Learn English Michelle Wolf Donald Trump is not that rich with BIG subtitles
further ado please welcome Michelle wolf
all right this is long this has been
long
yeah good evening and good evening here
we are the White House Correspondents
Dinner like a porn star says when she’s
about to have sex with the Trump let’s
get this over with yeah this is you’re
getting tonight I’m gonna skip what a
lot of the normal pleasantries we’re at
a Hilton it’s not nice this is on c-span
no one watches that Trump is president
it’s not ideal the White House
Correspondents Association thank you for
having me the monkfish was fine
they just a reminder that everyone I’m
here to make jokes I have no agenda I’m
not trying to get anything accomplished
so everyone that’s here from Congress
you should feel right at home yeah
before we get too far a little bit about
me a lot of you might not know who I am
I’m 32 years old which is an odd age 10
years too young to host this event in 20
years too old for Roy Moore I know he
almost got elected yeah it was fun it
was fun honestly I never really thought
I’d be a comedian but I did take an
aptitude test in seventh grade and this
is 100% true I took an aptitude test in
seventh grade and it said my best
profession was a clown or a mine my
voice it was like or maybe mime think
about mine and I know as much as some of
you might want me to its 2018 and I am a
woman so you cannot shut me up unless
you have Michael Cohen wire me a hundred
and thirty thousand dollars Michael you
can find me on venmo under my porn star
name Reince Priebus
Ryan’s just gave a thumbs up okay
now people are saying America is more
divided and than ever but I think no
matter what you support politically we
can all agree that this is a great time
for craft stores because of all the pros
because of all the protests posterboard
has been flying off the shelves faster
than Robert Mueller can say you’ve been
subpoenaed thanks to trump pink yarn
sales are through the roof after Trump
got elected women started knitting those
hats when I first saw him I was
like that’s a I guess mine just
has a lot more yarn on it yeah
should have done more research before
you got me to do this
now there is a lot to cover tonight
there’s a lot to go over I can’t get to
everything I know there’s a lot of
people that want me to talk about Russia
and Putin and collusion but I’m not
gonna do that because there’s also a lot
of liberal media here and I’ve never
really wanted to know what any of you
look like when you orgasm I bet it’s
something like this okay that’s all the
time we have
[Applause]
it is kind of crazy that the Trump
campaign was in contact with Russia when
the Hillary campaign wasn’t even in
contact with Michigan of course Trump is
in here if you haven’t noticed she’s not
here and I know I know I would drag him
here myself
but it turns out the President of the
United States is the one you’re
not allowed to grab
[Applause]
[Music]
now I know people really want me to go
after Trump tonight but I think we
should give the president credit when he
deserves it
like he pulled out of the Paris
agreement and I think he should get
credit for that cuz he said he was gonna
pull out and then he did and that’s a
refreshing quality in a man
most men are like I forgot I’ll get you
next time
oh there’s gonna be a next time when
people say romance is dead
people called Trump names all the time
and look I could call Trump a racist or
a misogynist or xenophobic or unstable
or incompetent or impotent but he’s
heard all of those and he doesn’t care
so tonight I’m gonna try to make fun of
the president in a new way in a way that
I think will really get them mr.
president I don’t think you’re very rich
like I think you might be rich in Idaho
but in New York you’re doing fine Trump
is the only person that still watches
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and things
me although I’m not sure you’d get very
far you kept it like the third question
and be like I have to phone a Fox and
friend
we’re gonna try a fun new thing okay I’m
gonna say Trump is so broke and you guys
go how broke is he all right
Trump is so broke yet the fly failed
business class
Travis up broke he looked for foreign
oil and Don Junior’s hair Trump is so
proud he the Southwest used him as one
of their engines I know it’s so soon
it’s so soon for that joke why did she
tell it it’s so soon Trump is so broke
he had to borrow money from the Russians
and now he’s compromised and not
susceptible to blackmail and possibly
responsible for collapse of the Republic
yay it’s a fun game Trump is racist
though he loves white nationalists which
is a weird term for a Nazi calling and
not see a white nationalist is like
calling a pedophile a kid friend
or Harvey Weinstein a ladies man which
isn’t really fair he also likes plants
trebs also an idea guy he’s got loads of
ideas you gotta love him for that he
wants to give teachers guns and I
support that because then they can sell
them for things they need like supplies
protractors a lot of people want Trump
to be impeached I do not because just
when you think Trump is awful
you remember Mike Pence my defense is
what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t
gay
my the kind of guy that brushes his
teeth and then drinks orange juice and
things mmm
Mike Pence is also very anti choice
he thinks abortion is murder which first
of all don’t knock it till you try it
and when you do try it really knock it
you know you gotta get that baby out of
there and yeah sure you can groan all
you won I know a lot of you are very
anti-abortion you know unless it’s the
one you got for your secret mistress
find out that ideas can waver but good
for you
my guess is a weirder though he’s a
weird little guy he might he won’t meet
with other women without his wife
present when people first heard this
they were like that’s crazy
but now in this current climate they’re
like that’s a good witness where Jeff
Morse brings me to the me to movement
it’s probably the reason I’m here they
were like a woman’s probably not gonna
jerk off in front of anyone right and to
that I say don’t count your chickens we
wanna party now I’ve worked in a lot of
male-dominated fields before comedy I
worked at a tech company and before that
I worked on Wall Street and honestly
I’ve never really been sexually harassed
that being said I did work at Bear
Stearns in 2008 so although I haven’t
been sexually harassed I’ve definitely
been
yeah that whole company went down on me
without my consent and no man got in
trouble for that one either
no things are changing men are being
held accountable you know Al Franken was
ousted that one really hurt liberals but
I believe it was the great Ted Kennedy
who said wow that’s crazy I murdered a
woman
chambo put it in theaters now I did have
a lot of jokes I had a lot of jokes
about cabinet members but I had to scrap
all of those because everyone has been
fired you guys are going through cabinet
members quicker than Starbucks throws
out black people don’t worry they’re
having an afternoon that’ll solve it we
just needed an afternoon Mitch McConnell
isn’t here tonight he had a prior
engagement he’s finally getting his neck
circumcised
Mazal paul ryan also couldn’t make it
of course he’s already been circumcised
unfortunately why they were down there
they also took his balls yeah bye Paul
great acting though in that video
Republicans are easy to make fun of you
know it’s like shooting fish in a Chris
Christie but I also want to make fun of
Democrats Democrats are harder to make
fun of because you guys don’t do
anything free money you might flip the
House and Senate this November but you
guys always find a way to mess it up
you’re somehow going to lose by 12
points to a guy named Jeff pedophile
Nazi doctor
oh he’s a doctor we should definitely
talk about the women in the Trump
administration there’s Kellyanne Conway
man she has the perfect last name for
what she does
Conway it’s like if my name was Michele
jokes frizzy hair small tits you guys
got to stop putting Kellyanne on your
shows all she does is lie if you don’t
give her a platform she has nowhere to
lie it’s like that old saying if a tree
falls in the woods how do we get Kelly
in and under that tree I got suggesting
she gets hurt just stuck under a tree
incidentally a tree falls in the woods
is Scott Pruitt’s definition of porn
yeah we all have our kinks there’s also
a course of vodka she was supposed to be
an advocate for women but it turns out
she’s about as helpful to women as an
empty box of tampons she’s done nothing
to satisfy women so I guess like father
like daughter
oh you don’t think he’s good in bed come
on
she don’t clean up nice though Ivanka
cleans up nice she’s the diaper genie of
the administration on the outside she
looks sleek but the inside it’s still
full of and of course we have Sarah
Huckabee Sanders we are graced with
Sarah’s presence tonight I have to say
I’m a little star-struck I love you as
aunt Lydia on The Handmaid’s Tale
my pens if you haven’t seen it you would
love it
every time Sarah steps up to the podium
I get excited because I’m not really
sure what we’re gonna get you know a
press briefing a bunch of lies or
divided into softball teams it shirts
and skins and this time don’t be such a
little Jim Acosta
I actually really like Sarah I think
she’s very resourceful like she burns
facts and then she uses that ash to
create a perfect smoky eye like maybe
she’s born with it maybe it’s lies it’s
probably life and I’m not really sure
what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders you
know is it Sarah Sanders is it Sarah
Huckabee Sanders is it cousin Huckabee
is it auntie Huckabee Sanders like
what’s Uncle Tom but for white women who
disappoint other white women Oh aunt
Coulter we’ve got our friends at CNN
here welcome guys it’s great to have you
you guys love breaking news and you did
it you broke it good work the most
useful information on CNN is when
Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat
noodles Fox News is here so you know
what that means ladies come on your
drinks
seriously people want me to make fun of
Sean Hannity tonight but I cannot do
that
this junk dinners for journalists we’ve
got MSNBC here MSNBC’s new slogan is
this is who we are guys it’s not good
slogan this is here’s what your mom
thinks the sad show on NBC is called did
you watch this is who we are this week
someone left on a crock-pot and everyone
died
i watch Morning Joe every morning we now
know that Mika and Joe are engaged
congratulations you guys it’s like what
a me two works out
we are the Rachel Maddow we cannot
forget about Rachel Maddow
she’s the Peter Pan of MSNBC but instead
of never growing up she never gets to
the point watching Rachel Maddow I was
like going to target you went in from
milk but you left with shampoo candles
in the entire history of the Byzantine
Empire and of course megyn kelly what
would I do without megyn kelly you know
probably be more proud of women megyn
kelly got paid 23 million dollars by NBC
than NBC didn’t let Megan go to the
Winter Olympics why not she’s so white
cold and expensive she might as well be
the Winter Olympics by Meghan Santa’s
black the weird old guy gone through her
chimney was Bill O’Reilly
you might want to put a flu on it or
something there’s a lot of print media
here there’s a ton of you guys but I’m
not gonna go after print media tonight
because it’s illegal to attack an
endangered species bank papers there’s a
ton of news right now a lot is going on
and we have all these 24-hour news
networks and we could be covering
everything but instead we’re covering
like three topics every hour it’s Trump
Russia Hillary and a panel of four
people that remind you why you don’t go
home for Thanksgiving milk comes from
nuts now all because of the gays you
guys are obsessed with Trump did you use
to date him because you pretend like you
hate him but I think you love him I
think what no one in this room wants to
admit is that Trump has helped all of
you he couldn’t so steaks or vodka or
water or college or ties or Eric but he
has helped you he’s helped you sell your
papers and your books and your TV you
helped create this monster and now
you’re profiting off of him
and if you’re gonna profit off a Trump
you should at least give him some money
because he doesn’t have any Trump is so
broke because you think there might be
loose change in them was brought here by
his parents and didn’t do anything wrong
I gotta get the out of here the
night still doesn’t have clean water
[Applause]