罗在秋天多次去威利农场

他与两个年轻的

肝脏男孩

埃德加成为朋友埃德加起初保持距离

，米里亚姆也不让他接近

她

她天生浪漫

文学是 对她和宗教很重要，

她不太在乎

美丽

，总的来说，她不怎么看好

男性，

但她在穷人身上看到了一种新型的男性，

敏捷

而轻盈， 温柔忧伤

知道

很多 家里人都过世了

渐渐地他开始多花些时间

陪 Miriam

他们对大自然的事物有共同的感觉

花树和鸟儿

她和她的母亲欣赏他的画

并鼓励他

一个沉闷的下午，当其他人都

出去

的时候，女孩犹豫

着对他说，你看到秋千了吗？

没有，

他回答说

从哪里来，

她说

我会

带你去牛舍看一根粗大的绳子，绳子

的末端有一个座位，悬挂在屋顶上

保罗 坐下来渴望尝试

然后立即站

起来，然后先去

他对她

说不，

我不会先去

她回答

你去

好吧他说再坐下

看

这个片刻他在空中飞

有点他挥舞着，

像鸟儿一样跳水，在运动的乐趣中

他低头看着她

她的红色羊毛帽子挂在她深色的

卷发上

，她美丽温暖的脸朝他抬起

，

他慢慢地摆动起来

，从

这个秋千上跳下来 一个真正的赢家，他高兴地哭了，

米里亚姆很高兴他

如此认真地挥杆，

你不想试试吗

问保罗，

不多，

我只要一点

他为她扶稳座位，

然后让她开始移动，

保持你的 抬起脚否则你会撞到墙上

她感觉到他抓住了她又推了她

又害怕

了他的推来的恰到好处

她害怕地笑了

不更高

你不是有点高他抱怨但

没有更高

他 听到她声音里的恐惧，

不再推

她，她确信他会再推她

，

但没有，

他让她一个人

呆着 在太空中

，他的身体没有不

摆动的地方，

她永远不会那样迷失自己，

后来他们谈起

她对自己的生活很不满意，

因为我是女孩，

为什么我必须待在家里，

为什么我不允许这样做

什么我有什么机会

知道任何事情

学习做任何事情

仅仅因为我是一个女人是不公平的，

但是做一个女人和男人说的一样好

我什么都不知道

你的意思是数学和法语

是的

为什么我不能学数学

下次他去农场时她哭得睁大了眼睛

他发现米里亚姆正在打扫厨房

准备做一些数学 他要求

从口袋里拿出一本小书

但是

他可以看出她很怀疑

你说你想要

他坚持

是但今晚我没想到

但他们开始了

保罗定期教米里亚姆

她一直在研究前一周的工作

但事情慢慢地对她来说

他很生气 她

感到羞愧

继续上课

又生气了

她沉默地听

她很少抗议

你不给我时间学习

她是对的

这很奇怪但是

当他看到她受够了没有其他人让他如此生气

再次响起，他感到很遗憾，

他的画作在进步，

乔丹先生让他周三

下午请假去艺术学校，

他喜欢晚上独自坐在家里和

母亲一起工作和工作，

但是当一幅画完成时，他

总是想把它拿走 对 miriam 来说

，最好的木头图书馆在星期四晚上开放，

paul 和 miriam 有见面的习惯，

后来他们换了

图书馆的书

，paul 经常和 miriam 一起去

回家的路的一部分，

他总是和 miriam 一起去，而且时间

已经很晚了，

他 知道他的母亲在担心和

生他的气

她不喜欢

miriam 她觉得那个女孩正在把保罗

从她身边带走

她永远不会让他成为一个男人

她永远不会这样

她

认为当他和 miriam 离开时 莫雷尔

夫人得到了更多 更生气

你为什么不高兴他

问

是因为你不喜欢她

我不是说我不喜欢她

但我不同意年轻男孩和

女孩在外面呆得很晚而且从不 如果

他吻了她

然后慢慢上床

他已经忘记了 miriam

他只看到他的母亲

有时在他们一起走的时候受到了某种伤害

miriam 害羞地把她的手臂抱在他的怀里

但他总是不喜欢

这样 她知道这一点

他自己也不知道是什么 是因为

他太年轻，

而且他们的关系如此不肉体，

他不知道他真的想将

她压在胸前以减轻

那里的疼痛，

他羞于

承认他可能希望她成为一个男人的事实。

两个女人

都无法面对这样的想法

，他们的纯洁感情

甚至阻止了他们的初恋之吻

，仿佛她几乎无法接受

肉体爱情的冲击，

而他又害羞又敏感，无法

给予它

第8章

爱的战斗

出于对母亲的好，

保罗有一段时间没怎么去威利农场，

他在城堡博物馆的秋季

学生作品展上寄了

两张照片，他们都获得了一等奖，

他是最 兴奋

，他的母亲非常高兴

威廉赢得了她

仍然保留的体育奖项

她不原谅他的死

亚瑟现在在军队英俊

热情慷慨

他最终可能会做得很好，

但保罗会做一些

生命中重要的事情

她更坚定地相信他，因为

他本人似乎并没有意识到

自己的能力

生活对她来说是充满希望的

在展览期间，她的斗争不是

白费的 莫雷尔夫人去了保罗不为人知的城堡博物馆

她在城堡周围闲逛 长长的房间

看着其他的照片

有些让她嫉妒 他们是如此的好

然后她突然震惊了，让

她的心跳

在那里挂着保罗的照片，

名字叫

保罗莫雷尔

一等奖

当她经过穿着考究的女士们回家时，她觉得自己是一个骄傲的女人

朴，她心里想，

是的，

你看起来很好，

但我想知道你儿子是否

在展览中获得了两个一等奖，

有一天

保罗遇到了米里亚姆 在诺丁汉的街上，

他没想到会在城里遇见她。

她正和一个相当令人印象深刻的

年轻女子

同行 密切注视着保罗，

他的眼睛盯着陌生人

而不是她

她解释说她

和她父亲一起开车去市场

我已经告诉过你小姐的门

她紧张地说

克拉拉

你知道保罗

我想我以前见过他

回答小姐的门

握手时没有什么兴趣

她有一双骄傲的灰色

眼睛 皮肤像白蜂蜜

嘴巴微微上翘

她的衣服很简单而且很单调

我

问保罗

和路易斯特拉维斯一起走

她回答

路易斯是

工厂里的一个女孩

你怎么认识她

他问

她没有

回答 两个女人的举动 往城堡走去，

保罗想起克拉拉是

莱弗斯夫人的一位老朋友的女儿，

她曾经在约旦做过一份更好的工作

，她的丈夫巴克斯特门

仍然在那里工作，制造金属零件，

但道斯夫人与她的丈夫分开了

， 从事女性事业的

人都说她很聪明

他从工作中认识了baxter door

一个31、2岁的身材魁梧的男人。

他的皮肤和他妻子一样白

，留着金色的小胡子，

但他的眼睛一直朝这边移动

，

他似乎没有自尊

通常他很粗鲁和侮辱

他和保罗在工厂里经常见面

并且互相不喜欢

克拉拉门没有孩子她现在

和她母亲住在一起

下次米里亚姆见到他时她问

你怎么了 想想克拉拉门

她

身材不错 你喜欢她

吗 哦，我不知道

她热情洋溢的嘴巴

她喉咙的形状

她的皮肤

她有些凶悍

我想我想画一幅她的

miriam 似乎奇怪地陷入了沉思

你并不真的 你喜欢她吗

他问她

哦是的我喜欢

她说

也许你喜欢她因为她

非常反对男人

保罗现在已经 21 岁了。

乔丹先生让他负责

他工作的部门并

增加了 30 先令的工资

在艺术学校的一周他在学习设计

他也在帮助 miriam

在星期五晚上学习法语，当时他的父亲

去酒吧，他的母亲去市场，

保罗留在家里洗

面包的烘焙，

安妮现在订婚了 为了

嫁给伦纳德，她的年轻人也在七点一刻出门

拜访

，敲门声很轻

，米里亚姆进来了，

他向她展示了他的最新作品并

纠正了她本周为他写的法语

她做得很好

他喜欢 谈一谈 关于他与 miriam 的工作 他

所有的热情都投入到了这些

谈话中

不知何故她点燃了他的想象力

你不忘了

miriam 说的面包吗

保罗突然冲开烤箱门

冒出青烟

一条面包硬得像砖头

另一条被烧黑了 沿着一侧，

保罗试图刮掉烧伤的部分，

然后用湿毛巾把它包起来，

放在后面的厨房

里 直到

11 点一刻才回到家。

他的母亲坐在椅子上看

当地的报纸，

安妮坐在火炉前，

脸色

阴沉，烧焦的面包打开，

站在桌子上，

保罗

感到很不舒服

，他坐了几分钟，假装

读

然后

我忘了那个面包妈妈

两个女人都没有回答

你不知道我们的妈妈病得多么严重

停顿后说安妮

为什么她病得这么

厉害 回家了，

我发现她白得像坐在这儿的任何东西一样，

安妮含着泪水说，

我有这么多包裹，

说莫雷尔夫人

，肉和蔬菜，还有

一副窗帘，

让安妮去拿肉，

保罗说，

但我怎么知道

你走了 和

miriam 一起，妈妈来了

，你怎么了？

保罗问他妈妈，

我想这是我的心。

你为什么不去看医生

你从来没有注意到任何事情

说安妮

你太急于和米里亚姆在一起

所以这就是为什么面包变质了

莫雷尔夫人痛苦地

说不不是

他生气地回答

我给你买了一个 一块好奶酪

说他妈妈

他太生气了，不能去找它

我什么都不要

如果她来的话，太累了，不能去 你

我不能让她一个人回去

你不能

那么她为什么来

因为你

想要她我喜欢和她说话但我不

爱她

保罗解释说

我们谈论绘画和书籍

你知道你不 不在乎一张

照片是不是装饰性的

你怎么知道我不在乎

哦你是老母亲我们还年轻

他只是说她这个

年龄段的利益不是他的利益

而是他拥有的那一刻 说话他

意识到他

说错话太痛苦了

他意识到他是她的生命

毕竟她对

他来说

是最重要的事情是唯一最重要的事情

没有母亲我真的不爱她

我和她交谈过 她，但我想

回到你身边，

因为他弯下腰亲吻他的母亲，

她搂着他的脖子，用一种

完全不像她自己的声音绝望地哭泣，

我可以让另一个女人，但不是她

，我从来没有

你 知道保罗

我从未有过丈夫

不是真的

立即他恨

米里亚姆他的母亲亲吻了他 不知不觉中我

是一个热情的吻

他轻轻地抚摸着她的

脸 莫雷尔摇摇晃晃地走过来

他的帽子盖在一只眼睛上

他在门口停下来

制造更多的麻烦

他用难看的表情说

莫雷尔夫人的感情突然变成了

对她醉酒的憎恨 丈夫

至少我没喝醉

她说

羊肚菌消失了 回来

时手里拿着一块奶酪

这是莫雷尔夫人给

保罗买的

如果你只给我 25 先令 我不是给你买的 不要

当你已经喝满啤酒时，期待我给你买奶酪

莫雷尔喊

什么

不适合我

他看着手中的奶酪

，突然把它扔进火里

保罗跳了起来

浪费你自己的食物

他哭

了

什么什么

莫雷尔喊道

摆出威胁的姿势

我带

你看看 厚脸皮的小傻瓜

好吧 保罗热情地

告诉我

在那一刻他想猛烈地打他的

父亲

他

儿子的脸

靠得这么近，他都不敢碰

那个年轻人。

保罗说，正准备打

他父亲的嘴，

他痛得要打他，

但他听到身后传来惊恐的声音，

他的母亲脸色苍白，死一般

的黑暗 莫雷尔在

唇边跳起又一击

父亲

说 保罗

急切地颤抖着站着

不动

给她拿点东西

喝 眼泪从脸上流下来

她怎么了 莫瑞尔 坐在房间的对面

她晕倒

了 没什么，我的孩子，

她低声说，

保罗

生火了 再吻

她一次

晚安妈妈

晚安

她

说在接下来的日子里

每个人都试图忘记发生了什么

第九章

米里亚姆的失败

复活节假期快乐地开始了

保罗骑自行车去威利农场

但他很艰难 当

他和米莉亚姆·保罗一起在农场里走来走去时，他的情绪很

糟糕

，

他们不停地在干草床上休息

你为什么难过

她温柔地问我不难过

为什么我应该是

他回答我是 只有正常

她想知道他为什么

在他不愉快的时候总是自称正常

但这是怎么回事

她

什么都不坚持

他拿起一根棍子

用它在坏脾气的发烧中用它挖土

轻轻但坚定

地把手放在他的手上

她说

把它收起来

他把棍子扔到草丛里然后

靠在后面

她又轻声问

他

什么

你知道

我们最好分手

为什么

她问

发生了

什么事什么都没有发生

我只能给予友谊

我无能为力

这不等于我们的关系

已经结束

他的意思是她爱他胜过他

爱她

她 在他的痛苦中让

他感到很羞愧

但我不明白

她说

我知道

他哭了

你永远不会

你永远不会相信我

不能身体上不能

比我不能飞

她低声

说爱你

他们有什么 她一直在家里说，

她问不是

他回答，而是她知道那是

他们那天晚上没有多说话，

而是保罗和埃德加骑着自行车走了，

他回到了他的母亲身边，

她是他一生中最强烈的时光，

即使是米里亚姆 当他想到她时似乎不真实

，就像他的母亲

依赖他一样，

保罗

将以某种真正重要的方式改变地球的面貌

，但对于穷人

来说，这还不够

他年轻的新生活如此强大和

威严 把他推向

别的事情，

这让他焦躁不安

米里亚姆并没有停止希望

赢回保罗

他仍然参观了杠杆，

但他大部分时间都和埃德加

在一起 五月她让保罗到农场去见道斯夫人

他 一想到

再次见到克拉拉，我感到相当兴奋 道

斯夫人来的那天，她浓密的

金发被盘在

头顶，

她穿着一件白色衬衫和一条深蓝色

裙子，

米里亚姆看到他急切地环顾四周，

克拉拉没有 来吧，

他问

是的

她站起身来，不感兴趣地看着他，

握手时，她似乎与

他保持距离

，但又向他提供了一些东西，

他注意到她在衬衫里圆润的乳房

和手指 她的肩膀曲线

你选择了一个晴天

喝完茶后，杠杆夫人对克拉拉说

，你发现现在的生活更快乐，

更幸福

，

如果我能保持自由和独立，你满意

吗？是的，你不会错过生活中的任何事情。

轻轻问杠杆夫人

保罗一直在听这个

谈话

你会发现你总是

为你放在你身后的东西摔倒 他说

然后离开去找埃德加

他觉得他很聪明，为自己感到自豪

他边走边吹口哨

过了一会儿，米莉亚姆过来问他

是否愿意和克拉拉一起去散步，

克拉拉独自走在前面，她低着头的一部分

保罗对她很好奇

他忘了米莉亚姆走在他身边和

他说话

她看着 他

发现他做到了 没有回答她

他的眼睛一直盯着克拉拉

你还觉得她不愉快

吗她问她怎么了

他说

是的

说米莉亚姆

他们来到了一片被树木掩藏的田野

在光滑的草地上美丽的

黄色春天的花朵

保罗和米莉亚姆开始采摘它们

克拉拉四处游荡，看起来很沮丧，

然后她跪下

弯腰去闻花香

她的脖子看起来如此美丽

她的乳房在她的衬衫里微微摆动

她的背曲线突然美丽而

强壮，

没有意识到保罗

把一把花丢在她的

头发和脖子上

她抬起头看着他，

灰色的眼睛里充满了恐惧

想知道他在做什么

突然站在她的上方

他感到不舒服

克拉拉奇怪地笑了起来 玫瑰

从她的头发上

摘下花 一朵花仍然被抓住 保罗在她的头发里

看到了，

但没有告诉她，

他收集了他掉下来的花，没

想到她给了他一个 感激的

微笑 沿着小路走 夜色

渐深 他们都沉默了 他们可以看到

山谷对面的采矿村

黑暗山丘上的点点灯光触及

天空 真好 不是

说 保罗·

米里亚姆同意

克拉拉保持沉默

他可以看出来 她的

举动假装

不在乎她

在家里受苦他告诉他的母亲

克拉拉她

很穷她和她母亲住

在一起她已经 30 岁

了她有什么魅力我的男孩

问他的母亲

我不知道 知道她是迷人的母亲，

但她很好，

她看起来很直

穿着军装的

安妮看起来很迷人

妈妈

莫瑞尔太太哭了一会儿，

然后抚摸着她说

别哭孩子，

他以后会对你好的

，保罗和莫瑞尔太太一个人

呆着，

你不后悔她结婚了

妈妈，你

不是，

但

现在她离开了，这似乎很奇怪

当我想到我自己的婚礼那天

我只能希望她的生活会有所

不同

我有你的时候我永远不会结婚

我不会

他吻她

然后上床

莫雷尔夫人坐着

想着她的女儿

关于保罗

关于亚瑟，

她因失去安妮而难过，

但保罗需要她

，亚瑟也需要她

保罗觉得生活在他周围发生了变化，

安妮结婚了，

亚瑟过着自己

快乐

的生活，他们俩都生活在他们母亲的房子外面，

他们只是回家过节

休息时，

保罗梦想跟随他们，

但回家时，他在母亲身边，

他变得越来越不安，

米里亚姆无法满足他

与她在一起的旧愿望变得越来越虚弱

有时他在诺丁汉遇到克拉拉

有时他看到她 威利农场，

但在保罗和克拉拉和米莉亚姆

之间，总是有一种

斗争 米莉亚姆的 21 岁生日保罗给

她写了一封颇具哲学意味的长信

，这或多或少地结束了他们的

关系，他现在 23

岁，他的性需求是

当他与克拉拉门交谈时，他经常变得强壮，

他意识到他的血液流动得

更快

，他意识到他体内有一些活着的东西

，一个新的自我，

一个新的意识，

他知道他的需要

迟早会得到满足

第 10 章

克拉拉

，他 23 岁时

保罗

一天早上，邮递员送了一

幅画

去参加城堡博物馆的冬季展览 发疯

的邮递员也跑回来了，

怕出了什么事，

他的照片得了一等奖，弗雷德

哭了

，它卖了 20 英镑

，看起来很贱 ng 某事

说那个年轻的邮递员

我不是说我们会这样做吗 她说

假装她没有哭

莫雷尔

对一幅画只花了他一两个小时的画就印象深刻 20 英镑

他说很惊讶

是的 另一个男孩

如果他们没有杀了他，

他会做同样的事情他悄悄地补充

说，威廉的

想法像一把锋利的刀一样穿过莫雷尔夫人，

亚瑟离开军队并立即

与他认识多年的比阿特丽斯结婚，

婴儿在六个月后出生 婚礼

在比阿特丽斯的母亲莫雷尔夫人的帮助下

为一栋两居室的小房子找到了家具

他现在被抓

了一段时间 他拒绝安定下来

对爱他的年轻妻子很

生气 当婴儿哭或哭时他差点发疯

给了麻烦

他向他的母亲抱怨了几个小时，他的

母亲只说

好我的儿子

你自己做了

现在你必须充分利用它

然后他性格中更坚强的一面

出现了

他接受了他的责任 IES

认出了他属于他的妻子

和孩子，

并且做得

很好 几个月慢慢地过去了

有一天，克拉拉在贝斯特伍德的一个朋友

让保罗

在晚上下班后给门太太留言。

她和她妈妈住在一起

街道

很穷 前门的油漆很旧

一个大约 60 岁的大胖女人来

敲门

这是拉德福德·

克拉拉

夫人 在家里，

她邀请他进厨房

，两个女人一直在那儿

做花边。

房间里堆满了雪白的

东西，

克拉拉给了他一把椅子，给他端来

啤酒，继续她的工作。她的手臂

机械地移动着。 使用

机器

她的头埋在花边上

她的生活似乎如此狭窄

如此有限 可怜的 以为

她灰色的眼睛终于与他的相遇

他意识到她非常

不快乐

一种囚犯

他感到颤抖

那是 出乎他的意料，

她看起来如此高傲和自豪

他在梦中

离开了 约旦的袜子部门负责人

要结婚了

他告诉克拉拉这个空缺的职位，

所以克拉拉回到

约旦 同事，

每天见几次

，保罗下午画画的时候，

她经常过来，站在他

身边，一动不动，虽然站在一码远，

他觉得她好像被压在了

他身上，充满了她的

温暖 他不能再画画了

他扔下画笔开始

谈论保罗的生日他在晚餐时间偶然遇到了克拉拉

他们决定一起去顶部的

城堡

他们靠在

墙上的岩石脚下 小树

站在他们自己的

阴影池里，小人四处奔波，

自负

她不喜欢的城镇

保罗

男人所做的一切

她都回答了，

包括男人自己，

但

他的女人让

他说他

说不是百特门自然

她改变了颜色并把目光从

他身上移开

我们不会讨论它

她说

那天下午晚些时候邮递员给

保罗带来了一小包

它是 一本带有便条的诗集

请允许我寄给你

我很同情你的问题

并祝你一切顺利

cd

保罗在这之后对她感到深深的感动和温暖

在这之后他们经常

在晚餐时间一起出去

保罗问她关于门的事

你结婚时几岁

22

那是八年前

是

的 三年前你什么时候离开他

在一起五年

你嫁给他时你爱他吗

我想我

或多或少

我没有想太多

他 想要我

，你为什么最终离开他，

因为他对我不忠

我相信他仍然爱你

说保罗

可能

她回答说

她是已婚妇女，相信

简单的友谊

保罗康 认为他

对她的行为完全正确，

这只是男人和女人之间的友谊

，就像任何明智的人可能

会认为的那样

，在他看来，

米里亚姆是他的老朋友和情人，

她属于贝斯特伍德和家庭，

他在成长过程中

克拉拉是 一个新朋友

，她属于诺丁汉

的

生活世界

克拉拉很少见到米里亚姆，现在

他们仍然是朋友，但

友谊大大削弱了

你会在星期天来听音乐会吗

克拉拉在圣诞节后问保罗

我答应去威利农场

他回答说

你不难过是不是你

为什么要我

她又回答

了保罗发现自己告诉她

关于米里亚姆

她非常想要我

以至于我不能给自己

她想要灵魂离开我的

身体但你爱她

不，

我不爱她，

我什至从不亲吻她，

为什么不

克拉拉问

我不知道

我想你还是害怕

她不想拥有你的灵魂

那是你的想象

她想要你

他想abo 但这

也许他错了，

但她似乎他开始了

你从未尝试过

她回答了

第 11 章

Miriam

与春天的考验旧的疯狂回到

了 Paul 他不觉得他想和 miriam 结婚

但他想属于

她是一种强烈的需要，与

更强烈的害羞

作斗争 他对米莉亚姆非常温柔

他不能辜负她

莫雷尔夫人看到他回到米莉亚姆身边

，很惊讶

他对他的母亲什么也没说

他没有解释或原谅

回家晚了，她发表了

评论他冷淡地回答

我会回家，当我

觉得我已经足够大

了他的母亲上床睡觉时，

为他打开了门，

但她醒着听着直到他

经常

来 那年夏天他回到米里亚姆，对她感到苦涩

农场里的樱桃树上结满

了果实，

它们高高地挂满了

鲜红色和深红色的水滴，

保罗和埃德加

一个晚上正在采摘果实

ng 那天很热

，现在乌云在天空中翻滚，

又黑又

暖，风吹动整棵树

，摇晃着惊心动魄的动作，这让保罗兴奋不已，

他摇摇晃晃地坐在高高的

树枝间，感觉有点醉了，因为

树的动作

，把它撕掉了 一把又一把

，顺滑凉凉的水果

樱桃摸到他的耳朵和脖子，他

俯身前倾，

红色的水果在树叶的黑暗下闪闪发光

，太阳落山，捕捉到了破碎的

云层

，在东南方闪耀着巨大的金光

世界

直到现在 灰色沐浴在金色的

光芒中，

使树木和草地和远处的水

闪耀

米丽亚姆出来观看

哦，

保罗听到她的呼唤，

这不是

很好吗？ 她是不是

说

他向她扔了一把樱桃

她被吓到了，害怕

他笑了，把更多的樱桃洒

在她身上

她跑去躲避他们

捡了一些c 一路上，

她把两副漂亮的耳环挂在耳朵上，

然后又抬起头来，

你还没听够吗？

她

几乎问了

，就像在一艘船上，

你要在这里停留多久，

直到日落结束

她看着金色的云朵变成了

橙色 然后升起，

然后是紫红色，

直到激情消失，

所有的人都带着他的篮子爬了下来

，可爱的

说 miriam

感觉到樱桃

我已经撕破了我的袖子

说保罗

它靠近肩膀

她把手指伸进了眼泪

她说多么温暖

他笑

了，他的声音里有一种奇怪的新声音，

我们要走一小段路

吗？他说他们沿着田野一直走到一片茂密的树林，我们要不要走进树林里？他问你想不想，

是的

，天很黑 伍德

她害怕

保罗沉默而奇怪

他似乎几乎没有意识到她

对他来说

是一个人 她只是一个女人

他靠在一棵树上，把她抱在

怀里

她把自己献给了他，

但作为受害者

感到某种恐惧

这个声音粗重的男人对她来说是陌生的

后来开始下雨

保罗趴在地上

听着雨滴的尖锐声音

他的心很沉重

他意识到她没有和

他

在一起她的灵魂已经远离了

他 身体感觉更平静了，

但仅此而已，

她把手放在他身上，感觉他

是否淋湿了，

我们必须去

说米里亚姆，

是的，

保罗说，

但没有

动，雨正在向我们

袭来说米里亚姆，

他站起来扶她起来，

他们手牵手

牵手过一阵子他们就进屋

了，之后做了好几次爱，

之后保罗总有

一种失败和死亡的感觉，

当我来找你的时候，你真的不想要我，

一两个星期后，保罗阴沉地说，

不，

不要。 不是这么说

她说

把他的头抱在怀里

我不想要你的

孩子 我们结婚

好吗 然后说保罗

我们太年轻

然后他开始感到悲伤 他不能继续

他想

跑去国外

什么

逐渐他不再要求她拥有

他

他有意识地意识到

告诉他的母亲他将

在星期天与米里亚姆分手是不好的他一早去农场

下午，

米莉安在农场路的尽头遇见了

他 他不知何故

缺席了

我一直在想

他最后说

我们应该停止

她

惊讶地哭泣的事情因为这不好

我要我们放弃

你以摆脱我我摆脱了

你有多少次 提出要嫁给

我，我不愿意

我知道

但我希望我们分手

他干净利落地说

我不会 在家里告诉他们她说

我们之间一直是

一场漫长的战斗你和

我打架

并不总是

一开始

他

总是

从一开始就吵架

总是一样

他沉默地坐着

他的心对她很严厉

他把她留在了 路的尽头

当她穿着新衣服独自回家

不得不在另一端面对她的家人

他站着一动不动

充满痛苦

和羞耻

第12章

离开后的激情 米里亚姆保罗几乎

立即转向克拉拉

他们去的一个晚上 电影院

，他拉着她的手，

她没有动，也没有做任何手势

星期六晚上他邀请她

下班后和他一起喝咖啡，

然后他们在公园里走了一会儿

，在黑暗中他突然把她抱

在怀里， 接吻

了第二天一整天他只想

再见到她

星期一是他半天的工作

他问她是否愿意和他一起出来

他们同意在两点半

在公共汽车上见面 她靠在他身上

，他拉着她的手

他们走到河边

过桥

他们沿着河上的小路

走到一扇锁着的大门

保罗先爬过去

然后克拉拉爬上去 他

握着她的双手

笑着 她低头看着他的脸

然后她跳了起来

她的乳房靠在他的

身上 他抱住了

她 用吻盖住了她的脸

他们决定下到河边

滑溜溜 他们

走到陡峭的树木繁茂的银行底部

保罗发现 两棵树脚下的一个平坦的地方，

上面覆盖着湿漉漉的树叶，

但也可以。

他扔下雨衣

，向她挥手示意她来

他的

嘴唇

一切都完好无损

，下午什么都没有，但

他们自己要爬一段陡峭的山路才能回到

山顶的公共小道，

然后他们走进克利夫顿，

在他的一家宾馆

喝茶 现在她疯狂地爱着她，

她在衣服上做的每一个褶皱都让

他感到

兴奋 和克拉拉一起在克利夫顿格罗夫，

她是个非常好的妈妈

，你想认识她

吗？是的，

莫雷尔库利夫人说，

我想知道她是什么样的，

你不希望喜欢她

说保罗，

我会带她来这里 星期天

喝茶，我给她带来

好吗？你自己

说，莫雷尔夫人笑着说

保罗知道他赢了，

他向米里亚姆提到克拉拉

星期天要来喝茶，

我想让我妈妈见见她，

他补充说，

啊

，

我可以打电话来保持沉默 在我去教堂礼拜之前

miriam 说

我好久没见到 clara

很好

星期天下午 paul

既惊讶又不自觉地生气了 paul 在 keston 车站遇到了 clara

clara 跟着 paul 进了屋

morrell rose 夫人

年轻的女人很紧张

我希望你不介意我来

她犹豫地

说 当保罗说他会带你来时 我很高兴

莫雷尔夫人看着保罗 她觉得他穿着他做工精良的深色衣服是个什么样

的男人

她的心 容光焕发，

她和克拉拉开始谈论

诺丁汉

克拉拉仍然很紧张

莫雷尔夫人仍然很自豪，

但他们相处得很好

保罗看到

莫雷尔夫人用年轻女子衡量自己

，发现自己很轻松 更强壮的

克拉拉非常尊重

她 她知道保罗有多高度 想起他的

母亲，她一直害怕这次

见面会

期待一个冷酷的人

她惊讶地发现这个兴趣不大的

女人和她聊天如此轻松，

气氛凉爽而清晰

，每个人都在自己的位置，然后

与其他人保持一致

保罗收拾了桌子，然后

走进花园，留下两个

女人说话，

克拉拉主动提出要帮忙洗盘子。

让她把茶水晾干

不能跟着他进花园让她很痛苦，

但她终于让自己走了。

她去找保罗，保罗正在

秋天的花丛中看蜜蜂，这时

米莉亚姆正从花园里进来。 花园

门口她看到克拉拉走到保罗

身边看到他

转身看到他们一起移动

关系中的某些东西告诉

她他们已经是一对

他们看着彼此的眼睛

笑

了那一刻他们意识到

米里亚姆

并且一切都改变了

米里亚姆颤抖 和克拉拉握手说

在这里见到你

似乎很奇怪

她永远不可能

她向保罗要一本书读

他跑回屋里去找一本书

当他回来时克拉拉转身

进屋让他和米里亚姆一起走到

门口

你什么时候来 e 到威利农场

miriam 打电话给她

我说不上

回答 clara

妈妈让我说她很高兴

随时见到你

谢谢

但我不能说

哦

很好 miriam 说得很好

带着一些苦涩

那天晚上离开了 情侣们

走出田野，

克拉拉靠在他身边

，他把她抱得越来越近，

突然保罗的血在他身上燃烧起来，他

把她抱在怀里，

一次又一次地亲吻她，

但她担心赶不上

他们的火车 到车站只有 14 分钟

所以他们在黑暗中疯狂

地跑到右边 他们可以看到灯火通明

的火车

终于接近了 克拉拉

完全气喘吁吁地掉进

了火车 哨声

响起 她在他知道自己在哪里之前就走了

他发现自己回到家的

厨房里

，你喜欢她吗？

他很不情愿地问他妈妈，

是的，

我喜欢她，

但你会厌倦她的，我的儿子，

你知道

你最好喝点热牛奶，

他拒绝了，然后去了 d

感到困惑和愤怒

第 13 章

巴克斯特门

保罗

想看那周在诺丁汉皇家剧院上演的戏剧

他让克拉拉和他一起去

他把晚礼服装在一个

手提箱里，在克拉拉剧院下班后到约旦换衣服

脱下她的外套

，他发现她

穿着一件绿色的晚礼服，手臂

、脖子和部分乳房都裸露

在外，他看着她，几乎能感觉到她身体的紧实和

柔软，

他整个晚上都坐在旁边 她

美丽的裸露的手臂

注视着强壮的喉咙

绿色的东西下的乳房

她穿着紧身连衣裙的身体曲线

他不知何故讨厌她，因为当灯光熄灭时，她让

他忍受她的靠近而疼痛

她靠在他身上

，他抚摸着她 手和胳膊用他的

手指 戏剧仍在继续，

但它似乎离他很远

现实是

克拉拉 白色沉重的手臂

喉咙 胸部

起伏

当一切都结束了 点燃

人们的掌声

他清醒过来

他帮她穿上她的外套

我爱你

你穿着那件衣服很漂亮

他在人群中在她的肩膀上低声

说 他似乎遇到了一双

充满仇恨的棕色眼睛 当

他们走出剧院，

但他不知道他们是谁的眼睛时，

他和克拉拉转身朝车站走去。

两三个晚上后，

保罗

和他的一些朋友

在潘趣酒酒吧喝酒时，巴克斯特的门来了 因为

他看起来瘦了很多，似乎

在走下坡路，

他的女人路易离开了他

，他最近

因为与保罗战斗而在监狱里度过了一夜

，他是敌人，

但作为同事

，他们之间有一种熟悉感，

保罗经常想到门

为了更好地了解他，

今晚他向门提供饮料，

门被诅咒拒绝，并

继续侮辱保罗

与克拉拉的友谊，

保罗试图不理会，

但一个f 最后一句话让他把

半杯啤酒扔到多尔斯的脸上，

这几乎是一场丑陋的战斗，

但思维敏捷的酒保把门带到门口

并强迫他离开酒吧

保罗开玩笑地告诉克拉拉

与她丈夫

的争吵颜色玫瑰 在她的脸上，

她灰色的眼睛因愤怒而发光，

她建议保罗带枪，因为

她说

门很危险，

保罗对这个想法嗤之以鼻，

但实际上几天后工厂发生了一场激烈的争吵，

导致门

攻击乔丹先生

并以门结束 丢了工作

克拉拉确实爱上

了保罗，而他对

她的热情达到了

一天晚上，他们沿着河边走

，他的思绪在别处，

克拉拉听他吹着一首悲伤的

不满的曲子，

她默默地走着。

他们来到一座桥前 他坐下

望着水中的星星

她坐在他身边

你会一直留在约旦

她问

不

我很快就会离开诺丁汉

出国 出国

做什么 因为

我不知道

我感到焦躁不安

，我妈妈在那儿的时候我不会去很长时间

，

如果你赚了很多钱，

你会怎么做她问我和妈妈

住在伦敦附近的一栋漂亮的房子里。

停顿

不要问我任何关于未来的事

他阴沉地说

我什么都不知道

只要和我在一起 现在

她热情地抓住他把

他的头压在她的胸前

她无法理解

他声音中的痛苦

和很快的挣扎 他的内心

消失了

，他忘记了克拉拉不再存在，

只有一个女人

在黑暗中温暖而热情

，她把自己献给了

他，

当保罗清醒过来时，她知道他是多么孤独他意识到

他正躺在草地上

，他的温暖 感觉是克拉拉的

呼吸她

是一个强烈的奇怪的野生生物

在黑暗中与他一起呼吸

在这样一个晚上之后他们都

仍然知道激情的巨大力量

但克拉拉不满意

他可能会离开她

她没有 为保罗得到了他

爱的火焰慢慢熄灭

了

他越来越觉得他的

经历是非个人的，

而不是和克拉拉

他对她感到非常温柔，

但不是她能让他的

灵魂保持稳定，

他希望她成为

当他们独自一人时，她不可能有一次他

问她

你愿意嫁给我

吗你想嫁给我

她回答

是的

我希望我们有孩子

他回答得很慢

但你真的不想

离婚 巴克斯特，

你是不是过了几分钟，她才回答

说不，

她说

我不认为我会

逐渐他们的做爱变得更加

机械，

没有第一次的美妙高潮

有一天晚上他离开她去

火车站越过田野

他 没有太多时间

，而且天很黑，

他正穿过一扇门，这时他看到

一个黑影靠在

门边保罗·莫雷尔

说那个人

他知道那是门，

我有你没有，我

说

门我会想念 我的火车

说 p aul

没事 然后

回答门

，突然年轻人被

一拳打在后面，

整个晚上都变黑了，

然后他开始更清楚地看到门

并打在他的嘴上方

突然从不知道从哪里来的一个巨大的打击他

的耳

后 听见门声 他像野兽一样沉重的呼吸

他像野猫一样紧紧抓住那个大个子

直到最后门

砰地一声倒塌 保罗和他一起倒下

他的双手盲目地按着另一个人的

喉咙 想要杀死他

然后他 被甩到一边

他感到敌人在踢他，他无助

地仰面躺着，

然后失去知觉

保罗逐渐醒来，

他知道自己在哪里，

发生了什么事，

但他最终不想动

，他的意志力迫使他站

起来

他痛得病了，

但他的大脑很清醒

他找到一池水，洗了他

血淋淋的脸和手

他踏上回家的路，

每个人都在床上

他的脸很粗糙而且有严重的印记，

几乎就像死人的

脸 晚上是一个漫长的

噩梦 早上他醒来发现他的

母亲正看着他

她的蓝

眼睛是他想要的一切 看到

她在那儿

他在她的

手中 不是什么妈妈

他说

那是百特门

他有一个移位的

肩膀 第二天他的呼吸也

变得非常困难

他的母亲脸色苍白得像死人一样

瘦弱

她坐着看着 然后他

把目光移到太空

克拉拉来看他

然后米里亚姆来了

你知道我不在乎他们妈妈

他说

我害怕你不关心我的儿子

她悲伤地回答

人们被告知这是一起自行车

事故很快他 回到工作岗位

到 14 岁。

生活

在

五月结束 保罗决定

和一个朋友在布莱克浦度过四天，

他的母亲去

谢菲尔德和现在住在那里的安妮一起呆了一个星期，

也许这个改变会对她有好处，

保罗安排 加入他们 第五天

，留在谢菲尔德，直到

假期结束。

他的四天自由活动愉快地度过

了

第五天，保罗跑到

安妮家的台阶上，期待看到他的

母亲在前厅笑，

但它 安妮打开门

是不是他妈妈生病了 他说是的

她不太好

不要难过她

安妮回答说

她在床上

是的

一种奇怪的感觉涌上心头

他丢下包跑上楼

他妈妈正坐在床上

她看着 看着他，几乎好像她

为自己感到羞耻

他看到了她灰白的

母亲

他说

我以为你永远不会来

她明亮地回答

但他只是跪在

床边把脸埋在

毯子里痛苦地哭泣

她抚摸着他 头发用她纤细的手慢慢地发，

这是什么妈妈，

他最后说，

她没有看他

，只是一个肿块，

一个男孩

，已经有一段时间

了，他的眼泪又起来了，

他的头脑是坚硬而清晰的，

但他的身体 哭的

时候她把手放在身边给他看

他坐在床上握着她的手

你什么时候生病

他问

是昨天开始的

她回答

你不应该一个人旅行

他说

好像有什么关系 有了它，

她很快回答，

现在去吃你的晚餐

他们在等你

吃完晚饭他走进厨房

帮安妮洗碗

安妮开始哭泣

她昨天的痛苦

从未见过有人像这样受苦

她哭了

伦纳德像跑了一样 安塞尔博士的疯子

，当她上床睡觉时，她对我说，

安妮，

看看我身边的这个肿块，我想

知道

当我看的时候它是什么，

我差点摔倒

它是一个像苹果一样大的肿块，

每当这样做时，我都会说天哪，妈妈 嗨，孩子，她说她

在那里待了很长时间，

她在家里一直有这些疼痛

，没有人照顾她，

但她一直在诺丁汉看医生，

她

说她从来没有告诉我

他

说他下午去看了安塞尔医生

啊 是的，可爱的男人，

你不能手术吗

问保罗

不在那儿

说医生

可能是癌症

我不知道

我想由她的

常规医生杰米森医生检查，但你必须

安排它

他会收取不少于十

英镑的费用 从诺丁汉远道而来

保罗同意安排

两天后去诺丁汉看詹姆森博士

他很友好

很忙

他同意第二天来谢菲尔德

一个星期天

保罗回家看他的父亲

他们现在雇了一个 小

侍女叫米妮

，她正在照顾他

保罗给他写了一封信，告诉

他关于他妻子的事

，他父亲不敢提及

她，

但仍然默默地

好

，她怎么

问老矿工

她终于可以坐起来了

我们可以把她抱下来喝茶

说保罗

你下周必须去看看她父亲

我希望她到那个时候回家

说莫雷尔

如果她没有

说保罗

你必须来

詹姆森博士和博士一起在星期天来

ansel 检查没过多久，Arthur Paul

和 leonard 紧张地

等着两位医生下楼，

他们被告知无法

手术 周六回去工作

walter morrell 到达时

坐火车去

谢菲尔德 他看起来很

迷茫 老人很害怕地走进卧室

我怎么找到你 我的女孩

他说 匆匆而害羞地亲吻她

好吧

我一半一半

她回答说

我能看到你啊

他说

看不起她

然后用手帕擦了擦眼睛

然后坐下来看着她

几乎就像她是一个陌生人

莫雷尔夫人没有太大变化

她在谢菲尔德呆了两个月

结束 那个时候她的

情况更糟，

但她想回家，

所以他们从诺丁汉买了一辆汽车，

因为她病得太厉害，不能坐火车，

莫雷尔知道她要来了，

他有前门

半数邻居都出来迎接她

莫雷尔夫人微笑着开车沿街回家

他们看到她的微笑并点头

这是贝斯特伍德的一件大事 莫雷尔

想把她抱进去，

但他太老了

阿瑟把她抱起来，好像她是一个

孩子

他们在火边放了一把又大又深的椅子

当她打开包裹

坐下来喝了点酒时她的旧椅子曾经站立过

她环顾房间

不要认为我不喜欢你的房子

安妮

她说

但是 很高兴再次回到我自己的家里

，莫雷尔用颤抖的声音补充

说，是女孩

，

当保罗在谢菲尔德时，他

从安塞尔医生那里听说，一个来自诺丁汉的男人

在当地的发烧医院里，

他就是巴克斯特门

保罗 决定去探望他

，看来大门已经开始

在谢菲尔德工作了，

但仅仅一两天后，

保罗就病重了，他告诉他母亲的病，

并提出在他

回到诺丁汉的谢菲尔德时

再次探望他 他告诉克拉拉关于

门的事，

她似乎对这个消息很不高兴，

他是不是很糟糕

她内疚地问

他一直在

进步，

现在恋人之间有距离

我对他表现得很糟糕

她

说现在你表现得很糟糕 我，

这是我应得的，

他爱我比你爱我一千倍

，她一有机会就去

谢菲尔德看她的

丈夫，会议没有成功，

但她给他留下了玫瑰、水果和

金钱，

她甚至想回报他

尽管莫雷尔夫人的心不再因爱而温暖，但

保罗知道，她知道自己

快要死了，

但他们仍然装出一副

高兴的样子，

现在门在诺丁汉附近的一家

疗养院里，保罗有时会去那里探望他，两人

之间发展出一种特殊的友谊

两个男人的

门还很脆弱 似乎要依赖

保罗 几天又几周过去了

12 月来了

，一些雪

都一直呆在家里，现在

他们买不起护士，所以保罗

和护士一起 和安妮

在一起，他们的母亲每晚都服用强效药物

来帮助她入睡

，她的心脏不规律地跳动，

安妮睡在她的身边

保罗早上

进来，当他的妹妹起床时，

莫雷尔夫人的眼睛越来越黑，

她的身体越来越瘦，

她的皮肤越来越

灰。 你没有给她什么东西来

结束它

他最后问医生

但医生摇了摇头

沃尔特莫雷尔沉默而害怕

有时他走进病房

看着她

然后困惑地离开

一天晚上

保罗收集了所有的

那里有安眠药 小心翼翼地拿下楼

他把它们磨成粉末

他把粉末放入热牛奶

中 九点钟给他妈妈

喝了一点 用深沉疑惑的眼睛看着他

哦

，好苦 保罗

她说

做出厌恶的表情是

为了帮助你睡得更好

他说

她喝了更多的牛奶

哦这太可怕了

她告诉他

保罗给她带来了一点冷牛奶

带走

莫雷尔夫人喝下去的味道

她疲倦地叹了口气

她的心跳很不规律

保罗和安妮像往常一样让她安顿下来

安妮和她一起睡，保罗

睡在隔壁房间

他突然被安妮的耳语声吵醒了

哦，

保罗

来了 看着她，

他的母亲躺在她的

手上

，脸颊和以前一样，

但她的嘴已经张开

，她呼吸着沉重的

呼吸，呼吸间有很长的停顿，

他们静静地坐着，听着夜晚过去的

粗重呼吸

一口气

还是一片漆黑

他父亲

起床我最好留下

他低声说

不去上班

几分钟后回答保罗 他听到他父亲

在外面的雪地上沉重的脚步

他看着雪逐渐变蓝

一个灰色的死亡黎明紧随其后

安妮来了

进来后用

疑问的

眼神看着他 rse

哭了 paul

她会这样持续好几天

她不能 morrell 先生

说护士

她不能

11 点左右他

下楼坐在邻居家

突然 安妮飞过

花园 哭着

拉

保罗

她是 转眼间

他又回到了自己的房子

，楼上

他们都站了起来

他跪下，把脸贴在她的脸上，

双臂搂着她

我爱

我爱

我的爱

他

一次又一次耳语

我爱

我所有的爱

他们的父亲

大约四点钟下班

回家 他静静地走进屋子，疲惫地坐下

他把黑色的手臂放在

桌子

上 侍女终于赶忙给他

吃

晚饭 保罗说

你注意到窗帘关上了

月桂抬起头

没有

他说

她为什么走了

，是的，

今天早上12点左右，

他在晚餐时

洗漱上楼换衣服

，一会儿

他出去

保罗去拿医生

证明，并告诉男人们

共同的措施。 芬

大约八点钟回来的时候

，屋里空无一人，

除了

她的房间很冷，但温暖了

这么久，

她高高地躺在床上

沉默

，手里拿着蜡烛，他弯下身子，她

像个睡着的女孩一样躺着，梦想

着她的爱，

只是从她脸上向后弯曲的头发

在两天后混合了银色，亲戚来

参加葬礼，孩子们不得不

欢迎他们

他们把她埋在威廉身边 一场

可怕的雨

和风 潮湿的大地 所有的白花都

因雨而闪闪发光

安妮挽着保罗的胳膊 身体前倾

向下 她看到

威廉棺材

的一个阴暗角落 木箱稳健地歌唱

她 雨过去了

，打着

雨伞的

黑衣人

转身离去 倾盆大雨下墓地空无一人 他和

莫雷尔夫人的亲戚一起做饭

，哭着

说她是一个多么好的女人，

他如何

为她竭尽全力，

保罗恨他的父亲因为他

对 15 岁

的自怜而死 希望

保罗感到孤独和挫败

他的母亲真的支持他的生活

他想要有人帮助他自己

选择

但克拉拉不够坚强让他

坚持

她想要他

但不想理解他

如果没有人愿意帮助他

他会继续 孤独的

门几乎完全

从他的病中康复

他在谢菲尔德找到了工作和住所

他将在星期一开始工作

保罗知道他自己与克拉拉的关系

已经结束了

，她会回到

她所做的门 事实上，和丈夫一起去

谢菲尔德

，保罗几乎再也见不到她了

，父子之间几乎没有亲情，因为没有

人来维护这个家

，因为他们俩都无法接受家里的

空虚 se

paul 在诺丁汉租了一个房间，

morel 去贝斯特伍德和一个友好的家庭住在一起

保罗的

生活支离破碎，

他无法在工作中画画

应该

走在街上

为什么房子应该站在他们的

位置上 对他来说最真实的是浓密

的黑夜

似乎完整、有意义

和安宁

独自坐在他的房间里

他听到两个声音在他的脑海

里 我

在做什么毁灭自己

那是 错

为什么错

她死

了 一切

为了挣扎

你还活着

你必须为了她而活着

继续为她

继续你的绘画

绘画不是活着

结婚然后

生孩子

嫁给谁

miriam

但他没有 总是独自相信这个答案

他的灵魂首先摇摆到

死亡的一边

然后固执地转向生命的一边

真正的灾难是他

无处可

去无事可做

无话可说

他自己什么都不是

他觉得与其他人完全脱节

一个星期天

晚上偶然去教堂 米里亚姆在他前面几排

他在礼拜后在外面找到了她

你在城里做什么

他问

我要留下 直到明天在我的表弟 anz 那里，

他邀请她回到他的房间

吃晚饭，

他们乘公共汽车

，几乎没有说话，直到他们到达

他在城镇边缘的地方，

在他的房间里放了晚餐，

保罗煮了咖啡，

米里亚姆害羞地告诉他，她

我想你很高兴

保罗说

很高兴

你会发现自食其力

不是一切

晚饭后他们面对面坐在火边

你和克拉拉分手了

米里亚姆问

是的，

你知道

她说

我认为我们应该结婚

为什么

你这样浪费自己

我不确定

他慢慢地

说婚姻会很好

你想把我放在你的口袋里

，我会死

你会怎么做

她问

我不知道

继续我想

也许我会出国

有很长一段时间的沉默

你要我

嫁给我

他

低声说你想要吗

她

很认真地问

不多

他痛苦地回答

没有婚姻

我们无能为力

不

她说

的声音像深沉的钟声

不

我想不是

他和她一起去了她表弟的

家 把她留在那儿

当他转身离开时

他觉得他的最后立足点已经

消失的小镇向远方延伸，

他身后是一片平坦的光海，在他身后躺着乡村，

有更多城镇的小光点，

大海，夜晚

，四面八方，巨大的黑暗寂静

似乎将他

逼入虚无

，

尽管如此 如此渺小和无足轻重的

他并非一无所有

他

痛苦地低声说

母亲

她是唯一帮助

他在这一切中保持自我的东西

她

再次成为地球的一部分

但不

他不会屈服

他拉直他 自己

，紧闭的嘴唇，

他不会带那个方向

去

黑暗跟随她

他走向远处的

喧嚣，城市的金色光芒，

你快