The Adventure of Uncertainty
[Music]
on june 12
2012 at around 2 a.m
i left an abusive relationship
with only what i could carry in two
hands
it was pouring rain and the car that
parked next to me parked
so close that i got
wedged in between the two cars
holding all this stuff as
pictures from my entire life
slipped out of the small box that they
were in
and started flying around
and landing in the puddles on the ground
i crammed all of my belongings as
quickly as i could
into the car terrified that
he would come downstairs and hurt me
or even worse possibly
accidentally kill me to get that car
i had made the mistake of putting our
shared car
in my name and getting loans
to help him and then setting the
payments up
to be taken directly out of my paychecks
so when i left i only had enough money
to pay for my phone bill
and food i successfully made it out of
that parking lot
that night with the car and for the next
year and a half i bounced around
friends couches three days at a time
to make sure that i didn’t overstay
my welcome despite their offers to stay
long-term
some would call it homeless
i called it the angel world tour
and i had a blast actually getting a
chance to spend time
with the people that i cared about i
took this
painful traumatic time
and i learned what i could from it
and i found the adventure in it
i wish more people would allow
themselves to experience
times of uncertainty this way
most of us don’t celebrate what’s
unknown
or uncertain in our lives in fact most
people go to great lengths to stay
out of that scary gray area
you know what i’m talking about we want
everything to go
exactly as planned so we follow a
societal blueprint
and we plan and we plan
even if we lose our true selves in the
process
it gives us a sense of control
over our lives a sense that we’re doing
what we’re supposed to do
we ask five-year-olds to tell us what
they want to be when they grow up
and we demand that high school seniors
know exactly what they plan to do with
the rest of their lives
when they’re not even old enough to vote
we grow up with all kinds of messaging
both
at home and in the media that puts value
on certainty on how
much and what we know
on following a clear tried and true path
that will lead us to the kind of
stability we’re supposed to have
many of us compare our lives to that of
the joneses you know
the ones who post pictures on social
media
of their perfect lives full of
perfect well thought out decisions
perfect health perfect careers perfect
parenting techniques perfect
relationships perfect
vacations i mean
they have it all figured out
they just know what they’re doing in
life
ah they’re so happy
except that’s a bunch of bull we may
have an
area of life or even two or three if
we’re lucky pretty much figured out
but no one has it all together
we just want people to think we do it
makes us
look reliable and smart
and successful and happy
and we want to look happy
we want to look happy so badly
that we’re willing to sacrifice actually
being happy for the facade of
looking happy i mean god forbid
someone finds out we may be struggling
financially
or spending 40 hours a week or more at a
job that we wish we could
walk out of tomorrow or a kid has
behavioral issues and we don’t know how
to fix it
our desire for certainty and control
and checking off the right boxes
gets in the way of us living our lives
fully
it robs us of the opportunity
to grow and learn and discover
ourselves and the world in a truly
authentic way because certainty
leaves no room for discovery
for failure for adventure
i would know my life has been quite the
adventure
in some exciting and not so exciting
ways
i started booking acting jobs when i was
six
i took a flying lesson when i was 11
because why
fly in a plane when you can fly the
plane
i started recording in professional
recording studios
when i was 14 my mom worked for an
airline
when i was growing up so i flew free so
naturally
when i was 17 i wanted creme brulee one
so i flew to paris myself overnight to
get some
the same year i wanted cajun food so i
flew to new orleans
for lunch and i met britney spears mom
and sister on the plane
and i asked them where to get lunch for
the record
she said to get a po boy in the french
quarter but i didn’t i got something
else
i traveled to kenya alone
when i was 19. i chose not
to go to college i was very fortunate to
have a mother who supported
this way of being i’m not a parent but
as a daughter i highly recommend
this parenting style but it wasn’t
all exciting i’ve also experienced quite
a bit
of trauma sexual abuse
sexual assault the domestic violence
that i mentioned earlier
and i was even mugged at gunpoint when i
was
- that kind of trauma early on
has a way of making the brain expect
uncertainty according to a yale
university study on cognition
our brains crave stability
but benefit from volatility
we actually learn more in uncertain
environments
as our brains are forced to create and
update
a set of rules to help us predict how
our world works
from an evolutionary perspective
we gravitate toward the familiar as
experiences we’ve survived are
recognized by our brains
as safer than the unknown
our brains find comfort in the familiar
even when it’s associated with a
negative feeling so
a brain like mine finds comfort in
uncertainty and sometimes even chaos
because that’s what it knows best
maybe that’s why i so intentionally
created a life of adventure
growing up i gravitated toward
experiences that i
thought were positive uncertainty to
cope
with the negative uncertainty maybe
that’s why i’m an artist
i’m a songwriter i’m a singer and i
paint
so i’ve chosen arguably the
most uncertain career path
possible the music industry is just one
big ol
no with a yes sprinkled in every now and
then
it’s not the kind of career that
promises a promotion
or a raise for a job well done and there
are no
paid sick days or vacation days but
that’s the price i pay for the thrill of
getting to do
what i love and connecting with others
through my art
i’ll admit i’ve even found a thrill in
not
knowing how my rent would get paid
sometimes because
it felt like an adventure first i’d have
a meltdown
and feel sorry for myself and think it
was the end of the world but
it never is in reality it would force me
to be
resourceful and creative and
discover new parts of myself it was
always a doorway to new possibilities
that i’d never otherwise encounter
when i choose to be courageous and
humble and honest with
others about that uncertainty and
overall not having it figured outness i
connect with people more authentically
that’s because that’s all of us
even the joneses no one connects
on being perfect because it’s not a real
thing
we connect with our humility
with our humanity and i’m not suggesting
that we live in a world of complete
chaos
no i’m suggesting that we embrace
the inevitable uncertainty as it comes
and allow it to take us on an adventure
that may just lead us to the kind of
clarity
that frees us to be our authentic selves
as a creative i find most of my
inspiration
in those gray uncertain areas
i had zero experience in kids music
so naturally i just had to write a kids
song right
that song got my writing partner in me
a deal with nickelodeon to write songs
for
dory the explorer and dora and friends
into the city
which led to sesame street and others
this led to over 40 songs in those shows
airing all over the world every single
day
another example is my painting i thought
i just wasn’t good at it
that was until my good friend monique
asked me to paint a mural
of the disney princesses in her
daughter’s room
her daughter makayla was born with a
rare
liver disease and would need a
transplant so she wanted to make
michaela’s room
special i said yes
i had no idea what i was doing but i
figured i’d figure it out
here’s that painting and here are
some others that i’ve done
since that moment of figuring out i
could paint
some argue that i just have natural
talent
but i argue that my openness to the
possibilities
that existed in the uncertainty of not
knowing
how to paint is what allowed me to
figure it out in the first place
had i just decided that i didn’t know
how to paint
and i was unable to learn i would have
never
picked up a paintbrush it was embracing
the uncertainty that led to something
really beautiful
now i can’t imagine my life without it
i’ve been thinking a lot about
uncertainty lately
as everything in my life feels really
out of control
it even feels too uncertain for me
last year i was diagnosed with a rare
incurable autoimmune neuromuscular
disease
called myasthenia gravis
which causes weakness of the voluntary
muscles
the hallmark of mg is variability
uncertainty much sometimes
my days are somewhat normal as long as i
don’t overdo it
and sometimes i’m so weak that i can’t
hold up
a cup of coffee or wash my hair
or change my clothes or talk
without getting extremely weak or short
of breath
i went from being on a plane sometimes
every week
to not knowing what any given day will
look like for me
it’s affecting my voice right now as i
speak
just last year i was hospitalized with
my first
mg exacerbation which had me very close
to needing a ventilator to brief
i can’t control how this disease will
affect my body
but i can make adjustments that will
allow me to continue
to find adventure in the chaos
and uncertainty of it all
some days come with a lot
of frustration and tears
and humbling myself to
ask for and accept help
but it sure beats trying to keep up with
the fallacy that is the joneses
sometimes my voice gets weak
which makes it impossible
to work
as a songwriter and singer
similar weakness
also makes painting difficult
and sometimes existing difficult
this is not how i envisioned my life
but i refuse to just give up so i’m
learning
to paint my vision just a little
differently
that is an adventure all in itself
my message to you
when uncertainty comes your way
embrace please say
yes let go of the rules
let go of the shame allow it to take you
on an adventure
so you can truly live and connect
with yourself authentically because
if you’re not connecting with yourself
authentically
you’re not connecting with others fully
let uncertainty lead you
to that place of true clarity
let it challenge everything you think
you know
about your identity and your desires
and your abilities let it be
the breeding ground for inspiration
for that bold next step
there is so much there
for you to discover
life really is an adventure when you
make it one
thank you