Learn English Sheryl Sandberg Every day is an absolute blessing with BIG subtitles
president sans esteemed faculty proud
parents devoted friends wet siblings
congratulations to all of you but most
importantly congratulations to the
Virginia Tech class of 2017
I am honored to be with you and this San
Francisco summer day feels just like
home just like it does with anything
with tech in its name I’m so delighted
to be here with my friend Regina Dugan
as you just heard
Regina used to run DARPA for real and
now she’s developing breakthrough
technologies at Facebook in hokey terms
she’s our Bruce Smith and she’s just one
of so many alums doing amazing things
around the world today class of 2017 you
join them and I’m thrilled for you and
thrilled for all of the people who are
here supporting you the people who have
pushed you dried your tears and laughed
with you from your very first day to
this day
let’s show them all of our thanks
commencement speeches can be pretty
one-sided the speaker that’s me imparts
her hard-earned wisdom or at least tries
to the graduates that’s you you sit in
the rain today and listen like the
thoughtful people you are then you hurl
your caps in the air hug your friends
let your parents take lots of pictures
of you post them on Instagram just one
idea and head off into your amazing
lives maybe swinging by Sharky’s for one
last plate of wings before you go today
is going to be a little bit different
because I’m not going to talk about
something I know and you don’t I want to
talk about something the Virginia Tech
community knows all too well
today I want to talk about resilience
this university is known for so many
things your kindness and decency your
academic excellence your deeply felt
school spirit I spend a lot of time at
colleges yes for work but also because I
might want to relive my 20 is just a
little few people talk about their
school the way Hokies talk about
Virginia Tech there is so much pride and
unity here such a deep sense of identity
and I’m gonna prove it by asking you one
simple question what’s a Hokie that’s it
what you might not realize is that that
Hokey Spirit has made all of you more
resilient I’ve spent the last two years
studying resilience because something
happened in my life that demanded more
of it than I ever would have thought
possible two years and 11 days ago I
lost my husband Dave
suddenly and unexpectedly sometimes I
still have a hard time saying the words
because I can’t quite believe it
actually happened I woke up on what I
thought would be a totally normal day
and my world just changed forever
I know important day it’s raining and
I’m up here talking about death but I
promise you there’s a reason and even
one that’s not even sad because what
I’ve learned since losing Dave has
fundamentally changed how I view this
world and how I live in it and I want to
share it with you on this day because I
think it’s gonna help you lead happier
healthier and more joyful lives and you
deserve all of that each of you walked a
very unique path to reach this day some
of you faced real trauma all of you face
challenges disappointment heartache loss
illness all of these are so personal
when they strike but they’re also so
Universal and then there are the shared
losses the Virginia Tech community knows
this you’ve stopped for a quiet moment
by the 32 hokey stones on the drill
field as I did with president sands just
this morning you’ve joined your friends
for the run in remembrance you know that
life can turn in an instant and you know
what it means to come together to pull
together to grieve together but
ultimately to over come together
after Dave died I did something I’ve
done at other hard times in my life I
hit the books with my friend Adam grant
a psychologist who studies how we find
meaning in our lives
I dove into the research on resilience
and recovery the most important thing I
learned is that we are not born with a
certain amount of resilience it is a
muscle and that means we can build it we
build resilience into ourselves we build
resilience into the people we love
and we build it together as a community
that’s called collective resilience it’s
an incredibly powerful force and it’s
one that our country and our world’s
need a lot more of right about now it is
in our relationships with each other
that we find our will to live our
capacity to love and our ability to
bring change into this world
class of 2017 you are particularly
suited to the task of building
collective resilience because you are
graduating from Virginia Tech
communities like this don’t just happen
they are formed and strengthened by
people coming together in very specific
ways you’ve been part of that here
whether you knew it or not as you go off
and become leaders and yes you will lead
you are destined to lead you can make
the communities you join and the
communities you form stronger here’s
where you start you can build collective
resilience through shared experiences
you’ve had lots of those jumping to
enter sandman' I saw that this morning
it’s incredible
and during the walk across the drill
fields in the winter kind of like John
snow at the wall
finding new loves and then new new loves
being there for each other truth rot
triumph and through disappointment every
class every meal every all-nighter has
added another strand to a vast web that
connects you to each other and to Hokies
everywhere these ties do more than
connect they support nearly 30 years ago
a very talented young man made it from a
very underprivileged background all the
way to college but then he didn’t finish
and when he dropped out he said if only
I had my Posse with me I would have
graduated that insight led an amazing
woman named Deborah BIAL to create the
posse foundation which recruits high
potential students in teams of 10 to go
from the same city to the same College
Posse kids have a 90 percent graduation
rate from some of the best schools in
the country we all need our posses
especially when life puts the obstacles
in our path out there in the world when
you leave Virginia Tech you’re gonna
have to build your own Posse and
sometimes that’s gonna mean asking for
help
this was never easy for me before Dave
died I tried to bother people as little
as possible and yes bothering people is
what I thought it was but then my life
changed and I needed my friends and
family and colleagues more than I ever
could have thought I would my mom who
along with my dad is here with me today
just like yours are here with you stayed
with me for the very first month
literally holding me as I cried myself
to sleep I had never felt weaker but I
learned that it takes strength to rely
on other
there are times to lean in and there are
times to lean on building a posse also
means acknowledging our friends
challenges before I lost Dave if a
friend was going through something hard
I would usually say I’m sorry once and I
wouldn’t bring it up again because I
didn’t want to remind them of their pain
losing my husband taught me how absurd
that was you can’t remind me I lost Dave
but like I had done with others when
people failed to mention it it felt like
there is a big old elephant following me
around everywhere I went it’s not only
death that ushers in the elephant you
want to completely silence a room say
you have cancer that your father went to
jail that you lost your job we retreat
into silence just when we need each
other the most now not everyone’s gonna
want to talk about everything all the
time but saying to a friend I know
you’re suffering and I am here with you
can kick a very ugly elephant out of any
room if you’re in someone’s posse don’t
just offer to help in a generic way
before I lost Dave when a friend was in
need I would say is there anything I can
do and I meant it kindly the problem is
that question kind of shifts the burden
to the person in need and when people
asked me I didn’t know how to answer the
question can you make Father’s Day go
away
here’s a different approach when my
friend Dan levy his son was sick in the
hospital a friend texted him and said
what do you not want on a burger another
friend texted from the lobby and said
I’m in the lobby of the hospital for a
hug for the next hour whether you come
down or not you don’t have to do
something huge you don’t have to wait
for someone to tell you exact
we what they need and you do not have to
be someone’s best friend from the first
grade to show up if you are there for
your friends and let them be there for
you if you laugh together until your
side’s ache if you hold each other as
you cry and maybe even bring them a
burger with the wrong toppings before
they ask that won’t just make you more
resilient it’ll help you lead a deeper
and more meaningful life we also build
collective resilience through shared
narratives that might sound light how
important can a story be but stories are
vital they’re how we explain our past
and they’re how we set expectations for
our future and they help us build the
common understanding that creates a
community in the first place every time
your friends tell their favorite tales
like I don’t know when tech beat UVA and
double overtime you strengthen your
bonds to each other
shared narratives are critical for
fighting injustice and creating social
change a few years ago we started linen
org to help work towards gender equality
helping women and men for enrolling in
circles small groups that support each
other’s ambitions there are now more
than 33,000 circles in 150 countries but
it wasn’t until I lost Dave that I
understood why circles are thriving it’s
because they build collective resilience
not long ago I was in Beijing and I had
a chance to meet with women from lean in
circles across China like in a lot of
places it’s not always easy to be a
woman in China if you’re unmarried past
age 27 you’re called Chang knew a
leftover woman and I thought the word
widowed was bad the stigma that comes
from being a leftover woman can be
intense one woman
a 36 year old economics professor was
rejected by 15 men because wait for it
she was too educated after that her
father forbade her younger sister from
going to graduate school but more than
80,000 women have come together in linen
circles to create a new narrative one
circle created a play the leftover
monologues which celebrates being left
over and tackles the topics too often
unspoken like sexual harassment
date rape and homophobia the world told
them what their story should be and they
said actually we’re writing a different
story for ourselves we are not left over
we are strong and we will write our
story together building collective
resilience also means trying to
understand how the world looks to those
who have experienced it differently
because they’re a different race come
from a different country have an
economic background unlike yours we each
have our own story but we can write new
ones together and that means seeing the
values in each other’s points of view
and looking for common ground and you
would hear a little bit anxious about
your future not sure where the future is
taking you sometimes me too and you know
what helps you combat that fear a very
big idea captured in a very tiny word
hope there are many kinds of hope
there’s the hope that she wouldn’t swipe
left sorry
there’s the hope that as you sit here
your stuff will magically pack itself
sorry there’s the hope that it would
stop raining double sorry
but my favorite kind of hope is called
grounded hope the understanding that if
you take action you can make things
better we normally think of hope at
something that’s held in individual
people but hope like resilience is
something we grow and nurture together
just two days ago I visited mother
Emanuel Church in Charleston we all know
about the shooting that took place there
just two years ago claiming the lives of
a pastor and eight worshippers what
happened afterwards was extraordinary
instead of being consumed by hatred the
community came together to stand against
racism and violence as a local pastor
Jermaine Watkins beautifully put it to
hatred we say no way not today to
division we say no way not today and to
loss of hope we say no way not today
that was the theme of maybe the most
touching Facebook post I’ve ever read
and let’s face it I’ve read a lot of
Facebook posts this one was by Antoine
Liris a journalist in Paris whose wife
heléne was killed in the 2015 Paris
attacks two days later two days he wrote
an open letter to his wife killers he
said on Friday night you stole the life
of an exceptional being the love of my
life the mother of my son but you will
not have my hate my 17 month old son
will play as we do every day and all his
life this little boy will defy you by
being happy and free because you will
not have his hate either strength like
like that makes all of us who see it
stronger hope like that makes all of us
more hopeful that’s how collective
resilience works we lift each other up
this might seem very intuitive to you
Hokies because these qualities of
collective resilience shared experiences
shared narratives and shared hope shine
forth from every corner of this
university you are a testament to
courage faith and love and that’s been
true not just for these past ten years
but for over a century before then this
university means a lot to you graduates
but it also means a lot to America and
to the world so many of us look to you
as an example of how to stay strong and
brave and true
this is your legacy class of 2017 you
[Music]
will carry it with you that capacity for
finding strength in yourselves and
building strength in the people around
you Virginia Tech has given you a
purpose reflected in your motto that I
may serve an important way you can serve
and lead is by helping build resilience
in the world we have a responsibility to
help families and communities become
more resilient because none of us get
through anything alone we get through it
together as you leave this beautiful
campus and set out into the world build
resilience in yourselves when tragedy or
disappointment strike know that deep
inside you you have the ability to get
through anything I promise you do as the
saying goes we are more vulnerable than
we ever thought but we are stronger than
we ever imagined
build resilient organizations speak up
when you see injustice lend your time
and your passion to the causes that
matter
my favorite poster at Facebook reads
nothing at Facebook is something else’s
problem when you see something that’s
broken and there is a lot that is broken
out there go fix it your motto demands
that you do build resilient communities
Virginia Tech founded the Global Forum
on resilience four years ago and it’s
doing outstanding work in this fields be
there for your friends and family and I
mean in person not just in a message
with a heart emoji even though those are
pretty great to be there for your
neighbors it’s a divided time in our
country and we need you to help us heal
lift each other up and celebrate each
and every moment of joy because one of
the most important ways you can build
resilience is by cultivating gratitude
two years ago if someone had told me
that I would lose the love of my life
and become more grateful I would have
never believed them but that’s what
happened because today I am more
grateful now than I ever was before for
my family and especially my children for
my friends for my work for life itself a
few months ago my cousin Laura turned 50
graduates you may not appreciate that
turning 50 happens soon and feels old
but your parents do
I called her that morning and I said
happy birthday Laura but I’m also
calling to say in case you woke up with
that oh my god I’m 50 thing don’t do
that this is the year Dave doesn’t turn
50 either we get older or we don’t
no more jokes about growing olds every
year every moment even in the pouring
rain is an absolute gift you don’t have
to wait for special occasions like
graduation to feel and show your
gratitude to your family your friends
your professors your baristas everyone
counting your blessings increases them
people who take the time to focus on the
things they’re grateful for are happier
and healthier my new year’s resolution
last year was to write down three
moments of joy before I went to bed each
night this very simple thing has changed
my life because I realized I used to go
to bed every night thinking about what I
did wrong and what I was gonna do wrong
the next day now I go to sleep thinking
of what went right and when those
moments of joy happened throughout the
day I noticed them more because I know
they’ll make the notebook try it start
tonight on this day full of happy
memories but maybe before you hit Big
Al’s graduates on the path before you
you will have good days and you will
have hard days go through all of them
together seek shared experiences with
all kinds of people write shared
narratives that create the world you
want to live in builds shared hope in
the communities you join and the
communities you form and above all find
gratitude for the gift of life itself
and the opportunities it provides for
meaning for joy and for love
tonight when I write down my three
moments of joy I will write about this
about the hope and the amazing
resilience of this community and maybe
you’ll write that I finally stopped
talking you have the whole world in
front of you I cannot wait to see what
you do with it congratulations and go
Hokies
[Applause]