The Danger Of Being A Role Model
[Music]
now even though i’m doing this tedx talk
this is probably one of the hardest
things i’ve ever had to do
this and i remember filming my first
youtube video
because speaking to the camera was just
so weird and i think i was so conscious
of the fact that people could see your
flaws
and people could see all the
imperfections and that’s the thing that
scared me
about filming now even though i would
have loved to do this tedx live
i’m actually a bit annoyed that i’m
doing this virtually and this is
probably about my 10th take
and every single time i’m like cut every
single time i made a mistake
even if i blinked anything that went
wrong i’m trying to make sure it cuts
but for this one i’m trying to make sure
it doesn’t cut because even if i do mess
up i want people to see the role
and honestly speaking i want people to
connect with me because i’m a real
person
i’m not a role model and this is what
this talk is all about i don’t want to
be a role model
i don’t want people to connect with who
they think i am listen i’ve got websites
i’ve got biographies i have press
releases
and i have many people that read it and
they think wow i would love to connect
with her
do you want to connect to my biography
or do you want to connect with me and
there’s many people that i’ve read their
biographies and read the things that
they’ve done
and i think i’m drawn to what they do
rather than who they are
and i think honestly one of the most
dangerous things in society is to be
drawn to people because of what they do
because we’re human beings we’re not
human doings you need to find identity
in who you are and not what you do
now let me tell you a story a story of
how i went from the stage to the studio
now me being a public speaker you would
think i love speaking
and i do don’t get me wrong but honestly
speaking became one of my
weirdest things that i pursued because
for a long time
i was trying to speak but also for a
long time i wanted to go into music
now everyone tried to limit me and tell
me you can’t do music and speaking
because i had to be this perfect role
model i had to be this great speaker
i had to be the speaker that was
traveling around the world and speaking
of all these different clients
and i had to fit a certain clientele
which means i couldn’t speak a certain
way
i couldn’t speak a certain manner but
let me just tell you brother i’m from
ends
and i’m going to tell you that it’s so
hard for the fact that i have to speak
to certain clients and i can’t speak
slang
i grew up in ends i grew up in a council
home i grew up in a single parent
household
so i’m used to speaking around certain
people in a certain manner
and then i was always conformed and told
you shouldn’t do this
you shouldn’t speak like this you
shouldn’t talk like this you shouldn’t
and i was always told of things that i
can’t do
because why i had to be a role model and
i started to realize there’s no one out
there that’s going to be able to know
the real me or connect with raw me
if i’m always trying to fulfill a
certain role or to fulfill a certain
title and if i’m being honest i wish
that someone
who if i’m being honest i wish when i
was younger
someone just told me to be a great
person rather than a great speaker
because me first being a great person
would help me be a great speaker
it helped me being authentic so as i
said going from the station studio
it’s not just a journey of how i went
from speaking into the rap scene
it’s actually a journey of how i went
from being hayley melinda
to being hills now haley menander is my
name
but honestly if i’m speaking whenever
someone says haley melinda i hate it so
much because i felt like it was the
role model you are the standard you are
your name is
who you are and it’s like my name became
a brand rather than me
and everything i was doing that was
associated to my name i became so
conscious of
so i wouldn’t do certain things i want
to post certain things on social media
because i cared what people thought
about my brand not about me
and it limited me because i felt my
brand was me being a role model
so when i released my song this is me
now
coming out as a complete different
artist a completely different name
and i thought do you know what i’m
actually happy i can just be myself
and in this music video and in my song
i’m speaking slang
i’m being open i’m being the real me and
i feel i’ve been
around the world and i’ve spoken to so
many different clients and i’ve done
been doing public speaking for so long
that there’s even certain times when
i’ve been in spheres
where i can just be myself and i’m
speaking in a certain manner or to
conduct myself in a certain manner
because i had to fill a role and this is
why i say
i don’t like role models because you are
trying to fill a role
we are all trying to fill a role and i
think that’s probably one of the most
dangerous places you can be
i think the one thing i’m trying to push
is let’s make being real
ideal let’s make being real the ideal
standard of life
honestly speaking there is no one that
is perfect you can listen to someone
time and time again and you can honestly
say they are a great speaker they are a
great rapper they are a great actor
but most times ten nine times out of ten
they probably rehearsed it
they probably rehearse what they’ve said
i’ll probably rehearse what they’ve
released
because they want to make it seem
perfect and honestly
you can’t rehearse life we are all
trying to learn we are all trying to
figure out what we’re doing
if i’m being honest i don’t really know
what i’m doing a lot of times with my
life
and it’s not that i’m not focused so
it’s not because of the fact that i
don’t have vision
but because of the fact that i’m
constantly understanding learning that
as human beings we evolve
we evolve and being a role model you’re
limited to that role
maybe for the rest of your life if i
told you that i’m a speaker
you’re going to think probably for the
rest of my life that i’m going to be a
speaker
but if i tell you i’m haley and i do
speak in
then you know that there’s more to me
and i think the mistake that i made is
i started saying i am with the things
that i’m doing
rather than just actually saying this is
what i do
and i’m telling you right now you can’t
find identity in what you do
you need to find identity in who you are
so i never introduced myself my name is
haiti melinda
i do public speaking i do write and i
also rap and i think
i do all these things and i’m so happy
that 2020 was the year
that i broke out of the box that i told
myself that you don’t have to find
identity in your titles
you don’t have to find identity in the
things you’ve accomplished you just need
to find identity in the things you do
now the pandemic actually challenged me
to look within myself and ask me
are you doing the things you love are
you doing things that make you you
i remember last year when it was in
february and i got really burnt out and
i had to take myself away and i took
myself to the hotel
and this is when the world was open and
i took myself away and i slept and i
sat down and i got in touch with myself
and i had a phone call
my older brother that changed my life
and i remember literally picking up the
phone and saying hello i’m so tired i’m
so burnt out
he said why do you think you’re burnt
out and i said oh there’s so many things
i’m doing and i’m telling him
all the inspirational things i’m doing
how i’m traveling around the world i’m
speaking
i’m launching fellowship so i’m
launching different things
i’ve spoken with this client i’m filming
this podcast and i was telling him all
the inspirational things i’m doing
and he said to me haley when was the
last thing you’ve done something
that nurtured your inner child when did
you do something
that actually you pursued when you was a
kid he said haley you used to love art
you used to love singing you still love
drawing and you don’t do
any of those things anymore because
you’re busy and i realized that
to be a great role model i needed to be
busy
i hate the term booked and busy booking
busy is probably the thing that made me
burn
out it made me so burnt out because i
was trying to feel this great role model
but i wasn’t being real with myself
i wasn’t being real with who i truly am
and the things that i love
so last year after that conversation it
challenged me haley what do you love
what are the things you actually like to
do what are the things that nourish your
soul
not the things that society tells you
you should do but the things that
actually make you happy
and what makes me happy is music so i
saved up some money
and i allowed myself to nurture my inner
child from when i was younger i was
singing from when i was younger i was
rapping
and soon i’m going to give you a snippet
of this music video but i just had to
come here
and share my story on why music probably
changed my life
and why i’m nurturing the inner child
was probably one of the best things i’ve
ever done
because i had literally let go of being
a role model and just focus on just
being real
let’s make the ideal thing being real
and i honestly feel probably one of the
things that i wish
i knew growing up was that life is all
about you being yourself
so when i’m in the studio when i’m
making music and when i’m being real
with myself
that’s probably the best place i’m i’m
in i honestly sometimes hate doing
speaking engagements
i sometimes hate doing a writing books
and writing blogs and it’s not because
of the fact that i can’t do it
or i’m not good at it but because i’m
always thinking oh i have to edit it
like this
and edit things like that but that’s not
what life’s about life is not about
editing life’s about capturing memories
the memories are going to change your
life the memories are going to change
you
and i’m so happy that i captured a
memory that no one can ever take away
from me
and that is nurturing my inner child
when i had that conversation with my
older brother him saying
haley you stopped doing the things you
loved to do that’s when everything
changed for me
that’s when it made me realize that i’m
literally trying to be
doing everything that i can fulfill this
role but me not being real with myself
so i’m gonna show you a snippet of the
music video that i just done
and just released so you can see the
things that i’ve been up to
[Music]
for the team bus stroke i smile around
here we bus straight laughter yes i’m a
girl who can do both wear track suits
and heels for their business partners
last year is melinda gates next year
i’ll try and shout the obamas
sipping shout out to them starters not
working hard working smarter
that clean energy
[Music]
now there’s one thing that i hope you
got from this is that i had fun
i think you can just tell the music
video that i had fun and honestly
i felt like i was fulfilled in that
moment and it’s not to say that speaking
doesn’t fulfill me
it’s not to say anything that i have
done before hasn’t fulfilled me
but i’m just so happy that that
conversation with my brother reminded me
to not be so caught up in being a role
model but to just be real
myself when everyone’s trying to tell me
what i should do
and everyone’s trying to tell me what my
limitations are i think you being real
will remind you of your possibilities i
feel being real is like you being in an
ocean where you can just swim
and swim to anywhere in the world
because it’s only with your
in touch with yourself that you can
truly pursue the things you love
and become the people who you need to be
now i just want to round it off of this
i honestly feel that something that i
wish i was told growing up was don’t
grow up too fast
i tried to grow up too fast because
there was this pressure for me to be
a particular way a pressure for me to
feel to look like i had it all together
as i said we are human beings and not
human beings we are human beings and not
human lookings
i don’t want to look happy i want to be
happy i don’t want to look wealthy i
want to be wealthy
i don’t want to look healthy i want to
be healthy and i just hope that
with everything going on in the world
where 2020 this pandemic
has literally shifted our shifted
dynamic of this world
i hope it makes us look within ourself
and not really
care what people think i honestly think
probably one of the most dangerous
things
is the opinion of man one of my favorite
books comes and says the opinion of man
is like a snare
because i feel many of us are trapped by
what other people think about us
we are always trying to do what other
people say we should do
why don’t you just be you and i guess i
just want to end it with the fact that
you are the blueprint as i said i went
into making music and i’ve just shown my
music video
but i had so many people that told me
that i can’t do music why because i had
to fulfill the role of being a great
speaker
but me doing music has actually helped
me in my career like never before
because i’m now in a better place i’m
not burned out
or i’m not overwhelmed because i’m
working from the place that makes me
happy
so i honestly feel that us being human
beings
is probably the most important thing you
should be we are all human beings we’re
not human doings
so i hope i encourage you and i can
encourage the world
to make being real ideal