Talking to Strangers
march 13
2020 was the last time i stepped into
school for a normal day of classes
it was the last time i saw my teachers
and friends in person
now i only see my teachers through a
screen i only see my
classmates as icons in meetings and i
only see my friends through facetime
or socially distance gatherings
i don’t know what half of my classmates
actually look like and i haven’t seen
some friends in over a year now
i’m sure the same is true for many of
you
the past year we have all become
incredibly distanced from one another
almost everyone i used to know is a
stranger
years ago this would have been an ideal
environment
my sophomore self would have loved to
stay home all day
hardly interacting with anyone now
i find myself wanting to interact with
more people on a daily basis
and this is all because of one moment
that led me to an experiment i never
thought i would conduct
two summers ago i visited college on one
of the hottest days of the year
because of this my dad and i stopped to
get a drink in a vending machine
it wasn’t working we tried again still
wasn’t working
during these attempts i noticed someone
was trying to get our attention
but i know he tried again and i still
ignored him
did he need something did my dad and i
do something wrong
after he called out a third time i
finally turned around
he explained that the vending machine
had been working for a while but
told us where i was people got injured i
felt incredibly guilty for ignoring him
i wish i had acknowledged him sooner
this moment made my father and i
realized how closed off we make
ourselves to the rest of the world
was i really so rude that everybody more
so who’s just trying to help
yes i was
i knew my behavior was a result of my
upbringing
from the time we were born we are told
that we shouldn’t interact with
strangers in any way
shape or form i’m sure you all remember
the term stranger danger
and what it meant growing up my dad was
always sure to tell me that i shouldn’t
approach other people
and should be safe i can clearly
remember many cases
when my parents would completely ignore
someone trying to talk to them
regardless of what their intentions were
because my parents tend to act this way
as i was growing up i
ended up being the exact same way why
though
did they feel the need to instill this
fear in me of other people
the answer local news
day after day especially in chicago we
hear about murders
robberies raids and any other dangerous
events you can think of on local news
chicago however isn’t as dangerous as it
seems
out of 25 major cities in the u.s
chicago is the 21st most dangerous
and according to cnn homicide drapes
were dropping
for the third year in a row in 2019.
why then does it seem that chicago is
this super violent city
it’s because the media chooses to focus
on it often times
being about hyper focuses on it but
exaggerates the violence that occurs in
certain communities
resulting in the mischaracterization of
them this
ultimately leads to people having a
false view of chicago
and i was one of those people
after realizing how closed off i was to
the rest of the world and how
disconnected i had become i decided i
wanted to make a concerted effort to
talk to and connect to the people around
me i almost immediately regretted my
decision
after all it was a drastic change to my
normal lifestyle
and as a shy person slightly
interpretive person
it was even worse because i don’t
normally seek out relationships with new
people
when i do which is very rare i end up
with a pounding heart
and so i can’t that fear of rejection
takes over
despite this i wanted to talk to people
because i knew
i was extremely disconnected and i knew
everything more closed off than was
necessary
this was terrifying i had no idea where
to start
do i just walk up to somebody while i’m
on the sidewalk do i just
start talking to someone i’m sitting
next to you on the train
these options were not pure they pumped
up my heart rate just by thinking about
them
i had to start somewhere though and
fortunately
i walked right into my first opportunity
one day when i walked my way over to the
elevators in the building that i live in
i noticed somebody was already waiting
there immediately i began to think of
things that i can say to him
i also told myself to relax multiple
times and then i probably wouldn’t see
him again
when we entered the elevator there was
silence where i considered whether or
not i would actually say something
i hadn’t thanked him because i don’t
live under a high floor
after it was probably two seconds but
fell into years
i mentioned the one anyone’s willing to
talk about that right
we discussed the shockingly cool weather
until we reached the floor that i went
on
and as the elevator doors closed behind
me i realized i had found
step one ask a question
about something within your immediate
surroundings
at first when i asked this man what do
you think of the weather
or when i told him hey it’s really cold
outside
i only did that because i knew it was
small talk i knew it was something
people did to start conversations
small talk however is just talking about
things with immediate surroundings
or that both parties have just
experienced that both parties can easily
relate to
i knew that by asking about the weather
i could start up a conversation without
making him feel as being too personal
or too changes now when i talked to that
men in the elevator
i actually jumped the gun i didn’t think
about my safety first
he lived in the same building which made
him easier to approach
but how can we tell if someone is safe
to talk to
this was a challenge during my
exploration because i know as a young
woman there are many possible
consequences to
starting up a conversation with the
wrong person
there are however less people we need to
feel than we think
many of us believe we shouldn’t talk to
strangers because they are dangerous
but the people we should be most worried
are the people we think we already
understand
after all they are statistically more
likely to harm them
what i should have started with learning
questionnaire in the elevator was with
what we can call stack zero
step zero is where you identify whether
or not approaching a structure
will have an impact on your safety one
of the best examples of this
was when i had a conversation with a
dancer i met at a competition
we were in a familiar environment that
was filled with many people
and was also monitored so i knew i would
be safe
step zero complete i then asked her
about when her team performed
this again helped me start up the
conversation without making her feel
i was too personal or to know step one
complete
from there we talked about many things
related to the event
we talked about what our team performed
what style she was
costumes etc more importantly though
when i talked to this girl we had
something that connected us
and that was dance this was important
because it allowed us to talk about
something we actually cared about
sure i could talk to the man in the
elevator about
the weather but it wasn’t something that
personally mattered to either of us
this is what we can call step two
where you find a personal connection
outside the atmosphere that helps you
connect to the person you’re talking to
yes i know this is nothing extraordinary
but it was an important step for me to
understand what defining the process
of connecting with a person you have to
reach beyond the atmosphere
you have to find something personal
now although the dancer and i had a more
personal conversation
we were limited by time awards were
starting soon
so we never got to anything more than
days
this made me ask myself how could i have
a conversation with someone like i am
i was practically gifted the opportunity
to do so
but it wasn’t a place i never really
expected
then huh if you’ve ever been to minneton
you know there’s a specific setup of
your scene there are eight chairs
set up around the flat top row and if
your party doesn’t take up all the seats
you’re seated with another part my
family decided to go there on new year’s
eve
we didn’t take up all the seats so we
were sat with two other parties
one was a couple that had kids in
college and the other
was the mother with her son it was quite
a busy night
so there was going to be time before we
were going to be
served and the presentation would begin
i decided i was going to talk
to the mother immediately to my left
step 0 was simple i had my family by my
side
and we were in a monitoring environment
step one however
took a little bit more time before i
even said anything
i spent maybe 20 minutes debating what i
would say
i was saying something i had like just
ask her about how often she’s been here
or just say something about new year’s
eve
i’m sorry to tell you that if you are a
little bit shy
or if you are a little bit introverted
like me
this part is always going to be
difficult
i forced the worst out of my mouth i
asked her if she had ever been to the
restaurant before
she surely replied that she had been
several times and always enjoyed the
food
step one complete she then responded
she asked me how many times i have done
that and what i thought as well
this lifted a huge weight off my
shoulders because i knew she was
responsive
from there we talked about different
elements of the restaurant
we talked about how chefs cram between
tables dessert for people we talked
about food
and we talked about the presentation of
it as well
from there we built on it to find our
first personal connection
we talked about where we had drove
driven from
to get to the restaurant which led to us
comparing the year’s traditions with
family
this was step two from there
we built on them we talked about our
year
we talked about our favorite memories of
our best moments
this was step three expand on a slightly
personal
topic to find other unrelated but still
personal topics
we covered many grams that gave me a
great idea of who she was
her son even joined in on the
conversation after i mentioned something
he could relate to
this was easier for him because the
mother and i had broken conversational
that conversational barrier between
groups
even my dad who taught me how to ignore
people joined another conversation
after a while all three parties were
talking together
the fancy presentation in front of us
was no longer
just a way to avoid eye contact i was no
longer
afraid of the people around me and i
knew how to connect with them
i felt like made extraordinary progress
at this point
i discovered the four steps that it
takes to form a connection with someone
you don’t know
sure i haven’t reinvented socializing or
anything
but i met all the goals that i set out
at the beginning of my journey
i reached this point by early 2020
early january and had hoped to continue
my journey
up until now the pandemic changed my
plan entirely
by early march i knew i was no longer
going to be able to talk to strangers
in the way i had learned to with the
inevitable fear of others
and the use of face masks that came with
a pandemic approaching others became
difficult
face masks made looking welcoming and
approachable and possible
and everyone was more afraid of the
people around them than they had ever
been
i knew i was going to have to wait a lot
until i could talk to strangers again
and i did wait near the end of 2020
and early 2021 when things began opening
back up again
i took the opportunities that i had to
reach out to strangers that i would see
on the rare occasions that i would leave
my house
i wanted to see how much has changed
since the last time i had talked to
strangers
and hard to be misconnected with them
i found that i along with the people i
met were a lot more tangible
the six foot barrier that everyone was
trying to maintain
didn’t help either i had to be more
forward than i had ever been before
i could no longer rely on just making
eye contact
or smiling to catch somebody’s attention
there were however some benefits that
came with talking to people
post pandemic and during the recovery
there were less people around so i was
able to more clearly focus on the person
i was talking to
and we had face masks which provided the
comfort that the person i was going to
talk to
wouldn’t really see my face talking to
strangers
is difficult but if you can work towards
making a connection with one person
you’ll find yourself appreciating them
and the people around you
a lot more as you probably noticed
throughout all of these stories
i always started with the question and
shocking
but once you start with that
it’s much easier to build on what you’re
talking about
find more personal connections and
expand and get a great understanding of
who the person you are talking to is
now you may still be wondering why
reaching out on your comfort zone and
going to people is worth it originally i
was going to tell you that
talking to strangers can add to your day
in the way you wouldn’t expect
just like the guy at the vending machine
that’s true
but the pandemic has given us even more
of a reason to reach out to others
than ever before we’ve all been standing
in our homes
avoiding other people and keeping our
cameras off during weeks
we are more disconnected from the people
in our lives than we have ever been
regardless of if they’re a stranger or a
close friend
we can’t let that disconnection continue
as we return to life as it was before
the pandemic
trust me i know it’s hard but
i encourage you to remember the steps
i’ve shared with you today
and the stories that i’ve shared with
you today and just how simple connecting
with someone can be
i’m not saying that anytime you get the
chance you should
spark up a conversation with someone you
see but
the next time you’re put in a spot and
it’s easy to talk to someone
if you take advantage of it say hi to
someone you sit next to
on a train or maybe say hello to me
if you ever see me buy vending machine
thank you