Learn English Tim Minchin You will die soon with BIG subtitles
[Applause]
[Music]
in darker days I did a corporate gig at
a conference for this big company who
made and sat and sold accounting
software in a beard I presume to inspire
their salespeople to greater heights
that forked out 12 grand for an
inspirational speaker who was this
extreme sports guy who had had a couple
of his limbs frozen off when he got
stuck on a Ledge on some mountain it was
weird
software sales people I think need to
hear from someone who has had a long
successful and happy career in software
sales not from an overly optimistic ex
Mountaineer some poor guy who had
arrived in the morning hoping to learn
more about sales techniques ended up
going home worried about the blood flow
to his extremities it’s not
inspirational it’s confusing and if the
mountain was meant to be a symbol of
life’s challenges and the loss of limbs
and metaphor for sacrifice the software
guys not going to get it is he because
he didn’t do an arts degree did he he
should have Arts degrees are awesome and
they help you find meaning where there
is none and let me assure you there is
none don’t go looking for it
searching for meaning is like searching
for a rhyme scheme in a cookbook you
won’t find it and I’ll bugger up your
souffle
if you didn’t like that metaphor you
won’t like the rest of it
point being I’m not an inspirational
speaker I’ve never lost a limb on a
mountainside metaphorically or otherwise
and I’m certainly not here to give
career advice because well I’ve never
really had what most would consider a
job however I have had large groups of
people listening to what I say for quite
a few years now and it’s given me an
inflated sense of self-importance
so I will now at the ripe old age of
37.9 bestow upon you nine life lessons
to echo of course the nine lessons of
carols of the traditional Christmas
service which is also pretty obscure you
might find some of this stuff inspiring
you will definitely find some of it
boring and you’ll definitely forget all
of it within a week and be warned there
will be lots of hokey similes and
obscure aphorisms which start well that
end up making no sense so listen up or
you’ll get lost like a blind man
clapping in a pharmacy trying to
echolocate the contact lens fluid
looking for my old poetry teacher here
we go ready one you don’t have to have a
dream Americans on talent shows always
talk about their dreams fine if you have
something you’ve always wanted to do
dreamed of like in your heart go for it
after all it’s something to do with your
time chasing a dream and if it’s a big
enough one it’ll take you most of your
life to achieve so by the time you get
to it and are staring to the into the
abyss of the meaninglessness of your
achievement you’ll be almost dead so it
won’t matter I never really had one of
these dreams and so I advocate
passionate dedication to the pursuit of
short-term goals be micro ambitious put
your head down and work with pride on
whatever is in front of you you never
know where you might end up just be
aware the next worthy pursuit will
probably appear in your periphery which
is why you should be careful of long
term dreams if you focus too far in
front of you you won’t see the shiny
thing out the corner of your eye right
good advice metaphor look at me go to
don’t seek happiness happiness is like
an orgasm if you think about it too much
goes away
keep busy and aim to make someone else
happy and you might find you get some as
a side effect we didn’t evolve to be
constantly content contented Homo
erectus got eaten before passing on
their genes three remember it’s all luck
you are lucky to be here you are
incalculably incalculably lucky to be
born and incredibly lucky to be brought
up by a nice family that helped you get
educated and encourage you to go to uni
or if you were born into a horrible
family that’s unlucky and you have my
sympathy but you are still lucky lucky
that you happen to be made of the sort
of DNA that went on to make the sort of
brain which when placed in a horrible
childhood environment would make
decisions that meant you ended up
eventually graduating uni well done you
for dragging yourself up by your
shoelaces but you were lucky you didn’t
create the bit of you that dragged you
up there not even your shoelaces
I suppose I worked hard to achieve
whatever dubious achievements I’ve
achieved but I didn’t make the bit of me
that works hard and more than any more
than I made the bit of me that ate too
many burgers instead of attending
lectures when I was here at UWA
understanding that you can’t truly take
credit for your successes nor truly
blame others for their failures will
humble you and make you more
compassionate empathy is intuitive but
is also something you can work on
intellectually for exercise I’m sorry
you pasty pale smoking philosophy grads
arching your eyebrows into a Cartesian
curve as you watch the human movement
mob winding their way through them the
miniature traffic cones of their
existence you are wrong and they are
right well you’re half right do you
think therefore you are but also your
jog therefore you sleep therefore you’re
not overwhelmed by existential angst you
can’t be can’t and you don’t want to be
play a sport do yoga pump iron run
whatever but take care of your body
you’re going to need it most of you
Marber going to live to nearly a hundred
and even the poorest of you will achieve
a level of wealth that most humans
throughout history could not have
dreamed of and this long luxurious life
ahead of you is going to make you
depressed
but don’t despair there is an inverse
correlation between depression and
exercise do it run my beautiful
intellectuals run five be hard on your
opinions a famous bon mot asserts that
opinions are like in that
everyone has one there is great wisdom
in this but I would add that opinions
differ significantly from ourselves and
that yours should be constantly and
thoroughly examined
I used to do exams in here it’s revenge
we must think critically and not just
about the ideas of others be hard on
your beliefs take them out onto the
veranda and hit them with a cricket bat
be intellectually rigorous identify your
biases your prejudices your privileges
most of society’s arguments are kept
alive by a failure to acknowledge nuance
we tend to generate false dichotomies
and then try to argue one point using
two entirely different sets of
assumptions like two tennis players
trying to win a match by hitting
beautifully executed shots from either
end of separate tennis courts by the way
while I have science and arts graduates
in front of me please don’t make the
mistake of thinking the Arts and
Sciences are at odds with one another
that is a recent stupid and damaging
idea you don’t have to be unscientific
to make beautiful art to write beautiful
things if you need proof Twain Douglas
Adams Vonnegut McEwen Seguin Shakespeare
Dickens for a start you don’t need to be
superstitious to be a poet you don’t
need to hate GM technology to care about
the beauty of the planet you don’t have
to claim a soul to promote compassion
science is not a body of knowledge nor a
belief system it is just a term which
describes humankind’s incremental
acquisition of understanding through
observation science is awesome the Arts
and Sciences need to work together to
improve how knowledge is communicated
the idea that many Australians including
our new p.m. and my distant cousin Nick
Minchin believe that scientist ayan some
anthropogenic global warming is
controversial there’s a powerful
indicator of the extent of our failure
to communicate the fact that 30% of the
people in this room just bristled is
further evidence still
the fact that that bristling is more to
do with politics than science is even
more despairing six be a teacher please
please please be a teacher teachers are
the most admirable and important people
in the world you don’t have to do it
forever but if you’re in doubt about
what to do be an amazing teacher just
for your 20s be a teacher be a primary
school teacher especially if you’re a
bloke we need male primary school
teachers even if you’re not a teacher be
a teacher share your ideas don’t take
for granted your education rejoice in
what you learn and spray it seven define
yourself by what you love I found myself
doing this thing a bit recently where if
someone asks me what sort of music I
like I say well I don’t listen to the
radio because pop song lyrics annoy me
or if someone asks me what food I like I
say I think truffle oil is overused and
slightly obnoxious and I see it all the
time online people whose idea of being
part of a subculture is to hate Coldplay
or football or feminists or the Liberal
Party we have a tendency to define
ourselves in opposition to stuff as a
comedian I make my living out of it but
try to also express your passion for
things you love be demonstrative and
generous in your praise of those you
admire send thank-you cards and give
standing ovations beep rose stuff not
just aunty stuff eight respect people
with less power than you I have in the
past made important decisions about
people I work with agents and producers
big decisions based largely on how they
treat the waitstaff in the restaurants
we’re having the meeting in I don’t care
if you’re the most powerful cat in the
room I will judge you on how you treat
the least powerful so there
9 finally don’t rush you don’t need to
already know what you’re going to do
with the rest of your life
I’m not saying sit around smoking cones
all day but also don’t panic most people
I know who were sure of their career
path at 20 are having midlife crises now
I said at the beginning of this ramble
which was already three and a half
minutes long that life is meaningless it
was not a flippant assertion I think
it’s absurd the idea of seeking meaning
in the set of circumstances that happens
to exist after 13.8 billion years worth
of unguided events leave it to humans to
think the universe has a purpose for
them however I am no nihilist I’m not
even a cynic I am actually rather
romantic and here’s my idea of romance
you will soon be dead life will
sometimes seem long and tough and God
it’s tiring and you will sometimes be
happy and sometimes sad and then you’ll
be old and then you’ll be dead there is
only one sensible thing to do with this
empty existence and that is fill it not
fill it fill it and in my opinion until
I change it life is best filled by
learning as much as you can about as
much as you can taking pride in whatever
you’re doing having compassion sharing
ideas running being enthusiastic and
then there’s love and travel and wine
and sex and art and kids and giving and
mountain climbing but you know all that
stuff already it’s an incredibly
exciting thing this one meaningless life
of yours good luck and thank you for
indulging me
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