The Future of Dating Careers in Matrimonies in Africa
afternoon ladies and gentlemen
okay i figured that was my fault not
yours
the future of dating careers and
matrimony in africa
has anybody ever thought about that
we’ve thought about technology
thought about everything else but nobody
has ever thought about
the future of dating
and matrimony marriages in africa
first and foremost this is the second
time
that relationships in africa has been
disrupted
the first time happened when
ships uh settled in and uh the nuclear
family was broken
the second time happened when technology
flew in and millennials felt that
the need to connect i felt the need to
connect to the world
i think that as african millennials
we have become so conscious about
technology everything moving
everyone’s talking about the fourth
industrial revolution
except for the advancement of human
beings and human relationships
and this is where it all started for me
i realized that the core of
our issue as africans was that our
cultures were so rigid
it was so fixed in traditions
it was so fixed on you know uh
our beliefs and then came people that
told us about religion
and so we were formed to believe in some
sort of structure and that formed our
society
but now the dangerous thing with that
was with the rigid mindset
you sort of just live your life with
like
shutters in your eyes so basically you
start a relationship
and six months into it you’re thinking
is this
it is this really it should there be
something else
and then you go on to your dating apps
and you find somebody else that seems to
have something that
fancies you and there goes your previous
partner
and on to the next this problem has
caused something that i’ve seen where
it literally kind of
implicates our need for meaning
and our need for success because this
is this its syndrome is typical to the
workplace
when you sit in a job and you’re
thinking is this it
should there be more what is my purpose
so now there’s this
constant conflict that we face as human
beings
in our dating careers where we are like
maybe there’s something else
but now this kind of conflicts with our
need for meaning
and how we define success and now even
though human beings
are wired for connection you find that
we have now traded places with uh our
careers
where as i’m saying relationships now
just like our careers
have become uh that we we use them in in
the same
typical kind of way i have seen that
with
is this its syndrome that african
millennials seek
identity more than anything else but
also african
millennials or millennials at large seek
connection
and these things become very
contradictory because in the pursuit for
identity you also have this need for
connection
but the pursuit for identity means that
you’re going to
sort of close yourself up and isolate
yourself to the world
when you’re trying to find it so you
want to be an individual
how does this affect us how does
dating careers in metro many affect us
how does is this
it affect us i went on and i thought
about that
in my life i live life as a as a african
millennial specialist which is why i’m
speaking about african millennials
specifically in the african space
a focus on human behavior and how it
affects us in technology
and more especially in relationships
written a book called finding makoti
which is an introspective book
that kind of goes on the journey about
manhood and
how modern men have been affected today
and how african men have been affected
today
so let’s get into it dating careers
now this is a subconsciously compiled
resume that we all have at the back of
our heads where
as you know remember those questions
where they asked you so how many girls
have you been with once you’re married
or
how many people have you slept with
these are the careers that we’re
actually starting to build
because now more than often we get into
more engagements and more careers and
more sexual connections
now i’ve also realized that we date
strangely these days it’s either
we date based on feelings and kind of
discount the logic aspect or we discount
the feelings
and date on logic we can’t seem to find
some sort of balance in that
and one of the core reasons that causes
that is
access right we have been
given so much access to the world that
we cannot take time now to
think introspect spend time with loved
ones give time
in this pursuit for time and uh wanting
quality time and
all these precious things we’ve actually
taken all that away
because of how the world has given us
access
we no longer are close but we’ve been
driven further apart especially in
africa
which was once called the dark continent
and now more than ever
we really do need that darkness to just
close us off off the toxicity
and everything that exists in the world
the second reason
has been that we are now prone to
adaptation
as africa like i said africa is a dark
continent or was called the dark
continent and all we ever do is just
catch up
and thinking about this it means that
every time it is that we adapt to
something that is foreign to us
we just have to stick to the systems
that are given to us
and now in global relations and the
trend that is going on
where you know like i said the use of
dating apps and everything else
has been so much chaos that has been
caused within the african landscape in
that regard
millennials african millennials to be
specific i’m now more confused than ever
about finding the right partner
the second thing that uh we now face
or the third thing rather that we now
face in in regards to dating
is that we see this thing called
individualism and like i said in the
beginning where
we have gone from a space where as
africans you know we used to have
community and we used to speak
to one another and all these amazing
things that were very human centric and
very important to
human beings and the human structure of
things now we face a time where everyone
wants to be
an individual where you shop how you
dress how you look
but the more it is that we want to be
individuals we actually end up looking
the same
i’ve seen this with women you know they
go shopping for clothes and then they
get to an event
and suddenly they’re all dressed in the
same way they wear the same hair
they have the same makeup on and this
was a very interesting question to me
because we’re trying to move
further away and be individuals but now
we seem to be more alike
and now there’s this thing that i’ve
also stumbled upon where
people have this i deserve someone that
can accept me the way i
am or love me for me this has caused us
to sort of be very selfish
in the way we approach love because it’s
no longer doing for somebody else but
doing for yourself
and this is because of isolation when
you’re sitting in an isolated
place you know as african millennials
when you’re in a monogamous relationship
with somebody
um you start to form a form
a possessive trait because you spend so
much time alone when you do find
somebody that fulfills a need that
you have craved for a long time you
start to possess them
so this basically means that you know
you want a person that can be with you
only for you you no longer want to serve
it’s about how this person can do for
you
and i find that very wild this leads to
the sense of entitlement amongst african
millennials
where they believe they deserve success
money happiness and happy relationships
i find it rather odd and this has led me
to this particular finding
where i realize that we as african
millennials
now sit in a place where we are now
marrying for money materialistic
matrimony
just a quick question has anybody ever
thought about that how you actually
now get into relationships to marry for
money anybody somebody
okay buy a show of hands has anybody
ever thought about
how people are now marrying for money
yes put your hands up if you believe
that
interesting
how many people believe that money is
important in relationships of hands
interesting how many people believe that
financial provision
is a man’s job ladies
interesting how many people believe in
equality in relationships in marriage
hands up a lot of feminists in the room
interesting
so here you are saying that you want a
man to provide but yet you want equality
but here you are saying that you believe
that money is important in the
relationship
but who brings in the money so where is
the equality in that
and what exactly do we call this thing
called equality
the crazy thing is now lions have
blurred and
life has just become so much confusing
because
women now these days as i’ve seen it as
a man you want a man with the right kind
of job who drives the right kind of car
and somebody who has the right kind of
clothes and the right kind of brands
and this is how we identify with
ourselves so
you’re sitting unhappy and you’re alone
and then
you would want somebody that like can
kind of fulfill that need and what they
have
and what the finance can bring them i
find it pretty absurd
this leads to this thing called
insecurities now
our desire for this chase for this
modern life that we live
has caused us now to be insecure human
beings
and this is going to lead to a
phenomenon that we call
chronic loneliness just by a show of
hands if you’re brave enough how many of
you feel lonely
wow if you were brave but i believe that
everybody else does
and this chronic loneliness leads to
something that is going to come up in
the next decade
that is called emotional illness i’m
sure we’re sure
we’re all aware of mental illnesses
right yes
in the next decade we’re going to face
something that is called emotional
illness because people have discovered
that
your mental state and your emotional
state are actually two different things
and now more than ever we are suffering
from emotional illness and once you
start suffering from this bug called
emotional illness in however
way they’ll diagnose it that means that
your ability to feel
is now disabled i think that’s pretty
dangerous
the one thing that we need as human
beings to feel
becomes disabled and it will now be
labeled an illness
if you cannot do that thanks to
technology
how do we fix this now this is where it
gets interesting right
i have realized that as africans and as
african millennials
separating ourselves from the rest of
the world because i realize that the
world is what actually caused this
we were fine we need to head back a
couple of steps number one
we need to unlearn unlearning is the one
thing that i think a lot of human beings
need to start doing because we always
keep learning and taking things in
but now more than ever we need to take
time to unlearn and as
richard raw actually really uh uh
defines it he says transformation
is often more about unlearning than
learning so let’s stop with trying to
know more
and trying to know better and actually
sit down
and start unlearning how do we do that
well
we need to start rethinking modern
relationships and redirect our need for
belonging
because the need for belonging is what
got us here
number two we need to reconsider western
romanticism and explore modern
traditional
and cultural ideologies
as africans number three
we need to redefine african tradition
because you see
we faced a time where technology was
coming in our parents was telling us
this and we wanted to kind of figure out
what is right what is wrong the one
thing that we haven’t done is to sit
down and say
where are the scholars how do they now
start philosophizing and coming up with
ideologies
that are going to modernize african
traditions we don’t have to lose them
we don’t have to give up one for the
other but if we take the other
we will be lost and if we take what was
the former
we will still be lost in the dark
continent so we need to find a way to
navigate in between that
we need to also reinstitute and
re-evaluate this thing called lobola as
a trade-off
right because the biggest problem that
we face in metro many today
is how lobola is perceived and what its
use is for
my idea has been that lobola needs to be
now taken as
a form of trade-off and literally be put
into a form of
inheritance you know for future family
so for example ladies
if your husband decides to divorce you
for whatever reason
you still have these funds to carry you
through and your kids
the kids can still go to school and i’m
now thinking
will he actually leave you chances are
not would he want to give up that money
knowing that he still has it banked
somewhere
that’s what i really think about this
idea called lobola
also we need to start to explore the
state of african millennialism now
millennialism is a state of joy
a state of happiness this uh euphoric
place
that we all feel that we can belong but
as africans
how do we take millennialism and
actually define it first in a way that
it makes sense
we are all actually happy we don’t
suffer from chronic illnesses
where we don’t suffer from emotional
illnesses how are we going to start
doing that
and this is something that i really need
you to think about but before i go
i want to also introduce to you this
concept where in the past decade there
was this thing called
you know aesthetics and personal
branding we’re still there entering into
a new decade next year
and what happened is that people on have
now put themselves in a position where
you are perceived as you are not what
you are
and funny enough when a lot of you meet
a lot of people that you see on the
social that has perceived themselves as
they’re not what you thought they were
but now in this current decade or the
forthcoming decade
new concepts are going to start rising
which one we have seen which is
authenticity
awareness is a second one and
meaningfulness is the third one and i
want
us to sort of start thinking about these
three things
as individuals and how we can better
ourselves as human beings because as
much as
technology is there for us and it will
help us the one thing
that you will not survive in that fourth
industrial revolution phase
is yourself do you want to die do you
want to be ill
chances are no so stop looking into
this concept of authenticity awareness
and meaningfulness
authenticity first and foremost you’ve
got to find who you authentically are
take time away from from the world and
figure out who you are
away from ideologies things that you’ve
been taught things that you understand
about how the world was the structures
the systems
sit down and be like how am i going to
be a true and authentic human being
number two you need to be very
self-aware before self-love which you
see the world
is preaching that quite a lot you need
to be self-aware before you can actually
love yourself
and how do you go about being self-aware
secondly you need to start mastering
your skills and the things that you do
and your abilities so that it can draw
you away
from wanting to belong thirdly there’s
this beautiful concept that is called
fluidity
now fluidity means that you are able to
flow constantly
within whatever challenges and
everything else that you face remember
what i said in the beginning
we were taught systems and structures
and africans
lived life in a rigid form and right now
more than ever
african millennials need to start
exploring this form of fluidity
how do you be fluid how do you navigate
amongst political economical climates
and also with regards to relations
now the beautiful thing about everything
that i said is that
this is word that is called quality of
life
the one thing that all that is going to
do for you and the idea that i was
trying to bring to this table
was that we need to start focusing on
the quality of our lives
because after instagram has passed
facebook people that you socialize with
alcohol the hangouts the events the
photos
what remains when you die what legacy do
you leave
who is around you and the only way
to get to this quality of life is by
making sure that you’re very self-aware
that you’re a fluid human being and that
also that you have mastered your skill
sets your personality
and everything that is at the core of
you and that you are very conscious
about where your life is going and who
you are around
so how do we still have a chance at
relationships and marriage in the future
i believe so yes
and the only way like i said was when
you take time
to reconsider reevaluate how you date
what you date who has damaged you in the
past
how broken you are as a human being and
actually
sit down like just recollect get rid of
the dump
and i think there when you are at that
place where you truly know who you are
then you will find somebody that is
similar to you because
only the aware is either aware and only
the awareness either unaware
but when you are unaware there’s nothing
that you’re going to see you’re going to
keep tripling
into these things and you’re going to
have this long list and this long resume
of failed relationships the change
is going to start with unlearning and
then finding yourself
ladies and gentlemen my name is scotty i
know i was a bit trippy in the beginning
but thank you for listening to my ted
talk
you