Stephen Colberts Commencement Speech with Big Subtitles
oh what a day what a lovely day it’s a
pleasure to be addressing the Wake
Forest graduating class of 2015 I want
to start by thanking the administration
and the trustees for inviting me to
speak I want to thank them for giving me
an honorary Doctorate of humanities I’m
I’m a huge fan of humans I have to thank
them for this thing around my neck
there’s nothing you want on a chilly day
like today than a nice scarf and I
especially want to thank the university
president Nathan o hatch known to you as
Nate dog natty oh the hatchet hatch
Adams senator Orrin Hatch
angel dust
and I only made a couple of those up of
course we mustn’t forget the parents who
to get you students to this day have
sacrificed so many things primarily
money I’m sure there are other things
they’ve sacrificed but I’m gonna guess
that money’s the one they bring up most
often most importantly congratulations
to you the class of 2015 you did it
and you look amazing although it’s a
little embarrassing you all showed up in
the same outfit really maybe even all
the accessories are the same everyone
has a black and gold tassel or is it
blue and white
grandparents just know this was the
issue that divided a generation you had
the Vietnam War your grandchildren had
an ambiguously colored tumblr tumblr
posts I’m so proud to be your
commencement speaker today because I
know that I am following in some
impressive footsteps last year you heard
from New York Times executive editor
Jill Abramson who unfortunately lost her
job just five days before her speech is
there something you know about my new
job that I don’t please just tell me I
really need that money
I have kids in college of course for you
grads the future is a dark chasm of
yawning uncertainty but don’t worry you
don’t have to face the future for like
two hours
first brunch then yawning uncertainty
but for now you are still nestled in the
beautiful comforting bosom of Wake
Forest there’s an interesting story
about how this institution came to be
the father of Wake Forest Samuel Waite
was trying to raise money for a
different school but during his travels
his horse ran off and he became stranded
nearby so the locals asked him to lead
their new University it was a simpler
time back then they just handed out
universities to whoever’s horse had run
off most recently this man has no
control over his animals surely he has
something to teach us all of course
Wake Forest or whack fo as I’ve been
asked by Provost Kirsch not to call it
wasn’t always the purely academic
institution it is today it was founded
as the seductively named Wake Forest
manual labor Institute and students
spent half their day toiling in the
fields the first class had just 16
students one of them just 12 years old
but he was a prodigy he could haul sacks
of grain at a college level back then of
course if you didn’t get into the Wake
Forest manual labor Institute you could
always settle for the North Carolina
crushing toil Academy which now of
course is known as UNC Wake Forest has
always been a leader in the late 19th
century this was among the first
southern schools to teach biology in a
lab before then you weren’t supposed to
learn biology until marriage
in 1962 Wake Forest had the proud
distinction of being the South’s first
major private school to integrate and
yes they’ve kept it up all right
you don’t know these days you don’t know
even now wake forces trailblazer
you are America’s first top 30 school to
make standardized testing optional the
implications are huge consider this and
a group of 30 applicants we’re 15 took
the SATs 10 took the a CTS and 5 took no
tests calculate the ratio between
actually forget it y’all didn’t have to
know any of that stuff still while Wake
has been a trailblazer this is a school
that respects tradition traditions like
rolling the quad with toilet paper after
big wins and this is actually an
eco-friendly tradition because looking
at this season’s win-loss record you
guys saved a lot of paper
let me win you back Duke sucks
I do want to say one thing that I love
about rolling the quad it really sticks
it to the trees
I mean covering a tree with a processed
pulp of its relatives that sends a harsh
message best like throwing wallets an
alligator or flinging piano keys at an
elephant speaking of the quad streaking
is anyone here make it under their robes
no just just me okay you are the rare
school that not only streaks your quad
you also have a 24-hour live webcam
pointed addicts come on neighthan on a
webcam really you young people know
that’s wrong those are the kind of
pictures you’re supposed to snapchat to
each other you people also have campus
traditions that are people I want to
give a shout out to mr. Dean Shore the
University barber
there is Dean actually he actually
contacted me first by sending me a
facebook request the minute my plane
landed he’s a friend of so many students
and a real throwback to a simpler time
because when your biggest local
celebrity is a barber you’re basically a
medieval village but of all the local
celebrities none is more famous than
your mascot the demon deacon
everybody loves the deacon when he rides
out on his motorcycle during basketball
games the crowd erupts with a madness
that can come only from the passion of
true fans or from inhaling motorcycle
fumes in an enclosed space clearly Wake
Forest has come a long way since it was
a labor school founded by a horseless
drifter but as great as Wake Forest is
Wake is your past now it is my
responsibility as a commencement speaker
to prepare you for what awaits you in
the future here it is no one has any
idea what’s going to happen not even
Elon Musk
that’s why he’s building those Rockets
he wants a plan B on another world but
whatever happens I think it’s entirely
appropriate that I’m the one talking to
you right now because I just spent many
years learning to do one thing really
well I got so comfortable with that
place that role those responsibilities
that it came to define how I saw myself
but now that part of my life is over
it’s time to say goodbye to the person
we’ve become we’ve worked so hard to
perfect and to make some crucial
decisions and becoming who we’re going
to be for me I’ll have to figure out how
to do an hour-long show every night and
you at some point will have to sleep I
am told the adderall wears off
eventually good luck
but this uncertainty is not new to your
generation the future is always
uncertain the only thing we can sure
will happen in 2016 is that will elect a
new president and that between now and
then about this many people will run as
the Republican nominee yes you are
graduating into an election year which
is a technical term for two years before
an election a lot of candidates will be
vying for your attention and you will
perform the ultimate civic duty deciding
for whom you will swipe left and for
whom you will swipe right because I
think we’re voting on tinder now at
least the Republicans our Democrats
might be voting on Grindr I don’t know
with all these people appealing to you
you’re gonna have to learn pretty damn
quick how to tell the difference between
hype and substance so to keep folks from
selling you things and ideas that aren’t
true you will need a well calibrated BS
detector and luckily I’m selling them
today for the low low price of just
89.95 order now and I’ll include an anti
flim-flam travel case that Stephen
Colbert’s BS detector if you buy it
that means you needed it if there’s one
thing you need even more it’s your own
set of standards it may seem
counterintuitive now but once you leave
here you may miss being graded on all
your work because when you’re out of
school there are no objective criteria
for achievement anymore people my age
will sometimes say to you hey that work
you did that that thing you said that
cause you championed it’s not good well
having your own standards will help you
weather moments like that having your
own standards allows you to perceive
success where others may see failure I’m
reminded of one famous inventor who was
ridiculed for his dream but flash
forward 15 years to the day and do we or
do we not
now all ride segways to work
we do not but they are featured
prominently in the movie paul blart mall
cop that’s good too
here’s another example over the years I
have given my work a lot of thought I
have my own standard for success now I
have a pretty good idea of what jokes
will get laughs and a pretty good idea
of what jokes maybe iffy but I’m gonna
say them anyway because I kind of like
how iffy they are and those who have
watched my show over the years know I
have made that decision many times but
having my own standards is why I could
keep going at times when no one laughed
or when I thought the person I was
interviewing might throw a punch at me
it’s also why the epitaph on my
tombstone will probably read well I
thought it was funny of course any
standards worth having will be a
challenge to meet and most of the time
you will fall short but what is nice
about having your own set of standards
is that from now on you fill out your
own report card so do yourself a favor
be an easy grader score yourself on a
curve give yourself extra credit you
have the power you are your own
professor now which I know is a little
creepy because that means you’re
showering with your professor but you
have tenure they can’t fire you
so I hope you find the courage to decide
for yourself what is right and what is
wrong and then please expect as much of
the world around you try to make the
world good according to your standards
it won’t be easy get ready for my
generation to tell you everything that
can’t be done like ending racial tension
we’re getting money out of politics or
lowering the world’s carbon emissions
and we should know they can’t be done
after all we’re the ones who didn’t do
them your job Pro Humanity is to prove
us wrong because if you don’t prove us
wrong then forget everything I’ve been
saying and instead I’d like to leave you
with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a
documentary I saw this weekend Mad Max
fury road all you young people really
need to succeed in the future is a
reliable source of fuel and a fanatical
cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers
may you ride eternal shiny and chrome
thank you for the honor of addressing
you and congratulations again to the
Wake Forest class of 2015
[Applause]