Accountability is a love language
[Music]
when i received my first semester
results for my undergraduate studies
i was shocked i had one distinction
three low passes and two fails
to make matters worse i was a
scholarship student
so over and above the dreaded talk with
my parents
i had another group of people to show
these terrible results to
so after what felt like hours of nervous
contemplation and restless passing
i finally gathered the guts to go and
meet the hr director
mrs gapari i walked into your office
handed her the print out then waited for
the storm
are these your results tuffy
what’s happened i
i don’t know ma’am
what do you mean you don’t know this
results are really unlike you
what happened tuffy
i i don’t know ma’am
the bot will not like this tuffy
okay let’s do this take the weekend
go figure out what happened but most
importantly
come back to me with a plan on how we’re
going to make sure that
this this can’t happen again taffy
yes ma’am
relieved that my scholarship had not
been terminated on the
on the spot i could finally think about
what happened
and i figured it out no
i wasn’t parting wildly and banking
classes to nurse hangovers
why are you so judgmental rather
i had just struggled to navigate the
transition
between my highly structured boarding
school and the freedom of university
no prefects no sirens no punishment
freedom so rather than managing myself
to create study sessions
i really enjoyed bollywood movies
so i spent a lot of time watching those
three hour movies
the ones with intermissions in between
so that’s where the rules had fallen off
so i then figured to make sure that this
never happens again
i would study harder so i went back to
mrs capara and i told her
ma’am i know what i’m going to do
i’m going to work harder she was not
having it
she pushed back she challenged me to
define what working harder meant
she wanted to know when how long where
so finally we came up with a plan she
approved the plan
i worked the plan the plan worked i
graduated with good grades
for a while i knew that that
conversation had been critical
to my recovery from that bad semester
but it has taken me about a decade to
fully understand
the gift that mrs capara gave me on that
day
because over the last decade i’ve
continued to use the gift that she gave
me
for my personal development and to
achieve my goals
it has become one of the most highly
valued benefits of my work
as a high performance coach helping
young professionals to accelerate
their growth it has the tool that has
transformed the corporate teams that i
work with
to address poor performance and increase
productivity
it is the gift of accountability
conversations
the willingness to tackle the elephants
in the room
with kindness but firmness
and that is what i’m here to talk to you
about i’m here to extend the same gift
to you
so that you can pay it forward because
you might not have a failing student in
your life
but we are surrounded by people who are
struggling to navigate transitions
and we are not talking about it
at an individual level we will ignore
the growing numbers on the scale
or our personal debt preferring to bury
our heads in the sand and hope that by
some miracle it will self-resolve
as families we are not confronting
abusive uncles
rather talking about it in harsh tones
at family gatherings
in the workplace underperforming team
leaders are only discussed in the car
park
if they are in the meeting when we
discuss it it’s a very generic beating
about the bush about how we all need to
do better
would i still be safe if i talked about
our ranting and raving on twitter
about inefficient public services whilst
we are too busy to show up for community
meetings
now i know that the ted audience are
good people
you don’t do such things but by show of
hands let me know if you know some mere
motors around you
who practice this
it is happening and initially it might
look a bit harmless
except when we pay attention we
recognize that there is a prize we are
paying
because the ignored numbers on the scale
add up
to become an early death due to weight
related medical conditions
the personal debt escalates and ends up
in repossessed properties and kids
kicked out of school
the next family gathering is sadly
auntie’s funeral
as she becomes just another statistic on
gender-based violence
underperforming team leaders cost us
market share talent
donors and organizations fold under poor
leadership
about digital active citizens who are
too busy to show up for
inefficient services well you’re leaving
it
i won’t go there so you would agree with
me
we have a problem and we need to talk
the good news is we also have a solution
and a significant part of that solution
is you
and i we are the people who can choose
to have accountability conversations
we are the people who can decide to
address the elephants in the room
to step in before it’s too late to
salvage a situation
to ensure that the ending is different
for the next few minutes i will share
with you two questions
and one skill that i hope will prepare
you for the next accountability
conversation
when you find yourself in a room with an
elephant
so where do we start from we start by
asking the first question
which is what happened
what happened might seem like a
seemingly simple question
but within an accountability
conversation it is the first step
to acknowledging that there is a problem
it is a way of holding up the mirror to
flag a deviation
a deviation from a plan from the
expected
or from the known accountability is a
way for us to uphold
the norms and the standards because when
deviations are not
addressed they become normalized so when
we ask what happened
we are refusing to pretend that we
somehow got here by some miracle or some
misfortune
rather we are stating that it is
behaviors and choices that brought us
here
and the right people need to take
ownership for those decisions
it is only when people take ownership
that we can begin to solve the problems
that we have
so we begin accountability conversations
by asking
what’s happened first question done
now the skill
if you just asked what happened well
done you learn fast
now let me tell you what happened i
practiced the skill
a critical skill in accountability
conversations
is holding the space because ordinarily
when things go wrong
outsiders come in with judgment and
accusations
i mean from our high horses of
perfectionism we can clearly see what
happened
we can see the selfishness the greed the
negligence the incompetence that brought
us into this situation
but guess what happens when people feel
an attack coming
they become defensive they are ready to
defend themselves
and justify the choices that they met
between judgment and defensiveness we
never really figure out what happened
hence the call to holding the space and
accountability conversations
the willingness to suspend our own
assumptions and judgment
and hopefully create a safe space enough
for
other people to also put down their
guilt and defensiveness
then reflect on what happened because
when we hold the space we allow people
not only to identify the behaviors
that cause the problem but they can go
deeper to develop self-awareness
to understand the needs the insecurities
that is keeping them in this cycle
so we ask what happened and then we hold
the space to allow people to figure out
what happened
now i can see some of you already
plotting your next accountability
conversation stay with me
they still want more questions to be
addressed the last question we ask in
accountability conversations
is so what’s the plan remember my
intention was to work harder
but the plan detailed when how
and where when we ask what’s the plan
we are giving people an opportunity to
fully take stock
of what needs to change
because it is good intentions with no
plans that keep people stuck in
destructive cycles
so when we ask people what’s the plan we
are creating space for them to figure
out
what has to start and what stops instead
we are allowing them to figure out what
it is they need to give up
to get different results and that my
friends
is the power of accountability
conversations
it is the willingness to acknowledge
problems
to identify the behaviors that cause the
situation
and to create an informed recovery plan
on how we’re going to improve
the best part for me about
accountability conversations
is that in a way it’s a love language
because if you were on a slippery slope
and somebody pressed pause and showed
you that you’re on a slippery slope
wouldn’t you feel loved if somebody was
willing to suspend their judgment and
assumptions about your choices
and created a space safe enough for you
to figure out what happened
but empower you with self-awareness
isn’t that love
rather than waiting for you to get
better if somebody was willing to
walk the journey of improvement with you
i would say that is love accountability
is a love language
so if the shoe fits start with yourself
then love your family and friends love
your colleagues and community
love your country hold them accountable
thank you
[Music]
you